


A Song for Hope

by Driven12



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Super Dangan Ronpa 2, Vocaloid
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bondage, Brainwashing, Broken Len, Character Death, Child Abuse, Despair, F/M, Feminization, Gags, Lots of it, M/M, POV Multiple, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, Sexual Content, Torture, Underage Drinking, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:14:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 22
Words: 103,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22638223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Driven12/pseuds/Driven12
Summary: My name is Len Kagamine. I’m part of class 77-B of the Ultimate Academy, working with the talent of being the Ultimate Male Idol. But being an Ultimate doesn’t really mean my life is all that good. It seems that every day brings with it a new seed of despair, and there seems to be no real way to fight back against it.-A fic covering the beginnings of Hope vs. Despair alongside The Ultimate Male Idol, Len Kagamine.Bonus End: Rin follows Len even after all the tragedy he experiences. What is her role, now that she exists in the beyond? What could she possibly do to help someone so immensely broken?
Comments: 15
Kudos: 54





	1. Introductions and beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> Just gonna pause here and say "very sorry" for what you're about to read. This is gonna be a trip and a half, for one.
> 
> Anyways, as you may have guessed, this story follows the school arc of Class 77-B, as well as some time before when the recruiting process is ongoing. I don't intend to stick super close to the anime for this, because...of several reasons that have various spoilers for both the anime and this work wrapped up in it, but there will be some plot points and allusions that will be present regardless. As for other things this work might include...well, we'll see what happens. Enjoy! ...as best as you can for a darker work like this, anyways.

My name is Len Kagamine. Class 77-B of Hope’s Peak Academy. My talent is “Ultimate Male Idol.”

Originally my talent was supposed to be just “Ultimate Idol”, but the talent ended up being in such high demand, and the heads of Hope’s Peak realized that “Ultimate Male Idol” and “Ultimate Female Idol” actually tended to attract slightly different crowds regardless. As such, the title was technically divided into two separate categories, though both of them are generally deemed “Ultimate Idol”. It’s a confusing distinction, but I manage to make it work.

I realized that my calling was to be an Ultimate Idol pretty early on in life. Like most Ultimates, my talent became pretty clear early on in life, and lots of my fellow classmates and teachers were taken aback by the way I was able to use my voice in ways they couldn’t. I was given the voice personality of “power” and made it my goal to sing all of my songs with lots of strength and passion. In fact, when my mom died after giving birth to my little brother, Yu, one of the last things she told me was to always sing with passion, and to always find joy in the songs I sing.

I definitely struggled a bit to sing after my mom died, even though I was honestly sort of prepared for it. She got sick a lot, and it was hard for her to go to work sometimes because she just lacked the energy to get up and move around. Then, finally one day she collapsed while at work during her pregnancy with Yu. She was taken to the hospital, and I was told she had the choice of abandoning my little brother or facing the possibility of dying from complications in childbirth. She chose the latter. Dad and I waited and hoped for the best, but every doctor coming by to work on her just gave my dad a worse diagnosis. Dad wouldn't even let me see her because things were getting so bad with her. In the back of my head, I knew what was going to happen by the time the doctors pronounced her to be on death's doorstep, but it still hit hard. Dad and I were each allowed a visit, where mom made me promise to continue singing. She always did love my singing, after all.

Dad tried his hardest to make a good life for my brother and I, but after a certain point, he just…ended up breaking down. It wasn’t all at once, of course. As I started to take more responsibility in the house, he stayed out later and ended up coming home in really weird and unnatural states. Sometimes he’d cry about the directions our lives took and how he hated he couldn’t give us the life he wanted us to give, and sometimes he’d just sit on his bed and stare at the walls, as though if he stared long enough, they’d open up into a different home in a different city where we could live free from the burden of poverty and helplessness. He began spending more and more time at home, and money got tighter and tighter, so I began to take up odd jobs. Yu ended up becoming my responsibility, and I became determined to protect him just as much as mom did during her last few days. Having a ten year old care for a two year old was probably not a safe responsibility, all things considered, but I learned to make it work. When I had free time, I cleaned at some convenience stores, did some manual labor for some construction companies, and even managed to land a few performance spots at the odd theatre or open mic bar in an effort to continue my dream and passion for singing, potentially as some sort of Ultimate.

That was when I ended up getting a “manager”.

See, it’s not enough for Hope’s Peak to simply have a talent. You have to get noticed. You have to have someone vying for you. And in the world of idols, where every young girl and boy even remotely adept at singing has high hopes, you have to stand out. That’s what my manager, a cunning and charming man by the name of Yato Harukawa, promised me. Along with financial compensation to keep my family afloat, he would help me stand out, rise above the rest to become an idol that nobody could ever imagine. That sounded like a pretty good promise to me, and so I accepted. Honestly, at the time it was sort of a desperate situation, so I was willing to accept anything to be kept afloat, even if it wasn't following a result that would have filled my dream. My manager outlined a whole contract for me, which I had no idea how to read or interpret, and spelled out only a few rules for me; I was to work for two years, giving him complete rights to my name, and had to give him credit upon my rise to fame. The only strange thing was, he refused to be called by his name. I could only refer to him as "Manager" and "Sir". He emphasized that our relationship was not to be something personal or friendly. We were each others' means to our respective end, that was all. I was fine with it all, as long as I could make it into the industry. And then, a few weeks later, I realized the first rule of being an idol: if you want to rise to the top, you do things you would rather not do.

The songs I was made to sing were all perverted. That’s not to say that some were, or a majority were. Every single song in my first album was filled with sexual themes, lightheartedly mocking the idea of me being assaulted by a group of girls, or me fantasizing about them. And each of these songs was advertised via a photo shoot where I would pose, sometime alone and sometimes with others I was singing with, in increasingly revealing or sexual clothing. I tried to reason things out with my manager, but every complaint was met with emphasis that had to do what he and the audience wanted in order to make it into the industry. That my fate was to trade my fame for my liberty. At the very least, the songs and shoots never seemed to go too terribly far; many were suggestive or even downright obscene, but I never felt personally violated doing them for any reason. Time to time, the songs were almost more enjoyable than they were painful. But everything came to a head with the song “Plus Boy”. I objected to the idea of the song and photo shoot, and my manager didn't like that. 

"How many times do I have to remind you, big shot?" He growled as he slammed my face into the ground. I coughed as the air left my body, suddenly forced out by the sudden weight pressing on top of me. "You don't have a choice in any of this, huh? All you're doing is profiting from this publicity, and all you do is whine about it." 

I tried to twist myself, rearing back to push him off me, as futile as a prospect as that was. That was a mistake, as his hand struck my face sideline when I moved around. I grunted, burying my face back into the ground.

"I think this is just the opportunity we need, actually. Sorry champ, but you need a lesson in humility."

A hand slammed into my face again, and I gasped as I felt something shift and shatter in my nose. Another blow, and my left cheek was aching. I flipped and got up on my hands and knees, trying to crawl away, but he latched on to my ankles and dragged me back.

"NO-mmmmm!" I tried to shout, be he clapped a hand over my mouth as his other struck over my eye. I felt something pop, and the eye immediately began swelling. He rested his weight onto me, continuing to beat me as he kept his hand planted firmly over my mouth. I was completely helpless.

Thankfully for my manager, the song was about me fantasizing about schoolgirls and getting beaten up for it, so he was able to stuff a tissue in my nose to stop the bleeding and patched my head up with bandages. The bruises and swollen eye were natural positives for the shoot, and I was "allowed" to completely skip hair and makeup since my manager had been so kind as to prep me himself. More likely, the hair and makeup artists for the directors of the shoot would have had a field day when they saw me walk in. All that was left was a school uniform, half unbuttoned and displaying my chest in full force, and the image became complete. In fact, the record company decided the look was pure genius and didn’t hesitate to print them out to advertise the upcoming song.

The cameraman didn’t even pause a moment to ask if I was okay when I started crying in the photo shoot.

Shortly before the song was to be released, I was invited to the record studios to fulfill the final part of the contract my manager had drawn up for them. I had no idea what the contract was, and my manager just told me to dress nice and play the part they asked me to. For some reason, I decided that was good enough for me. I went in dressed to the best possible extent I could be with the money my family had currently to spend; a white collar shirt, fairly faded black vest, and regular jeans were about my peak dress up at this point. Looking back, I had allowed myself to be set up horribly without even realizing it. I had no idea how long the meeting would take, letting nobody know I was going or when I was expected to come back. The only one with even a remote idea something was going on was Yu, and that was just because I had asked one of my friends at school, an aggressive and crass young boy named Fukase, to look after him for the day. When I got there, I was informed that my manager had completely sold me for the night to fulfill whatever the heads of the company wanted me to do, and the only options I had were to follow the men and women present at the meeting into the boardroom or be released from my contract with my manager immediately. It didn't take long to weigh the options; I had seen similar interactions take place in the slums where I grew up, men and women trading goods and money for pleasure. That meant it wasn't important or painful, right?

***

_I feel weightless. I feel almost dead. I can feel so many hands on me, grabbing at me and reaching to touch any part of that they can. I don’t protest; I’ve already been told that if I do, I’ll be sent home, the songs won’t be produced, and I’ll have to return to working multiple jobs just to support my family as much as I’ve been able to. My dream, or my virginity? The answer’s a simple one for someone who's giving it all to achieve that dream. Who's willing to give whatever it takes. At least, that's what I try telling myself. In reality, I..._

_But, that doesn’t stop the pain when I can feel them spreading me open to relieve their own twisted longing. At the very least, they have enough manners to loosen me up before they use me like a sex doll. A fourteen year old virgin, and a "shota" at that. Ignoring how disgusting and twisted the reality of what they were doing was, they’d probably rip me in half if they didn’t prep me first._

_I feel my mouth wrenched open as I float in a forced state of carelessness; after all, if I care, I might actually go insane. Something long and banana-like is pushed into my mouth, but it doesn’t taste like a banana. In spite of myself, I have to stifle a sob. In spite of agreeing to this, I’m already about to cry. I can feel myself choke as the "banana", please just be a banana for now, slides in and out of my mouth. I hiccup, and it jumps around. I feel something nestle against my chin, then, and the attempt to keep reality at bay falters. I'm being used, and as much as I want it to stop, I don't have that freedom. Not right now. The only thing I can do is try to push reality away, again and again._

_It’s just a banana._

_Someone mischievous decides they want to try to make me enjoy myself as well, and I can feel kisses trail down from my neck to my belly, aggressively trying to make me enjoy what’s happening. A part of me does end up responding; I’m a fourteen year old boy, after all. I hear titters of laughter and words of congratulation, as well as praise to me for responding well. They're all so...disgusting. I wish I hadn't agreed to this. I want to speak up and beg for them to stop, but my throat is being used, and the way they're holding me now is like they're holding me down, keeping me from fighting back...do I even have a choice, anymore?_

_Suddenly, I feel a wrenching pain in my ass. Someone decided they were brave enough to enter after all. I groan around the banana in my mouth, and distantly I can hear a voice moan in tandem, as though the vibrations from my throat traveled up through his body to manifest through his own throat. I feel a hand wrap around my own penis, but I don’t look to see what’s happening. I can guess well enough, and I don’t want to remember any faces. If I do, they might haunt me once I leave. The rhythm continue for a while, and I began to ache all over my body from being held up, from being held down, from being entered, from being stroked like this. It’s unbearable. I just want them to stop touching. I just want them to end it all._

_And then everything bursts at once. Two bananas explode inside me on either end, and the taste of the one in my mouth is bitter to my tongue. I cough it out, and thankfully nobody seems to be upset at me doing that. In the interactions I heard on the street, sometimes people got really upset if the workers didn't swallow. I feel a great relief as I feel my ass finally be rid of its foreign invader, and nobody seems pressed to replace it. I hear harsh whispers, and suddenly the hand around my own dick speeds up, and suddenly I’m the one groaning in pleasure as white liquid spurts from the piece of me wrapped in another person's hands. Quickly, I’m wrapped up in sheets for some reason, and I feel a weird, wet chill at my bottom. I become dimly aware of the fact that the people around me are in a panic, but I can't tell why. I look down to see what’s going on, and balk at the sight of my own blood trickling out of my hole. What did they tear? What part of me did they hurt, and how badly? I feel a burning now, but I can't tell exactly what. How rough were they to do something like-_

_I pass out._

_***_

I was kicked out of the recording studio relatively quickly. Apparently, the blood was because they hadn't prepped me quite enough. They were too eager. And so, they did their best to patch me up, make sure I was safe to return home, all while reminding me I wasn't to say a word about it. After all, the age of consent was well above fourteen in the area of Japan that I lived in, not to mention the questionable status of the contract that had been drawn up with them. Big legal trouble awaited them if I said anything, so they utilized the only leverage they had; my position as an idol. In order to keep that, I was willing to stay silent about anything. And besides, who wanted to speak up and tell the whole world that they had allowed themselves to be used like a toy?

Plus Boy was released a few days after my meeting with the record company. As I expected, it was met with a lot of intensity, but it was surprisingly popular. Critics praised the energetic beat and the high energy I brought as a performer, while very few even seemed to notice the sexual lyrics or my outfit in the advertisements. I was made fun of both those things a lot at school, but most of the people whose opinions I actually cared about knew already that it wasn’t something I really had wanted to do. I got some weird looks from my closer friends who were smart enough to line up the timetable of my preparation and understood my sudden bruises, the advertisements, my weird soreness that lasted a few days before the release, and then the song itself. I began to fret if they looked too deeply into it; if Hope's Peak didn't contact me soon, it was plausible I would have to move schools anyways just to keep some of my friends from realizing the truth. For now, though, I lived in a relative state of harmony. After the initial teasing was over, class settled into its normal rhythm with the only allusions to my songs being discussing top charted songs and upcoming hits.

In fact, things only got weird when school let out for the spring. That was when I was cornered by a weird man in a white suit with pale blue eyes and blonde hair that seemed on the long side for a male.

“Greetings. You’re Len Kagamine, yes?”

I nodded, not quite sure where this conversation was supposed to be going. Something about him seemed trustworthy, and yet a part of me also wanted to be as far away from him as possible, as though he possessed a hidden sort of danger or complexity. It disturbed me, a little bit. But that feeling left immediately when he reached his hand out to me, smiling broadly with an envelope with a familiar symbol across the top.

“My name is Koichi Kizakura. I’m a scout for Hope’s Peak Academy. Tell me…would you mind if I talked with you for a little bit? I want to know if you’ll be interested in me tracking your progress as a potential member of the Ultimate Academy.”


	2. The Ray of Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being provisionally scouted by a representative from Hope's Peak Academy, Len is signed up to meet two aspiring idols to work alongside. The first is a bright, free-spirited girl...who looks an awful lot like him?

My manager was absolutely ecstatic at the news that I was being observed by the scouts of Hope’s Peak Academy. He was even more thrilled when he learned that Mr. Kizakura himself was the one who would be following my progress and reporting back to the heads of Hope’s Peak. Apparently, Mr. Kizakura was a peerless scouter, able to see talent in even the most obscure and unseen corners of the world. And the talent he did find always managed to be the most peerless of their craft, unparalleled by any in their raw talent. For me, that meant someone finally valued me for what I loved doing, and finally saw me as someone with pure potential. I...had never really had someone like that before. For my manager, it meant he could wring Hope's Peak Academy dry to sign me over once our contract ran out.

“I thought it would be another year, at least!” He exclaimed, almost seeming ready to pull his hair out of his own head. “I mean, you’re only fourteen! They usually don’t scout for talent at quite that young of an age.” He turned back to me, his eyes wide open in an almost manic light. “This is a perfect opportunity for us,” he whispered, breath shuddering maniacally in his throat. “I have the perfect songs to make you stand out even more, collaborations, photo shoots, ad campaigns, and oh so many ideas! Oh, my boy, my sweet little Len, you are going to be a star yet!”

My heart sank a little at his words. I wanted to believe he was saying all this to mean it was a perfect time to stand out in an interesting and personal way, but after the incident with the record company a few days ago, I ironically wasn’t feeling incredibly hopeful.

“Um…if it’s all right, I was wondering.” For some reason my voice could barely achieve a whisper at this state. I was never really one to try and force my own opinions or input, after all, but I didn’t feel like I could follow the repulsive path this man was leading me down for much longer if it could be helped. “I was thinking…maybe we could do something fun and original for our next song? Like, I don’t know, something that would be more personal and intrinsic instead.”

The derisive smirk that crossed my manager’s face stopped any remaining thoughts I may have had left. He swooped down to my level easily, tousling my hair in what seemed like an attempt to be fatherly, but left me feeling like I needed to wash my hair the minute I went back home. “Dear Len.” He tutted, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean. Is there anything wrong with the songs we’ve been doing? Is it not something you really want to follow yourself? You are the artist, after all.”

If I was a smarter person, or had spent more of my life around darker people, I probably would have understood the tone in his voice, the leering in his eyes. I would have noticed his clenched fists and the fact that he was hovering over me like a lion waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting deer below. And most of all, I would have remembered what dissent or opposition in any form would have resulted in. I was still healing and recovering from our last bout, for goodness' sake.

“Um…well, actually, I was thinking about that. You know that I'm not a fan of the types of songs we sing, after all." I saw his face twist, and my heart leapt into my throat. "I just...we don't have to scrape and claw at things that will catch people's attention anymore, right? We can do things that are more creative, or personal, or more along the lines of what we want to do. What _I_ want to do. We...can..." My voice trailed away as I saw the enraged look on his face and I looked away, my face burning.

That was a mistake.

“Idiot!” I didn’t see him wind up for the kick. I didn’t even really feel it coming. I just felt a sharp pain in my ribs as I was knocked backwards off my chair, tumbling onto the floor. I didn’t even have time to groan or check where I was bruised on my chest before I was picked up by my shirt and found myself inches from my manager’s sneering face.

He was in one of his moods again.

“I don’t feel like I should have to explain to you that now more than ever it is vital to do whatever it takes to catch the attention of Hope’s Peak! You have to sing things nobody would dare sing, wear what nobody would dare wear! Do what nobody would dare do.” He released my shirt and swung his arms wide in a presentative gesture. “If you sing just about what makes you feel good, or what you like at the moment, the scouts will see you as some thoughtless teen who likes making lighthearted lullabies with no substance. You have to go deep! Think about things nobody else would venture into! That’s what makes you Ultimate.”

By the time he was finished, I had already zoned out of the conversation. His monologue wasn’t unique or unforeseen, it was the motto he lived by when it came to creating and framing “our” music. With him, everything had to be scandalous, or perverted, or weird in some other way, and it was up to the artist to align with his view. And even when the artist did, he acted like every little thing they did was a bother. I could never win with him.

“Hey, Len. That reminds me, I invited the people you’re going to collab with to meet you today. Though…one of them absolutely refuses to see the other, so I’m going to introduce you separately, okay?”

I was still shaken from the brutal attack, so it took me a moment to recognize my manager addressing me again, and had to reprocess what he told me to understand the situation. “Who…did you invite?”

He clapped his hands, suddenly incredibly pleased and genial. For a guy in such a responsible position, he was really unreliable in his emotions. “I got you two of the greatest rising artists in current pop media! Their names are Rin and Gackpo, and they have some very interesting and diverse portfolios for you to work with. However, Rin had a bit of a falling out with Gackpo a while back, so we’ll introduce you to her first and then get Gackpo out of the way.”

“Interesting and diverse” was something of a silly way to describe the albums the two had. I had heard of them, of course, as they rose through the music ranks, but the two were like night and day in terms of performance. Rin was a veritable ray of sunshine on stage, singing even the darkest toned songs with a clear innocence and freedom that it made me smile just watching her move around on stage, not even hearing the music. The way she moved on stage with clear design and purpose, working to bring some sort of unreadable message or feeling into her songs that always came across so sharply for me... it was always like a dream to hear her perform. And there was something about her that seemed really close to me, but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was.

But then there was Gackpo, who by all accounts only sang songs about girls he liked and how much he wanted to be with them. It was all crass, arrogant, entitled, and overall disgusting. Just listening to his songs made me feel like I was being harassed, and he never even sang about guys. He just held that oppressive and overpowering sort of arrogance in his music. It was clear to me that sexuality was all he (or his manager, now that I thought about it) really cared about. Though, if his situation was like mine, maybe we had more in common than I thought. The thought made me distinctly uncomfortable. If Rin was coming to meet me, did she see me as being the exact same as Gackpo? And if she and Gackpo had some sort of falling out, then would she look at me like I was the same? Would she and I have the same sort of falling out? The thought suddenly terrified me.

I jumped as a knock on the door echoed through the room. Neither my manager nor I had the chance to open, however, before two vibrant-looking characters- a tall, lean man and a short, bubbly girl- walked through the door. The man had short, sweeping blue hair that shot down over one eye and a smart white-and-blue suit that complemented his hair. And the girl…I didn’t realize how I didn’t notice it after watching her so many times, but now that we stood looking at each other face to face, it was unbearably-

“…Uncanny.” The girl who could have been my exact double recoiled a bit at the awkward situation. In all aspects, we looked entirely similar. The same blonde hair, the same blue eyes, the same tone of skin and posture. We were even matching in outfits, even though I hadn’t even known she was coming before her arrival. We both wore white shirts with a yellow outline, followed by dark shorts that highlighted the brightness of the shirts. We even both had headphones set down around our necks, resting on our shoulders. I felt like we were simply staring at each other, trying to understand this awkward coincidence. Had our managers realized how similar the two of us looked?

Before I realized it, my hand was shooting out to shake hers. “U-um! Hi, I’m Len. Y-you’re Rin, right? I’m a really big fan of yours, by the way, I really liked ‘Butterfly on Your Right Shoulder’ and ‘Meltdown’.” My voice was weird and pitchy for some reason. I was belatedly reminded of a song where I outlined me having distinct trouble talking to girls as I rampantly asked the girls in the song for dates. If Rin had heard that song, this introduction probably wasn't helping anything.

I didn’t realize I was blushing until I say Rin’s own face turn red. “Wow, I didn’t realize you were fan of mine! I, um, really like your vocals as well, and your stage performances. Watching ‘Plus Boy’ made me really rethink y-“ She stammered for a moment, and I could feel myself blush harder at her mentioning my most recent song. “Well, it’s not that I had to rethink you, it just showed me that you can make a lot of fun out of… interesting premises.”

I could feel my manager staring daggers at the back of Rin’s head. Her manager (I assumed it was her manager) simply rolled his eyes in response and grabbed his arm. “Come on, come on, Haru.” he said lightheartedly. “You and I have some business to discuss, yeah? Let’s let these two talk about arts and vocals and all while we nail down the nitty gritty paperwork.” I could feel my manger continue to stare Rin down, but the blue-haired man managed to drag him away as he wished us luck in getting to know each other. And in moments, it was just Rin and I in the room.

Alone.

All of a sudden, the song lyrics about staring at girls and feeling awkward were pounding into my head. Maybe I was catching whatever had made my manger so weird.

“So, Len.” Rin had suddenly gained a lot more confidence now that my manager had left, and was now poised in the chair I had been sitting in with her legs crossed in a confident and business-like manner. “Tell me about yourself. About your time here. How are things going with you?”

“What? Ah, um…” I was suddenly at a loss for words. What all was she asking about? Did she want to know just out of simple polite curiosity? Or was that odd, almost knowing hint in her words probing me to answer a darker, more earnest response?

“Being in the idol business doesn’t leave many untainted, you know.” She said almost conversationally, as if “tainted” just meant slipping and falling on stage or having lettuce stuck in your teeth. “I know you probably didn’t do a lot of that ad stuff for Plus Boy willingly, right? Most idols don’t do stuff like that just for fun. Their managers have them do it for views, often threatening or doing…something. What’s your story, then?”

And so I suddenly decided to tell her. This girl, who I had only met minutes ago, heard all about my story so far. How I was born in a bad part of Japan that was barely able to survive for itself, much less care for its inhabitants. How my mom was sick for most of the time I knew her, but still worked every day because she made so much money doing…whatever it was she did. How she finally succumbed to her sickness when my brother was born, and made me promise to keep singing, even after she passed on. How my father tried to work, but couldn’t handle the loss and depression and had slowly become little more than a living vegetable. How my little brother had to be taken to the hospital for malnutrition because I didn’t realize he wasn’t being taken care of at all while I was out at school. How I dropped my social group to work while I wasn’t at school at whatever places would accept a twelve, thirteen, fourteen year old boy because otherwise we had no money. How I never told anyone at school because I was terrified I would be separated from my family. How I cried the night my manager told me he would sign me up and try to get me to Hope’s Peak because that finally meant my family was safe for a period of time. How I was told to sing all sorts of disgusting, cliched songs that made me feel dirty and humiliated, forced to dress in fetishy clothing to “appeal to a demographic”. How I was willing to put up with every degrading thing he had given me up until Plus Boy because I didn’t want to go back, and what was in front of me was too promising to let go. How, even when I realized what he had done when he gave me over to the perverts at the recording studio, I was willing…for my own dream. How going through that assaulting night made me feel so disgusting and soiled that I hardly wanted to look at an older man or woman now.

And how, now that my dream was in my grasp, I was wondering if it was really worth it if I have to keep going through this stuff.

Rin tilted her head, looking confused. “Sounds to me like you’re lying to yourself.”

That wasn’t the reaction I had anticipated. “…What?”

Rin spread her arms. “Well, you said when you were… _with_...your last record company, you were willing to do whatever it took to get to the top, yeah? But now you’re saying you don’t want that anymore, and it’s only been a few days. It sounds a lot like you’re stuck between trying to convince yourself your dream is worth whatever it takes and trying to make your path to being an Ultimate your own. And you also seem like the kind of guy who’s used to swallowing his own feelings a lot because he doesn't want other people to feel burdened by helping him.”

I shook my head at the uncanny feeling filling the pit of my stomach. This girl…I had only met her minutes ago, and she was already acting like a therapist or guidance counselor as though she could see inside my head.

“I’m not going to give you any advice on that front. Honestly, to me there isn’t a right answer. I personally decided that becoming an ultimate idol wasn’t worth giving whatever it takes, and I’ve kind of accepted that I’m gonna be stuck in this middle crowd I’m in right now.” That startled me, and I immediately rose to refute her claim, but she waved me away. “You don’t have to be polite. I’m good at what I do, but in two or three years my career is going to be on the backslide regardless, and most people will forget who I am now. I chose not to do weird or scandalous things to stand out in people’s minds, so this is how I want it to play out either way. Five minutes of fame, yeah? And some pretty good times along the way. But most importantly, I’m doing what I want to do. That’s what I decided was most important. Granted, I don’t have your particular home situation, so I can’t claim I would do the same even if we had the same mindset.”

“More importantly,” she swiveled in her chair to reach into her pack. “I wanted to discuss what you and your manager can expect from us in terms of song production.” I felt my heart drop. By this point my manager had probably sent them some weird song ideas that were going to force me and Rin to do weird- “I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear that my manager calmly insisted that our side of the share will be in charge of the creative department. We ceded complete control over wardrobe, advertisement, and the like to your manager since he excels in that department. As for what we want to create, well…” Rin winked knowingly at me, but the only thing running through my head was where this girl had learned to become so incredibly suave and charming in one on one conversations. “I have a strict ‘create what you want to sing’ policy. Meaning you and I are working in collaboration to make songs we want to sing, yeah?”

That got my spirits up. Words escaping me, I shook my head eagerly and took her hand in both of mine in a gesture of thanks.

“Rin, that’s…that’s absolutely incredible! I can’t wait!” The girl blushed profusely at that for some reason, scooting back in her seat a bit.

“W-well, it’s not really something special for us. It’s what we do, after all. Kaito isn’t exactly the top grossing manager in Japan, but he’s one of those helpful guys who will always defer to the artist being free to sing about what they’re passionate about. We have a good, healthy business relationship at this point.”

Was there really a need to emphasize the business aspect of the relationship? I don’t think I would have been confused about what you meant, I thought to myself but didn’t voice the thought aloud. Rin looked uncomfortable enough about the situation as it was.

“A-anyways! Let’s talk about what songs we want to make. We have time, business delegations take forever and a day.”

And so we spent the next hours bouncing ideas off the wall, seeing what we liked and didn’t like, what made sense and what seemed a little too outlandish for our combined tastes. To our credit, our interests aligned more often than not, resulting in some…special songs. For some of them, we ended up writing entire stories instead of just one song to contain them. Songs about two magicians becoming friends before a warring kingdom tore them apart, of a young prisoner's tragic relationship with a civilian girl. But our most passionate project revolved around the story of a corrupted kingdom, with a haughty princess at its head.

“Oh! And then, and then, in the last verses of this song, we learn that the servant boy was actually dressed up as the princess and played out her execution to save her! And then we could-“ Rin tilted her head. “Hm. We’re going to have to make an entire series at this point rather than just one or two songs. You think our managers would be okay with that?”

“Who cares? This is awesome!” I was still writing down lyrics and script ideas. I could feel my creative juices flowing for once, working with this girl, and it was a sensation I didn’t want to let go of. “But how about this? What if we have the princess present for the end, and have that branch off into the last song that goes into-“

A knock on the door silenced our planning processes, and Rin hastily gathered up her notes. “That’s probably Kaito,” she said, blushing slightly as she shoved everything into her bag. “I’m a bit surprised, looking at the time. Usually this stuff wraps up sooner, you know? Hopefully we didn’t interrupt anything else you had.”

The realization snapped in my head, far too late for it to be any help at that point. “Oh! Actually, we were supposed to meet another idol later on in the day. I hope Gackpo’s not too upset about missing out…”

Rin snorted. “Oh, Gackpo? Yeah, no, you’ll thank me later. The guy’s a pervert of the highest order. Sings songs around the same type you do, but he loves it and basically lives them out to his heart’s content. He was actually what made me decide I wasn’t cut out to give everything to the idol industry.”

I tilted my head, now curious. “Really? What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”

She sighed now, looking at the clock. “Well, I don’t really have the time. But to make a long story short, he was obsessed with me our entire time together and wouldn’t stop asking me go to bed with him. I refused…multiple times. I even straight up told him I’d never consider it with a person of his caliber. He...didn't take it well, and after a close call I ended up having to get an order taken out on him to keep him from doing anything shady in the future. The last thing he told me was that I didn’t have what it took to be a success and naturally the deal between the two of us was off on the spot. By all means, I was fine with the idea.”

Suddenly, Rin’s eyes popped open, and she whirled around to face me again. “By the way, that’s something I want to tell you before you go.” I jumped back again, startled and confused by what she meant.

“You mean, the thing about the caliber, or success, or…?” Was she saying she thought I would be similar since I was like Gackpo in some ways? Or that I wasn't going to be able to be successful because I was like her in more ways?

“No, no, none of that. I want to tell you that it’s okay to ask or tell people ‘no’ in the situations your manager is trying to force you into. At the worst they’ll generally just ignore you, and you’d be surprised how many will realize what they’re doing and leave you alone. You don’t have to feel inclined to stay quiet just because your manager is pressuring you, you know? You’re worth more than that.”

She reached forward, one last time, and squeezed my hand gently. “At least, I think you are, anyways.” And with that, Rin vanished out the door, leaving me alone in the room again.

Yet, for some reason, it didn’t feel particularly lonely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming next chapter: Len’s experiences with Rin and Gackpo, and Hope’s Peak Academy’s final decision.


	3. The Harsh Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len spends time with Gackpo after a disastrous day at the recording studios. However, it's there that things take a turn for the even worse...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...gonna just place a big ol' warning here, there's definitely some unsavory stuff going on in this chapter, and it's supposed to be hella uncomfortable. Read at your own risk, definitely.

From that point on, working with Rin was like a dream. We met regularly after school outside of our respective managers’ offices to discuss our work, practice, and draw out ideas for the settings and direction of the music we were going to make, and then made our way to my manager’s office to set up and, when applicable, record. Working with Rin, the possibilities seemed endless. We played out scenarios as simple as a pair of siblings fighting over a remote control to a sweeping tragedy of a corrupt kingdom and the rulers that failed it. With Rin, it wasn’t just a straightforward expectation every time we went in to record. I could just as easily expect to be in tears from laughter at the end of recording a session as I could expect to be emotionally worn from the sheer tragedy that we enacted.

Our first song, “Remote Controller” was an automatic hit. Reviewers said we reflected off each other almost perfectly in our music, showing off our respective talents and energies without overpowering each other much at all. From there, we released a broad range of musical entries that were met with varying levels of praise, but almost all commented on the fact like we acted like the perfect pair in terms of our talent and coordination. I could tell my manager was getting a little bit bored of the constant repetition and same praises being sung each time, but for me it felt a lot like I was finally being able to sing out for things I wanted to sing about, with someone I wanted to…um...

Well, anyways, it was generally a good time working with Rin. In comparison, working with Gackpo was…certainly different.

“Absolutely perfect, you two! The fans are going to eat this up!” My manager was shouting up through a megaphone at the two of us as we leaned over the wall of a terrace we were doing our shoot on. Both of us wore opened button-down shirts and a pair of slacks, with Gackpo leaning over me as I pressed against both him and the terrace wall. One of his hands rested on the side of my face, while the other was held firmly against my throat. Meanwhile, my hands were pressed firmly against his chest, giving the impression of futilely trying to push him away as his face inched ever closer to my own. A light mist was being rained down from above the camera's angle, soaking the shirts slightly to make them see-through.

You could probably imagine the type of song coming from a photo shoot like that, and that was generally the type of music we were given to create on every basis. Honestly, it was like our managers decided to take the horniness from our individual repertoire and multiply it. We both made fun of the fact while we were on breaks, rolling out eyes at how sexual the industry seemed to be turning, especially with the two of us paving the way.

Admittedly, I personally saw very little of the perverted Gackpo that Rin was constantly reminding me existed. Sure, he catcalled the women in the set every now and then, but he treated me fairly respectfully, all things considered. Since he had already graduated from high school, I wondered if he had just been less mature when he and Rin had been working together, and if he had just learned his lesson a bit after their interaction. I even asked him why he didn't really act that way with me at one point, and he gave me a sideways glance like I was crazy.

“Uh…Len. You…know I’m into girls, right? I mean, you could be a looker and all, I guess, but you’re very much not my type, romantically speaking. That’d just be…weird, right?”

Honestly, growing up I didn’t really think a lot about how gender preferences really worked or what the outcome of it was. Living in a shadier area of the country, I saw every now and then people pay to “get off”, as they would say, and a lot of the time it didn’t really matter to either the customer or the worker what gender the other was. I guess I had just assumed a lot of people were like that, which is why the incident with my last record company didn’t surprise me that much. I just kind of assumed a lot of people worked like that, not really keeping total gender roles in mind. I mean, I realized that the guys at my old school were definitely inclined to like women from the romantic novels and manga they bandied about, but I didn't really think much about them refusing guys just because they liked women more. Not really knowing how to respond to Gackpo’s assertion, I just nodded awkwardly and found somewhere else to spend my time.

For the rest of the year, that’s how my life sort of cycled out. I continued having fun making songs, ballads, even stories with Rin, while I slogged through the more sensual and eye-catching shockers with Gackpo. School ended up being a high or low depending on what my schedule focused on, whether it was guys backing me into a corner wondering how close I was with their dear Rin, or girls dragging me behind walls to gossip about seeing Gackpo up close. My brother Yu turned six. After I brought in some money and helped stabilize our living conditions a bit, dad began to improve slightly. He would sometimes walk around our house more, waking up just a little bit. Not much at all, even enough to give me hope he'd get better. Just...a little bit. I began to receive updates from Hope’s Peak, giving me both positive and negative feedback about my performances with both Rin and Gackpo. Life settled into a steady rhythm. Eventually, the end of the year was coming up, as well as my response from Hope’s Peak. I only had a couple of songs left to record with both Rin and Gackpo at this point, but as always there was something weird going on with Gackpo's side of the arrangements.

“Uh…I think the costume department made an error.” I stepped out of the dressing room at Gackpo’s recording company, blushing profusely at the contents of the bag I had been given for the day’s music video filming. “This should probably go back to one of the songs your singing with another idol, right?”

“What do you mean?” Gackpo walked over and peered into the bag curiously, then looked up at me with bewilderment on his face. “Um…isn’t this…?”

“Len! Gack! Glad I caught you two today!” And…there it was. My manager burst through the door, full of energy and what most people would probably consider charm but what I considered obnoxiously overbearing. “So, Gackpo, your manager and I have been talking, and we decided we wanted to do something a bit risky, but if it works we can save a lot of money on our next song. After all, we have most of the musical recording and Gackpo’s vocals for the song intact, so all we need to do is put Len’s in and shoot the video, and-“

“Wait a second.” Gackpo’e eyes widened as he stared down at the contents of the bag. “Don’t tell me we’re doing Castle Cepage. That was the song we dumped Rin on! You can’t just…with another guy-“

“Trust us, Gackpo, you’re going to love what we’re going to do with Len. Come on, look at him and say that he couldn’t possibly play the role if we dolled him up right.”

The uncomfortable stare Gackpo gave me was not entirely reassuring.

“Anyways, Len, you go ahead and get dressed. I’ll sort things out with Gackpo here while you go down to hair and makeup. You’re definitely gonna be needing more time if we’re going to make you shine the way we want to.”

The dress was an awful, gaudy piece obviously meant to be dazzling and not much else. Sparkles and fake stones littered the entire piece to the point that I could hardly even tell that the dress was yellow underneath. I supposed they wanted to complement my hair, but nothing could salvage how uncomfortable I looked in it. Paired with the dress were a couple of pads, with a note from my manager telling me they could be used to “fill out” the dress if needed. I ignored them.

Hair and makeup was vastly different than my usual run in. Of course, in doing photo shoots and music videos I was used to having makeup on my face on a general basis, but this was an even I had never anticipated before. My hair was rewashed, stylized, and I could even feel them attaching small extensions to make it appear more feminine. They added layers upon layers of makeup to my face, accentuating my eyes to make them appear wider and more girlish, applying lipstick to draw attention, whatever the stylists could name to make me look more like a girl. When they finally finished, I was propped up to face myself in the mirror, and saw a face that was familiar, but not in a way that was comfortable in the slightest.

“Well, if I didn’t look enough like Rin before…”

“Oh, perfect!” The lead stylist squealed. “We actually made a few of our choices to stylize after Mrs. Rin, you know. Her look just fits the role for this song perfectly, you will see. I’m glad you like it!”

I never said I liked it, but I decided not to give voice to the thought as I make my way to the recording studio. The set for today was _supposed_ to be a modern dance auditorium where Gackpo and I were going to perform in a sort of dance off, but that was apparently off the table for today. The sight I met instead was quite a bit harsher. The background was a dark wall made of crumbling bricks, outlined by a series of bars that resembled a jail cell. A false fireplace was stowed off somewhat to the side, alongside a table with a bloody-looking knife resting on it. But the centerpiece of the entire attraction was what looked to be a giant birdcage sitting in the center of the room, its door wide open as it waited for its inhabitant.

“Len…” Gackpo’s voice startled me, and I turned to see him staring at me, completely wide eyed. I waited for him to continue or say something else, but he simply continued staring for the longest time until his eyes suddenly snapped shut and he shook his head. “Ah, sorry. Um, for staring and for all this.” He gestured to the scenery. “’The Tragedy of Castle Cepage’ is kind of a darker song of mine. It’s about a count keeping a young maiden in his abode against her will as he…tried to win her over. It’s supposed to appeal to a weirder crowd than usual, so we dropped it after Rin left. I’m not sure why they want to try again, unless they’re just being lazy and don’t want to drop the stuff we already recorded.”

That was probably the reason why, though I couldn’t help but feel like our respective managers wanted to see just how the public would react to Gackpo and I performing in this sort of scenario. It was just what I expected from them at this point. 

The choreography for the video was also about what I expected from the story Gackpo gave me. It largely revolved around Gackpo threatening me with the bloody knife, shoving me into the cage and toying with me while I was in there. The cage was small and definitely a bit cramped, forcing me to have to shrink myself down, which didn’t really help with the sudden feeling of complete vulnerability I had been forced into. I realized that was completely purposeful, but I still hated it completely. It was like everyone in the studio wanted to see me suffer more. All the while, Gackpo was prancing around the cage like a madman, touching me wherever the director shouted for him to. A caress of the face, a grab around the waist to pull me in, a warning hand around my throat when I protested...Gackpo worked it all seamlessly, a terrifyingly realistic look of a predator in his eyes as we worked.

“Great, Gack, now move over to the other side and tear his sleeve, just a little bit to expose the shoulder. Len, really sell that fear in your eyes when you turn to face him. If you can muster up some tears, that would work absolute wonders.” Summoning tears wasn’t a difficult task, but I was loathe to really put my mind into the drama we were acting out. I was at least thankful I had a passive role in it, but still…

“Wonderful, Len. Those will really draw people in. And now, Gack, settle down against the cage as you and Len stare into each other’s eyes. Sell that smirk, Gack, you’re lovely. And…CUT! We’ll take it! Wonderful job, everyone!”

Thank God.

Three hours learning choreography, resetting takes, and mostly just sitting in a cramped cage while Gackpo pranced around and picked at me. It wasn’t the best day I had that year, no doubt.

“Hey, Len!”

Speaking of the devil, Gackpo came up behind me, touching my shoulder absurdly lightly. I shivered at the touch. “Hey, I just wanted to apologize for all the weirdness today. I know you have to record your lines over the weekend, but I was wondering if I could make it up to you a little bit tonight.

Something about that sounded odd, but I brushed it off. “Sure! It’ll take me a while to get all this hair and makeup stuff taken care of, but once I’m done-“

“Ah, it’s fine.” Gackpo waved his hand in the air casually. “I just wanted to take you to see my parent’s place. Dad was a big corporate manager, so they have this huge mansion with pools and dance floors and all the works. I thought that might be something you’d like to see, maybe.”

Because you’re so poor, was the immediate end of the sentence I thought of, but I decided to give Gackpo the benefit of the doubt. So far, he had been a pretty decent dude, after all. 

“Sure. Why not? I’ll just call my dad and let him know I’ll be a bit late, then.”

**

Gackpo’s mansion certainly was magnificent. Walking up to it made me feel like I was an ant, it was so sizeable. What did rich people even do with this much space?

“It’s a little over the top,” Gackpo said embarrassedly. “My dad’s got a bit of a big head, so he just kinda bought however much land he felt like having. He doesn’t even care if I trash the place with a party or anything.”

The mansion had just about everything too; the two of us hung out at the pools, watched a movie at their full-size home theater, and even had an evening meal courtesy of the family kitchen staff. It was so overboard I wanted to throw up somewhere. Regardless, Gackpo was a marvelous host, entertaining me and picking up topics of conversation at every turn down to our final course of dessert.

“So, Len, if there’s nothing else, I did want to ask you something a little…personal.” He said it almost offhandedly as we finished off the last of the luscious chocolate cake that his butlers had provided us. “Don’t feel pressured to answer if you’re not comfortable or anything.”

“Sure? What is it?” I didn’t look up from my plate to see him, or else I would have noticed his face blushing a bright red.

“Well, you see…I know you’ve had a weird history before coming to our studios. I don’t pretend to be much better myself, but I was wondering, since it’s just the two of us here tonight…would you mind terribly if we let off a little steam together? I promise not to go too far if you’re not comfortable, and I’d even compensate you if you want.”

Silence filled the room as my brain tried to process the absurd question. “I…thought you weren’t into guys, Gack.” 

He waved his hand, almost offhandedly. “I know, I know, and I’m not…usually. But you just…you know…you’re a bit different, you know?”

Different, meaning I look like Rin after being dolled up by the stylists at his record company. Suddenly I feel immensely sick, and it’s not from the copious amounts of food I’ve been given.

“Um…sorry, Gack, but no. I don’t really feel comfortable doing that. The whole sex stuff is just a thing my manager thought up, I don’t want to do it if I can avoid it.”

He grinned easily at the response. “Oh, absolutely no problem! Sorry for asking something so awkward, it’s just…been a while, and I feel pent up every now and then. But I’m keeping you late, aren’t I? I’ll just walk you to the door, if that’s all right.”

Feeling a little bit like an unwanted dog being kicked out of the house, I ducked my head and followed Gackpo’s trail out of the kitchen. The house was so big, I probably needed him to guide me, but it felt horribly awkward leaving off from that point. Presently, we made it to the end of the hall, where Gackpo unlocked a door and opened it up to show me through. 

“We just have to head through this short adjoining room to make it to the lobby. I think you should be able to find your way from there.”

I gratefully nodded as I passed through the door, but quickly stopped as I came face to face with a dead-end room. At the end of the room was a singular plush bed, probably belonging to one of Gack’s relatives. It had beautifully curved iron bars at the back, with small props about a foot above the mattress that opened up in a half circle, perhaps to hold something? Regardless, it was clearly not the right room, the only door leading from it was the one I had just-

_Click_

_No._

I barely turned around before I was tackled onto the bed. My arms were forced above my head into the props above the bedrest, where the assaulter’s hands snapped what I belatedly realized were cuffs attached to the bed over my arms, locking them in place. 

“Gack! What-“

“Shhhhhhhh.” Gackpo roughly shoved his hand over my mouth, staring me down with a devious smile. “Sorry, Len. You just…that look does it for me, man. I didn’t realize just how much you looked like Rin before I saw you today, and I just can’t let you go like that, you know? I regretted letting Rin go every day after she left the studios, and that’s not a mistake I’m making twice. So just play along with me for a little while, yeah? Or don’t, I couldn’t really care either way.”

“Gackpo, please, wait!”

When I overheard my classmates freak out over romantic or erotic books and manga they had found, I wondered if they really understood how people in the real world worked. Of course, the romance and sex they described was completely unrealistic and contrary to how it actually happened, but even the way people acted. Often there would be a time where someone would go just a bit too far for their partner's comfort, and the assaulted one would shout out to catch their attention, often with tears in their eyes. The person who was in a sex craze would look at them, and realize that they had been about to do something that was going too far. And then they would stop, apologize, and walk away, allowing the two to reconcile in some cheesy or cliched way the next day.

Real life wasn't that forgiving.

My words completely fell on deaf ears, and Gackpo even seemed to smile at my struggle. Of course he did, this bed was made for what he was about to do, right? He rummaged around behind the bed for things I don’t want to look at, and I turned my head away, trying my best not to break down already. Maybe I could still force something, be firm and make my intentions completely clear. Rin told me...people respond to that, right? They would let me go and realize what was going on if I did that, right? 

“I’m not doing this with you, Gack. This isn’t funny. If you do this, I’ll-“

“Tell? Nah, I have a few friends that I make alibis with all the time. Right now we’re seeing a movie at the home theater. I’ve even got a hacker who can fabricate video evidence with accurate dates and times and all that stuff. Power of connections, man. But I think that’s enough from you either way.”

My head was jerked sharply towards him, and he shoved a large rubber ball into my mouth. The ball had straps on the side, so it wrapped around my head and lodged at the back so I couldn't shake it off. Who made stuff like this? Before I knew it, he was grabbing me by the hair and holding me in place as he wrapped a thick cloth around my head, over my eyes. And then the world was just darkness and sound. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I could barely even smell, so the only thing I could do is listen to hear what Gackpo was about to do to me. I let out a muffled sob as my true helplessness washed over me.

“Now then…how about we let the fun begin in earnest?”

***

_It’s complete torture._

  
_Gackpo has apparently procured what I decided to call “torture devices”, that seem to latch on to wherever Gack decides to place them and vibrate uncontrollably. It comes in waves, so I’m forced to ride through each wave, almost reaching to the point that I want to release myself, before it ebbs away and I’m left wanting again. Gackpo informed me early on that he put something in both our meals that makes our sexual drive stronger, and it apparently has made him and endless machine of sexual energy. I feel him ramming into me in an unforgivable rhythm, and each thrust makes me feel more and more like I’m going to explode in any given direction. His hands wander around my body, caressing my face, tracing my jawline, the bruises he’s already left on my neck. His fingers brush my ribcage unbearably, lightly dancing as they trace down to my bellybutton, and lower still to trail around that pleasure center that I want to forget even exists._

_And then the vibrating machine on my dick starts up again, and I’m moaning behind the gag again. Tears have been streaming from my face from the start, and I’m continuously surprised that they haven’t run dry at this point. He licks my ear now, and I squirm away with a whine. He's already let himself go several times, but this pushes him over once again and he groans as he empties himself again into me. Seeming satisfied, he retreats for some time to grab something, leaving me alone and weightless. My ass aches, and feels weirdly full inside. I can feel stuff trickling out slowly from where Gackpo assaulted me, but it does little to relieve the feeling. It's more like...I've been soiled, so badly, that it can't be removed._

_It’s terrible that feeling alone like that was almost a more pleasant feeling, until I feel something even larger being shoved in his member’s stead. It’s round and thick, seeming ready to hold itself in place. I hate it. It keeps Gackpo's gunk inside of me, and now it won't even dribble out. The feeling is more unbearable than the feeling of being soiled and it dripping out slowly. “This is just to hold my gift to you in place, for now.” He whispered. “I’ll take care of you once I’ve washed up and gotten your things. Promise.”_

_I don’t care about his promises or his care. I just want out. I try to communicate that, but of course I can’t, and he wouldn’t care if I did. He vanishes, and I’m left alone. The world dissolves into a haze. I want to die. I want to be anywhere but here, in any state but this._

_And then he’s back, and the machine is removed from me. After a moment’s hesitation, the gag as well. I don’t hesitate. “Gack, please. I’m begging, please-“_

_I was meaning to say “Let me go,” but he responds with a different sort of release. His hand wraps easily around my dick, and I feel a tug around the plug inside me as he slowly eases it out. A moan loudly at the sensation, and Gackpo silences it with a kiss. His tongue invades my mouth horribly, pushing my own tongue's resistance down with force as he tries to hit the back of my throat. He alters the position of my torso slightly as he removes the plug, and I can feel the filthy liquid gushing out of me. I don't mean to, but I moan even more at the sensation. Gackpo rewards me for it this time. It barely takes three strokes before I let go, sobbing as I finally achieve the result his drugs and ministrations were longing for. I feel him ease my arms from the restraints gently, and bitterly think that now, of all times, he’s treating me carefully. I feel disgusting. I feel invaded, much more so than with the incident with the record company. I can feel my breath hitching as I fight the urge to throw up as the full realization of what just happened overcomes me. But I don’t have time to say anything before a cloth covers my face, and I slowly find myself drifting away._

***

I presently realized I was at my house. I didn’t remember how I got there, but I hear the faintest echo of tires screeching and an engine running as my father exits the house. The realization of what had just happened came to me at once, and I collapsed against the ground as I barely kept myself from screaming in anguish and pain. I was still sore, still exhausted, still hurt...I wanted to curl up in my bed and die, I was so mortified and terrified at the same time.

“…Len…?” He was better than he was last year, but I could tell his mind was still struggling. He was still far from a fully competent human being. “You…look terrible. Should…I…be worried?” His eyes were so clouded, but so filled with concern at the same time. My heart wanted to burst fully. And, just for a moment, I almost want to collapse into his arms and be a kid. I wanted to cry, and scream, and throw a tantrum about how unfair the world was.

Would he get it? Would he hold me? Would he pat my head and tell me it would be all right?

  
I wouldn’t believe it, even if he did. There wouldn't be any point. Even if he wanted to comfort me, I knew that the world, or at least my situation, wasn't going to be solved by comfort or support. Honestly, I'd be astounded if it ever got solved at all. Life just...wasn't that forgiving.

“No…it’s fine. Just a long day at the music studios. Go back to bed.”

I don’t watch him go back. I don’t hear the door shut. I don’t turn to see that he left a letter addressed to me with the initials “H.P.A”. The next day, I would read the words. I would pretend to react with ecstatic hope that I’ve been accepted, that my future was so bright and I'd be able to touch so many people’s hearts. That I'd meet so many sincere and positive people, that would make my world completely new from what I remembered it being.

Tonight, I collapsed against the wall of my home and cried, sobbing until I eventually lulled into a miserable state of unconsciousness. 


	4. The Beginning of Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len makes his way into Hope's Peak Academy, and receives some well intentioned advice from his peers. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions...

“Wait, seriously? We’re letting guys like this into Hope’s Peak Academy?”

The question was directed to a lineup that my classmates had graciously decided to create, weeding the people the believed to be worthy of the title “Ultimate” from the people they didn’t. I resided in the latter line aside a small, blonde boy with a sullen glare, a weepy raven haired girl, and a white haired boy with a distant look in his eyes. These were Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu, Mikan Tsumiki, and Nagito Komaeda, three of the apparently more dubious members of class 77-B. And leading the interrogation was Hiyoko Saionji, a small brat who glared at us like she was ready for us to die. 

At least they had been polite enough to wait a week after we had met each other to start judging us already. At this point, it had been two weeks since I received my letter from Hope's Peak. Time had passed very quickly since then, though the only thing of substance I had really managed to do was convince my manager to cut things off completely with Gackpo's recording company.

“Like, really. What are they even thinking? Pig Barf over here looks like she could fall apart any minute, and they’re making her an ultimate nurse? Boss Baby is literally just a part of the mafia, that weird sicko Komaeda just won a prize to get here, and you…” she levied her finger at me as though what she was about to say was the epitome of evil compared to the other things she listed. “You’re a complete, sex-crazed pervert! How could anyone at Hope’s Peak stand to listen to your songs?”

“Oh! Oh! Ibuki knows!” A girl with a head of colorful hair waved her arm side to side from the other side of the room. “It’s cause Len’s songs are total hits among the girl crowd and young teens! My old girl band couldn’t stop listening to some of his stuff! Oh, but I do agree he’s such a total pervert though.”

I rolled my eyes, pinching at my nose to get rid of my sudden headache. When I thought that I would meet colorful people at Hope’s Peak, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

“You do realize I don’t have any control over the kinds of songs I sing, right? I pretty much just have to roll with whatever my manager gives me. If you want to look at things I actually enjoy singing about, look at my stuff with Rin or something.”

A somewhat more plain looking redhead- Mahiru Koizumi, the ultimate photographer- tilted her head as she considered my response. “Your works with Rin? I didn’t know you did stuff like that. All I heard of was the more outlandish songs you sang, really.”

“That’s why my manager had me sing them,” I groaned at the fact they weren’t getting the point. “He decided that stuff sells, or at least attracts attention, so that’s what I have to normally stick with.”

“Ohhhhh, so you’re that kind of artist,” Ibuki counters with a huff. “Doesn’t that make you kind of the worst, though? I would never make music if it wasn’t what I wanted to make. That’s why I split from my old girl’s band, after all.”

Before I could make a response, Fuyuhiko cut in. “Hey, dumbasses. Are you here to actually talk about things or just gossip about how much better you are than us? Unlike you idiots, I actually have things I’m doing outside of class. I’d like to get going.”

“Fine, whatever. Do what you want.” Akane Owari, the Ultimage Gymnast, waved her hand as he turned and stalked off. “I gotta get back to my own place, you know? Lots of people to take care of. Maybe I can even get a fight in!”

Akane was one of the few people I actually had a decent connection with from the get-go. It turned out we were from similar areas a small distance from Hope’s Peak, and we had a lot of similar experiences as a result. Somehow, we never quite managed to catch each other before meeting at Hope’s Peak, but I was pleased that she was relatively open to my own situation compared to the likes of Hiyoko. I was tempted to chase after her and try to catch up as the students filed out from the class, but a large hand clamped on my shoulder, pulling me back before I had a chance to do anything. It wasn’t a rough touch or pull, but something about it made my blood run cold.

I reacted without really thinking about it.

A yell escaped my lips before I had a chance to stop it, and my left hand shot up to grab the hand holding me, ripping at it as I jerked my shoulder down and away from the hand.

“Woah, woah! Len, it’s all right! It’s just me!”

Ah, Nekomaru. He was the Ultimate Coach. The guy was big in a very intimidating way, and I wouldn’t lie and say that I wasn’t afraid to look him in the eye most of our first class. He just had that…aura about him. It made me nervous. Thankfully, the fact that he was about the purest person I ever met dispelled most of the more intense feelings of anxiety I had around him.

“Oh, Nekomaru. Ah…sorry. I don’t li- er, I’m not used to being pulled like that.”

“No…it’s no problem. It was my bad.” Nekomaru peered at me curiously, and I felt my heart jitter a little bit. I knew full well the reason why him pulling me like that made me react so harshly, but if he understood, it would be a disaster. I silently prayed he would just gloss over it.

“Uh…anyways. I was wondering if that stuff you were talking about, singing things you don’t really like singing…is that true?”

“Uh…yeah.” I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably. “It’s all kind of a big publicity stunt thing. At this point, I could really care less about even dating a girl, much less…all the other stuff.”

“GRAAAAAAAAH!” The yell effectively toppled me backwards, it startled me so badly. I didn’t even have the chance to pick myself up off the ground, however, before Nekomaru was grabbing me by the shoulders, staring me down with an intense gaze. I had to fight not to scream in terror.

“What do you mean, you couldn’t care less? How is that the attitude of an Ultimate, huh?! Don’t just mope around like you can’t control anything, Len!”

“Oh, oh! Nekomaru’s totally right!” That would be Ibuki, crawling around the door to join into the confrontation. “I totally get the whole ‘not wanting to sing what everyone else wants to sing’ deal, but that’s why I left my girl’s band in the first place! I think you should definitely talk to your manager and put your foot down! It’ll be tough, but totally worth it, I swear!”

I felt anxiety bubbling up deep inside my chest. Confront my manager? That guy, of all people? If I even went so far as to question him recently, it would be cause for some form of abuse or another. There would be no possible way…

“You…don’t really have a position of knowing what I do.” I murmured. I doubt they meant to, but Ibuki and Nekomaru closed in on me in their curiosity, eyes squinting in suspicion.

“What do you mean? If you have an unreasonable manager, that’s-“

“Unreasonable?” The laugh escaped me before I had a chance to stop it. “Unreasonable isn’t even close! He’s complete evil! If I do something I want to do, he criticizes it until I agree it’s worthless. If I ask him not to make me do something, he hits me until I agree to do it. He sells me out to do things I don’t want to do, and makes all these plans to make me even more uncomfortable than I already am!” I started shaking, but I couldn’t stop the words pouring out of my mouth. “He won’t let me take any legal actions against anyone, and I don’t have the resources to find a decent lawyer myself. When I complained about someone actually holding me against my will and…” I started gasping, retching, completely unable to finish the thought. I forced myself to retreat mentally, curling up into a ball as I relived that awful night, for the nth time since it happened. 

“…he never listens. He never will. I don’t have any power anymore. It’s all him.”

I looked up to see the blurry outlines of Nekomaru and Ibuki staring down at me. I couldn’t really make out their facial features, but what little I saw finally held an inkling of true horror and understanding of my actual situation. 

“Hey, Len. Come here, buddy.” Suddenly Nekomaru became a lot more gentle than he was in class. His embrace was soft, and weirdly comforting. “Sorry to make you relive that. I won’t ask you to confront him, but maybe he’s blind to how badly this is effecting you. Maybe he doesn’t know how discouraged you are. If you do come clean with him, let him know how bad off you are right now. Make sure he knows how you feel. And make sure someone’s there with you, yeah?”

I could barely make out Ibuki nodding behind him. It was almost surreal, seeing a girl so peppy look so composed at a time like this. Did I really look that miserable? Or maybe it had just been…

Wait.

“What time is it?” I couldn’t keep the panic out of my voice, and I felt Nekomaru tense up in response. “It’s, uh…3:45. Why?” 

“Shit!” I quickly pushed myself away from Nekomaru and started gathering my things. “I have recording with Rin today, and I need to talk with her about what’s been going on. I promise I’ll get back with you guys later, but I really need to head out, okay?”

I dashed out the door without waiting for a response. For what it’s worth, neither of them offered one.

***

  
“He…what?”

Recording was thankfully an easy deal when it came to me and Rin working together. The two of us synchronized really easily for a majority of the songs we sang, meaning we had plenty of free time while the sound team reviewed the audio for any errors. There weren’t usually any. Unfortunately, in this case it meant I had plenty of time to tell Rin about my misadventure with Gackpo. I decided to omit his mentioning of Rin, however. Aside from it being immensely creepy, I didn’t want her to feel at fault in any way for what happened to me.

“That dirty…slimy… _underhanded_ …” The plastic water bottle she was twisting in her hands finally snapped in half. “And you say he has an airtight alibi?” 

I nodded morosely. “Solid. He showed it to me the day after, and if he wasn’t using it to taunt me I would have believed I had only had the world’s most realistic nightmare.” The arrogant idol had showed me his “video evidence” of him hanging out with his friends around the house throughout the entire time I was otherwise unaccounted for. With me having nothing more than my word and a few bruised areas to go off of, I had been told by my manager that there really wasn’t a case for us if we even wanted to pursue it. I didn’t bother asking why he wouldn’t want to pursue something like that.

“I swear, I’m going to break the restraining order I put on him myself just so I can pound his face in.” Rin growled. “That’s completely inexcusable! I thought you said he wasn’t attracted to you since you were a guy?”

“Yeah, well…” My face flushed as I thought about his reasoning. I obviously couldn’t talk about that quite yet. I decided to opt for part of the truth instead. “The song we were doing…I had to dress up as a girl for it. That…changed his mind a bit.” 

“Gross. I’m not going to ask if you’re okay, because I think the answer there is obvious, but…what can I do? Anything? I can’t stand the thought of you suffering that whole thing with nobody to help, you know.”

I spread my arms. “I don’t know. I just…don’t know. I don’t think I can talk to a therapist, because if I talk to the wrong person it could just become this huge scandal with no evidence backing it up. I can’t tell my family, Yu’s to young to get it and dad…” I paused for a moment as a giant fist closed around my chest. “Dad’s getting better, but it’s still not good, you know? And the people at school are mostly convinced I’m just a giant pervert. I don’t know what…” I didn’t quite know how to finish the thought, so I just let it hang in the air as I curled up against my knees.

“Maybe I can just talk to you about it. Is that all right?”

“Absolutely. I’ll always be here to lend an ear if you need it. That’s an absolute promise.”

A knock at the door again, meaning Kaito was there to pick Rin up. “Aw, man. I guess they decided we’re good to go. I’ll see you tomorrow for the music vid, yeah?” I went in for a high five, but Rin avoided it and drew me into a hug. “I’m here for whatever you need me for, ‘kay? Remember that.” And then she disappeared again, dashing out the door before I could even thank her.

“All right, sport, looks like we got another productive day in, for what it’s worth,” my manager yawned as he crept around the door. “Gotta say, I love your vocals when you’re working out here. Makes even the run-of-the-mill stuff like Rin’s songs shine like a diamond,” he concluded with a chuckle. 

I shuffled my feet now, not quite sure how to respond. Was now a good time…?

“What’s the matter, kid? You look like you’ve got a burning question. Go ahead, I’m all ears.”

I looked him in the eyes, seeing what appeared to be a completely genuine smile, an easygoing tilt of the eyes. Was he finally in a good mood? Could this be the time?

“Um…sir, I was wondering…could I talk to you about something?”

Nonplussed, my manager spread his arms. “I just said you could, didn’t I? Go ahead, kid, stop being so-“

“I want to do things differently,” I blurted out.

Silence filled the room.

“Explain.”

“Ah…well,” I tried to summon up the confidence Nekomaru was talking about, but I barely felt a spark. Taking a deep breath, I let my thoughts flow. _Make sure he knows how you feel. Maybe he doesn’t get how discouraged you are._

“I’m terrified of continuing to be an idol, sir, if this is how things are going to keep going. Unless it’s with Rin, I’m singing all these awful songs I don’t want to sing, with people I don’t want to sing with, and I don’t do anything I feel is my own. When I do sing with Rin, I feel like it’s never good for you, even though reviewers give the same ratings that they give the songs you give me to sing. And when Gackpo…assaulted me, not long ago, you just brushed it off. You haven’t even talked with me to ask how I’m holding up, or gotten someone to see me about it. It’s…it’s easy to feel like you don’t care that much, sir.”

He sat there for a little while, legs crossed and arms folded as he pondered what I said. “Len…do you think, when I first scouted you and gave you well enough to live off of with little promise for your success, that I didn’t care about you? Did you, then?”

I fumbled, not quite sure how to respond. “Er…sir, but-“

“And up until you finally got scouted by Hope’s Peak, did you think I was unfair to you?”

“Ah, well-“ _Didn’t he say that he didn’t expect me to get scouted that quickly? Why was he acting like he was patiently waiting that whole time?_ I didn’t think to bring that up. “I-“

“So really, now that you’re at the top, you’re trying to tell me that I don’t care, even though I’m why you’re at the top?”

“Well, no sir, that’s not what I’m trying to-“

“ _Then what_?!” The back of his hand connected directly with my mouth, and I stumbled backwards against the wall. “You gotta be kidding me at this point, Len. I’ve been patient this whole time, but you keep bucking and acting like I’m always the problem here. You gotta learn to fall in line, little man.”

He locked the door, and I belatedly remembered the last part of what Nekomaru said. Remember to have someone with you.

Damn it.

“I’ll let you off easy this time. But I can’t have you fighting back against me any more. Don’t worry, this will be quick.”

Quick, my punishment was not.

After saying those words, he pinned me up against the wall, slamming his fist against my face again. My right eye rapidly swelled shut, and I could feel myself already tearing up. Before I could stabilize myself, I felt my legs swept from under me, and I collided roughly against the ground. He landed a couple of good kicks against my torso before I finally curled up into a ball, desperately trying to avoid further torment. It doesn’t work when he picks me up, slamming me against the floor again and causing me to unravel as my back cried out in agony. I felt myself being stood up, felt his hand tousle my hair, possibly telling me he was finally done, before grabbing a bunch of it and pulling me forward. I stumbled, off balance, only to be pushed backwards as the back of my head slammed against the wall. 

That’s what broke. Immediately, an intolerable pain filled my head as what felt like a burning white light filled my world. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t look quite straight without feeling like my world was going to spin out of control. I felt myself being pinned down, my arm wrenched beyond its natural range of motion. I cried out, but he doesn’t stop until there’s an audible pop, a scream of pain, and I black out all over again.

***

  
Nekomaru wasn’t sure why he was in this area of town. It was about equivalent to what he considered the slums, which was reason enough to avoid it altogether. But after learning about pure instinct from Akane that day, there had been something pulling at him to come here…what was it?

The sound of groaning caught him off guard. Was someone hurt? A silly question, considering most people in this area couldn’t afford to see a doctor, but still…something about that voice…

He turned the corner to see a little kid walking down the street all alone. Did he live here? Who was he? The kid was barely recognizable at a first glance. His head was bandaged around his forehead, indicating trauma from hard contact. Judging from the athletes he’d coached, he probably had a concussion. His face and arms were a mass of bruises, and he had one arm in a sling. His gait was hitched, indicating a lot of pain when walking. As he passed, Len barely even looked Nekomaru’s way.

…wait.

“Len?” Nekomaru whispered, horrified. “What happened to you?”

The boy’s look was distant and glassy as he turned to Nekomaru. The concussion had happened very recently. “Neko…nidai?” He guessed incorrectly. “Sorry, nothing much, my manager…” he paused, realizing he was saying something he wasn’t supposed to say. “I mean…I got hit…by a car…?”

The lie didn’t go through. “Your manager did this to you?”

Len looked down, very obviously abashed. “…Yup.” 

Even someone as obtuse as Nekomaru couldn’t avoid seeing the tears falling down the poor kid’s face. “Aw, Len, come here.”

It felt awful, not being able to give Len anything but a hug as the kid sobbed against his shoulder. After getting a bit of direction, Nekomaru was at least able to return him home, where a dazed man confusedly took Len, numbly accepting the excuse of him being in a car accident. A little kid cried when he saw Len, desperately grabbing up so he could help his big brother. At that point, Nekomaru decided he had seen enough. He turned away, rummaging through his phone to find the group chat that his class had created; only Akane and Len were absent from it, for now-obvious reasons.

“So…that’s why you’ve ended up like this…” After seeing how Len ended up after talking with his manager, as well as seeing his home life, it wasn’t hard to imagine the impossible situation the kid was in. Nekomaru wasn’t sure he could do anything to make his home or work life any better, and that was what wore him to the core.

But if he could help it, he would make Len’s life at school the best possible experience the kid could possibly have.


	5. Of Sound Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the wake of discovering Len's abuse, Class 77-B attempts to start off on a new foot for their classmate. But it's only a matter of time before things begin to spiral out of hand yet again...

It was nice to know that beating me half to death, dumping me at the record company’s first aid station, and kicking me out the moment I was patched up without saying so much as a word didn’t all mean my manager wasn’t a kind enough soul to send someone to check up on me the morning after. That’s what I would have said if the poor woman wasn’t just there to lather me in skin-tone makeup to try and cover up how brutalized I was in order to prevent too much attention. By sheer concept of what I decided to call luck, I didn’t have any scheduled live performances for the next month, meaning I could relax and just take care of vocals until my head was all fixed up. However, it simply wouldn’t do for people to ask questions and worry about my physical condition every time I went out, so makeup and coverups it was. Sunglasses to keep the light from giving me a migraine, long hoodies and pants to cover up my bandages and bruises. She even replaced the wrap around my head with a trendy-looking bandana, applying the same pressure while making it look more like a fashion statement than something to stabilize the crack in my head.

Before she left, the stylist simply gave me a long, hard look, squeezed my hand, and whispered, “I’m so sorry.” It was a rather helpless gesture, but I didn’t really mind. It was nice to know someone cared.

Going to school felt incredibly strange. I was a little bit better at moving around than I was last night, but I felt like I was being stared at the entire walk there. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see somebody raise up a camera phone and snap a picture. In a flash, I felt my heart begin to race. Was it that obvious that something was wrong with me? For some reason, being harassed about why I looked like I did, even if it meant it could expose my manager, made me feel completely panicky. I began to walk faster to school, catching a glimpse at myself in a passing shop mirror to see what the damage was.

Oh. Oh, God.

My sunglasses were loose, halfway down my eyes so I could see clearly without having to take the full brunt of daylight. To keep my arms completely covered, I had shoved my hands in the pockets of my jacket and hunched over to relieve the soreness in my stomach. In contrast to the dark and brooding outfit I wore, the bandana I had tied in my hair looked wild and rebellious, completing the look. I looked condescending. I looked withdrawn. I looked like I was staring down the rest of the world, declaring I didn’t care about it.

I looked like I was trying to become some sort of “bad boy”. The notion was almost laughable. I quickly decided to at least remove the jacket I was wearing, tucking it over my arms to keep them covered. With that, at least, I looked more colorful and artistic than like a wannabe punk. Thankfully, the makeup job and costume change didn’t attract a terrible amount of attention from passer byes and fellow students once I got into Hope’s Peak, making my walk to class at least fairly uneventful, if not a little nauseating from how dizzy my head made me feel. I doubted I would be able to focus at all during class. Bracing myself for a round of just barking at my classmates to leave me alone, I opened the door to our classroom…

Which was almost completely dark, save a few dimly lit candles and rays of light shining through the mostly closed-off windows. My classmates were arranged quietly in their rows, patiently looking at me expectantly, as though they were completely prepared and unfazed by the classroom’s current state. Feeling somewhat awkward, I shifted my backpack off my shoulders and let it slide to the floor by my desk. I barely even got the chance to slide behind my desk before the tiny form of Hiyoko approached me, eyes downcast and…annoyed? I prepared myself for the worst.

“Hey, Len…I wanted to, uh…apologize, a little for being mean to you yesterday, or whatever. I figured you were bluffing about that whole manager thing, so…sorry, I guess.” She suddenly blushed, gritting her teeth and flashing a snarl at me. “You’re still an idiot coward, though.” A cough came from around where Mahiru sat, causing Hiyoko to blush once more and rush towards her seat, blushing horribly. Presently, our teacher approached the front of the class without a single word about the strange state we were finding ourselves in, beginning the new lecture quietly and politely, a far cry from his more exuberant general personality. 

I shook my head, trying to clear myself of the surreal nature of the day so far. What exactly was causing this sudden change? It couldn’t be news of what happened after school yesterday, because nobody from the class even knew about-

Nekomaru.

I turned sharply to glare at the giant, who simply acknowledged the look with a raised hand and a wink. I wanted to yell at him in the middle of class for being an idiot and troubling everyone else with my own matters, but that would have been insanely inappropriate at this point. I settled for bowing my head in silent thanks towards his direction instead.

The rest of the class was similarly framed and structured in a quiet, solemn, and…accommodating atmosphere. I constantly looked over to my classmates to understand if I was interpreting the day right, and yet all I received were nods of affirmations, thumbs up, and even a wry smile from Fuyuhiko, which I never thought I would see after first meeting the up and coming Yakuza. Frankly, it was beginning to reach the point of being unsettling. 

Inevitably, however, we were able to reach the point of our lunch break, where I attempted to make a break for the door and eat by myself, away from the concerned looks and pitiful stares I was continuing to receive from my classmates. Unfortunately…

“Hey, Len! Where do you think you’re going?” Akane’s attempts at being subtle and quiet were not entirely successful, and I recoiled a bit as my head began to ring from the noise.

“Akane, shhhh.” Mahiru said in a much calmer and quieter voice. “You need to talk quieter if you don’t want to aggravate him further.”

“Oh, right…my bad.” The apology would perhaps have felt more sincere if she wasn’t already beginning to stuff her face with giant slabs of meat. By the time the interaction had ended, however, the damage had already been done; I found myself surrounded by fifteen other students, all of whom were peering at me with looks ranging from curiosity to wariness to downright pity. 

“Ugh…guys, can we not do this right now? I don’t really want to-“

“Talk about how much you think you’re inconveniencing us? Or about how embarrassing this is for you?” Mahiru questioned bluntly. “You need to realize you’re not as much of a burden as you act like you are.”

I stopped mid-complaint, taken aback by her blunt response. “How-“

“I was brought on to help photo shoot Rin for the album you two are going to be performing next, coincidentally enough. I didn’t tell her about what happened last night, since I figured that’s something you would want to take care of. However, I asked her about you after Nekomaru texted all of us. She told me pretty much everything she knows, honestly.” Saying that, Mahiru couldn’t help a blush coming up to her face. “So…sorry for prying that deep in. I didn’t realize it was that in-depth.”

And now I was blushing. “But why act all special towards me, though? I’m not any different from you all, and it’s not like I’m the only one who’s going through anything, right? I’m sure you all have your own things to worry about without thinking too much about me…”

“U-ummm…right, we are sort of the same, being ultimates and all,” Mikan trembled. “But…doesn’t that mean we should all treat each other well? Because- and don’t take this the wrong way or anything- we should want to treat each other like we’re on the same level…how we want to be treated.”

The room went silent for a moment as everyone, bewildered, stared at Mikan. Naturally, the girl immediately dissolved into tears. “Oh noooooo! I’m so sorry, I assumed too much and said something that made everyone mad! Please forgive meeeeeee!”

“…We’ll…work on her next.” Mahiru pondered aloud.

We continued talking amicably like that for a while, discussing each other’s works and activities outside of Hope’s Peak. Mahiru showed us the dazzling pictures she took of Rin in her new outfit for our album, generating “oohs” and “aaahs”, as well as questions about my own costume, which I still had yet to see. 

“Ah, but that reminds me, though!” I exclaimed, gesturing to the group. “Our music video is going to be covering a massive dance party, and we wanted extras to pad in the numbers. If you guys wanted to stop by after school sometime, I think a lot of you would fit in super perfectly. Just make sure to wear something casual, like you would to a club or something.” The idea was met with a mixture of extreme enthusiasm (from the likes of Ibuki and Akane) and abject terror (mostly Mikan).

Mikan offered to give an in-depth explanation of her job working at a local hospital, but nobody particularly offered to hear the specific details while we were having lunch. Akane discussed her new routine she had just made up, earning a frustrated discourse from Nekomaru concerning the necessity of being more prepared focused on her training. Meanwhile, Hiyoko and Ibuki hyped up their own creative progress in the performing arts.

“I gotta say, Len, I kinda get where you’re coming from when it comes to industry perverts,” Hiyoko graoned, sticking out her tongue. “My target audience is supposed to be a younger crowd, but I get cornered all the time by old guys trying to take pictures of me or get close to me, or other gross stuff like that. I totally hate them.”

Ibuki gasped. “Oh! But they haven’t done anything to you, have they? That’d be, like, super duuuuper creepy!”

Hiyoko shook her head, sticking out her tongue again. “Nah, they never get the chance. My family, especially my dad when I was younger, kept me safe from stuff like that.”

I felt my face flush, and I looked down, away from the conversation. I didn’t hold it against him, of course, for not being protecting me from people like my manager and Gackpo. Hell, I hadn’t even told him that anything was happening at this point. He believed my lies for pretty much everything up to this point, so I was confident in being able to keep my own issues to myself while he recovered fully. But still, hearing Hiyoko talk about being protected like that…it made my stomach go numb, and yet hurt at the same time.

“Uh, oh. Len? Are you okay?” I could feel Ibuki’s hand reach towards me, and I looked up to swat it away-

The door crashed open. Light immediately flooded the room directly into my eyes, and I gasped as the two aggravating stimuli pounded into my head, creating a fresh new wave of pain.

“Sorry for the intrusion!” The young man who intruded, completely oblivious to the situation at hand, shouted at the top of his lungs. “My name is Hajime Hinata! I’m a first year in the Hope’s Peak Reserve Course, and I wanted to come look a-“ he coughed to clear his throat. “Er, I mean, talk to you! Please!”

Enough was enough. My head was pounding unbearably, and this kid was making it worse with each word he was saying. I suddenly felt incredibly nauseous, like I was about to spill my guts over the entire classroom floor. Trembling, I scrambled for my sunglasses and, finding nothing, pulled my hood over my eyes and shoved past Hajime to exit the room. 

“Hey! Wait, wha-“

“Bathroom,” I mumbled incoherently. "Gotta go…”

I didn’t keep track of where I was going. I just stumbled blindly around, desperately trying to steady my breath, calm the pounding in my head, settle my stomach.

“-en?” Someone took my hand. She spoke softly, quietly, so I figured it was probably one of my classmates there to check up on me. I just nod my head, wanting nothing more than to just huddle in a corner and ride out this horrible moment. Seeming to acquiesce, she tugged gently on my hand to lead me around the school, back to my classroom. It’s a blessing when a door opens and I see an absence of light, a beautiful room for me to adjust and return to normal. 

And then I was shoved against the wall.

I didn’t really get it for the first little bit. I didn’t quite catch the door clicking shut, or the blurring, stumbling words that stumble from the girl’s mouth. I just shook my head, trying to clear it and understand what was going on. For some reason, that upset her. Then she shoved me again, not so much forcefully as firmly, and her hands roam…

Oh.

“W-wait…” I felt like I was saying something, but my head still felt so light, and she wasn’t stopping, even going further as she tried to kiss me, and I tried again to say something.

“Please, don’t…” I try to move my hands and feet, but I felt so sluggish and my head was still so light. Was anything I was doing even registering with her? At the very last, I heard footsteps just outside the room. The girl tried to quiet me, but I mustered up everything, trying to clear my head completely and blurt out,

“Help!”

The door burst open quickly, and I heard a low, deep voice growl something unintelligible in a threatening manner. 

“I’m sorry! I thought he wanted to…I mean, he didn’t…” The girl huffed and rushed out the door. “I’m sorry!”

I rubbed my head, trying to make out the threatening figure. He was definitely huge, but something about him seemed warmer and kinder than most would give him credit for. And he was very familiar, posing with an intense build that was super protective. Then it clicked, that I was looking at Nekomaru.

“Hey, thanks Nekomaru,” I mumbled bleakly. “Sorry, I just…the concussion’s probably worse than I really figured. It’s fine, though, really. I think she really was just a misunderstanding this time, so it’s probably best to drop it. I just got confused, and she thought I wanted to go somewhere private, and I didn’t really catch on. I can’t figure out most anything at this rate. Is class already starting or something?”

More garbled words, and I felt a strong but gentle pull on my arm as he tugged me from the room, leading me to the stairwell.

“Uh, Nekomaru? Our class is on the first floor. What are you-?” I stopped, realizing it’s pointless for me to ask questions if I can’t understand what he’s saying. Besides, I could probably guess where my classmate was taking me. If my concussion was causing this much trouble, he was probably going to bring me to the school nurse to get checked out, which was probably for the best right now.

Proving me right, we moved up the floors of the school, turning corners until I saw the red-framed door with a cross on the very top. Nekomaru led me in, whispered a few words to the head nurse, and then promptly left without another word.

“Nekomaru?” I called out after him, but he was already gone.

With him gone, all I’m left with is the nurses, who waste no time in looking over my head carefully, testing out my eyesight, light tolerance, sound tolerance, reflexes, everything you could think of. I failed miserably, but at least I was able to tell what they were saying at this point.

“Okay, Len, now we’re going to look at those bruises you have, all right? You don’t have to do anything, just let us check over them and make sure there’s nothing wrong-“

Bruises? They shouldn’t be visible at this point, should they? There was makeup covering them and everything. 

Apparently my filter between my brain and mouth was broken, because the nurse nodded solemnly. “Well…” I immediately turned towards a mirror, and my heart drops as I see my makeup partially smeared away, probably thanks to the girl shoving and touching me all over the place. “J…Er, the man who brought you here, said he found you like this.” So the person who brought me wasn’t even Nekomaru.

Meaning that he was probably telling everyone in the school how black and blue I was right then. This was humiliating.

“O-on the bright side,” the nurse continued, tracing her hands down the bruises. “Nothing seems deeply harmed at the moment. You should be fine in a short time if you keep healthy, okay? But if I may ask…what happened to put you in this state?”

I curled up into my knees, not saying anything. The nurse simply nodded and turned away. “Understood.”

Time went on, but I wasn’t allowed back in class due to my condition. Neither would I be allowed to go to recordings with Rin after school. I was to be led straight home by someone they contacted, and rest for the next couple of days until I was suitable to come back.

Eventually, the door opened quietly, and I saw a female version of myself enter the room. I nearly cried with relief.

“Rin! I-“

“Save it.” She held her hand up, stopping me immediately. “I have a lot of things to talk with you about, so just tell me: are you able to listen and talk to me, and retain all of that stuff?”

“He is,” the nurse nodded appreciatively. “His motor functions are still poor, but he can at the very least communicate effectively unless overstimulated.”

“Good.” Saying that, Rin pulled my arm, practically dragging me all the way out of the school.

Silence reigned as we walked, Rin guiding me as I stumbled half-blindly around. Finally, we stopped under a shop window and Rin spun around to confront me.

“Why the hell do you refuse to tell me anything?”

I shook my head, completely uncomprehending. “Wha-?”

“The song you were recording with Gackpo? The one that got you into trouble? You knew it was the song he and I sang together. And you knew that he acted so weird to me during our recording that I ended up cutting him off and getting a restraining order on him. The song released this morning, and that’s when I figured it all out. He mentioned me when he was…” she stopped, breathing in heavily, before directing a glare at me. “Am I right?”

I couldn’t do much besides nod meekly.

“And last night, after I left, you immediately get yourself beaten half to death and I don’t hear a single thing about it until Hope’s Peak calls me to tell me you’ve been brutalized? Not to mention how messed up it is that I have to be your emergency contact because your dad isn’t well enough to take care of you himself!” I flinched, but couldn’t do much to combat her words, yet again.

“Len…what’s it going to take for you to be up front with me here?” Rin shook her head, seeming suddenly very teary-eyed. “It’s not fair to yourself to just take everything that’s given to you and not bother anyone else with it. Please, let me in. Let your classmates in. I want to know you’re okay, and I want to know when you’re not okay.”

“…All right.” I nodded meekly once more, wondering if I really meant it or was just trying to make her feel better. I wanted to mean it, of course, but still…

“…All right. I’m taking care of you for the next couple of days. Kaito’s covering for me for that amount of time, so no complaining about being a burden to me or him. And no more alone time with your manager. At the very least have a member of the staff present if we can’t be there. We’re changing things, right here and now.”

Hearing the confidence in her voice, one would have almost believed the change would end up for the better.

***

The last of the students finally left campus. No sign of the Ultimate Idol or the girl we had contacted to bring him home, but I had received word from the nurse that they had left, and the security post at the gates confirmed she exited the premises with him. I must have just missed them. Pity, since I wanted to talk to him more before I contacted Kirigiri. 

Well, not like I could help it now.

Flipping my phone open, I dialed in the number and waited for three rings to come through the phone.

“Jin Kirigiri.” The voice echoed over the phone.

“Juzo Sakakura, Head of Security. I wanted to report a confrontation with a male and female student during lunch hours.”

The sigh was heavy and world weary, likely borne from similar affairs I had reported early on in my career, not quite fathoming what Hope’s Peak considered “necessary interventions”.

“Juzo, a couple of kids having a make-out session isn’t a breach-“

“The boy had a severe concussion and several bruises covering his face, arms, and torso. The nurse reported him being withdrawn and unwilling to elaborate on the source, and his classmates reported that he’s received various forms of abuse surrounding his current workplace environment. Specifically with a former student of the Academy.”

That shut the headmaster up. A long pause permeated the call.

“We’ll send someone down to get more information. Remain on standby until we have more to go off of. If that’s true, we’ll need to act as quickly as possible before Steering Committee gets any word. I’m counting on you keeping things as quiet as possible until then.”

"Understood."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise Juzo! And now Hope's Peak is actually getting involved! And as we know, only good things happen when Hope's Peak gets involved in personal scandals...right?


	6. Fiery Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Koichi Kizakura is assigned to visit Len's family and get to the heart of the matter regarding Len's state. But Len's father proves to be a force that is increasingly difficult to discern...

I tried my best to hold my breath as I walked through the absolute monstrosity that was the local poverty area around Hope’s Peak Academy. The smells of wastes, garbage, and overripe alcohol permeated the streets so thoroughly, I could feel myself tearing up just thinking about it. Normally, I wouldn’t find myself even remotely close to this area of my own volition, but I was working off of a special request from Headmaster Kirigiri, and I would do just about anything for that man. Besides, I was free from class duty today and our scouting reports for the next year were nearly completed regardless. Visiting by to investigate the status of the Ultimate Male Idol was something I could take a remote interest in, at least. And so, I found myself standing in front of a ratty old house, with a wooden door that looked about to rot off its hinges. Was this really the correct address for a talented kid like Len?

I knocked on the door, and received my answer almost immediately as an older man opened the door. He was haggard and worn-looking, sure, but it was undeniable that the man had been as attractive in his prime as his son was said to appear to the female audience. His blonde hair, disheveled and streaked with dirt and grey hairs, still remained thick and full despite his old age. His sunken and clouded eyes still sparkled blue with a bit of hidden fire that still burned inside. Even his smile, which should have been rotted well away given the heavy smell of cigarettes and alcohol, remained intact and charming, even if a bit frazzled and confused.

“You…must be mister… Kizakura?” The spark in Mr. Kagamine’s eyes waned as he visibly struggled to recall the basic information I had relayed on the phone. “Rin…told me to expect you. What did…I mean, to talk about…?”

I briefly shook my head in awe, then turned to see how the rest of the hovel was faring; which is to say, not well. I could see Len in the back of the house, soundly sleeping as a girl watched over him, calm in spite of my sudden appearance. That meant she was likely Rin, the girl I had been told was looking after the boy. Sitting at a table off to the side was another boy, much younger and vastly difference in appearance from his father or brother. His hair and eyes were both incredibly dark, but shining with an intense curiosity that always came with kids of a young age.

“I take it he takes after his mother, then?” I motioned over to the boy jokingly, nodding at the intense different between him and his father.

“Ah, well…” Mr. Kagamine began, before shaking his head as if to clear it. “She died some time ago…and I never met her family…it’s hard to tell what he got from her, I suppose.”

“I…see.” By this point, Rin had acknowledged my appearance, and had made her way to the table as well, sitting opposite the boy. Mr. Kagamine in turn sat next to him, leaving me to sit alongside Rin.

“Mr. Kagamine, I’m here because I want to discuss Len’s current position as an Ultimate Idol at the academy. As you’re aware, we take great pride in our students, and as such want them to have the best quality lifestyle we can provide for them at the Academy. Which is why-“

“You’re not…taking him…” The growl emanating from Len’s father shocked me, and I looked up to see the hidden fire in his eyes suddenly brought to the forefront. His gaze was focused as he stared me down, unwavering in his adamancy. “I…may not be able to give him much. But I can’t…let you take him. If that’s what this is about…”

“No, Mr. Kagamine, you misunderstand, please.” There was something about that gaze, though. I wanted to see that fire again, curious as to the source. The man was obviously in a bad way, but something about that fire…but not right now. We needed to get to the heart of the matter.

“We’ve received some concerning reports from the faculty and students at Hope’s Peak regarding what Len has experienced working as an idol for the past year. If it’s no trouble, would you mind telling me what you know so far about your son’s working life?”

“Well…” Mr. Kagamine’s eyes grew cloudy again. “He started off helping me…in construction, I suppose. Small stuff that a...boy his age could do. Then-“

“About his idol career, if you please.” I decided to file away the information that the boy had apparently been working even before becoming an idol.

“Ah.” Suddenly the man seemed at a loss. “Well…one day he came in, claiming...he had gotten a job, and would be getting us more...money to work with to get by. That’s when we got the...bed,” he motioned to where Len was lying in the back. “Since he got the money...for it, it’s Len’s. Yu and I sleep on...the couch.” He paused, then giggled a little. “Heh. My son Yu, and I. Not you and I, Mr. Kizakura.”

“I was aware.” I could feel my blood pressure rising at the full contents of this conversation, but I forced myself to calm down. “And…do you know of anything after that?”

Mr. Kagamine grinned widely. “He made lots of…real nice songs. I sing ‘em when...I’m at work every day. Tell the people on the...streets ‘bout how my son’s gonna be the...biggest singer in all Japan, y’know.”

I grit my teeth. “Yes, but personally, Mr. Kagamine. Did Len bring up anything out of the ordinary or strange about his work?”

This finally made the man pause and think a moment. “Well, he came home late a...couple odd nights. He’d seem real down, so I’d read...him an old bedtime story he liked. You know the legend...of the cat and the rat? I tell him that one all the time...and it makes him feel…better… Oh!” He clasped his hands and leaned forward. “A while ago…a month, or something, he...came back with a friend of his looking...real beat up, and I was a bit worried...then, but he said he was hit by...a car or something. Tried to call the...police and get them on it, but he couldn’t describe it...and wouldn’t talk to them, though.”

That…

“Mr. Kagamine, the incident you’re talking about happened _three nights_ ago.”

The man’s eyes glassed over, then refocused. “Oh? Oh…”

I couldn’t help it anymore. Not at that point. I slammed my head against the table, earning a startled shout from the man and a cry from little Yu.

“Do you have _any_ idea what you’ve been putting your son through, Mr. Kagamine?” I felt a bit startled at the heat coming from my own face. It wasn’t normally like me to get this riled up. But for some reason, seeing the boy sleeping there, after all he had been through, after Jin had asked me so earnestly to look into him…it did make me think of a certain someone, at the very least. “Do you have any idea what’s happened to him? He didn’t arrive like a beat up mess because of a car accident, multiple reports have affirmed that it was his own manager that did this to him. They’ve also reported him being beaten by his manager before, as well as being raped on two separate occasions. And you have had no idea that this was going on, have you?”

Mr. Kagamine’s eyes dilated, and for a brief moment I saw the fire again. “That’s…that has to be...impossible. He would have told me if something like that was happening. Rin…?”

I looked to my side and saw the girl drawing herself in, nodding her own affirmation as tears slid down her face. “It’s true. He’s been confiding in me since…since the day we first met, really.”

“And he didn’t…me…” the man mumbled, before shaking his head again resolutely. “No. Absolutely not. I won’t believe it until I hear it from Len’s own-“

“Yes.”

All four of us whirled around to see the Hope’s Peak student leaning into the wall to face the four of us, his body clearly trembling from weakness and fatigue. Rin immediately leapt up to take his hand, pulling him back a bit. “Len, please, it’s okay. Don’t get up and talk, you need to lie down and-“

“It’s true. Every bit of it. I…I covered it up with you the whole time, so you wouldn’t worry. I…I’m really sorry.”

His father's eyes grew bright, and suddenly everything about him seemed...clearer. "Len, what-"

The words tumbled out of the boy's mouth suddenly, like a flood refusing to be stopped. "I lied about being hit by a car and staying at a friend's late. The car excuse was him beating me because I wanted to change the kind of music I was singing. Me staying late was Gackpo...he assaulted me and then just dumped me in front of the house after. And when I was working on Plus Boy, that was my manager basically selling me to the production company for the night for whatever they wanted. It was all a lie, dad. It's all just been...a lie." Saying this, the boy burst into tears, leaning into Rin as she coaxed him back onto the bed. “I’m sorry, I just…didn’t want you to worry…” Rin shushed him gently, whispering soothing words as she tried to lure him back into sleep.

The fire was bright in Mr. Kagamine’s eyes. “So…under my nose, this whole time…my son was mistreated…no, abused, and I never did a thing about it. I never even questioned it, did I?” A soft laugh coughed up from the man’s throat, quickly twisting into a shameful sob. “I’m useless. I’m completely useless.”

I tried my best to steady my breath, in spite of the rather pathetic sight in front of me. Ironically, the six year old seemed to be the only member of the “family” that didn’t seem inclined to cry or appear anxious in any sort of manner. Not that the emotions weren’t understandable in this case, of course.

“Mr. Kagamine, if I may, about our future actions-“

“Can I tell you something, Mr. Kizakura?” The sobs were gone from the father’s voice, replaced with a stern intensity. “It’s a story. About Len’s mom.”

I didn’t really see the point in it, but something about the way the man spoke made me believe I wasn’t leaving the home without hearing the story. I obliged, tipping my head forward to encourage his speech.

“Mira and I…neither of us were ever very well off. I came from a family pretty much exactly like the one you see now: barely a home, scraps of money coming in, kids had to work when they could. Mira was actually a bit better off, but she cut away from her family when they wanted to force her to marry some businessman who had his eye on her. When Mira told me she wanted to get married, I actually turned her down at first…figured she could get a better life if she tried. She really was a beauty, tall and fair and with all that lovely red hair.”

“Red hair? I-“ I looked down at Yu, dark hair obscuring his equally dark eyes as he stared down at the floor, innocently watching a bug. “What-?”

“You might be understanding where this story’s headed, Mr. Kizakura. After Mira convinced me I was the one for her, I worked as many jobs as I could to help us stay afloat. Course, it wasn’t near enough, as I’ve got about as much education as a grade schooler. I can barely get by on the lowest paying jobs some days. Some days I was lucky and was able to use my looks for pictures, back when I was a looker. Mira, though…well, she decided she needed to bring home more if we wanted to build a family. And to do that, she needed to something that would be…less savory. Payed great, but it had it’s own costs.”

I grimaced at the implication. “You mean, she was a wh-“

“An _escort_.” Mr. Kagamine emphasized firmly, looking down at Yu. The man was strange in terms of how he chose to protect his kids. “She did what she needed to, got the money she needed to. Nobody ever really questioned it, except Len when she got home feeling like she was about to collapse from the physical and emotional stress. I…just told him she was sick. I guess I thought I could protect them from that whole side of life if we pretended it didn't exist." A harsh, crazed chuckle exited his mouth. "Lots of bunk, I guess, for all the good it ended up doing us. But at the time, it made things easier. Then…came Yu.”

He motioned to the boy, who was happily oblivious to the role he was playing this night. “Kid was…well, no kid’s an accident, far as I see it, but we certainly didn’t expect him. One of her customers said he was using protection, and that turned out to be a fat ol’ lie. When she started getting sick in the morning, I actually was the one who suggested getting rid of it. But Mira, she....”

He ruffled Yu’s head, and the boy leaned into the touch cheerfully and affectionately. “Granted, because of her clientele, we actually could afford to keep him, thank God. We actually were pretty well off, and Mira was shockingly happy about it, until the client came in when she was in her eighth month.” Suddenly, the man’s eyes grew dark, and he moved his hand away from his son’s head. Yu made an irritated noise, grabbing at the hand to bring it back, but his father refused.

“Turns out, word went around on the street that the prettiest… _escort_ …was going to be out of commission for a while due to getting herself pregnant at work. Guy heard the due date, put two and two together. Tried to get my wife to promise him full custody when she gave birth, like hell she was going to give Yu over to an irresponsible sleazebag. And instead of taking her to the courts, he decided he’d beat the rights out of her. Maybe even the baby, too, and he could just forget the whole thing.”

He rubbed the back of his head, and now he was beginning to cry again. Yu grabbed his hand again, this time making odd cooing noises, as if trying to soothe him. “Mira…she made every doctor that she met promise that Yu would make it out okay. Didn’t even ask after herself. When she was told they needed to surgery to get him out unharmed, she didn’t even hesitate.” Trembling, he put his other hand down to bring Yu up into a close embrace. "The surgery went fine, but she...she couldn't quite recover. She tried, I know she did, but in the end she just..." The sentence trailed off.

“The last thing she ever said to me was to make me promise to protect her kids, for now and forever. And I tried. I really did. We cremated the body, didn’t have a service, and I put everything I had into getting jobs, getting money, doing whatever I could to provide. Then, one night after work, one of my pals offered me a drink, on the house, since I’d been working so hard. One drink turned into two, and three, and after a while, I began to forget about how miserable life was without Mira.” The man shook his head. “I began to go to the bar more. I got laid off from jobs, wasn’t making as much money at the ones I managed to keep. Definitely wasn’t rising through the ranks. When I was lucid, I realized how much I was screwing my kids over, doing all this. And I got miserable all over again, and the solution to the misery was to wash it all down. The cycle ended up being my life, and at some point…” He turned to the bed, bewildered, as Len seemed to have settled back into an uncomfortable sleep. “I guess Len became the real caretaker for the house. I just…lived there. And I didn’t care, not even a little bit.” The man sank his head into his arms, letting out a long, deep groan.

“So much for taking care of and protecting Mira’s kids, huh?”

Suffice to say, I felt extremely uncomfortable after the story. Of course, to a certain extent I understood how he felt…particularly in relation to the endless cycle of drowning your worries in alcohol. I decided to opt for a lighter tone now.

“Mr. Kagamine, please understand that it is neither my job nor my expectation to regard how you work as a parent. However, I can see that idea is very important to you. If that’s the case, I’d like to talk to you a little bit about what you should do moving forward.”

Len’s father looked up now, his eyes rapt with attention. “What can I do?”

“Well,” I coughed in preparation. “Hope’s Peak Academy is considering the best possible course of taking legal action against the parties involved in Len’s current and past systems of abuse. Evidence based legality ultimately means we don’t have many conclusive arguments against any of the current parties aside from victim and witness accounts, which can’t tell a full story unless we can hope for willing witnesses close to any of the offending parties, which we simply don’t expect. However, more tangibly, we are incredibly willing to offer counseling services for Len…and you.” I added the last part in on a whim, trusting Jin would approve. After all, it was clear that Mr. Kagamine wanted what was best, and could likely become a much greater help with some proper counseling.

“Aside from that, we would like to offer Len a selection of accredited and supportive manager options, available the moment his current contract with his manager is terminated, which is due to be at the end of this school year. And of course, should any further violence or other abuse be reported to us, we will not hesitate in pursuing legal action for him.”

The look on Mr. Kagamine’s face could only be described as pure radiance. “Mr. Kizakura…I don’t know how to…thank you. Thank you so-“

“I’m just here to talk,” I held up a hand, stopping him mid-sentence. “If you want to thank someone, thank the headmaster. He’s the one who wanted to look out for the kid after he heard the news. And now that I have affirmation, I can affirm for you that he will do anything in his power to stick up for Len. You have his word.”

Mr. Kagamine’s “Thank you”s repeated all throughout our discussion of therapy and counseling sessions, outlines of legal action, and discussions of manager positions. It was also the last thing I heard as I finally left the smelly hovel and made my way back to my comfy old office.

Maybe, just for tonight, I wouldn’t have that bottle of whiskey.

***

“What do you mean, we can’t take further action?” Jin roared against the phone, furiously addressing the men on the other end of the phone.

“Jin, Gackpo is one of our finest alumni, and an insanely popular artist as the former Ultimate Exotic Dancer.” One of the Steering Committee said in what was meant to be a placating tone but ended up being incredibly condescending. “Not to mention, his contributions for Hope’s Peak are unparalleled! If we take action against him, the scandal will be uproarious, and our funding will plummet! I expressly forbid you to continue this line of investigation.”

“But-“ Jin groaned, deciding to change the topic. It wasn’t worth talking with these men. “What about Len, then? What actions are we going to ta-“

Another voice responded now. “Oh, don’t worry about Len. We’ve decided to be gracious and take that burden off your and Koichi’s shoulders as well!” That didn’t sound good.

“I fully intend to see all my students protected and cared for in the highest degree possible, sir.”

“Understood, understood! And the same from us, of course.” Jin could almost feel the evil smirk coming off the chairman’s mouth as he said those words. But the words after were the ones that chilled him to the bone.

“Trust us, Jin. Once we’ve set our interventions, I _guarantee_ you will not receive a single future complaint from either Len or his classmates. That, we can all promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...warning, next chapter is a rough old time. If you couldn't guess by the lead-in.


	7. Identity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len leaves off for a "therapeutic retreat" with his newly appointed counselor at the behest of Hope's Peak Academy. However, a last minute request from the Headmaster throws everything about her into suspicion...

It was shocking to see just how much change could happen in a few days.

I didn’t remember much of what happened after I finally told my dad about what I had been going through at the studios, but Rin told me that my dad’s demeanor had changed pretty much completely from that point on in the night, and after I woke up it wasn’t hard to believe. Even if the exterior of our home was still downtrodden and disheveled, I got up to seeing clean floors, relatively fresh air, and even a cooked meal. But the thing that broke me was seeing my father sitting by my bedside, anxiously staring as I came to with a smile on his face.

“Good morning, Len. I’m…so glad to see you’re awake.”

I knew it was foolish to hope, but when that happened, I had the faintest desire to know that he was completely back, that everything that had happened the past six years just wasn’t a thing anymore. As we talked, it became evident that wasn’t necessarily the case. He still had gaps in his memory, and he still struggled to find simple words to complete his sentences. But he was definitely different…a lot stronger than he was before the visit.

As we talked, I learned about what was really going on with mom, and what her job really was when I was a kid. A part of me was completely taken aback, while another part of me just felt resigned to the whole thing. In a weird way, it sort of made sense, both in regards to my childhood and, ironically, my current situation. The only thing that bothered me…

“What about Yu?” I asked quietly. “I mean…when you were…um….hurting. Was he a part of that?” I shifted, uncomfortable about the question I was asking. It was hard to ask such a blunt question, but it was right at the forefront. _Did you hate my little brother?_

Thankfully, my dad seemed to understand the meaning, looking away with an abashed look. “I…won’t deny that there were times he felt like a reminder. I may have even thought of him as the thing that took Mira away on some days. But I never…I never hated him, if that’s what you’re asking. When I worked, all I wanted to do was provide for him and give him his best life, just as with you.”

“Good.” I smiled again, feeling a wave of relief wash over me. “That makes me really glad.” 

“Say, Len…” My dad paused for a moment, then shook his head to look me in the eyes. “Are you…completely sure you want to follow this? I mean, you don’t have to be the Ultimate Idol, right? I’m sure, after our discussion, the Headmaster wouldn’t rescind his offers if we were to leave the school regardless.”

I shook my head. “No, I do…still want to become the Ultimate Idol. My manager may suck, but mom…I still remember what she told me, every night. I want to be able to sing for a living, with the passion she always wanted me to. And…I want my songs to give hope to others. To reach out to them, and let them feel better about themselves.”

“I see…and your manager? Is there a reason we can’t just cut from him?”

Again, I shook my head. “No, we can’t do that either. Since he was what got me famous, as per our contract he currently holds rights to my name and performing ability, and that only ends if we run out the contract time. If I cut it off early, it’s entirely possible he could just revoke the rights to my name, and I just wouldn’t be able to perform any more, at least under a recognizable identity.”

“Ah.” Dad pressed his hands against his head, lowering himself down gently. “I thought I had come up with some pretty good answers, but it looks like you’re still a couple steps ahead of me. But we’ll figure out something to make this better. I promise.”

I stood up to hug him, but a wave of nausea immediately rolled over me, and I hunched to the side. Dad laughed, but in a soft, painful way as he guided his arm gently under my own to support me. “Let’s lie back down for now. We can do hugs when you’re feeling a bit better.”

Gradually, the pain and nausea began to recede, and I became more and more confident about going to school…or, rather, not. As it turned out, part of the agreement Mr. Kizakura made with my dad the night he visited was something he called a “therapeutic retreat” where I would spend five days with a counselor of Hope’s Peak’s choosing as a sort of trust-building and therapy-centered release. I initially reacted to the idea pretty negatively, and my dad had to end up getting my teacher and classmates to come by and ensure me that I wouldn’t be missing any schoolwork that would put me completely behind my class, and that all the information I needed would be there for me when I got back. And so, on the first Monday morning after my official medical release to go back to school, I found myself walking away from my classroom, towards the faculty parking area where I was set to meet my counselor.

“L-Len? Len! Wait, Len!” Mikan’s shout shocked me, and I turned just in time to see the nurse in training spectacularly trip over her own bandages, vaulting over a bush to land…

Oh, my. How did she even manage to land in a position like that?

“Ah, Mikan, what is it? I’m kind of going to be late for my meeting.” I tried my best not to stare at the girl as I helped her up, feeling my face glow a deep red. 

“Th-th-that’s actually what I-I’m here for,” Mikan blubbered. “The h-head of security came by the c-c-classroom, asking us to send you a message. And then the class all said they didn’t want to, so I got picked by default.” I grimaced, trying my best not to laugh at poor Mikan’s perpetual disaster lifestyle. 

“What did the headmaster want to say to me? Surely we don’t need to talk more about…our agreement.”

“A-actually, that’s exactly it. He wanted to ask you to hold off on seeing your new counselor for a little while, just so he could get the whole situation settled. E-er, I think that was the message anyways. An airhead like me was probably going to get it wrong immediately, you know…”

I would have comforted the girl, but I was too busy being completely thrown off by her assertion. Why would the headmaster postpone me seeing a counselor? That didn’t make any sense…right?

“I’m sure you’ve got that message all wrong, young lady.” Both Mikan and I whirled around to see a young woman, looking to be in her mid-twenties, dressed smartly in a black business suit and with her deep brown hair caught up in a tight bun. “Nice to meet you, Len. I’m Francesca Allbright, your appointed counselor. And if I may, Miss Mikan.” She turned to address Mikan, who yelped in fright at being addressed, “Please tell Headmaster Kirigiri that I have the situation fully under control, and that his employers have advised him not to draw this situation out longer than is necessary.”

Mrs. Allbright turned to me. “You see, Len, Headmaster Kirigiri is a wonderful man, but he’s forced to deal with a lot of red tape and has a hard time giving control to other people. When he heard one of the committees supporting Hope’s Peak was helping relieve some of his burden, he became quite agitated and wanted to halt the process. However, if I may be frank, I think your situation would be best handled immediately, and I don’t believe there to be any danger to us starting immediately. Do you not agree?”

I gulped, not quite sure what to do. I trusted Headmaster Kirigiri, but all the things my counselor was saying…made sense…

“U-um, I’m sorry, Len.” Mikan bowed towards me, beginning to wail again. “I probably misinterpreted the message completely and held you up at the same time! Please, enjoy yourself without meeee…” 

Taking a breath, I steeled myself and made a decision. I patted Mikan’s shoulder awkwardly as I mumbled a sort of halfhearted encouragement, then turned to Mrs. Allbright. “If it’s all right, then sure. Let’s go.”

***

“I’m sorry, Mikan. I shouldn’t have expected him to come back if it was just you.” Jin leaned back against his chair as he stared up at the ceiling, a settling feeling of dread filling his gut. It wasn’t even Len that was even his biggest issue right now. Mountains of paperwork for incoming students, research results from scientists going on about creating hope, and a damned “intel” about a spreading movement to oppose the school…he didn’t have time for all of this. 

“N-no, I’m sorry…I backed down to easily and made him think you were wrong! I don’t deserve to-“

“You did your job wonderfully, Mikan. I can just hope the Steering Committee managed to actually do their job competently, for once. What did you say the name of the woman who picked Len up was, again?”

“U-u-um…Allbright? I think? Oh! That’s right, F-Francesca Allbright.”

The room became so quiet one could hear a pin drop.

“Francesca…Allbright?”

“Y-y…yes?”

Jin immediately leapt up from his seat to head to the door, only for both teacher and student to fall backwards as the door opened of its own volition. 

“Headmaster Kirigiri, more paperwo-“ Kirigiri’s secretary looked around his giant stack of papers to notice the still-unopened research papers and documents lying on one side of his boss’s desk. “Jin. Please.”

The headmaster shrugged weakly. “Can I request just a moment away? It’s of absolute importance to-“

“No. You can’t. If you keep putting this stuff off, you’ll be released from your job in no time. The Steering Committee already doesn’t like your opposition to them as is. I know it’s probably important to you, but you need to get everything else you’re concerned about down immediately.” The woman sighed, pushing up her glasses. “You’ve got a lot of kid’s dreams on your shoulders, Jin. Please, you can’t let them all down. With that, she turned on her heels and left, a hesitant Mikan following behind her to get back to class.

Defeated, Jin collapsed back into his chair, opening up the freshest new file covering a promising swimmer to be added into the coming year’s ranks. So much new talent, so much new possibilities. Oh, but then there was another, who seemed to be the epitome of moral upstanding. What brand new possibilities could he open up for the world…?

It wasn’t long before Len’s predicament had exited his head entirely.

***

“So…Mrs. Allbright. Where exactly are we going for our retreat?” I was sitting patiently in the car with my counselor, watching as we made our way from the outskirts of urban Japan, far from where any flights, trains, or ships could possibly be located. Wherever we were going, it wasn’t particularly my commonly held idea of where a retreat would usually be.

“Oh, my apologies, Len. I didn’t explain things properly, did I? Our retreat is going to actually be in a rural Japan setting, out in the countryside. I feel it would do you good to get you away from the more “hustle and bustle” areas, and large tourist sites that are more popular for retreats would have the selfsame problem in that respect that being in the city would have. Your Headmaster’s goal was to relieve the stress and day-to-day stimuli that could help contribute to any anxiety or terror that might remain inside you, so a more laid-back setting would suit us perfectly.” Francesca’s voice was smooth yet tightly clipped, as though she spoke as a professional speaker in her everyday conversations. There was a hint of an accent in her voice, but I couldn’t quite identify where she was from. I briefly wondered if she was some sort of public speaker or famous talk show counselor or something like that. She just had that aura of being completely professional, all the time.

“As a matter of fact, I’ve considered the idea of cutting off the majority of outside communication in general, for your own personal growth. I would never ask something like that if you weren’t comfortable, of course, but if you wanted to-“

“Ah, that’s not really necessary,” I blushed, feeling the back of my neck grow warm. “I don’t really even have any means of communications. I don’t have a cell phone or anything like that, and the only number I know is my dad’s and Rin’s anyways.”

“Oh.” Though unsure why, I felt a hint of satisfaction watching Francesca’s face blush slightly red. “My apologies. I did not mean to bring up any issues regarding home life or welfare. That was perhaps irresponsible of me.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine. Really.”

The rest of the car ride lingered in silence, until she finally slowed to turn into a driveway leading up to…

“Is this…farmland?” It certainly looked like it. Bright green pastures overtook the area, fenced off into small sections, though no animals were in sight. A small house was off to the side, with the main focus of the estate being a giant red building at the center, which even I could recognize was a barn.

“It is…of sorts. It’s been more or less abandoned at this point, but I’m allowed use of it for a portion of my project patients.” She motioned towards the barn. “If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to get set up straight away. You can get yourself acquainted with the barn, as that’s likely where we’ll spend the majority of our time.”

 _In the barn?_ Wouldn’t it make more sense to spend time in the open fields? I shook my head, a bit confused. Maybe she thought getting acquainted with the animals would help. 

Of course, opening the barn doors, I saw that simply wasn’t the case. The building was completely abandoned, with not a single living thing inside. Instead, there were a series of chairs scattered around the open building, with a screen slid down on one side of the barn. Would we be watching some sort of self-help video? I wandered over to the stalls, wondering briefly if there was any plausible use for them. Just as in the open area, no signs of life were visible in the stall I started at. By the side of the door was a stack of papers, with brief, sharp notes scrawled down the sides. Curious, I grabbed a sheet and allowed my eyes to wander down, casually scrolling the contents.

_Name: Yuri Hasune_

_Problem to Address: Consistenly shirking work responsibilities, resulting in $9 million losses for the institution. Immediate action required._

_Attempted methods: Workhorse exercises, shock punishment when attempting to sleep, reward of sleep after accomplishing given goals._

_Status: Productivity increased 200%. Minor complaints of familial loss and solitude, employers disregarded complaint. Regarded success, reduce visits to twice a year unless further instructed._

My blood went cold. 

Shaking, I went around the rest of the barn, assessing the sheets of paper lying net to the stalls. Kanade Toga, whose spouse thought she was cheating on him and who was forced to undergo “dedication therapy” as a result. Cori Andrews, who tried to leave the family business and run from home, and “lived as a servant” to remediate his selfish tendencies. The list went on. With a growing feeling of dread, I finally reached the last stall.

_Name: Len Kagamine_

_Problem to Address: Threatening to expose financial advocate for Hope’s Peak, refusing to take part in requested activities. Threat level and status requires swift and direct action._

_Attempted Methods: Sexual Education and conformity, dissociation of personal self from Ultimate self. Further methods TBA._

_Status: TBA_

“Ah, my apologies, Len.”

I hadn’t heard the barn door open. Francesca calmly walked in, as though preparing for a nice chat or a discussion about deep, personal feelings. Immediately, I took off, desperately trying to run around her to run through the only exit I potentially had. I didn’t expect her quick reactions, or the strength of her arm as it caught me by the throat, driving the air from it and throwing me back against the straw-covered floor.

“I thought I had gathered up the papers before we made our way here. I suppose I probably could have just accompanied you here anyways, then. Regardless, I suppose it’s only fair that you’re wondering what all of this is about, then.”

“Of course I am!” I could barely keep my voice from shaking, but I tried to put on as brave a façade as I could. “I…I didn’t do anything wrong! All I’ve been doing is trying my best as an Ultimate, and keeping myself who I need to be. What’s wrong about-“

Francesca tutted lightly, shaking her head. “Oh, Len. Of course you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I suppose this kind of mindset isn’t particularly natural to a new idol and Ultimate like you.”

I paused now, suddenly completely confused. I didn’t…think I was wrong?

“I mean, naturally, I understand your situation. When I started out working as the Ultimate Disciplinary, I thought I would be there to guide stray souls and make right out of all that was wrong. But the real world ended up being a little bit harsher than that.” She grimaced. “You see, a lot of people are given over to me to be given discipline, even if giving it isn’t strictly necessary or even if what they’re doing can be seen as sympathetic or even right. At times like those, I have to separate who I am as a person from who I am as an Ultimate. Like with you, for instance. Francesca Allbright wants nothing more than for Len Kagamine to be a happy, young boy who doesn’t have to do a single thing he doesn’t want to. But the Ultimate Disciplinary has to show the Ultimate Idol what his responsibilities are, as well as his restrictions. Do you get it a little, now?”

My stomach felt disgusting listening to her. “You’re saying…who I am and what I want as a person…has to be separate from who I am and what I want as the Ultimate Idol.”

Francesca waved her hand abashedly, looking away. “Oh, no, no. Not even that! Rather, you have to be open to not being yourself as the Ultimate Idol at times. It’s like…when you’re an Ultimate, you’re a tool to be used, not your own purpose. To that end, your duty supersedes your identity. Get it?”

“And having sex with whoever wants it…Hope’s Peak decided that was the duty of an Ultimate Idol?” I asked bitterly.

“Well, it’s not that Hope’s Peak decides it. It’s more that, when a reoccurring issue happens with particular students, the Committee above Hope’s Peak takes actions to discern if the student should simply be properly disciplined in preparation of that issue continuing to occur, for the school’s own image.”

So, it was a Committee, instead of just the headmaster. Suddenly, Mikan’s warning reverberated through my head, and I realized what Dr. Kirigiri was trying to do for me. I briefly wondered if he was even thinking about that, now that I was already gone. 

“That means it’s whoever gets caught up doing stuff they don’t want to, then? So how many students have you had to work with?”

“Oh, anyone who gets invested in that side of these kinds of industries, really.” Francesca said brazenly. “Take the Ultimate Exotic Dancer, for instance, Gackpo.”

 _Gackpo?_ I knew Gackpo was a higher up for one reason or another, but it had never occurred to me that he might have been an Ultimate. And Exotic Dancer…

“He was loathe to do anything sexual for so long in his career as a student, ironically enough given his talent. But as a matter of fact, that stubbornness made him one of my best pieces of work once I was finished! I’m sure you can attest to how effective he is now.”

I turned away, suddenly feeling incredibly, horribly ill.

“Len…you probably feel pretty powerless right now, don’t you?” I looked up to see Francesca peering down at me, with a ridiculous look of concern on her face given our current situation. “I do want you to know, however, that this feeling is only temporary.”

I laughed bitterly. “Oh, is it?”

“Of course! As an upcoming talent, you’re going to be routinely placed into positions where you’re the one bowing to someone more powerful than you. But the great thing about Hope’s Peak is, once you’re out, you become the one with all the power.” She reached down to touch my face, but I flinched away. “Look at Gackpo, for instance. In every relationship he has, he’s the one with every bit of power. And nobody can take that away from him now. When you grow up, out of Hope’s Peak, you’ll be the same. All the power, none of the subservience. It will just be a matter of-“

“I don’t want that!” I snapped, finally, throwing her hand aside and standing up to stare her in the eyes. “I don’t want to be ‘in power’, I don’t want to have my way with whoever I want. All I want to do is make music, and have fun, and just give other people who listen to my music a little more hope. That’s…that’s all I want.”

Francesca sighed, grimacing as she touched my shoulder. “That really is admirable, Len. That’s the kind of mindset that Headmaster Kirigiri loved so much…and I hope I can keep it intact.” 

She shoved me. Hard. I stumbled into the stall, slamming into the wall on the opposite side. I didn’t see where she grabbed the rope from, but when I was looking around later I would see the ropes hanging by the side of each stall door that matched my own. My wrists were tied behind my back before I even realized, and I could do little aside from kick and struggle as she did the same to my ankles and looping the rope around a metal ring on the side of the stall, practically immobilizing me.

“I do have to get some things ready, still, so please be patient for a while. And, Len, do realize that we have the entire week to get this done, but it will go much easier if you just listen to what I have to say. I don’t want this to be painful for you, but I do have to get this done per the Committee’s orders.”

And with that, she was turning on her heels, making her way out of the barn. I screamed, desperate.

“Wait! Francesca, please, let me go! Don’t do this, please!” I felt myself slip and tumble into the straw, which bent my legs awkwardly and painfully, but I still kept screaming. “You’re scaring me, please don’t go! I can’t…I don’t-“ I gasped for breath, suddenly realizing I was hyperventilating. Drawing in one deep breath, I screamed the full breadth of my despair, and my last hope.

“Someone, HEEEEEEEELP!”

Of course, there was no response.


	8. Identity Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As it turns out, Len's counselor has different plans for correcting his current situation than Len does, among them being "sexual education" and "mental redirection." And if those plans aren't enough...

My legs were being spread far apart, each one tied off separately to an opposing ring latched to each side of the stable I had been trapped in. My arms had been tightly secured to my back, a long bandage wrapping them together and around my torso to keep me from fighting. The end of the bandage was secured to the beam above me, allowing me to be suspended awkwardly with my butt turned up into the air. Francesca had secured a horse’s bit into my mouth to keep me relatively quiet now, and the edges tore at the sides of my mouth as she worked now. It wasn’t the first type of gag she we had worked on; the entire first day of my “training” was dedicated to exploring the uses of various types of gags and what I would have to expect from them if someone was to use them on me for “kinky purposes”. It was an easy first step, and had the added benefit of keeping me consistently silent as she continued to try to break me in.

“This is what we call ‘anal beading’, Ultimate Idol.” She said as she moved our next toy into position. Along with this humiliatingly practical method of “sexual education”, she had opted to call me by my Ultimate title throughout the entirety of the education experience. 

“If you’re going to survive in this world, you have to dissociate ‘Len Kagamine’ from the ‘Ultimate Idol’” she had insisted. “One of you is a person with dreams and aspirations with which to use your talent to spread hope. The other is a tool for the people of this world to fulfill their own desires and dreams, and nothing more. You must understand the difference between the two, and practically apply it to your own experiences.” That sounded a lot like she was just trying to get me to dehumanize myself. This was a part of the mental refocusing she was going to have me undergo, which also took up its own eight hour time slot for our instruction. As a whole, I would be receiving eight total hours of sexual education, eight hours of mental refocusing, and eight hours of actual rest. I was required to be well rested for my own health, after all. My own health and well being was the entire point of this program.

“Just breathe slowly and allow the stretching to occur,” she was now saying as she shoved the first bead in. I gasped, but was shocked to feel a lack of pain at the start. Maybe this wasn’t so-

“And now, the second.” I groaned behind the gag again as she pressed a much larger ball into my opening, pushing the first deeper in. Now I could understand the problems with this particular toy. “Now, I know this will feel uncomfortable, but some of the toys you might experience will have this feature included as well.” I heard a sobering click, a hum, and then-

They vibrated?

I tossed my head back, my voice caught between a moan and a whine as the vibrations shook through my prostrate. “Wow, Len, that’s a great noise to make. You should remember to keep that, once we’ve gone through everything.” Saying this, she continued shoving the toy in, and I shuddered as I realized there were still several beads left to go. Noticing the movement, she made a placating gesture towards me.

“We’re not going to be going all the way with these toys, Len, both out of necessity and for your own safety. In a practical setting, whoever you’re working with may put just a little bit more pressure on you than I will, but it won’t be much. There aren’t actually many people who want to hurt you when making love, per se.”

“How comforting,” I tried to mumble past the gag, but it came out more as “Hagh cmfmfmf.” She ignored the comment.

“Now, I will leave this in for a little bit as it can have a similar function to a vibrator or plug, and so may stay inside you for a longer period of time. Since we’re moving away from that, we can go ahead and talk about testicular toys. Similar to the anal vibrators, we have both rings and strapped vibrators that attach at the base and can be moved according to the desired area of focus.” Saying this, she grabbed me and slipped something around the base of my dick, which tightened around it uncomfortably. “The rings also have an added benefit of constricting the base, as well as the flow of semen, making it much more difficult for you to ejaculate. Just in case, some may add a sort of plug at your tip in order to completely avoid the possibility of ejaculation.”

This was followed by an uncomfortable pain as she slowly inserted a thing…object into the head of my penis, completely shutting off any possible flow I may have wanted. “This amount of stimulation and lack of release combined can be very popular among those in the BDSM group, so it’s likely best to be prepared, especially if you’ve been accosted. You never know who you might run into, after all. Speaking of which,” she ducked down, and came up with a pair of clamps and a chain. “This might be if they want even more stimulation from you.” She reached forward, squeezing my nipples hard as she attached a clamp to each. I groaned in pain as the pressure built in those areas, and yet there was another feeling there too…

“And now for the vibrations…” the ring at the base of my dick started vibrating, and I screamed behind the gag. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t thrash around, and I felt completely powerless as the many points of stimulation all assaulted me. This was complete agony. “I’ll leave you some time to get acquainted, and prepare you for our second session today. So long!”

And so I was left there for the next hour and a half. My muscles in my arms and legs started cramping from the forced suspension. My butt was sore, and I was beginning to have to go to the bathroom. My dick was absolutely erect within just a few minutes, and I couldn’t do anything as I tried so hard to release, only for the tight compression and plug to keep even a single drop from escaping from me. At several points I blacked out, only for the stimulation to ride over me again, waking me up to a new fresh dread of waiting for it all to be too much again. I began bouncing hopelessly in my suspended position, trying to get anything to go free; most desirably, the plug keeping me from releasing. I could hear my own voice turn from angered and controlled to desperate and gasping as I bounced up and down, tearfully begging for the damned torture to relieve itself at some point. It was scary how quickly I stopped wanting to be let go, my focus instead shifting to wanting to just be allowed to ejaculate. 

“Now, now, Len. Your clients aren’t going to be impressed by you fighting it.” Francesca was back, finally, and I moaned behind the gag for her to let me just get off already. Tilting her head, she leaned forward and unclasped the bit from behind my head, finally allowing free speech. Slowly, almost teasingly, she removed the plug from the head of my penis, and I screamed as I was finally allowed to shoot off thick streams of cum over the floor. I tried to talk as my mind slowly recovered, and the words all rushed out as she removed the toys and clamps.

“Please, please, Francesca, let me out. I’m sore, and I’m tired, and I need to go to the bathroom. I don’t want to do this anymore, can’t you just…please?”

My heart dropped as Francesca groaned in frustration, leaning back against the stable wall. “Oh, come on. Why do you have to do this kind of stuff? I swear, your whining and begging is going to set us back at least a few weeks at this rate.”

“My…what?”

“You act like you’re like, either a little child or a woman. Begging and crying like people want to see that emotion from you. You think when you get with a client they’ll want to see someone begging to be let go or to stop, especially if they know they’re doing it with a guy? People only want to hear you moan or whine when they do something specific to make you do that, not during the entire experience. Hell, even the people who are supposed to be into this kink stuff don’t always listen to the people they work with.”

My mind was blank at her newest tirade. _What…exactly was she saying?_

“Although, I guess I should have expected behavior like this when I heard about the nature of your complaints. Being all whiny to your friends about it, but not confronting it privately and making a big scene about it. Nobody really taught you how to man up, did they?”

I was so confused, I couldn’t even properly respond. “I…what?”

Francesca leaned over the stable wall, cutting the ropes suspending my legs. I fell roughly against the barn floor. 

  
“Listen, Len.” Len. So she was addressing me as a person, now, and not as a tool. “When you’re a guy, people expect certain behaviors from you. When you’re confronted, you gotta have a backbone. When you’re in a rough spot, you gotta ride it through because you’re expected to be strong. And never, ever, do you show emotional vulnerability. When you cry, and beg, and all that stuff, you make yourself a target, and you show people that there’s something wrong with your status as a man. I mean, I know you probably wouldn’t even be here if you just managed your emotions more and manned up a bit, you know?” 

  
“No…”I said it, but I couldn’t deny the hint of truth I found in her words. If I had to think hard about the struggles I had in regards to my Ultimate Idol career, being seen as someone really feminine and weak would be a base cause for…way too many of them.

“Uh-huh. Real convincing lie you have there.” Leaning off to the side, she scribbled down on the papers she had for my treatment. “Okay, new method. Whining and crying is an extra punishment of being forced to wear dresses and skirts, and being referred to as female. If you act like a girl, I’ll treat you like a girl. We’ll allow the first offense.” I groaned and rolled over on my side, doing my best to allow myself a momentary bit of respite.

As much as I hated sexual education, mental refocusing was worse. As I lay tied up against the stall door, I was forced to respond to situations that she gave me how I would in the real world if they actually happened. The goal was to solidify two different selves, the ultimate and personal. If I responded to a certain situation the wrong way…

“No, Ultimate Idol. You have to make this distinction; if you’re approached as the position of Ultimate Idol, you do not have the choice of turning them down unless you’re in the dominant part of the dynamic.”

_Crack_

The belt stung the lower portion of my back, leaving a red mark but no bruising. No lasting physical damages could be done, as they might hint to people back at home what was going on during our retreat.

I grit my teeth and bore it. I learned fairly quickly that crying out was meant to be under “acting like a girl”, which resulted in being dressed in a girly outfit and called “little girl” or “miss” by my counselor. Punishments and rewards seemed to be her method of work, though I rarely saw much of the latter until later into the next-to-last day. By that point, I had managed to control my vocalizations and sounds whenever she worked with me, keeping my obtrusions to the bare minimum while I correctly answered questions that stripped my of my free will, to only act as a plaything for people over me in power dynamics.

“Congrats, Len. You’re getting this mental dissociation stuff down pat.” I smiled wearily at the praise. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, the Ultimate Disciplinary was right in a certain regard. When I saw myself as two people- an Ultimate Idol to be used as a tool, and Len to be an actual person- it was a lot easier to take the things I had to do. It let myself distance myself from the fact that I didn’t really want to do anything here, and just…let it happen. And besides, not doing that meant I got whipped, and I wanted to avoid that at all costs.

“So, I think as a reward, you get some time outside today. My only rule is that you can’t try to leave the farm perimeters. If you do, I’ll have to punish you even more harshly.” I looked at her curiously, completely bewildered at what she was suggesting.

“You’re telling me my reward is…fresh air and free time?” 

“Well, it is the only thing I can really do given our current setup. I can’t trust you outside farm grounds yet, but you are deserving of some fresh air and exercise.”

I groaned, and would have slapped my hands against my head if I had free movement of them. “Couldn’t you just, like…cut the trip short as a form of reward? I’d appreciate that a lot more.”

“Now, Len, you know that’s not reasonable. We still need to assess your full compatibility with my program, and your family and friends expect you away for the exact amount of time listed. When we get more disciplined and get more acquainted with what can constitute likes and dislikes, the rewards can get more personal. But for now, I’m allowing you unrestrained access to be whoever you want to be, do whatever you want to do, and say whatever you want to say. That’s my reward.”

Suddenly, that didn’t sound like such a bad thing at all.

I didn’t expect it, but running around the farm grounds was possibly the happiest moment of my life at that point. The spring air was beautiful and fresh, and I for once was able to be fully clothed in my own clothing, unrestricted and free. I was still trapped here for the rest of the week, but that wasn’t going to change regardless, and this was the only opportunity I was possibly going to have to let some steam out. Maybe it’s a little weird for someone who’s technically been kidnapped to run around whooping and turning cartwheels in the middle of their temporary prison, but at this point I couldn’t care less. Francesca sat beside me after I was done running around, and was simply taking in the open air. 

“I have to say, you’ve come along pretty nicely in the past few days. We may have an Ultimate lying deep down in there yet, at this rate.”

I nodded my thanks, opting to keep quiet.

“As a matter of fact, I honestly didn’t expect you to progress this far that quickly. At this rate, you may become my fastest learned student yet! Honestly, I’m not sure if changing your behavior this quickly is even healthy for you.”

I shrugged my shoulders, trying to deflect. “It’s not that bad, honestly. Like you said, it’s easier on me mentally if I just dissociate, and that’s an easy enough thing to do on a temporary basis, anyways.”

I didn’t realize what I was saying until it was out of my mouth.

“A…temporary basis?”

I turned to see immense disappointment in the Ultimate Discplinary’s face. “Oh, Len. Oh, Len, don’t tell me that. Please tell me you’re actually planning on following everything you’ve learned since you got here.”

My face was terrible at helping me lie. “Absolutely, Francesca. I wouldn’t dream of keeping myself from dissociating when it helps me-“

“Look me in the eyes, Len.” I followed her instructions, hesitantly meeting her sharp gaze. “Tell me, right now, that you completely intend to be whatever anyone tells you to be as an idol, and that intend to bear it all after growing during the retreat.”

“I…” my gaze faltered.

“Oh, Len. I understand your dilemma, I really do. But you can’t do this to yourself. If I’m going to report back to the committee, I need to know you’re going to progress and not make this a bigger issue than it needs to be.”

She huffed, then shook her head, taking out a notepad. “I had to do this with Gackpo, too, but I’d hoped given your personality that you’d be a little less of a load. If you hadn’t been spending all day today just saying what I wanted to hear instead of actually believing it, this may not have even been necessary.”

And so free time out in the sun was cut short. I was dragged back into the barn and sat down in front of the screen I had noticed at the beginning of the retreat. I was bound to one of the chairs to keep myself in place during the movie, silenced with a few strips of cloth tied around my head to keep the screening room silent and to keep me from making noise that would drown out the movie. Finally, a strange device was secured over my eyes and attached to the chair, keeping my head in place.

“This device will keep you from just shutting your eyes through the entire film or going to sleep.” The Ultimate Disciplinary explained. “You will be allowed to blink, but any closing of the eye deemed longer than necessary will result in a shock to keep you alert. The shock will be continuous, so I advise against riding it out. If you complain, I will give you one of the toys we’ve discussed so far as punishment. Twenty-four hours.”

I grumbled in displeasure behind the cloth, and was rewarded with her pulling my pants part of the way down and attaching the vibrating ring back to me. I had to bite down on the inside of my cheek hard to keep from yelping when she turned it on. Apparently even the slightest of disagreements was grounds for this punishment. Without another word, she started the movie. An old man, fat and miserable looking, stood at the forefront as he motioned towards a bunch of stiff and blank-stared high school students.

“Your status as an Ultimate always takes priority over your status as a human. The world requires your talent, your sacrifice, and no convictions you have prior to being admitted must be allowed to stand in the way of this duty…” 

The movie went on and on, and even repeated once it finished the first time. I wasn’t allowed to move my head to see if there was even a clock to show how long had passed. It already felt like hours. The ring wasn’t helping the state of discomfort, as I could already feel myself leaking out against my will. I couldn’t focus on that or else I’d go insane, so I just watched the movie and tried to force the feeling to go away.

“..and as an Ultimate, your personal interests and hobbies are no longer a necessary part of the equation when interacting with relevant…”

Maybe I would just go insane either way.

I didn’t know what I felt when the movie finally ended and the screen went dark. Or rather, I didn’t know if I really felt. Was the person tied against a chair, dick painfully throbbing against a forced restraint and unable to turn himself away from this agony Len, or the Ultimate Idol? I was here to please Hope’s Peak, so the answer was the latter, right? The Ultimate Disciplinary walked calmly over to my chair, inspecting my current situation.

“Ultimate Idol, how are you holding up?” The ropes around my arms fell by my side, and the cloth around my mouth fell away, followed by the restraint locking my head in place. The Ultimate Idol looked up, eyes feeling sore, distant, and unfocused. 

“I’m fine. Thank you for being patient with me, Ultimate Disciplinary.” My counselor smiled. 

“You seem to be in a bit of trouble with that device. Is it all right if I give you help with that?”

The Ultimate Idol bowed his head. “Do whatever you feel is best.”

Because it’s the climax, the person acting as the tool is probably expected to moan or do something that sounds pleasurable, so when she relaxed the ring, the Ultimate Idol did exactly that, gasping and groaning softly as he let himself release through the still-running vibrations. The Ultimate Disciplinary patted his head. 

“Excellent work.”

***

The car pulled up to Hope’s Peak Academy’s visitor parking, and I hopped out to grab my luggage.

I felt miserable, filthy, and soiled after the week’s work, but it wouldn’t do for me to cry about it. After all, since I’m a guy I’m not supposed to cry about that stuff anyways, and it just inconveniences people if I talk about my life in that sort of way even if they don’t say so. Not to mention, Francesca informed me that she’s going to have someone keep watch over me until our next meeting to make sure I’m adjusting considerably.

I’m already knowledgeable enough to realize that means that if I step out of line or tell someone, there will be major consequences. 

“Have a wonderful weekend, Len! I scheduled our next meeting to be the weekend after next, so be sure to come prepared and ready to learn.” Saying this, she leaned in for a hug, and I tried my best not to vomit at her suddenly trying to display affection. 

“I really do care about your well-being and health, Len.” She whispered softly. “I wish I didn’t have to take this course of action with you, but I’m glad you’re settling in and adapting regardless. I hope you realize that Francesca Allbright never wanted to hurt you in any way.”

It was a struggle not to laugh in her face. This woman was a complete psychopath.

I barely made my way from the parking lot before I was hug-tackled by Rin. How long had she been waiting?

“There you are, Len! Geez, you took a while to get back, I thought you’d be here around the time Hope’s Peak let out. But never mind that. How was the trip? Did you two talk? What all happened, or am I not supposed to ask?”

For a brief moment, I looked at Rin and had a rush of complete emotion, from gratitude towards Rin’s concern to complete horror at what happened to me this past week. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and run away. I wanted to break down and yell out every nasty thing that happened.

 _An Ultimate does not complain. An Ultimate works through the bad with a smile, and bears the weight of their talent on their shoulders. A man bears all his emotion and deals with situations on his own._ It was like a switch in my brain that I couldn’t fight against. All of a sudden, saying the truth was caught up in the bondage, in the degradation, in the day-long movie torture, and it's making me sick even thinking about telling Rin what happened, or anyone. And that movie was right. When I’m an Ultimate, I have no free will, and to drag my life as an Ultimate into my personal life would be beyond selfish.

I smiled, bowing my head happily to Rin. “I can’t really discuss the whole thing, since a lot is kinda confidential. But I had a really great time! And I can’t wait to go back again, Francesca is excellent at her job.”

Rin beamed at me. “Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m glad to hear things are finally beginning to look up! Oh, but still tell me if anything wrong happens, though, okay? I would be super happy to help.”

And so the two of us walked home, happily chatting about upcoming songs (Rin complained about how behind we were on “Influencer is Dead” before stopping and apologizing, since it was technically my fault we were behind) and future plans regarding the songs we were going to sing together. I managed to smile the entire time, all the way up until she left me at the door of my house. 

Thankfully, my dad didn’t know that I knew where his alcohol stash had been. I had never really felt I needed or wanted it until today. And when he got home to see me completely passed out, he just assumed I had an exhausting day. Since he was trying to wean off the stuff, he didn’t notice that a few were missing.

But man, I had one hell of a headache come Saturday morning.


	9. Spilled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his therapeutic retreat, Len needs to reaccustom himself to life at the Academy and as an Idol. Some coping methods are positive, others...not so much.

I arrived to class the next morning to find a complete stranger standing in the middle of the classroom, excitedly rambling about something or other with my fellow classmates. The stranger was a high school boy with brown hair and eyes, and a wild hairdo that spiked straight up at the front of his head. I could tell from his stance and movements that he was wildly nervous talking in the middle of the room the way he was, but my classmates were handling it well enough, although they all also looked just slightly uncomfortable.

“And then you’re Gundam Tanaka, the guy who can tame any animal he comes across! How exactly do you do it? Is it methods you have, or is it just something sort of instinctual…?”

My dark-haired classmate smirked, looking off to the side. “A mere mortal like you would not understand the series of rituals required to bond to another living creature in the way someone like I can. And yet…there is a certain truth in what you say. One might surmise that the souls of my compatriots and I were always destined to be bound in eternal darkness together.”

In other words, a little bit of both. Sonia positively fawned over the Ultimate Breeder, as she was wont to do when he waxed poetic. “Wow, Gundam! That demeanor and the relationship you have with your animal friends is so…so commendable!” I noticed Kazuichi sulk in the corner as Gundam flushed at her praise. 

“Yes, well…”

I coughed slightly, half to relieve focus from Gundam and half to introduce myself to the person I saw in front of me. My classmates turned, and Sonia grinned broadly. 

“Greetings, Len! I trust your time of retreatment was fully beneficial to you?” She walked up to me and embraced my hands happily, which threw me off-kilter a little. As kind and heartfelt as she was, I wasn’t really used to Sonia as a figure. Call it a personal grudge, but I didn’t feel like my upbringing really bred me to feel compatible with a high-born princess like her, regardless of how much power she actually wielded. 

“Ah,well…” The kid in the center of the room turned to look at me, and his eyes could have burst out of their sockets with how wide they got.

“Oh, you’re Len Kagamine, right?” He bounded forward with an uncomfortable energy, bowing his torso at nearly a full ninety-degree angle. “Please forgive me for what happened when we first met! I didn’t realize you were suffering from a concussion. I hope I didn’t cause you any inconvenience.”

That awoke a hazy memory inside me. That whole time period was blurry, but I did remember a kid bursting into our dimly lit room, shouting at the top of his lungs.

“…Hinata, right? Hajime?” The high schooler beamed at me as he bowed again, this time in apparent gratitude. 

“Yes, sir! Thank you for remembering!” _Sir…wasn’t this guy older than I was?_ If he was in the Reserve Course, he had to be, since I was at least a year younger than everyone else here. 

“And about last time…” What was I supposed to say in that moment? That his intrusion had basically started a chain reaction that got me tortured for a week? Even if I wanted to say that, it would have been inappropriate. I just smiled and bowed instead. “Don’t worry about it. Everything worked out just fine.”

As I learned later on, after the incident regarding our first meeting Hajime had ended up becoming sort of the “normal friend” of class 77-B. Nearly everyone in the class was strapped for someone normal to talk to, and Hajime excelled at fawning over nearly every impressive thing the Ultimates could find to talk about. He was absolutely over the moon just hearing about how Rin and I devised our musical talents and song ideas, and about how the creative process of song making went down with us.

“But like…it’s all stuff you make up, then? You’re able to completely make all those stories and ideas out of thin air?”

“Well, yeah. Rin and I are lucky, since we bounce off each other really well. If it was just me making the songs, I’d struggle for content a lot more. With us working together, it’s a lot more fluid and we work off each other well.” Another memory popped into my head, and I spun around to address my classmates again. “That reminds me, actually. Since we’re actually starting up recording for our new music video, today would be a perfect day for you guys to come down and be extras. No pressure if you don’t want to, but I think it’d be really fun.” The positive response I received from my classmates seemed weighted towards them wanting to, but as I turned towards Hajime, his eyes seemed suddenly downcast. “You can come along too, if you want.”

“Wh-wh-wha? I…er, that is…” The first class bell rang, and the boy shot straight up. “Sorry! I’m late for class! …Bye!”

I couldn’t help thinking what a strange kid he was as he took off down the hall. He didn't end up showing up to the recording session, but everyone had a blast regardless. Akane and Ibuki showed off some wild dance moves, and Hiyoko even managed to shine pretty well in a modern setting. And everyone absolutely fawned over Rin, which I completely expected, to the point that they didn't notice when I clocked out early to go home and waste myself.

Hajime was due to be a recurring presence before and after class among the group. Everyone seemed to like him well enough…perhaps bar Hiyoko. And, to be truthful, I didn’t mind him either. He was a relatively sane kid among the group, and he seemed so genuinely passionate about the different talents and abilities we all had. Honestly, it was almost like he was obsessed with the idea of talent itself.

Granted, being a reserve course student, that idea did sort of make sense.

With a new presence in school life came another series of the world’s cycles. Class remained a not-uninteresting part of life, and I spent a lot of time researching music and fine arts alongside Ibuki and Hiyoko for our more personalized talent training. Ibuki excelled at the technical talents regarding music such as theory, which I sort of expected, but I wasn’t terribly far off. Meanwhile, Hiyoko excelled at music history, and I had a lot of fun with production-based studies centered around what actually happens on-stage. I almost hated to say it, but it was kind of a blast studying with the two of them.

Outside of the class, my manager was pleasantly surprised by my new attitude at work. I didn’t object to any of his ideas at all, instead plainly writing music to the song ideas and lyrics he provided without so much as an argument. Sometimes I would offer up a change or two to what he gave in order to have it flow easier or roll off the tongue better, but all in all there was never any trouble between us. On every other weekend, I would travel out with Francesca and we would have another retreat where she would update my progress and continue her education as we saw fit. After the first weekend, she saw no use for me to be restrained, which allowed me much greater freedom and made the retreats slightly less terrible.

Weekends without the retreat were the worst. I thought they would be freeing, since I didn’t have to go through what felt like torture, but being alone at home while my dad worked with nothing more than just Yu and my thoughts was miserable. But hey, at least I had found a new way to keep myself from going insane. Alcohol was my new best friend on those weekends, and whenever the choice came up to spend time with friends or just go numb for the day, the latter won out easily. But the stash dad had kept was growing steadily smaller, and it wasn’t many months before the only thing keeping me from getting blackout drunk the moment I got up was the necessity of making sure Yu was taken care of before I went at it. Honestly, I was surprised I was able to keep the pattern up as long as I did.

“…Len?” The worried tone of my father’s voice sunk my heart. I wandered around the doorframe that “separated” the kitchen from the sleeping area to see my dad hunkered over the cabinet where his stash was kept. 

“Hey, bud. I…wanted to ask you. You know what happened to the…stuff under the cabinet?” He didn’t like saying the word “alcohol” when Yu was around.

I could feel my heart racing and skin flushing in time with my pounding head. My eyes immediately shot down to the floor, and my mind raced for an excuse.

“I…threw them out…”

“You…what?” Thankfully, his voice sounded more confused than angry.

“I mean, I…sold them.” That sounded like a better answer. “I knew you didn’t want them, really, and I didn’t want you to go back to drinking if you slipped, so I’ve been…selling them…bit by bit. I was hoping by the time you noticed, they’d all be gone.”

Silence. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster as both fear and shame crept into me. I was used to lying by now, but this felt like a whole other level. Like, knowing my dad and what we’d been through made it so much more personal than all the other stuff I had been lying about so far. 

So, when my dad reached in for a hug, emotionally smoothing my hair down like he used to when I was a kid, it took all of my training to keep myself from bawling like a three year old. 

“Len. I’m…so happy you’re that concerned for me. I don’t think I’ll ever be that way with you and…Yu, again, but if you’re concerned…” There were three bottles left in the cabinet, and he removed them all with a gracious look on his face. “We’ll go ahead and get rid of the rest.”

It didn’t take much to get me drunk, at least at this stage. Usually, about half a bottle would have me out for the weekend. But when I drank any from the bottle, I would have to hide it or risk my dad finding a suspiciously half-empty bottle in the cabinet if he looked. Right now, there was a half-full bottle behind the house, buried in a specific location behind a bunch of rubble and trash that I used as my own secret stash. Together with what my dad was throwing out, I would have been able to last at least another few months. It disgusted me how pained I felt as he threw the bottles out to the curve, joyously watching them shatter and drain out on the street.

“…Actually, we should probably clean up the glass, huh?” He bent down to gather the glass up, and I moved over to the other end of the street to gather up the farther shards. He laughed fondly. “I guess I should have thought about safety before I did that. I just wanted to be rid of the stuff, you know? But we can’t have Yu running around here and getting cut on these broken bottles.” I smiled in appreciation for his resolve, but it was hard not to feel embittered as I collected the pieces of my one mode of keeping sane on these weekends. Distracted, I sort of scrambled my hand along the sidewalk to find more shards.

“Ah!” I gasped as an invisible glass shard sliced through my hand, breaking skin and alighting a sensation that travelled down to my very core. I instinctively dropped the shard, which inevitably shattered into several more shards, increasing my work load. Fascinating.

“Oh, Len! Please, be careful.” Dad was at my side before I knew it, grabbing my hand and inspecting it closely. “Geez, how did that even…that’s a deep cut, looks like. Come on it, let’s get it washed up.”

Cleaning and bandaging the wound was no trouble. Yu and I were basically masters of disasters when we were kids, so I could at least profess my dad had some expert experience in regards to keeping cuts and scrapes sterile and manageable. He patted my hand lightly as he tied off the fabric that kept pressure on the wound. “I’ll take care of the rest of the shards. You just sit there and relax, kiddo. Don’t want you getting yourself cut again.” He turned his back, making his way back on the streets to pick up the last remaining shards, as I simply stared at my hand, blankly.

***

  
The final months of the school year crept up before I had the chance to realize it. Summer was only a few months away, and with it a heavy amount of free time for me…which was honestly completely terrifying, given the twin possibilities of being given more time with Francesca and more time alone with my own thoughts. In the meantime, Hope’s Peak had sent out two different assignments for our class to partake in; first, we were to introduce ourselves to the upcoming first years. Second, we were to prepare for the year’s “skill check”, where we would be given an assignment from the Academy related to our talent. For instance, someone like Sonia was meant to present at a mock international meeting to discuss national policies and relationships, while someone like Akane would be performing intense gymnastic routines. As for me, I was given an assignment for a live concert, complete with guidelines for venue setup, song choices, the whole nine yards. And I had to be behind most, if not all of the planning and outlining of the concert. 

That was the best news I had gotten all year.

The meet and greet with Class 78th came first. The meeting was over the weekend, which was already a red flag for me. I had to take care of Yu all through the morning, which meant I didn’t have time to take care of my other ritual. In fact, I had to put him to bed early in order to even make the meeting. But the group was…admittedly interesting. I definitely felt mildly awkward around some of the more intense personalities, while other classmates of mine fit right in. I noticed Akane partying with two girls in a more lively manner than I had ever seen her; one of the girls was cute, but strongly built and very obviously athletic. The other one was practically a giantess, and I felt a sort of innate fear initially beholding her. After talking for a while, I was quick to realize that she was just as nice as Nekomaru was. But there was one girl who caught my attention more than the others. I needed to talk to her, to see if she was, in some way, like me.

“Hey, you’re Sayaka Maizono, right?” The blue-haired star turned from her conversation with an annoyed-looking redhead, her eyes looking like a mixed between confused and terrified.

“Oh, you’re…Len Kagamine, right?” The tone of her voice was slightly less than friendly.

“…yeah. I’m the Ultimate male Idol, and I presume they gave you the title of Ultimate Female Idol?” 

She nodded. “Yeah. I guess that makes us…rivals? Or friends? I don’t really know how the whole system works here, actually.”

I did my best to laugh wholeheartedly. “Well, as far as I know, there’s not really a system of competition here. And besides, we probably have different fan bases and experiences in the field regardless.” Her reaction to that sentence aroused my suspicions, with a slight blush and turning of her head. I reached. “I mean, in a certain respect, at least. All idols have a little bit of the same old tragedy going on behind them, yeah?

“Tragedy?” Sayaka’s voice didn’t sound affronted, which bolstered my confidence a bit. It sounded more…hopeful. Confiding. “What kind of tragedy would you mean?”

I waved my hand, attempting to be nonchalant. “Oh, you know. It’s like a lot of people in the industry say. It’s hard to be an idol just based off pure talent. Most of the time, you have to do things you’d rather not do, right? You think some of my first hits were made because I wanted to sing them? Or that I did those first photo shoots because I love looking skeevy?”

There it was again. The blush and turning away, just like before. As she turned to find someone else to talk to, impulse seized me. I lunged forward, trying my best to be careful and open, rather than aggressive towards her as I leaned in towards her ear. 

“Just so you know, it’s best to keep that stuff to yourself in a place like this. I understand what’s going on, but everyone else? They’re just going to expect you to push through, and do what needs to be done. Don’t rely on someone else to take care of that stuff when you get in here, or you’ll regret it. Trust me on that.” 

I don’t know why I said it, or why I didn’t respond when she called out after me. Did I just want to warn her? Or was this another way my mind was trying to get my to project all the bitterness that was beginning to build up? All of a sudden, I felt like I really wanted out of the meet and greet. But that didn’t stop a hand from grabbing my sleeve, pulling me back. I reacted before I heard the world around me.

“Hey, wait, fucking second-year. She’s asking you to hold up!”

“Hey, Mondo, wait! With Len, that’s not a good idea!”

“Len! I’m asking you to-“

None of that registered with me before I grabbed up at the hand catching me, twisting it sharply as I pulled myself away from the grip. I could hear fabric tear. 

Shit. There was no way I could show off my arm right now.

Instinctively, I reached up and covered my arm, turning and landing roughly on my side to block it. I turned to stare up at an incoming first year with a giant head of orange-brown hair, looking at me with an expression of shock on his face. Conversation was still going on in other sections of the room, but it felt like everything had become deathly still.

 _It’s all over._ I thought to myself, panicked. _Word’s going to get out, and Francesca’s going to know I reacted like that again. I’m going to have to start all over from the beginning._ Feeling myself begin to hyperventilate, I shifted my gaze to stare him in the eyes, still covering my torn shirt. Maybe if he saw what was there, he'd at least think twice before making a scene of it.

I didn’t expect the fierce grin covering his face. “Shit, man, you’re all right! I thought lookin’ at ya, there was no way you’d do anything to defend yourself. You musta got a bigger pair on you that I thought! Tell me, where did you grow up, eh? Got a rougher part of town you come from?”

“Er, Mondo, that’s enough.” Nekomaru said placatingly. "Len’s got somewhere he’s got to be, right?” I silently thanked Nekomaru for the out, and nodded to Mondo. 

“I’d be happy to talk sometime later, but for now I really have to go to the recording studios. It was nice to meet everyone, though!” Continuing to hold my arm, I rushed out as everyone waved goodbye, silently praising the fact that I actually did have shooting for a new song my manager had brought up. I would be an hour early, but that would be totally fine.

I didn’t notice the steely pair of eyes following me, or the pink-haired girl at the front of the room smiling broadly as she scribbled in a notebook towards my retreating back.

***

I grimaced at the costume for today. It was a black sleeveless and collared shirt with semi-tight shorts along with a series of belts to strap around my waist, which wasn’t exactly my worst costume change at this point. But with my current situation as it was, and the makeup department not particularly prepared, I didn’t really have a good idea of what to do. I found myself wandering around the accessories closet, hoping I could find something before the crew got there. Gratefully, my patience was rewarded as I retrieved a pair of black detached sleeves from the closet, which fit perfectly around my elbows. Taking a glance in the mirror, I was shocked to see that it actually looked…kinda trendy. Maybe this was a combination meant to be.

“Len, are you ready? It’s time for hair and-“ my stylist opened the door without knocking, which was a bad habit of hers. Thankfully, this time I was already fully dressed, making her smile gratefully.

“Oh, thank goodness. Sorry, I keep forgetting. Anyways, it’s time to get you all set up and-“ she glanced down at my arm and smiled appreciatively. “Spicing things up with your own fashion takes, hmmm? I have to say, the addition looks nice, even if it’s not much. I’m sure they’ll love it.”

The hair and makeup for today made a different choice than usual. I was accustomed to my normally spiky hair, but today they flattened out, smoothing my hair into bangs that swept over my eyes. I didn’t realize how thick and long my hair had gotten until the stylist gathered a small handful of it and the back and made a tiny ponytail out of it.

“Ooooh, that looks so handsome.” She squealed as I smiled embarrassedly. She acted somewhat like an old grandma when she got to work with me, piling me with compliments and stroking my hair as she worked on it. At any given moment I almost expected her to pinch my cheeks. It was perhaps an odd relationship, but it was one of very few positive ones I had at the studio, so I enjoyed it regardless. “I can’t believe you haven’t gotten yourself a significant other at this rate. I swear, you work too hard as an idol and as a student. I try to tell everyone you need more free time, but all I get is eye rolls and back talk these days.”

She was definitely like an old grandma. And maybe I minded sometimes. It wasn’t that I didn’t think about dating, it was just…with my whole situation, it didn’t feel like something I was comfortable with. Like, who would want to date someone who’s being trained to be more intimate with strangers than he would feel comfortable being with you?

My manager whistled appreciatively as I entered into the recording studio, giving me a thumbs up as I passed. I ignored him, but flushed as I saw three different women, all in scantily clad clothing, waiting for me in the recording area. I had expected as much, of course. The song I was playing a music video for was called “Sacred Spear Explosion Boy” which, given my history, left little to the imagination. Thankfully, now that I was beginning to accept the actual content of the songs more, I was also working to make them a bit more my own. The beat and music was a bit more stylized towards “catchy” than “sexual”, and so I could work with the movements in the video to be more rhythmic than uncomfortable. Not to say there wasn’t a hint of sexuality, but I would certainly call it more controlled than what it used to be.

“All right, Luka. Just lean into Len, and keep that smile wide and expecting. Len, get right in that hair, twirl it in your fingers, bite it…yes, perfect!” Was biting hair a turn on for some people? I didn’t understand it.

We got my scenes with the actresses out of the way first, since they weren’t being paid overtime. After that, it was time for my solo scenes, which were more dancing oriented. The actresses danced too, of course, but they were background and could be edited in. This was where I could do flips, acrobatics, breakdances, whatever fit in with the music appropriately. It was all pre-choreographed, of course, but there was a certain thrill in doing it all on camera.

“And…perfect!” The director called out as I mimed one last hip thrust to coordinate with the sound of an explosion at the end of the song. “That was some impressive stuff, Len. Take the night off, and get some rest for musical recording tomorrow.”

Finally. I was back in my old clothes, torn as they were, before I knew it, huddling against the back wall of the studio. Normally I’d wait until I got home, but it was late, and dad was probably already there. My bag was spilt onto the ground in record time, and the bottle lushly covered up inside clinked dangerously as it rolled onto the ground. It was an old, stale thing, but it was all I had from scrounging around the previous weekend. I drained it quickly enough, but the ritual wasn’t complete. Not yet. It was time to move on to the second phase before I got totally drunk, or else I would be in trouble.

I was actually kind of happy my shirt got torn.

I wound the separated piece of fabric around my wrist and elbow, just in case since I had little to no idea what I was doing in spite of the practice I had given myself. Not hesitating even slightly, I smashed the bottle against the ground, picking up a large shard that separated. 

My blood pulsed rapidly as my endorphins rushed. 

“Ah-ahhhhhhh…” I hissed out through my teeth as the glass slid down my forearm, leaving another sizeable line across the surface. I wondered if this one would scar. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn’t. It would be better if they didn’t, but I always limited it to my arms and upper legs just in case. Giggling, I started again. I don’t know why I kept giggling, it was just such a rush to go through it all again, even though I knew what to expect. Something about it just relieved so much, in that one moment. I had started after that night, when it was an accident. It started off being something else to take my mind off of the way life was instead of alcohol, but then I started scrounging around for the stuff and ended up doing both together.

Which probably wasn’t safe, but whatever. I honestly didn’t care at this point.

“Hahaha…Ah-“ I bit my lip as I accidentally pressed harder than I meant to. Then I was laughing again. “Hehahahaheha, Ahh….”

“Ahem.”

I jerked forward, dropping the glass instead of gripping it tighter. It clacked and splintered on the ground beside me. I knew who the voice was, but I turned slowly anyways, completely terrified. This could possibly be the worst person to sneak up on me, now of all times.

Rin glared down at me, arms crossed and eyes full of complete and utter fury. “I think…we need to talk.”


	10. The Abandoned Church

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin and Len have to work out their differences after Len gets caught. But now, of all times, their ability to communicate isn't working so well...

“Rin? Where exactly are we going? Hello? Rin?”

After I had been discovered, Rin had basically just told me to come along, and was now leading me down the streets to presumably talk…somewhere? I wasn’t terribly sure what was going on, probably half because the alcohol was beginning to kick in. 

Rin jerked me to the side, and suddenly I realized we were walking up the steps to a church building. Was Rin religious? I didn’t really know. I had never really been, so it never really occurred to me to ever ask about it with anyone else. Quietly, she opened up the front door to the church.

“This building isn’t really put into use until Sunday mornings. Nobody should really be able to hear us once we get inside.”

The door creaked shut very slowly, and suddenly even through the haze surrounding my head I was able to come to the realization that I was in an abandoned building, all alone with Rin. 

“Geez, how drunk did you get? You’re already red as a tomato and we barely even got here.”

“Uh…” I couldn’t think of a good response, but it didn’t really matter. She huffed and crossed her arms, looking sternly to the side.

“What’s going on?” Her gaze pierced me, and I turned away sharply. “The past few months you’ve been really withdrawn…even more than usual. You disappear from practices the moment we’re done, without so much as a goodbye or talking about what you want to do next. You’re virtually absent from the world on weekends, and it all seems to just get worse. Is it us? Are we doing something wrong? And then…I see you with a broken bottle, tipsy and trying to jam a shard of glass into your arm like…like some sort of…” she released her pent-up breath. Silence spread throughout the room. I wanted to say something, but now more then ever the words were reverberating in my head. _Stay quiet. Hide what’s wrong. Don’t be a burden on them._

“I…knew it was happening, to some extent.” She mumbled lowly. I looked up back at her now, curious. “I…talked to your family on the weekends you had therapy. I looked after Yu while your dad did his own therapy sessions, and then your dad and I, we’d just…talk. He…knew about you getting drunk while he was out, you know. He could smell it. On your breath.”

Ah.

“But neither of us knew about you cutting yourself, and we just thought…” she shook her head grunting in frustration and began walking towards me. “Is it something we’re doing wrong? We’re getting you the help you need, we’re trying to talk about things every time we meet up, but you just slip away before we say anything important. Is it us? Do we need to do something to change?”

I backed up now, trying to keep space between us. For some reason, even though it was Rin, I could feel my throat beginning to close up. “Ah, n-no, it’s not. It’s…it’s not, I-“

“Then what?! Why are you doing this?” Rin slammed her hands against the wall, one on either side of me, holding herself up. Keeping me between herself and the wall. 

Trapping me.

What was going on? This wasn’t like Rin…was it? She was usually pretty carefree and lax about talking about stuff like this, so why-? Terrified, I brought my eyes up to look at Rin, to ask her why she was doing this. But it wasn’t Rin. I was looking in the eyes of my manager, sneering at me.

_“Why do you keep resisting what you need to do?” He yelled angrily. His hand slammed into my face, but the pain I felt…wasn’t real pain, right? It had to be…phantom…_

_But the hands trapping me weren’t his anymore. Instead, I saw a head of purple hair rolling off the side of Gackpo’s face as he pinned me against the bed, his face growing closer to mine, his hands travelling down, down…_

_“Sorry, Len. I just can’t help myself, you know?”_

_And then it was Francesca, an ugly look of false concern on her face as she brandished a new plaything. “I’m doing this because I care about your health, Len.” My vision blurred, and the image superimposed over Rin in front of me, the two becoming one and the same. Francesca continued. “I’m just doing this-“_

“I’m just doing this because I care.” Rin grabbed my shoulders, pulling me closer to her. “So, please, at least say something!”

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. Something was happening, something bad, and I had no idea how to respond to it. I wanted to scream and fight back, but wasn’t that wrong? I wanted to tear at my hair and huddle in the corner, but that made me weak, right?

I dropped my eyes and looked off to the side, refusing to make eye contact with her. Subservience…that was something I had been trained to do, right? And with Rin, all alone…maybe now, of all times it was all right.

I looked off to the side, my eyes low and downcast. The words were so soft, they barely even made it out of my mouth. 

“Please…let go…”

Rin’s eyes went blank. And then, they returned to normal as she released my shoulders, stepping back from the wall of the church as she turned her back towards me. We stood there for a little bit, silently trying to work through the invisible wall that seemed to have erected itself between us at some point without either of us noticing. Uncomfortable, I stepped towards the door.

“Let’s play Twenty Questions.” Rin said suddenly, and I stopped in my confusion.

“…what?”

Rin looked up at me. “Twenty questions. I ask you a question, one that can be answered with ‘yes’ or ‘no’, and you give me a response. My only rule is you have to look me in the eyes. If you don’t want…you don’t even have to say anything. Just let me see your face when I ask it.”

I knew what she was getting at. After all, our minds worked the same in so many instances, we knew each other really well at this point. Obviously something had stopped me confiding in her. She knew as well as I did that was something neither of us wanted, so if there was something keeping me from being brave enough to speak aloud…

“Okay.” I looked her in the eyes and we began the game.

“Is it your manager?” I didn’t have to shake my head no. We both knew that my manager couldn’t do anything at this point that I wouldn’t tell her about. If anything, it was strange of her to have started off with that question.

“Is it involved in Hope’s Peak?” I had to force my eyes to stay locked with hers, and she nodded her head curtly. “I figured. Things only started changing when they got involved. Does it have to do with your retreats?” Her gaze pierced me again, and this time she grimaced.

“With how much worse things got each weekend, I’m not surprised. Were any of the changes supposed to happen?”

The questions kept on coming after that, and each one made it harder and harder to look into her eyes.

“Did it involve…you know… _that_?” 

“Do you feel like you can act like yourself with other people?”

“Do you still want to keep going?” The twentieth question startled me, and I tried to form a question in my eyes. For her part, Rin was holding her own stare against me, even as he eyes grew more wild and angry with each question.

“If I’ve got this right, the people in charge of Hope’s Peak did…something to drive you into submission until you thought you needed to do what they wanted.” My gaze dropped briefly, earning a small growl of anger from Rin. It was likely meant to be directed towards Hope’s Peak, but still…“In spite of all that, do you actually…do you seriously want to keep going? Deep down, knowing that’s basically disregarding everything Hope’s Peak has you doing.”

This time it was easy to look her in the eyes. I finally felt a bit of resolve form inside my head again, and she rolled her eyes dramatically. “You don’t need to answer verbally for that one. I don’t get you, Len.” Sighing heavily, she sat roughly onto the pew behind her resting her head on her arms. “I really just don’t get you at all.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond. What was I supposed to say to something like that? I opted for silence, leaning heavily into the pew next to her.

“Is it just that you’re an Ultimate? Is there some secret quality you guys have that makes you be super resilient about stuff like this? Like, there are people who just shut down completely, and here you are still chasing the dream that’s making your life a living hell. What gives?” She sighed again, turning to look me in the eyes. “Maybe that’s just why I’m not an Ultimate like you. I couldn’t bear some thing like that if it was too much trouble.”

I grinned, trying to lighten the mood. “Well, actually, you’re not an Ultimate because Sayaka blows you out of the water. I mean, have you heard some of her latest hits? I was half worried she might take my title, and I was already in before they scouted her!” That earned a punch on my arm, but I noticed she changed trajectory from my forearm to my shoulder at the last moment. And she was trying her best not to bust out laughing. That meant she was better, right?

“Ha, ha, ha. You got a crush or something?” She brushed her hair out of her eyes to look at me teasingly.

And all of a sudden, my mouth felt really dry, and my face was hot. “Uh…”

Now Rin’s face looked weird, and she looked away. “I mean, between you and Sayaka. Sorry, just a joke. I know you’re not really wanting any relationship stuff right now.”

“Ah…no, it’s all right.” We lapsed into an uncomfortable silence until Rin made a move, standing up and stretching her arms out. “So, I think it’s late, and your dad’s probably getting worried. Go ahead and head on, ‘kay? And I promise I won’t tell a single other soul about anything I might have guessed from our talk.”

I nodded my appreciation. Somehow, without me even saying a word, it seemed like Rin already seemed to know so much about what I was feeling already. I wondered how…

“My only thing is that you have to play twenty questions with me whenever we meet up again. We’re not going home without it happening, or the next day it’ll be forty questions. And I will hunt you down to play it, ‘kay?” I grinned at her. Suddenly, that didn’t seem like a terrible thing.

Rin walked me home from the church. I still never really thought to ask her if she was religious. At some point, it didn’t really seem like a question that needed answering. We made our way to my front door, and she even waited to make sure I knocked before turning away.

“Oh, Len. Before I forget.” I turned to see her looking at me playfully, a teasing grin splayed across her face.

“I like the new haircut you got. Looks cute.”  
  
Dad took a while to open the door, probably because he had already fallen asleep at that point. Maybe it was the look in my eyes when he opened the door, or maybe Rin had clued him in as to what she was going to do. But when he saw me, he immediately started tearing up, grabbing me forcefully and drawing me in close with a hug. I returned the hug, but I was honestly kind of distracted. Eventually, we found ourselves sitting across from each other at the table as Yu dozed softly on the couch.

“Len, I want you to know that I’m not upset about you hiding the truth from me. I mean, honestly, I think I can understand more than most about how much that stuff can make you think it helps. But I need you to understand that you can’t do that anymore, okay?”

I nodded. I honestly expected worse, but dad seemed pretty…okay about everything all things considered. 

“I also want you to know that I don’t intend to punish you or anything. I want to be able to talk with you about stuff like this, but…Rin clued me in that’s probably not a big option for you, huh?” He didn’t have to wait for a response. Apparently I sucked at hiding my emotions, because he nodded to himself just as quickly as Rin did, if not even quicker.

“Just…make sure you’re keeping yourself safe, all right? And Yu, too, he’s…Yu?”

I turned to see my brother sitting up from the couch, rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Oh, Len…you’re home…” He said blearily.

I waved my hand and tried to speak gently for him to get some rest, but he yawned over me. “I cleaned the table all nice and good, Len. Does it look nice?” I faltered as I realized I forgot to clean the house before I left for the meeting. When did Yu…?

My brother grinned broadly at dad. “Big brother’s becoming a little like you, daddy. He gets tired a lot and likes staring at himself like you do sometimes. So I’ve been cleaning a little more so Len can sleep and get better like you did!”

My heart shattered. 

When dad was in his slump, Yu asked “why daddy did” a lot of the stuff that came from him being drunk. Why was daddy sleeping all the time? He was probably just really tired from working a lot. Why does daddy stare out the window? He likes looking at himself in the mirror, but don’t bring it up! Why do you clean all the time instead of daddy? Well, he’s tired and sleepy a lot, so I do stuff to help so he can sleep and get better.

I was doing that all over again to him, wasn’t I?

I doubt Yu understood what was going on when I gathered him into my arms and squeezed him tightly, rocking back and forth on the couch. Or when dad came in, and we all just sat there together for a while. Or why me and my dad’s cheeks were so wet when we finally put him to bed.

Dad and I didn’t really talk much more that night. I think we both understood what was going to change from that point, anyways. And yet…I still found myself staring into the window, looking at myself before I went to sleep. I touched the bangs of my hair silently, almost reverently. I had been hit on and flirted with so many times as an idol, so why…?

“I like the new haircut you got. Looks cute.”

I buried my face in my pillow, flushing a bright red. Why was I suddenly getting so…flustered?

***

“Upside inside out. I defend you, 

Bite your hair and smile with cunning.

You see the sign now that we’re loving

I’ll be coming, you’ll be coming.”

Ibuki was playing my song full blast before class. The song had released a few days ago, which was enough for it to have topped the charts already, as well as for it to have received the usual shocked reaction people got from songs my manager wrote. My classmates were good natured about it, though. There were some groans, mostly from Kazuichi and Teruteru, whenever I started waltzing around with the actresses to play up the romantic edge of the song. Akane congratulated me on my progression in dancing, remarking how I had improved my flips and spins to look more tight and solid. Ibuki and Hiyoko were ever the musical critics, but I expected that at this point.

“So is this the song where you got your new haircut?” Mahiru pondered. “You can tell it looks pretty fresh in the video, and it’s been long enough since you got the cut that it fits around the time frame.” I nodded my head. After that night, I had decided to keep the cut, for…personal reasons. Very personal reasons.

“If I had to rate this music compared to other stuff you’ve put out on your own, I’d say it’s one of your better songs,” Ibuki pondered aloud. “I can definitely see the stuff you made your own, which is really awesome! Though, there is this section here that just sounds a bit off…”

One of the things I loved about my class was that we had a strong ability to critique and receive criticism when it came to our respective talents. Particularly with Hiyoko and Ibuki, we all managed to bounce ideas and criticism off each other in professional mannerisms. Nekomaru and Akane excelled at bouncing back ideas for athletic mindsets and drives, and even if neither could tell, they both were growing a lot in their respective talents. We spent most of the times before class now discussing our skill check projects, projecting ideas onto each other and talking about how we could improve our own or other people’s ideas, and nearly every input was done honestly and earnestly. A part of me thought that if that was what Hope’s Peak was just year round, it would probably be one of my favorite places in the world.

Somewhat disappointingly, Hajime had practically disappeared from our group without much of a trace. We had thought he just went back to study for Reserve Course examinations, but the one time we made it into the class we discovered it was so full we couldn’t tell one person from another. And nobody we talked to even really knew who Hajime was that well. While everyone hoped he would come back and join us back over summer vacation, we were also all too focused on our own projects to go out of our way to find him.

“Hey, Len! Still drafting up ideas for your big concert?” Ibuki was excitedly harassing everyone about their projects today, herself fully confident she could work her magic on her own skill check. She had a concert like me, but her variation was that each of her songs had to be performed with a different instrument, displaying full and complete musical competence. Meanwhile, she didn’t have to take care of the actual planning and creating process like I did. Honestly, I was sort of pleased with that arrangement, given I hated most instruments that weren’t the guitar and loved the idea of planning out stuff like this.

“Let’s see… _your concert must consist of fifteen to twenty songs, with the following guidelines: two songs that are approved covers of songs by another artist, at least six original new pieces, at least five previously created songs, and at least two different songs performed with two different artists_.” Ibuki huffed. “They really like giving you restrictions with this one, huh.”

I nodded, but secretly I was thrilled. I already had an idea for pretty much everything they threw at me, which was really helping my confidence. Two songs by a different artist, I could easily do that with Rin. I had well over five originals of my own at this point, so I had no need for worries there. Two other artists…again, Rin was an easy pick, though I knew who Hope’s Peak would probably want and who I would want would probably conflict for the second person. I had already noticed Francesca arranging for me to talk with Gackpo about “handling our training” since we both worked with her, but doubted that was exactly her end goal. I wouldn’t be surprised if her employers wanted us to work together for this piece and were trying to get us reacquainted to do it. I briefly wondered if I could employ Sayaka instead.

And six new pieces…I smiled as I looked down to the guidelines on those.

At least three of the pieces must be written solely by the student, with absolutely no outside input. Feel free to run your imagination wild with these pieces. Two pieces must be made in conjunction with a superior, such as a manager or recording company. One piece is free for you to do what you wish with it.

This was probably done in the case of a student having troubles with the creative process or having trouble working in a manager-talent relationship. Honestly, I was just thrilled to have the opportunity to use my talent full force here. And yet, for some reason with the songs I was writing now…

“Is this your song notebook?” I jolted as I realized Ibuki was still there. She was rifling through the notebook I had to write ideas down in, but recently I had been in such a slump that…wait. That’s exactly what she was reading now. 

“Ah, Ibuki. Wait, please-“

“Kyaaaaaaaa!” Ibuki squealed, thankfully quietly enough to keep from alarming the rest of the class. “Are these all love songs, Len? And actual love songs, not the stuff your manager always writes.”

I snatched the notebook away from her, burning furiously. “I’ve kind of been in a creative slump, okay? I get down to write, but the only thing I can think about is-“ I stop myself before I finish the sentence. Ibuki absolutely does not need to know exactly what or who it is I’m thinking about.

“Oh! Oh! Is it Sayaka? It’s totally Sayaka!” 

“What?!” Now I was actually straight up confused. 

“Like, I say you whispering to her before you left that meeting a little bit ago. And you’ve totally been really different around everyone since then. You even changed your hair on the same night! It’s totally Sayaka, right? Right?”

I flushed at how both incredibly astute and completely wrong the observation was. “Uh…no.”

“Awwwww.” Ibuki groaned, but I could see her smirk behind it. “Well, I’ll figure out who it is soon enough. Ibuki is on the case!”

I had a bad feeling that would just end in more misunderstandings, but I doubted trying to stop her would help anything at this point. I let her off to do her thing, then picked up my paper again. Of all the songs listed, only one was outlined in red, my take for a song I would actually want to perform in front of an audience. 

Wandering off from the classroom into Hope’s Peak’s music room, I picked up a guitar and strummed it lightly, preparing myself. After all, if I wanted to sing it at the concert, especially with her there, it would have to be…completely perfect. I briefly trace the abbreviation “F.F.” scrawled above the lyrics before planting the book down in front of me to read from. I took a breath.

“ ‘I’m glad I was able to love you from the beginning’ and so I sing to the sky…”


	11. Like A Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len finds himself confronted with a strange new feeling as he prepares for this concert. The prompts say to be passionate, but...is that really okay?

Preparation for the concert was a no-brainer. Utilizing Hope’s Peak’s network of connections, I was able to actually able to get a prime spot for performance in Towa City, which was practically a hotspot for overworked rich men and women desperate for a small bit of entertainment. That paired with the more dedicated portion of my fanbase ended up getting tickets sold for the concert in record time. That part of the guidelines was nailed down, easily. After that, I was able to pretty handily secure collaborations with Sayaka and Rin. Sayaka’s manager was thrilled for the opportunity, and Kaito even had a talk with me afterwards to discuss other important matters.

“So after this year is over, you’re going to have your contract run out with your manager, correct?” I nodded, wondering where he was going with this. Thankfully, he didn’t hesitate. “Well, Rin and I have been talking, and we both decided that I should apply to be your new manager once all this is said and done. I’m well aware of your situation regarding Hope’s Peak and its multitude of offers, so rest assured I will take no offense if you turn me down. I certainly can’t offer up my services as a premier manager of the idol industry.” He leaned in closer, looking me sternly in the eyes. “However, I do know that Rin thinks very highly of you, and deeply treasures the time you two spend together. I would love to see that relationship…continue to grow. I’m sure you could do it with or without my help, but if I may be so bold, you’re already well aware of how I prefer to work with my clients and the ways I operate. I’m sure the other managers are fantastic men and women who would prioritize you, but if you’re ever uncertain, please give me a call.”

I smiled. I didn’t interact with Kaito very much, but the little I did made me think he was a pretty stand-up guy. He very clearly cared about Rin a good deal, and over the past year and a half it seemed he had grown to care about me a bit as well. Maybe it was a little silly, but it warmed my heart. In fact, I was too busy thinking about his offer and staring down at the card he gave me (as though I didn’t have Rin’s number memorized by now) to notice the girl trying to wave me down. 

“A-hem, Excuse me!” I found myself being spun around to face a fairly tall, pink-haired girl looking me up and down like I was the newest prize in a carnival game she just won. For a moment, I was worried I was about to be accosted by a long-time fan, but I then my brain kicked into gear. I recognized her from the meeting with the first years.

“You’re Junko Enoshima. Ultimate Fashionista, right?” The girl winked back at me, striking a pose I guess would have been popular on some sort of teen fashion magazine. 

“You bet! And you have to be Len! I remember you from that meeting we had a little while back.” A long smile filled her face. “I have to say…something about your class has really piqued my interest. A lot of you seem to have a lot of…baggage, right?”

The look in her eyes suddenly froze me. Something in that stare…was someone not completely human. I could feel the back of my neck grow hot, then suddenly ice cold. “W-what exactly do you mean?” Before I realized it, she had grabbed my arm and yanked up my sleeve, exposing the series of scars littering my forearm. I reacted immediately, yanking the cover back down over it. “Hey! Quit it, will you? We’re in a public area, you know.” I didn’t even think to aske how she even knew they were there.

Her smile remained steadfast and confident. And…incredibly unnerving. “I think you current first years have a lot more going on than you’re wanting to expose, aren’t you? But…I think I may have a solution for that.” She took out a notebook, and scrawled on it were a series of…bullet points, all labeled under a giant header:

“Secrets of Hope’s Peak Ultimates”

“I’m thinking of putting together a giant interview collaboration of some of the most popular Ultimates of Hope’s Peak. Somewhere for everyone to spill the beans, talk freely about the goods and bads of what all they’ve experienced as Ultimates, and make it into a giant info dump to send out to the world!”

I shook my head immediately. “That’s…a horrible idea. Why would Hope’s Peak approve of you basically getting all the dirt on them that you can? And isn’t this something that’s a little out of place for the Ultimate Fashionista anyways?”

Junko winked. “Silly! Of course Hope’s Peak wouldn’t like it, but that’s what makes it so scandalous. And keeping up with the latest gossip, the biggest of the juicy details…isn’t that something the Ultimate Fashionista should be born to do? Fashion isn’t just about clothes and accessories, you know. It’s all about information, trends, seeing what people care about and getting to the center of it! So investigating something like Hope’s Peak is totally my M.O!”

I still felt incredibly uneasy. That look in her eyes…in some ways, it looked like honesty, and in other ways it seemed like an intense malevolence in them. I could feel myself begin to shake.

“U-um…well…” Junko waved her hand dismissively.

“You don’t need to answer right away. I’ve got plenty of people lined up to work with, you know! But if you ever want to talk…” she handed me a card. It took me a moment to realize it was a business card. “Just dial me up! I can get you set up and ready to say whatever you want in a heartbeat!”

She left, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling of extreme anxiety that had come with her.

***

My manager was quick to come up with the two songs I had to sing on his insistence, though by some miracle of grace I managed to turn down including even more than that from his end. He aggressively shoved them into my hands the Monday after my meeting with Kaito, grinning broadly. “Here’s the lineup for your concert! I can already confirm these are going to be a two-hundred percent hit!”

Looking over the song lyrics, they don’t seem particularly out of the ordinary for what I’ve expected. “Out of Eden” seemed to be the same old song about out of place, sensual romance, while the other song…was…

“Gigantic…what?”

“O.T.N. It’s an abbreviation for ochinchin, which…well, I think you probably understand that one.” I did, though I hated the term. However, the Ultimate Idol didn’t really particularly care one way or another. He looked up to the manager, smiling. 

“Sounds good! I’ll work on the musical stuff as soon as I’m done writing up the draft for the concert.” Truthfully, that was half an excuse to get him out of the room. I already had most of the concert lined up. I hadn’t asked Rin yet, but I wanted her to be the headliner for the concert to warm the crowd up and introduce me. Then, it would be my turn, and I’d lead with a cover of one of Rin’s songs, followed by the two songs my manager brought up. After that, I intended to do a couple of numbers paired with Rin and Sayaka; probably “Remote Controller” with Sayaka, who played Rin’s part beautifully, followed by…maybe the “Evil” saga? I wasn’t sure how many songs that would count as, but I had enough room in the program for it to be counted for all three. I had debated doing “Paper Planes” but playing the prisoner role in that saga made me feel completely uncomfortable after all I had experienced now, whether I was doing it as Len or the Ultimate Idol.

Following that would be a few of my old songs, and from what I had already gathered from news anticipation the vast majority of audience members already expected “Plus Boy” and “Spice”. I secretly hoped I could make “Main Character” fit in realistically, as one of my few non-pervy solo songs, but if I couldn’t then Sacred Spear Explosion Boy could be a suitable second. And after that, it would be one more cover followed by the songs I had made by myself. There was a reason I was saving those all for the end, really. I wasn’t sure when it happened, but the rebellious part of me had crafted…a particularly exciting idea of how to vent my soul out on stage. It would probably sacrifice some things, but I doubted it would have a heavy end effect if I played it off right.

Putting those songs off to the side, I looked over the songs my manager gave me. “Out of Eden” was what you would basically expect from a song my manager would write. Sensual, smooth-flowing, almost plaintive in the tones and wordings. Looking at the general music style that he had written out, I didn’t really see any change I could make that wouldn’t negatively affect the flow of the song. I left it as it was.

As for Gigantic O.T.N. however…

“Two bridges of rap, and…the tempo is what, again?” I tapped out the rhythm with my finger as I played out the lines. My manager had been fairly conservative with the rhythm, probably because he had doubted that I could work out the rap in the time necessary if he sped it up. I grinned.

“Let’s amp it up a bit, increase the tempo to…hm.” I scrawled out some ideas, steadily working in more musical presence and cadence to give the song more energy and (hopefully) take some focus off from the actual lyrics. I smiled broadly as I finally settled on the changes I wanted to make. Overall, the song was now a lot more focused to precise, clipped wording followed by incredibly rapid-fire lyrics for the rap portions that stressed my talents as an idol far more than the previous iteration would have. It would be difficult to pull off this one, but that honestly made the prospect of singing it actually interesting. I almost couldn’t wait to get into the recording studio to practice.

“Yo, Len! Manager here to see you!”

The knock startled me, and I shook my head to look at the time. It had gotten later than I thought possible, honestly. But that was right, I was supposed to meet a manager for an older idol tonight to discuss my other cover song. The woman was rather slimy, honestly. She looked like the type to sweat a lot for no real good reason, burdened by heavy layers of fat and a hilarious attempt at a wig to cover her very thin natural hair. When we shook hands, her hand was soft and squishy and weak, even compared to my own hand. None of those were characteristics that made someone an innately terrible person, of course, but I was already feeling uneasy about the meeting before it had even begun.

“Before we get started, Len, let me just be clear. The song you wanted to use for your cover in this next concert is…”Ghost Rule”, correct?” I nodded, blushing slightly. “Ghost Rule” had caught my attention when I saw that its artist was an available option among the viable choices I could grab, especially since the song itself felt…well, it resonated with me quite a bit. 

“Well, I don’t think we’ll have any trouble giving you license to record it…” I grinned, happy at the quick conclusion to the meeting. “…as long as you manage to clear something up for me.”

I wasn’t sure how good that was supposed to sound.

“You see, my client is always concerned about the character of the people who use her songs. After all, it wouldn’t do for her to be linked to some of the more underhanded and manipulative players in the rat race of being an idol. Which is to say…” I had to control myself not to laugh at her increasingly flustered demeanor. I already knew what she was about to ask, and I was already shifting my mindset to intercept her. Honestly, with the experience I had gotten so far, asking something like this was hardly even asking anything of…well, him. The Ultimate Idol looked on at her. “…are you someone who’s willing to do whatever me or my client would ask for the song? What lengths are you willing to go to, as an idol?”

The Ultimate Idol didn’t hesitate to grin, sliding into a sultry stare. “I’d do whatever you wanted me to, of course.”

***

_It figured that the woman was a bondage freak. Most people who say stuff like “do whatever I want” and “submit to me” would fall under that category, as experience would say. Still, she seemed to think the Ultimate Idol would run away screaming the first chance he got. Didn’t she know how many times he had done this? After Francesca’s work was finished, he had basically thought of himself as the underground whore of the idol industry. Given how rampant this type of behavior was, that probably wasn’t so much the case, but having pride and self-worth when it came to this stuff was particularly useless. By this point, the Ultimate Idol had subjugated himself to so many different people with so little self-preservation, it was a miracle he still thought of things like purity in romance when he acted out as Len._

_For someone with a schedule, she seemed highly inclined to make this take a while. She was obsessed with laying an intricate pattern into her ropework, making these knots and loops that wound around his arms, behind his back, around what would be most men’s pecs but were relatively unimpressive on the Ultimate Idol’s flat chest. He did panic slightly when she strung a loop around his neck; nothing like this had ever been covered before in his training. But she left it relatively alone, preferring to focus most of her work around his torso and legs._

_As tedious as her work was, it was nonetheless effective. When all was said and done, the Ultimate Idol could barely move. And the ropes strung around his nipples, circling his arms, teasingly displaying his crotch…it wasn’t unpleasant. If he could have said anything through the rope tied around his mouth- which was particularly unnecessary, not that the manager cared- he would have commented that this woman seemed to know what she was doing. Purely from the ropes, he was already beginning to stiffen up, doing his best to create a pleasing sight for this woman._

_The sex itself was relatively…boring. Aside from bondage, the woman had no outstanding qualities or techniques to keep the Ultimate Idol’s interest. Granted, when you signed up to be a toy, to be other people’s plaything, your own interest was pretty much signed away as well. For her part, the woman seemed to be enjoying the experience immensely, sliding up and down my shaft with felt like overexaggerated moans of pleasure. The Ultimate Idol did his best to mimic the pleasure, but it wasn’t particularly important at this stage. She was getting what she wanted, and that was fine. Once she finally got off (in more ways than one), she leaned forward to bury her lips in my neck, but he leaned back and shook his head, motioning down._

_No marks where anyone could see them._

_His chest, as a result, ended up covered in sloppy bruises and kisses, lazily circling his nipples, his belly, down to the hairs trailing down to his…_

_Now he could actually moan in genuine pleasure._

_Her lips were decent, though the fact that she couldn’t go all the way down with a teen who debatably wasn’t even over puberty yet likely hinted at why she was having difficulty getting anything on her own. Thankfully, she was done quick enough, her head moving faster and longer as the Ultimate Idol bucked his own hips, finding the one moment that made it at least a little sunny for him. He had worked on his moans as he achieved orgasm, and the look on the woman’s face as he released showed that he had made her feel sufficiently rewarded for her efforts._

_And so, “Ghost Rule” was my other cover song to perform at the concert._

***

“Hey, Rin. Mind if I ask you something?” 

Rin and I were wrapping up preparations for our last songs to release before my concert, “The Parable of the Crane”, which was a series dedicated to a parable Rin and I had both grown up hearing. It was…a little depressing for a series, and Rin and I had both cried a lot while making it. But they were good tears. It made me feel closer to her.

No, now was probably not a good time to be blushing.

“…What’s up?” I tried to calm myself down before I turned to look at her. Her face was as red as mine for some reason.

“I was wondering…for the opening to my concert, I’m going to want a headliner, right?”

“Uh. Yeah, I guess? They generally help warm the audience up and make things a lot more comfortable for the title act.”

I fidgeted. This suddenly felt very uncomfortable. “Well, you already said I could sing ‘Butterfly on Your Right Shoulder’ so…I was wondering. Don’t you think it could be neat if you headlined with your rendition, and then I did mine as a follow up? It could be, like…a sort of lead in, you know? And a crossing of our different styles.”

Rin uncrossed her legs and turned in her chair towards me. “Len, this show isn’t about ‘our different styles’. It’s about you. And that’s all well and good, but think about it. I haven’t had a particularly strong solo in the past half year. All my best hits are with you, and only you. At this point, I’m sort of becoming a fading star. You sure you want someone like that as your headliner? Surely you could get someone stronger to come in. Why not ask Sayaka? She’s an up and coming talent, and an Ultimate to boot. You could do really well by her.”

“Well, there’s a good chance my audience is going to see more of us together anyways, so wouldn’t it be better to get them used to that sort of stuff regardless?”

Rin just stared at me. Slowly, her face turned a deep, beet red. “W-w-wh…what?”

I didn’t realize what I had said. Now my face was turning bright red. “I mean…Kaito and I talked. A couple days ago. About me finding a new manager. I mean, if you don’t want to and all, that’s fine, but I was thinking about maybe…possibly…no, probably, signing with Kaito once my contract wore out. I mean, that’d make singing with you easier, right? And I like singing with you. And Kaito said you liked-”

Somehow, that didn’t seem to help things. Rin turned away.

“All right, fine. Fine. I’ll be your stupid headliner, so let’s just…drop the rest of that for now, right? Let’s go over your songs and-“

She stopped as she picked up a song I had laid out. It was one of my originals, based off a foreign word I had found kind of interesting. “Nakapapa…what?”

“Nakakapagpabagabag.” I said proudly. “It’s…foreign lyrics. I had to get some help translating, but one of the third years was giving me suggestions and they said that making a foreign song early on would score really well with Hope’s Peak for a more branching audience and outreach group.”

“Yeah, okay…what does it mean?” Rin frowned, eyes narrowing. “It’s kind of a mouthful.” 

“The literal translation is something the lines of ‘something that is worrisome’, I think. The song itself is…” I stopped. To be honest, it was kind of a “fuck you” to Hope’s Peak. The song covered the ideas of leaving behind people who didn’t heed the singer’s warnings, choosing to stay in a world that seemed promising but was really crumbling down. A part of me wondered if I was singing it for the incoming first years, Sayaka in particular. A part of me wondered if it was me singing to myself, back when I first met Rin and she questioned whether I would really be happy as an Ultimate. Regardless, that was sort of the idea of the song. A large part of me was really wanting to rail against the school right now, and doing so this way…I would be able to tell the people who knew what was going on with me without making it a big issue for people not in the know. Maybe that made it a pointless gesture, but if I was going to have a little bit of spirit left in me, shouldn’t I be proud of it?

“I can’t make heads or tails of these lyrics.” Rin huffed, tossing them aside. “What else you got?”

Rin’s grimace got worse as she read through the lines of “Vampire Pathos”, “Tokyo Tokyo Teddy Bear”, and “Chilledren”. 

“Ah, Len, do you have any…lighthearted songs in your list? These all seem pretty dark.”

I didn’t realize where she was until she uncovered the last one. “…Fire Flower?”

“W-wait! Nononononono!” I snatched the paper away before she read it fully, but the look on her face told me enough.

“Len…do you have a crush?” I felt my face go beet red. 

“Ah…no?”

Rin turned away. “You sure? Because most people don’t write songs about love without having romantic interest. Thought you weren’t into that sort of stuff.”

Now I couldn’t make heads or tails of what to say. Was I supposed to lie? “Ah…I’m not.”

Rin’s eyes turned up towards me, angrily and wickedly. “All right, then. Today, I’m shortening the game. One singular question.”

I gulped. I knew what was coming. But I still looked her in the eyes.

“Are you actually completely disinterested in having a relationship with someone?”

I didn’t answer. A few seconds persisted, and the she turned away.

“You don’t have to lie about stuff like that, you know. I’m happy if you’re deciding to branch out and do this stuff after everything you’ve been through. You don’t have to be concerned about me being overprotective or anything, yeah?” She looked back up at me, and I could tell her smile was forced. “I think I’m going to be pretty busy from here on, so it may be a while before we can get back together and perform again. But the concert’s not too far away, right? So I’ll definitely at least see you then.”

“Ah…wait, Rin, I-“

“Please, don’t.” She stood up, slamming the door to our studio open as she walked out. “I’d rather be alone for a little bit, if you don’t mind.”

I was left sitting alone in the room, wondering how I had managed to go so terribly wrong.

The walk home was long, and quiet. Rin not being there suddenly made everything feel really awkward. How was I supposed to know what to do at this point? I could tell she was hurting, but I didn’t really know why…or, rather, I didn’t really think I wanted to know why. I felt dizzy as I made my way into the house.

“Hey, Len! How was practice today with Rin?” My dad turned around to see my very droopy and concerned face. “Uh-oh. Something happen?”

I grimaced. “I…think I might have messed things up with Rin. Really badly.” Dad frowned quizzically. 

“Really, now? Come here, on the couch. Let’s talk about it.”

I told dad (and by extension, Yu) about the events of the afternoon, and about her reaction to my song. I was embarrassed to see him smiling at the end of the story.

“Uh, Len…pardon me if this sounds too extreme, but…I think Rin may have a crush on you.” I just stared at him.

“A…huh?” He smiled knowingly.

“Yeah. And given the way you two have been talking lately, I don’t blame her. You’ve gotten about as close as two people can be, aside from…” he stopped as his words almost took him somewhere uncomfortable. He coughed. “Anyways, just talk with her about it, next chance you get. Clear up the whole thing. I’m sure it’ll work out if you just talk.”

“Talk…” I shook my head. “What exactly should I say?”

Yu groaned beside me. “Big brother, why don’t you just tell her how you feel? Isn’t Rin kinda like the person you tell everything to anyways? What makes this all different?”

I glared at my little brother. Recently, he had started growing a little bit into his brat phase. Just a little, though. At least he was still trying to help.

“That’s…actually good advice, Yu. I really think you should be honest with her, Len. Let her know in a direct manner how you feel. I don’t think much could go wrong if you do that.”

I took a deep breath. My family was probably right. Now, of all times, I probably most needed to just be up front and direct with Rin. And if I told her the truth, and she really did have a crush on me? I nearly blushed just thinking about it. Maybe it was time to get into this relationship stuff.

But first, I needed to get this damned concert out of the way.


	12. Growing Too Hot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Skill Check Concert for the Ultimate Idol is finally here, and with it is a brand new game plan. But Len's determination to show a true part of himself during the concert may end up being his undoing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, two things.
> 
> First, this chapter is a bit longer than the others, so sorry for that. It's got a lot of stuff packed into it, not to mention a decent amount of song lyrics tied up in there. Just the way it goes.
> 
> Second, the song lyrics are closer to a direct translation than something that would flow well in English, a little because I wanted to keep some of the original lyrics, a little because I didn't want to disrespect the content creators who made fan translated versions of these songs, and a little because I didn't see easy English covers for some of them that would make the whole thing easier. So, mostly official translations it was. If it doesn't make sense reading it, I totally encourage you to look the songs up and listen for yourself while you read if you want! In some cases, it may actually help evoke some of the intense emotions some of the songs carry.
> 
> Anyways, just a little blip from the author. Carry on as usual!

Towa City was completely aglow with lights. The audience was filled with waves of glowsticks, laser lights, and what was almost definitely thousands of cans of beer to help bolster the mood. And the pure noise from the stadium was deafening, to the point where I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts. I was given an earpiece that would play the music I was supposed to sing along to, since there would be almost no way for me to hear it well once the actual performance started. Rin and Sayaka were given similar earpieces to help with their own performances. Backstage, there were rows of costume changes for both me and Rin; since Sayaka was only performing two songs, with one role being very minor, she could suffice with the one outfit. My heart was beating at what felt like a thousand beats per minute. This couldn’t be real…could it?

I made a thumbs up motion towards Rin. _You ready?_

Her smile was still forced. I hadn’t really gotten the chance to talk to her since we discussed Fire Flower, so I wasn’t sure exactly how to take it, or how to clear it all up. I just returned the smile instead.

“What about you?” she asked. “You’ve got way more stuff to do than me. What are you planning to do for your introduction?”

My mouth went dry. Crap, that was right. As an idol, I was supposed to make a grand introduction at the start of the show, something motivating and inspiring to really kick everything into gear. What exactly was I supposed to-?

I felt pressure on my hand, and I looked up to see Rin smiling at me again, this time in a much more genuine manner. “Len, it’s fine. Just speak from the heart, yeah? This is the night you’re supposed to show who you really are. Don’t be afraid of doing that, okay?”

Easier said than done, but Rin knew that.

“Rin, you’re up. Len, make your way to backstage for your entrance.”

Rin walked past me to get to the stage, but turned one last time to look at me. “Once I’m done performing, I’ll be just offstage where you can see me. We’re all here to support you, so…knock it out of the park!” And then she was gone.

I could feel my heart stop. What was I going to say? What was I going to do? I had completely forgotten what to do to actually address the audience once I got onto the stage.

“I kissed a purple butterfly on my right shoulder in the corner of the room…”

Rin’s song had already started, and the audience was cheering her on forcefully. I forced myself to calm down. Speaking to the audience wasn’t the important part, and honestly? Tonight was the night I was going to lay everything out anyways. If I didn’t speak from the heart when I spoke out tonight, then the whole night was probably going to be a bust anyways.

“Hey, champ. You all right?” I turned to see my father carrying Yu as he made his way across the backstage to me. As family, dad and Yu were allowed backstage passes, and he had just managed to arrive after work to see me play. “No need to be scared, yeah? I know you’ve done this pretty much perfectly so many times. So don’t stress about it.”

“Ah…” I could feel my heart tighten despite my dad’s help. Try as I might to reason it out, I couldn’t help but be nervous anyways. 

Dad set Yu down, who immediately ran to my side and hugged my torso. My father leaned down on my other side, embracing the two of us together into a group hug. “Len, no matter what happens here, you have us, and Rin, and all your friend at Hope’s Peak, okay? I really mean it; relax and have fun out there. Being the Ultimate Idol tonight means being yourself, and nothing else. That’s what I want to see tonight.” Dad’s eyes glinted as he said that, and my heart began to race again. Even Rin didn’t know about the stuff that happened, so why did he…?

“Call it a father’s intuition. I may be a crappy dad, but even I can see some things. We can talk about the details later.” He stretched out, bringing Yu back up into his arms. “I can’t say for certain why you’d feel any different, but tonight’s the night to throw all that away, yeah? Be you, Len. I wouldn’t want to see anything else.” 

“One minute, Len. You all set?” Dad and Yu gave me one last hug before making their way to the side of the backstage to watch from the sidelines. I shook my head. More and more, lately, my dad was really beginning to surprise me. But also…I smiled, hugging myself a little as I walked towards the entrance. The past few weeks, my dad, brother and Rin had been spending so much time with me. Helping me when I was down, making sure I knew what I wanted when I made my next step or decision. Dad’s calm advice, Yu’s hugs and cheery encouragement, even Rin’s frustrated pushes to make me act more like myself…I wasn’t all there, yet. But every day with them was making me feel closer to what I wanted to be as an idol. Thankfully, I hadn’t had an appointment with Francesca since Skill Checks became the main focus of study, or else that might not have been so effective. But still, with them, I felt like I knew what I could say when I got up on stage. 

  
I took a small sip of water to calm my nerves. I was starting off the concert strong and powerfully, so I had to make sure to enter with confidence. If I managed to take everyone off guard from the beginning, the night would be set up to be perfect.

“All right. On stage in three…two…one…” I pushed behind the curtain, making my entrance subtle. Rin was finishing up her song, expertly moving across the stage to cover my presence. Her lyrics had wrapped around to start again, paving the way for me to sing my rendition.

“I learn the emotion of grief as the piano emits an echoing…”

“Tune of disonnance….ah, _ahhhhhhh_ ” I belted out the line as I moved from behind Rin, revealing myself to the audience. The cheers were so deafening, I almost couldn’t hear my own music even within my earpiece. Rin moved back to take the place of being a background singer, while I moved up to the forefront of the stage.

Suddenly, all my anxiety about the concert was completely gone. 

My version of the song, compared to Rin’s, was much less focused on drawing out emotion and evoking a sense of mystery. Since my voice was naturally more focused on being powerful anyways, I had decided to utilize that and make the song even more energetic and forceful while keeping the original dance-type vibe. Rin chorused perfectly with me to fill out the vibe of the song, and the visuals on stage were absolutely stunning. Digital butterflies flew across the stage, dancing with me and Rin like they were our partners. One of them even brushed up against my hand as I stretched it out, which tingled pleasantly before the butterfly disappeared. 

“…tune of dissoncance.” The music stopped abruptly, leaving my last line to hang out across the air. I smiled as the audience cheered, waving my hand to address the crowd. I could see at the front of the stage a row of judges peering up to me, most looking at least somewhat impressed so far. The judges for Hope’s Peak students were outsourced critics and judges from around the world, so there was a plethora of different expectations I could look forward to fulfilling in the concert. Thankfully, the speech at the beginning of the concert would only be judged by local critics, since most others didn’t really understand Japanese. But even before I began, I looked off to the side, just next to the judges to see someone I really didn’t want to see.

Her brown hair was caught up in a tight bun, and she peered at me with a tight smile that belied a very sinister meaning behind it. My counselor, Francesca Allbright, looked up at me with a sharp glare that spoke volumes enough.

_Don’t mess this up._

I took a breath. I looked off to the side, where Rin was smiling and giving a thumbs up. Dad and Yu were there too, Yu waving frantically as dad just gave me a soft smile. 

I breathed again. They were here.

“Good evening, Towa City!” 

Cheers rang out as the audience clamored for attention. I grinned, confidence beginning to rise again.

“Thank you all for coming out tonight! And thank Hope’s Peak for supporting this event to begin with!” Laughs jittered throughout the audience. Everyone attending knew what this was for, and exactly why Hope’s Peak was here. My pointing it out was more of a light-hearted ribbing than actual thanks.

“All jokes aside, I just want to tell you all it really does mean so much to be here, in front of everyone.” My mind was racing. Do I go far here? How far is too far? What can I say without getting in trouble? I settled on something. “Ever since I was a child, I wanted to sing a song for hope. I wanted to show who I was in full, and sow seeds of hope and truth no matter where I went.” My eyes flashed past Francesca. “And it hasn’t always been easy, along the way. There are people who will try to knock you down when you have goals like that, who will try to make you into someone you aren’t. They try to make you feel powerless, like you’re alone, like you have nothing left to live for except what they want.” My eyes passed over the audience once more, but I purposefully avoided the front where Francesca was standing this time. They settled briefly to the side stage. Rin was grinning broadly, and tears were shining in my dad’s eyes. They both knew where this was going.

“But let me tell you something. Nobody is ever powerless. Nobody is ever alone. Even when I was at my worst, I had people beside me who pulled me from the brink, who were always there to support me.” I couldn’t see my Hope’s Peak friends from stage, but I knew they were here at the concert, too. Skills Checks were done on a schedule so that all students could attend and support other student’s checks when applicable. “My friends and classmates at Hope’s Peak, my family, my colleagues. Everyone was there to help me when I needed it. And they reminded me why I was able to be here in the first place, what makes me special.” The music to “Main Character” started up. I had decided to put it second in the lineup to fit in with the theme of the concert better. “So, if you’re troubled, if you’re full of heartache, if you despair, know this.” The music paused. 

“You will always have power inside you.”

I liked “Main Character” for a lot of reasons, but one of my favorites was simply the end of the first verse, where the lyrics just relaxed into me building up power into the chorus. Some lyrical critics might say that leaving “ahhh”s in a song could be boring or unimaginative, but I felt that they gave off a sense of release and free form when they were used right. Judging by the crowd reaction, many people thought the same way. I refused to look at the critics at this point. First of all, seeing them would just remind me I was being judged, which would just get me anxious. And second, I didn’t really need to see the look of outrage that was almost certainly on Francesca’s face. Or maybe it would be a relaxed façade. Who really knew at this point?

“Remote Controller” and the “Evil” series were next after that. Sayaka played Rin’s role perfectly, and we were able to make up some really fun and interesting antics while “controlling” each other; acting like we were “deactivated”, pushing each other around the stage, and the audience ate it up. The Evil series went smoothly as well, which I expected. It was out most popular series to date, and Rin led the series beautifully.

“Ohohoho! Kneel before me, peasants.” With her laugh, from there it could only have been perfect, though I wasn’t sure how to feel at the audience cheering so hard when my execution came up in “Servant of Evil.” Still, when we finished “Regret Message”, I felt the same feeling I had when we had concluded the series. Something seemed to be…missing…but that wasn’t really something we could focus on now.

I had performed “Plus Boy” and “Spice” live before, so those songs weren’t too much of an issue. My face still burned when Rin and Sayaka came on the stage to act out the roles of the girls I was interested in. But they performed the dance moves in the chorus perfectly, and Rin was completely in sync with the music as she called out commands for “sit” “stand” and “bow” in the bridge for Plus Boy, in spite of doing all the actions herself as she called them out. 

And she claimed she could never have the talent to become an Ultimate. Sometimes she made me laugh.

After that, we had a brief intermission to relax. Including the headliner, we had done nine songs, leaving, besides Ghost Rule which was near the end, only the new songs to go; my manager’s and my original creations. It was enough to make me sweat.

“Hey, Len. You’ve been doing great!” Sayaka plopped down beside me, now in casual wear. She didn’t have anything left to do in the concert. “Though, I do have some advice.”

I tilted my head, suddenly concerned. Was I doing something that was off? “Yeah?” 

Sayaka’s brought out a sheet of paper, the performance schedule, and slid her hand down to the very bottom. “Rin told me about this song…Fire Flower? It’s a love song, yeah?”

My face burned, and I nodded. 

“Right. Well…” Sayaka leaned in close, bringing her lips next to my ear. “Use it to tell her how you feel, yeah? I think she’s getting the wrong idea, and doing something like that would make it super obvious.” Sayaka stood up, winking, and raised her hand in farewell. “Oh, and after that speech, I think I understand what you mean a little more, now. So…thanks for the advice you gave last time, yeah?”

She walked off quickly, leaving me even more confounded. Sayaka was a really strange girl sometimes. But another voice calling after me broke me from my thoughts.

“Len? Excuse me, I need to talk to-“ The voice froze my blood. How was she allowed access to the back? Or was she not, and was just so desperate she was willing to break the rules? “Len! Come on, we need to talk about-“ I heard her clipped pace, saw her shadow move around the corner, and as she came into view her dark eyes bore into me. My counselor smiled, but the smile wasn’t even close to reaching her eyes. “I think…we need to talk.”

I couldn’t speak. All of a sudden, the confidence I had on stage was gone. I regretted everything. I scrambled backwards, falling over myself but still scuttling back away from her as she approached.

“I-I…”

A hand firmly grasped my shoulder, pulling me up. And suddenly, I was being pulled behind my dad as he blocked me from my counselor. 

“I’m sorry, who are you? And why are you trying to get close to my son?”

I had never seen Francesca taken aback in such a way. “O-oh. You’re Len’s…father? But I thought you…I mean, from the reports, you were-“

“Nine months of therapy.” My dad responded in a frosty smile. “Very helpful therapy, I might add. Can I assume your assessment of my state means you’re involved in Len’s therapy, then?”

Francesca was pale as a sheet. “Well…yes, actually. I am. In fact, I noticed some signs from Len late into the performance that hinted we may need to have some time alone and relax a little, but he’s being a little insistent. Could you-?”

“No.” And covering the ice was now a steely backbone. “I think if Len doesn’t want to go with you, he shouldn’t have to. Do you even have permission to be here?”

  
Francesca huffed. “As his therapist, yes. Obviously. And if you refuse, I have permission to make an executive decision without your approval, now if you-“

The sound of intense wailing filled the backstage. In spite of the fact that Francesca and my dad weren’t arguing quietly, the sound suddenly attracted several attendants and security personnel as though it was the biggest emergency of the century. They arrived to see a flustered Francesca hurriedly trying to quiet my little brother, who was holding his head and bawling like there was no tomorrow.

“This l-lady,” my brother sniffled, “she wanted to talk to big brother, but I didn’t want her to, since he’s busy and didn’t wanna talk to her. B-but she just…she just h-hit me, for no reason!” Yu burst into another series of sobs, and now several glares were being directed at my counselor. 

“No, that’s not…that’s really not true! I-“ Francesca sputtered and protested as she was walked off the backstage by security personnel. My brother smiled at me mischievously between his fingers as he pretended to sob. I smiled back. My family was a life saver.

“Len, you’re on in five.”

The leading song for the second half of the performance was “Out of Eden”, which at least meant I was getting my least favorite song out of the way first. In practice, my manager had shown me a new mechanic he had wanted to use. Part of the song emphasized something along the lines of “bound by ropes of domination and submission”, which…yeah. I didn’t want to address that part. But alongside that, there was a device that released ropes from the rafters of the stage, which I could grab onto and wrap around my individual wrists. From there, they could be mechanically controlled to wrap around my body to…well, display being bound by ropes of domination and submission.

What my manager didn’t know was that I did workouts with Akane to work on aerial gymnastics. I wasn’t proficient by any means, but I had more rope support to work with than most gymnasts did. So, when time came to use the ropes during the performance, I had a good idea of what to do. I wrapped the ropes around my wrists, like I was supposed to, allowing them to slide over me like my manager wanted. But then, as the chorus swelled…

I flipped around the ropes, fighting to utilize my core to flip even as I sang. If I was using normal gymnastic material it would have been impossible, but the extra leverage being wrapped around me allowed me just enough freedom to do what I wanted. 

“Bound by ropes of domination and submission…” I moved as fluidly and smoothly as possible through the rest of the song. This was no longer a humiliating display for me, instead becoming an enhanced part of the performance. And the audience was eating it up. But in the back of my mind, a nervous part of me reminded myself that this was the second time I was fighting back this concert. Tonight I was making a lot of people happy, but I was also making a lot of people really, really mad.

Gigantic O.T.N. was relatively uninvolved. It was a fast, fun song with goofy lyrics, just like a lot of my other performance. Still, I knocked the rap sections out of the park, resulting in some bewildered cheers from the audience. But I was happy enough to be rid of those two songs once they were done.

“Nakakapagpabagabag” was next on the list, but as scared as I had been about it, it didn’t feel as scandalous actually singing it aloud. In all honesty, the most terrifying thing about the song were the higher notes sprinkled throughout it. Hitting B6 was terrifying, and I had to do it a lot in the chorus, followed by a long, held out note at the end. But, that one was actually fun since you had to put so much force into it. I let loose, venting a lot of emotion into that one note. And when I did, I could feel an emotion wash over the audience. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it made me feel…oddly satisfied.

“Chilledren” passed by somewhat lazily; if there was any low point in the performance, it was either that or “Spice”. As I was singing it, I realized that compared to the rest of the songs in my display it wasn’t really as powerful or hard-hitting. The lyrics were eerie and provoking, but aside from a couple of notes in the chorus I wasn’t really working particularly hard. Even my movements on stage were fashioned to be a bit more careless and free, in line with the tone of the song. It was what the song was meant to be, but as I sang I wondered if it maybe would have been better suited elsewhere.

"Vampire's Pathos" helped with that feeling. Alongside me as the main singer, Rin and one of the actors my manager contracted with played out the story of a vampire hunter taking out a vampire disguised as an innocent priestess. I smiled at some of the lines like, "The cowardly sheep drag a film named science, murder God, and pretend to have created a “New World” looking all proud". It was perhaps a cynical jab at the way things currently were in the society, but I could sympathize. The vampire hunter did care about humans after all, he was just cynical of how the completely forgot what made them human in the first place, putting themselves in danger of the vampire right in front of them. As I pretended to finally kill of Rin, I raised a silver cross necklace to my forehead, cutting off the song and high-energy lyrics with an abrupt and final "Amen."

“Tokyo Tokyo Teddy Bear” picked the intensity back up. After two lines of the first verse, I was already practically shouting into the mic, and that lasted for most of the song. Still, I wondered if all these somewhat dark songs were going to give off the wrong impression to the critics and audience. The cheers were still going strong, but was it just me or did they seem less…happy than they were before? Was it the tone of the songs or my own perceptions?

“I cut out my life's spark in these boiling days  
Anyone will do, as long as they serve as a replacement”

I finished the song feeling antsy. I only had two songs left, Ghost Rule and Fire Flower. Fire Flower was meant to swing the mood back up, but Ghost Rule…that was going to be heavy. 

The song started up before I was ready. The intro took a while, but my breathing was still barely settled when I started.

“Having lied of inconsequential things

I’m unable to go back.

No statute of limitations for my crime,

Robbed of forgiveness for that thievery of mine.”

The audience roared as the music swelled and my voice grew more confident. This song was a favorite among teen audiences, and the power an idol displayed in the chorus had everything to do with how well it was received.

Thankfully, power was one thing my voice could handle.

“Mayday! Even if you realize it’s me, you won’t need to hold me in your arms again.”

I belted out the lyrics to the crowd’s approval, grinning broadly. They were in for a surprise. Because, near the end of the song, the chorus sort of breaks a little bit, giving aside for the singer to improv while the background singers took the chorus. And with this song in particular, that improv was often marked with a sort of growl-shout from the main vocalist.

I cut loose.

Even the audience went quiet as I shouted out into the sky, backed by two years of repressed emotion. It felt like I was just letting loose everything that had been pent up inside during that entire time.

It felt incredible. And the reactions I could see were exactly the looks of shock I had been hoping for. It was a struggle to calm myself down enough to sing the last lines of the song plainly. I moved my arms behind my back for the end choreography, but…I felt myself picking at the sleeves. Somewhere in my head, I realized they were the detachable sleeves I used for Explosion Boy. Why was I-?

“Robbed of forgiveness for that thievery of mine.”

My arms moved without me thinking as I ended the song. My right hand grabbed at my sleeve, while my left arm pulled and twisted out in front of me. The sleeve popped off with no resistance. My forearm was proudly displayed above my forehead.

I watched as the cameras around the stadium zoomed in on my scars. My heart felt like it had stopped. This was it. I had finally done it. I had let my body take control without thinking about consequences, and I was going to get hell for it.

The stadium was silent. But my mic was still on. I smiled, painfully. I had already gone and blown it. Might as well make a show out of it.

“Like I said, I’ve been through some rough times in my life. Would I be wrong to say I’m not the only one?” I had a plan in my mind now. I knew exactly where this was going. Thankfully, the audience was responding with cheers. Maybe I could salvage this.

“But, also like I said, I’ve had amazing friends and family by my side. And…one person, more than anyone else. Rin, could you come here a moment?” I turned towards the side of the stage. My dad was full-on crying, smiling through the tears. Yu just looked astounded. Rin was glaring at me, but through something that could be interpreted as a fierce smile as she walked towards me. She knew where this was going, too.

“Rin has been…the biggest reason why I’ve been able to make it through every small thing that’s come my way this past year. I don’t think I would have been able to make it without her by my side. So…with that, Rin, I have something I want you to hear.” I motioned towards the band.

The music started up.

“’I’m glad I was able to love you from the beginning,’ and so I sing to the sky…”I let go of Rin’s hand to do my choreography, but my eyes didn’t leave hers for an instant. 

The audience’s cheers were deafening. 

“Fire Flower” was one of few songs that actually had a decently low range compared to my other songs. Honestly, I felt like I was struggling a little bit on the lower notes in the verses, but the cheers persisted in spite of that. And Rin wouldn’t stop staring at me with tears in her eyes.

“Like a Fire Flower, so I won’t get put out.

My sparks will fly and I’ll launch my dream.

“I wish I had never loved you from the beginning” and so

I even lied and-“

The song continued to talk about my feelings; how different I thought Rin and I were, how much I lied to her about things that I shouldn’t have, how she always managed to find out my lies regardless. And about how I was still growing to become someone she could…

“…please wait until that day.

I’m glad I was able to love you from the beginning, and so

I sing to the sky.”

My heart was beating so rapidly. It was the end of the performance, right? The last song, the end note, all that was left was to thank and release the audience, and-

Rin’s lips met mine. The audience went wild. A symphony of emotions played around in my head. Suffice to say, I wasn’t expecting…that. What were we supposed to…?

I was almost too dazed to speak, but I numbly turned and bowed to the audience.

“Good night, Towa City! We love you all! And many thanks to Hope’s Peak Academy!”

My head was buzzing as Rin helped me offstage. We sat down, and I was handed a bottle of water by some attendant. I didn’t have time to thank them before they were gone.

“Uh…Rin?” My voice croaked, but she shushed me. 

“One of the judges is supposed to talk to you as soon as they’re done evaluating, right? We can talk after.” My head still spinning, I nodded as she sat up, moving back to the backstage where everyone else was throwing a party. Or possibly a fit, if it was my manager.

It felt like hours until one of the judges came back to talk to me. “Excuse me, Len? I’m Kiria Towa, a talent manager in Towa city. Do you mind if we talk a while?” I nodded numbly as she took me offstage to an off-trailer where the judges were supposed to conference. It was empty, and she sat me down opposite her.

“Well, Len, I think it’s safe to say that your technical performance was largely spot on, with some minor low points I’m sure would take no time to iron out. Honestly, most of the judges barely even noticed it, so you’re doing fairly well for yourself in that regard. It’s also plain your direction and power are as strong as ever, though there is one thing.”

She crossed her legs, looking deep into my eyes. “We’re worried that your dedication to being the Ultimate Idol is a bit…awry. Some members are concerned that you may use these concerts to promote yourself, instead of hope, if that makes any sense. After speaking with your counselor, I just wanted to know if the things you’ve discussed with her still hold true.”

My mind went numb. She…knew? And she was asking me? Ah, but it was no problem, I just had to-

The Ultimate Idol didn’t respond. Because, the Ultimate Idol…had just bared himself on stage. And the Ultimate Idol liked Rin, and believed in himself, and wouldn’t back down if he…

No, that was wrong. It was my duty to do what people wanted as the Ultimate Idol.

 _But you, and the Ultimate Idol. Aren’t they just the same thing?_ My brother’s simple voice rang through my head. _Just be yourself as the Ultimate Idol. That’s all we want._ My father’s face, and Rin’s…

“I-I…don’t…huh?” My voice hiccupped. Something was going terribly wrong.

“Len, it’s okay. It’s just a yes or no answer. I don’t even need you to do anything afterwards, I can take care of it myself. Just tell me. Yes, or no?”

She was leading me. I could barely get the word out, but something still remaining in my terror-filled subconscious remained to say it:

“Y…yes.”

Mrs. Towa smiled cleanly. “Wonderful. Now, just sit back and relax. I’ll take care of the rest.”

_I was sobbing as she carefully removed my clothes. I couldn’t look at anything. I couldn’t dare look her in the eyes. All I could feel was pure shame. Retching, gasping, hiccupping, I moved my hand over my eyes to cover the pain. I was failing so miserably. The Ultimate Idol tried to stop this silly form of rebellion, but the Ultimate Idol and Len Kagamine had become the same person again. I didn’t even know when she started and finished, I was so overcome. I could feel, numbly, her being gentle with me. I at least appreciated that. Her lips gently caressed my skin, licking up the teardrops as they fell. She rocked slowly above me, building up her own pleasure. I didn’t do anything to help, though. I didn’t make sounds of pleasure as she touched areas that were supposed to make me moan. I didn’t kiss her back as her lips met mine. I didn’t even cry out as she worked me to my breaking point. I just…I just…lay there. I had done this so many times. I had made so many different sacrifices to get to this points, so now, of all times, it didn’t make sense. As she left, that was the only question, the only work that could echo through my head._

_…why?_

I sat numbly against the wall of the stage as the appointed judges announced I had passed with flying colors. The audience cheered, then gradually moved from the stadium. I continued to sit. I remained until the stadium was empty. Slowly, I moved my arm up to see my forearm, where a temporary tattoo had been placed as sort of a fun memento from Hope’s Peak. Alongside the school symbol was the phrase “Perfect execution!”

Something broke. 

My nails scraped at the tattoo, tearing away and away until I couldn’t see it anymore. And then the nails were on my head, tearing at my hair as I yelled gutturally into the empty night. I didn’t see or hear anything else. Not until someone wrapped themselves around me, tucking my head under their chin, murmuring softly. I didn’t catch anything until my mind cleared enough to realize it was Rin. Until my heart settled enough that it wasn’t pounding through my ears.

“I’m sorry, Len. We thought you were following us out, but Yu mentioned he saw you still sitting here. Your dad had to take him back, so I-“

Rin stopped. “I…I’m so sorry. About getting mad at you, forgetting you, leaving you. Listen, if something’s going on, please remind me to just listen to you, okay?”

I gripped the hands wrapped around my knees. With my other hand, I touched her head. Did…I have to make a choice, now? Was that was this was? What…could I do?

“I can’t do this anymore.” 

Rin paused. “…Len?”

“Being the Ultimate Idol, or being Len…I can’t do this anymore. And…I can’t keep shutting everything that’s bottled up inside of me. I think…something needs to change.”

Rin rested her head over mine. She smoothed my hair. I leaned into her, feeling…comfortable. Yeah, comfortable.

“Then let’s do it. Let’s change something.”


	13. Burnt to Cinders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len meets with Junko to try and uncover everything that Hope's Peak has caused so far in his journey. The end result of that was supposed to bring hope, and yet...

“And I think we can all say, the Len Kagamine concert last night was a total success!”

My family and Rin were watching news coverage of the Hope’s Peak concert I had. Alongside that, Akane had scored perfect marks on her gymnastics routine, Sonia had impressed several orators with her stunning political acumen, and even Nagito had managed to be impressive in a series of luck-related gambits…though ending with a reverse Russian Roulette had terrified judges enough to just give him a perfect score off the bat.

“Len led with a strong rendition of Rin’s ‘Butterfly on Your Right Shoulder’, and the talent only got better from there!” The female broadcaster gushed. “Not to mention, his speeches!”

“Oh, I know.” Her male counterpart nearly shouted over her. “I have to say, I have never felt so much for a musical artist before in my life. Like, you can tell that kid has been through some stuff.”

A picture of me at the end of Ghost Rule filled the screen. As I held my forearm up to the crowd, staring the camera down, my eyes seemed to be filled with a wild, manic light. There was an intensity there that seemed almost…uncomfortable. I nervously scratched at my arm now. It was wrapped in a bandage after last night’s shenanigans, but I still felt the marks underneath uncomfortably. A part of me still wanted to go back to tearing away at it. I squeezed Rin’s hand instead.

“I almost wished he talked more about it” the woman sighed. “Because now, more than ever, I am just drawn into who Len Kagamine is as a person.”

“Agreed. Now,” the picture of me was replaced by another, with me holding onto the ropes mid-flip while singing Out of Eden. “Can we just talk about some of the things Len did just while he was singing? Acrobatics in the middle of a high-intensity performance, those dances, and rapping at the pace he put in…hold on, let’s pull that up real quick.”

A video clip of me rapping towards the end of Gigantic O.T.N. played. The words I said were barely distinguishable at the pace I was going, but I wasn’t stopping or slowing down. Subtitles flashed across the screen with no time for them to stay, since the pace I was working at was far too brisk.

“Absolutely incredible. But let’s not forget the crowning moment of the show.”

There it was. The moment that had captured everyone’s heart, and made the concert much more famous than it normally would have been. Rin and I in each other’s arms, our lips meeting, as images of fireworks blasted up behind us.

“That. Is. Stunning.”

Rin squeezed my hand. I wasn’t really comfortable with the way media had exploded after Rin and I had kissed last night. All over the popular news were all these takes about what our relationship meant for the two of us and our careers, both in positive and negative lights. I certainly saw several queries about whether it would affect the more risqué and shocking aspects of my music. Granted, given that I was leaving my current manager in a couple week’s time to partner with Kaito, that was perhaps an accurate guess, even if the exact cause wasn’t correct.

“But I think we can all agree that Len has showed he has plenty of power and talent left to show the world.” The female newscaster gushed. “I, for one, can’t wait to see what he continues to put out on display under Hope’s Peak Academy’s tutelage.”

“Agreed.”

I grimaced. If the plan Rin and I had concocted went smoothly, I doubted I would be working under Hope’s Peak for much longer. A part of me felt bad about it since I had made so many good friends there, but if Hope’s Peak would react the way I expected, maybe it would be for the best.

From there, the news moved on to other topics of conversation and focuses. Dad eventually turned off the television, pulling my attention away from coverage of a confounding break-in occurring at a max-security research facility.

“So, this morning we got a call back from that Junko lady you called this morning. She said she’d be more than willing to talk about Hope’s Peak and all that you’ve been through as the Ultimate Idol. She’ll be by this afternoon, so why don’t we talk about things first?”

I didn’t fail to catch the sharp glint in his eyes. Since he had started therapy, he had gotten a lot wittier than I was used to. At this point I wasn’t sure if I was actually keeping anything from him in regards to my personal life, or if he was just bluffing really well.

“So I’ve gathered that Hope’s Peak has had you continue do stuff you don’t want to as an Ultimate, and that all led to you…hurting yourself…” he motioned to my arm. “And that your counselor was the driving bit behind that. But I’m just wondering about…what happened, I guess?”

I grimaced. It wasn’t exactly a pleasant topic to talk about, but I knew it was coming up anyways. And honestly? It’s not like I was super ready to talk about it, but whatever happened last night made it feel like I could at least say something about it.

“It was mostly the first retreat I had with her. We went to some secluded farm where she…kept me. Apparently, she was actually the Ultimate Disciplinary, and that was where she kept the people she was supposed to work on. From there, she…” I stopped. What was I supposed to say? That she raped me repeatedly until I broke? That she tried to brainwash me from having any sense of free will when I was the Ultimate Idol? That she trained me to basically become a tool and yes man to anyone who asked it of me? And had beaten me, humiliated me, made me…it was terrible, suddenly. Scene by scene flashed before me. Sensation after sensation, in constant memory.

I didn’t realize I was panicking until I felt my dad’s arms around me. And Yu’s, and Rin’s. My eyes were flowing with tears. I was exhausted, suddenly. 

“It’s okay, Len. You don’t have to talk about it. Just relax, okay?”

  
I felt something being shoved into my arms. It was a raggedy old doll, something Yu dragged around and slept with when he was feeling sick or fitful. My little brother looked at me with concern in his eyes as he pushed it farther into his arms. I smiled at him weakly as I ruffled his hair and accepted the doll, making him look away with an abashed look in his eyes. In spite of being so young, he was really beginning to-

“I’m almost eight already, anyways.” He huffed in annoyance. “I’m too old for all that doll stuff. But you look like you need it, so…keep it, for now.”

Okay, so he was still a little bit of a brat.

“I’ll make sure Junko doesn’t get near stuff like that.” Rin said seriously. “If she’s trying to get all this gossip and dirt stuff on Hope’s Peak, she’d probably have a field day if she saw something like that.”

I smiled weakly and nodded. “Yeah…” I wanted to expose what Hope’s Peak was really doing wrong right now, but I really didn’t want to have an episode while being interviewed. Somehow, that felt…wrong.

I talked instead in general terms about what was expected of me after the retreat; how I was expected to not only accept, but encourage intercourse with my clients and workplace partners, and that Francesca had led me to believe that it wasn’t correct for me to display negativity or depressive emotions regarding those interactions. And how it was my duty, as a man, to-

“That’s bullshit.” Rin scoffed. My dad glared up at her, motioning to Yu. “Ah, sorry. But if you were a girl, she would have said it was your duty to sit there quietly and take it, or that we shouldn’t be able to say ‘no’ or something like that. All she did was try to manipulate you into doing and saying whatever she wanted you to say.” Seeing the hurt-puppy look on my face, her features softened and she pulled me in for a soft kiss. “It’s okay. I’m not mad or anything. At the very least, not at you.” I smiled as she pulled away. If nothing else, I was fine with the fact that last night had given me Rin as someone to be close to.

My dad nodded. “That’s something your mother and I had some problems with, actually. I thought it was my duty to be a wall and never be weak, and she got onto me quite a bit for being like that. And she thought it was her job to be quiet and out of the way…even submissive, and I got onto her just as much. Showing emotions and speaking up for yourself isn’t restricted to stuff like your role in society or who you are as a person. That’s just a part of being a human.”

I nodded. I knew that, I did…and yet…

“Maybe we should just call this off,” Rin said nervously. She had been against the plan from the start, and it was clear that my breakdown was just making her more upset. “Or I could dress up as Len, yeah? I think I could make a convincing farce if I fixed myself up real quick.” I was interrupted before I could talk about how silly I thought the idea was.

Knock knock

“Oh.” Rin’s eyes went dark. “She’s early.”

***

Junko Enoshima was certainly the most outgoing and energetic person in the room. She spouted instructions and advice as she set up in our house, placing lights, chairs, banners…the whole nine yards. But I was caught off-guard when she asked my family to stay. Her eyes bore into us as she sat us down. There was still something in there…I couldn’t quite understand what it was with her.

“I should be totally cool if you guys want to stay with Len. Family and emotional support, yeah?” They sat in chairs next to me, Rin on one side and Dad and Yu on the other. Junko sat across from us, adjusting the mic as she talked to us.

“So, before we start, I just want to let you know that everything you say here is totally interviewee-mediated. If you do or say anything you don’t want going on the documentary, just let me know and I’ll strike it. And just so you know, I can’t get the entire interview on the documentary, so there’s gonna be some stuff missing in the end product. Is that fine?”

I nodded. I expected that much, at least.

“All right! And three…two…one.”

The camera light flashed on, and Junko graced it with a winning smile.

“Today, we’re interviewing Len Kagamine, a rising second year of Hope’s Peak! Now, Len, I think the biggest question we all have here is what the story is behind those scars, yeah? You showed them off at the concert so proudly, but you have them all wrapped up now…”

I rubbed my forearm. “Ah…yeah. It’s a long story. Are you sure-?”

“Oh, totally!” Junko’s voice rode over mine, and I had to remind myself that she was certainly not an Ultimate Reporter or Investigator. “We’re here to talk about your story, after all.”

“Ah…right.”

I repeated the broad history of the scars with Junko. She nodded affirmatively, poking questions in here and there.

“So when did the actual cutting begin?”

“Ah…well, it was about three months after my counseling sessions began. At first it was an accident, but I kind of got interested and addicted to the feeling. I haven’t done it since the day we had the student conference we first met at, though.”

“And the drinking, did you try to balance that with school and personal life?”

“Yeah. I made sure my schoolwork and Yu were taken care of before I went at it, and I managed my symptoms as well as possible before school started.”

I felt uncomfortable the more we talked about it. I saw that growing look in Junko’s eyes that…unsettled me. Was this the person I really wanted to give my darkest feeling and emotions over to?

“Okay, now I’m a little confused here. You mentioned that Hope’s Peak influenced you to be this way, but you never mentioned h-“

“Oh, that’s not a particularly necessary story.” Rin spoke over her. “It’s not like viewers need to know all the details, and if it’s something particularly harmful, that might not be really helpful to have him relive, _yeah_?” The protective bite in her voice made my heart swell a little.

“Oh, right. Right. Sorry.” Junko flipped through her notes again. “But…then, instead of that, let me ask…why was all that really necessary, to begin with?”

“Ah…” I rubbed at the back of my neck. “That one’s not necessarily related to Hope’s Peak. You know, of course, that some of my songs can be a bit…risqué. But that’s not really something I enjoy doing, it’s what my manager likes doing. He has a lot of the power in the relationship, you know? So, alongside doing that, I…”

My thoughts froze. _Damn it._ I could feel myself beginning to shake. I had tried to avoid it, but even thinking about the stuff happening a year or two ago made me react so badly.

“Len? Len, hold on…can you cue the cameras away, Junko? We-“

“No.” I coughed, spitting up a stream of white foam that always came with my anxious panic attacks. But for some reason, I didn’t want the cameras to stop. “Keep it…rolling.”

I could feel Rin hesitating as she grabbed my hand to pull me up. “You sure?”

I nodded my head erratically. I was struggling, but I handled it at least once. And suddenly, I wanted people to see it. Why did I want that? Talking with Junko like this, I felt…different in some way.

“Okay.” Junko sat back, looking oddly satisfied. “Now, moving on…”

Talking about my life before Hope’s Peak was relatively easy, especially since I had already told my classmates all about it. Reliving the memories was still awful, but it was at least a familiar awful that I had faced before. Hesitantly, I reached the point of being assigned a counselor.

“Okay, and after you told the truth to the representative and your dad, they…?”

I took a breath. “The counselor they assigned me…was actually the not an advised counselor.”

“Len…” My dad’s voice grew with a concerned warning.

“When she took me for a retreat, she told me that Hope’s Peak…or, a committee that controlled Hope’s Peak, anyways, had gotten her to basically make me be more compliant towards doing that kind of stuff as the Ultimate Idol.”

“Oh?” Junko didn’t lead on. She didn’t question me further. But when I locked eyes with her, I still saw that look, that made me want to draw it out…

“She…was instructed to break me. I wasn’t allowed to cry or talk back, I wasn’t allowed to refer to myself as anything other than the Ultimate Idol. She introduced me to sexual concepts, and then proceeded to…” _Damn it, finish the thought._ I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t go that far. It just wasn’t, I couldn’t… “rape me with them.” That was all I managed. I was shaking. My face was red. I could hear murmurs as Junko questioned my dad and Rin some on that matter, but I didn’t catch specifics. 

I was out for the rest of the interview. Junko agreed to keep me being an empty husk out of the end documentary, but seemed to really value my reaction to the trauma I had received.

“All right, Len. Thank you so much for your time.” She gave me a quick hug, then looked deep into my eyes. That look…something about it was…

Alluring? Terrifying? Intoxicating? I couldn’t tell. 

“I know you’re going to be really useful in the future. So keep in touch with me, all right?”

I still felt entranced, even as she left, until Rin touched my hand. “Man, something about her is so…different.”

I nodded suddenly, snapped back. I didn’t know what it was, but something about Junko Enoshima was horribly dangerous. I turned away from the door now, disgusted. 

“Right.”

***

The Hope’s Peak documentary was indeed a hit, but not in the way I expected. The way Junko had worded it, she had made it sound it would be restricted to Hope’s Peak, and that there were protections in place to keep it from being released outside of it.

I wasn’t expecting the news to be covering the story of the most troubled Ultimates of Hope’s Peak Academy halfway through our vacation.

“For Hope’s Peak to have covered up the death of the Ultimate Gangster’s sister, as well as her murderer…isn’t that sort of seriously messed up?”

“A Reserve Course Student just went missing, and nobody even so much as questioned his disappearance. What is Hope’s Peak doing?”

“Hope’s Peak is the story behind Len’s self-harm…this is the Academy that prides itself on producing students that become society’s elite?”

“And what is all this about a secret committee controlling Hope’s Peak? Why wasn’t the public ever informed of this?”

I didn’t see the news coverage the day they popped up. It wasn’t until a couple of days after that, when I met up with my classmates to talk about the upcoming year, that I realized what had happened.

“Fuyuhiko, Len. What exactly were you two thinking?”

It was just like the first days of class again, being confronted by my classmates for something that wasn’t really my fault. Fuyuhiko had taken the rebuke stoically, but being completely out of the loop resulted in my classmates having to show me the video of Junko interviewing the two of us. Fuyuhiko spent most of the video being angry at Hope’s Peak, while the majority of the video focusing on me showed me breaking down and anxiously recounting what Hope’s Peak had done to me. I noticed parts of the video being removed; times I clarified that Hope’s Peak had been uninvolved in my trauma, Rin interrupting Junko, and as promised the time I spent being utterly spent. I grimaced, annoyed with the Ultimate Fashionista. As much as I didn’t want to hold back against Hope’s Peak, at least my part of the video was doctored to make Hope’s Peak look worse than it was.

“I mean, seriously.” Mahiru paced furiously, apparently angered beyond words. “You gave all the deepest secrets and worst things Hope’s Peak has done to someone who told you she was going to use them in the worst possible way, and you didn’t even think about how it would affect everyone. What if you get kicked out? What if Hope’s Peak closes?”

Fuyuhiko turned to the side. “Not like I care. I’ll do what suits me without a bunch of assholes like them. And besides…” he stopped himself, continuing to glare evilly at Mahiru.

She didn’t notice, and just groaned. “Figures you would say something like that. You two are both so immature, in spite of everything. I mean, didn’t anyone teach you to just settle this kind of stuff quietly and on your own? You’re both men, you know.”

I heard a roaring inside my ears.

“Ah, Mahiru, wait. That’s a little far….” Nekomaru trying to make peace didn’t help.

“Settle it like a man?” My voice was calm, in spite of how angry I felt. “What, do you think since I’m a guy I should have just swallowed it all?” I knew I shouldn’t be so mad. I had the same ideas as her, after all, but maybe that was why. Somehow, hearing from someone else the same ideas that were making me question my whole right to speak up for myself just…

“So I don’t have the right to tell anyone if I’m being used? If people are walking all over me and I can’t do anything but cry about it, I’m just supposed to accept it and be a man, huh?” Fuyuhiko nodded fiercely behind me, but for some reason that made me more angry. It wasn’t like he went through what I did. “You don’t get to tell me how I’m supposed to react or what I’m supposed to say when you haven’t experienced what I have at all.” 

Mahiru’s face went dark. “Weren’t you the one who said you knew everyone went through their own problems at the beginning of the year? What happened to us all being equals? What happened to thinking about what everyone else has?”

“Oh, yeah. Poor you, having had your best friend murder my sister. Don’t you lead such a tough life.” Fuyuhiko sneered. 

That broke any attempt at normal conversation the group could have hoped to have. Mahiru was screaming at Fuyuhiko, accusing him of murdering her own friend. Peko was trying to intervene throwing warning strikes towards Mahiru, causing Hiyoko to try and intervene while yelling at Peko. Tensions just grew as my classmates took sides, placed blame, yelled, struggled…

“Len! There you are.” I heard the faint voice, the clipped pace, and turned to see… “Come on, you know you were supposed to have counseling over summer. You’re way overdue at this rate. We have lots to talk about.”

I ran. 

I felt my heart race into my throat. I could hardly breathe, but I couldn’t make myself stop. I needed…someone. Rin was still on break, and she had promised she’d help my dad take care of Rin over break. Rin?

I needed Rin.

I ran towards my house, but stopped when I got to the street it was located. Resting out in front of my house was a giant vehicle with the label “HOPE’S PEAK” written across the side. I rocked back on my heels, and entered around from the back. There was no way I could approach the house with them there. After all, what was I supposed to…?

Luckily, the house had a back door (rotten as it was) as well as a back. I peered through the window and watched as two pale men in dark suits talked with my dad. Rin was playing with Yu towards my side of the window, carefully watching as they interacted with him. A few words were exchanged, and everyone seemed…happy? After some time, the two men gave my dad a sort of package and finally walked out the front door and rode off in their van.

I entered the house.

“Ah, Len! How long have you been there?” Dad asked as he rummaged through the package. “Some people from Hope’s Peak just came looking for you. They said they wanted to talk and bring you for a formal apology from the president, but I told them you were out. But they gave us this, as a sort of means for mending the broken trust, as they said. Seems Hope’s Peak got a lot of flak, so they’re reaching out to affected families to ensure good relations.” Rin picked up the package, bringing it to me as she rummaged through her self. I tried to cling to her, to calm myself down, to understand what was going on, but she just patted my hand as she shrugged it off.

“They’re basically covering their…butts.” Rin groaned, glancing over at Yu to make sure he wasn’t listening. “I mean, who would actually believe they’re being genuine when they-“

Beep.

Rin stopped as the sound emitted from the package. It started, quick and low, before rapidly increasing to a high pitched whine.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

My dad looked quickly into the package, and his eyes went wide. 

“Get out!” 

Time slowed.

I felt a tug on my shirt as Rin grabbed at me. I watched as my father, seeming to move at the speed of light, ran away from the door he was closest to, towards my brother. Rin pulled me backwards, running towards the door on our end of the house. I twisted in her grip, trying to find my own purchase and maybe, without her noticing…

I looked back one more time. My dad was covering Yu fully with his own body, rushing madly for the door at the other end of the house. I was even with Rin now, both of us nearly clear of the opening of the house, where we could be free of this new terror. We would be safe, right?

I felt heat. I didn’t have to turn to know the world behind me had already filled with a bright, deadly light.

There was barely time to react. I couldn’t see what happened to my dad and Yu, it was already too late to see. But I felt Rin, suddenly pushing me. Why was she pushing?

The burst was coming too quickly. There was nothing left to do. Desperate, I summoned all my strength, determined to beat Rin in this life-determining fight. In one last moment, I pushed.

And everything in my world was enveloped in heat.

***

“…and now, in less favorable news, we turn to the disastrous explosion nearby Hope’s Peak Academy that occurred a few night’s ago.” A hooded figure stirred at the report as they rested by the public television station. They had been there for two nights now, covering themselves fully in spite of the summer weather. Carefully, they fingered painful burn marks on their neck, hidden by the layers of clothing.

“Due to the state of the bodies, medical professionals have been unable to confidently confirm any bodies aside from that of Ray Kagamine, the father of Ultimate Idol Len. Medical professionals are still working to solidly identify the second body, but all identifiable characteristics are consistent with that of the Ultimate Idol himself. We advise the public to fear the worst in this scenario.” The hooded figure gripped the jacket surrounding them.

“No other bodies have yet to be found, nor have we found anybody connected to this case. The idol known as Rin is still confirmed missing by her parents, who are pleading for any information they can possibly receive.” _Ah, that was right,_ the vagrant thought. _I hadn’t thought to talk to them about this. I’ll have to apologize once I’m finished, huh?_

“No reports have been made concerning Yu Kagamine.”

The figure huffed, and stood up to walk away from the television. No update on Yu was the norm for the reports at this point, which was frustrating. How hard was it to find a child who looked like they had just survived an explosion? Where could he possibly be? Finding a kid like that…it was a necessity. Yu needed someone to care for them, since everyone else was gone. _And taking care of him…that was what_ he _would have wanted from me…right?_


	14. Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin is dead. Dad is dead. The only person I have left now is Yu, and he's missing. He's all I have...my last hope.
> 
> Ah, but if you're here, you already know what that means, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's probably not a good thing that I was so excited to write and post this chapter. Uh...enjoy?

“Get out!” 

  
Time slowed.

  
I felt a tug on my shirt as Rin grabbed at me. I watched as my father, seeming to move at the speed of light, ran away from the door he was closest to, towards my brother. Rin pulled me backwards, running towards the door on our end of the house. I twisted in her grip, trying to find my own purchase and maybe, without her noticing…

  
I looked back one more time. My dad was covering Yu fully with his own body, rushing madly for the door at the other end of the house. I was even with Rin now, both of us nearly clear of the opening of the house, where we could be free of this new terror. We would be safe, right?

  
I felt heat. I didn’t have to turn to know the world behind me had already filled with a bright, deadly light.

  
There was barely time to react. I couldn’t see what happened to my dad and Yu, it was already too late to see. But I felt Rin, suddenly pushing me. Why was she pushing?

  
The burst was coming too quickly. There was nothing left to do. Desperate, I summoned all my strength, determined to beat Rin in this life-determining fight. In one last moment, I pushed. And yet, I felt myself being propelled forward. Rin was…too quick for me? Or maybe she had anticipated what would happen before I could react. Regardless, I lurched farther from the explosion, and could only turn my body to the side and yell as the force of the blast overtook us. 

“Rin!”

I came to my senses before anybody managed to come to our aid. Living in the slums meant most people cared more about their own safety than the well-being of others, so when blasts like this happened you ran first, checked for survivors later. I could barely walk, but I managed to stagger across the burned and ashy remains of my home. The first body I saw…was Rin’s. I could barely recognize it, but it couldn’t have been anyone else’s. About my size, but broken and with all distinguishable characteristics burned away. Even if my mind refused to believe it, there was no other possibility. Rin…was…

I threw up. My ears were ringing. 

I staggered across the house. Everything was disintegrated. It was a small little place, so a bomb like this was devastating. And on the other side…

A larger body lay just outside the walls. The back was completely burned away, but I could see the charred remains of my dad’s face. He was curled up tight in a ball, presumably to protect the person tucked inside. Yu…

I moved my father’s body to free my brother, but stopped almost as soon as I started. There was nobody wrapped up in my father’s embrace. I looked around. I couldn’t see anyplace where Yu may have gone. Did he run away in fear or terror after the explosion? Was he even safe? Where could he have…

I wandered around the block for a while. “Yu….Yu…”

My voice sounded numb and hollow to my own ears. I didn’t understand. Where could my brother possibly be? Ah, but maybe I could figure that out later. All of a sudden, my muscles were just too tired…to…move. I collapsed against a wall and felt all sensation leave me.

I woke up again several hours. It took me too long to remember what was going on. I could hear panicked voices, concerned directions being given. Something had caused the police to be called, but what…?

Ah. 

I nearly threw up again, but swallowed it down. Holding in any emotions coming to the forefront, I prioritized getting out of there. If I was caught up with the police, there would be questions, hospitals, public spotlights, and mounds of false sympathy. All of a sudden, I felt incredibly sick thinking about that. The last thing I wanted to do was get caught up in society and media all over again. I needed to find Yu, and then figure out what to do after that. 

I hurriedly made my way around the slums. Random houses were still stringing laundry out to dry, and I didn’t think twice. I grabbed at anything that looked like it could fit and sufficiently cover me, hissing as burns on my hands and arms became more evident. I hadn’t even taken the time to assess how bad my injuries were. But for now, I ignored those as well as I hastily covered myself. I could concern myself with my own health once I had found my brother. Right now, Yu needed me. 

He…needed me…

I spent the entire day searching the slums. I looked through the streets, keeping my face hidden as workers ran here, there and everywhere to see if anyone needed assistance. Panic alerts were being sent out across television sets as media companies wondered if we were being attacked by a terrorist group. When they realized that it was my home that got bombed, they got even more panicked. But I didn’t really care to pay attention to that. I needed to find Yu.

When night came and it became clear I wasn’t finding my little brother yet, I returned to the street I lived on. Police remained in the area in hopes either Yu or I would return home so they could “take care” of us, so I made do sleeping on the streets nearby instead. Thankfully, the summer weather made it easy to sleep without things like blankets or beds. And now that I could relax…

It took all my willpower to stifle a sob, even reminding myself that the police were nearby and would undoubtedly find me if I cried out. I felt the hot tears rolling over my cheeks as I cried quietly. Even for me, after everything that had happened, this was too much. 

“Dad…Rin…” I repeated the words quietly as I mourned. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn’t I just have been able to be an idol, follow my dreams, without all this? How come, at every turn that I fought back, I just lost more? If I had never tried to fight through it, if I had never aspired or worked towards my goal, everyone would be well and fine. Perfectly…fine.

It was my fault. Hope’s Peak’s fault. Not theirs. They didn’t deserve to…

I didn’t want to hold it in anymore. Already standing up to move if the police investigated, I wailed at the top of my lungs. My throat being the way it was after everything today, it was an ugly sound. Broken, harsh, and guttural, it tapered off into a weak, mewling sob. But that was fine, I didn’t need to sound strong or powerful anymore. I didn’t want to. Now, it was perfectly fine if I could be weak, right?

Thankfully, the police didn’t investigate the sound. Perhaps they figured that today was just a day for people to be able to cry. Or maybe they just didn’t hear it. Regardless, I was allowed to cry myself into a restful sleep that lasted until morning.

I didn’t find Yu that day, or the next, or even the day after that. Days went by. Maybe even weeks. I lost track of time, place, and anything that wasn’t Yu. As I searched, I could only hear one phrase repeat in my head, from my dad.

_I’ll need you to take care of Yu when I’m not here._

Yu needed me. Dad needed me to take care of Yu. Yu needed me…the thoughts repeated through my head for hours, days, weeks.

I didn’t think about eating. When I did eat, it was minor scraps as I listened to public television sets giving updates. The forensic scientists who botched the initial examination corrected their analysis fairly quickly, and Rin was confirmed dead. The public soon went into a frenzy, wondering what could have happened to the Ultimate Idol. I found it bitterly unsurprising how quickly they dropped the tragedy surrounding Rin to focus on the fact that I was alive. Perhaps they realized it too, because a tribute for Rin went up a short time later. It was still annoyingly focused on me, calling her my “Fire Flower”. Given the context, that just made me angry. Continued questions and searches came to the forefront, with some minor speculations towards Hope’s Peak in regards to the timing. I smiled as I thought, “ _Oh, if only they truly knew._ ” But after the first few days, I suppose people got bored of hearing “no news”, even if it was the Ultimate Idol going missing. News cycled out. People stopped talking about the Ultimate Idol. They didn’t even find a possible culprit.

And still, I looked. At this point, I didn’t care if someone recognized me or tried to take me back. If they did, I’d just fight them, tooth and nail. I was going to find Yu, and then we were going to find someplace where nobody had ever heard of Len Kagamine. There, we would live for ourselves, and I would never aspire for anything ever again. I had learned my lesson about trying to become something in this world. At the very least, it wasn’t worth it. 

Weeks dragged on. Maybe it had been months. I began to sleep more often, and against my will. My stomach constantly growled. I was thirsty…always so thirsty, but I couldn’t stop. He had to be somewhere, right?

“Yu…yu…” I stumbled around the streets, completely unaware of where I was. I had asked anyone and everyone if they knew someone matching my brother’s description, if they knew any orphanages, child care centers, even people who would be the type to adopt a kid who showed up on their doorstep. But there was nothing. Nobody around, on the outskirts, or in an area near Hope’s Peak seemed to know where my brother was. The venture right now seemed…hopeless.

My body gave way beneath me, and I collapsed into an alleyway.

“…huh…?” My vision was going blurry. My body felt…truly and completely empty. My breathing felt heavy and shallow at the same time. Like it was too great a task, and yet not enough at the same time. And everything around me just felt…light. Was I…dying?

“N-no…” I felt my hand scramble, desperately trying to find purchase. I couldn’t die yet. Yu needed me, my dad needed me to find him, and I-

I needed…

“…you are…” A voice just outside the alleyway roused me. It was…familiar? I raised my head. The figure was taller, but the shadow she cast made it impossible to see her. She was saying things, but I didn’t know what they were. She reached towards me, and I had nothing left inside me to fight against her. Exhausted, I rested my head on the ground. My consciousness faded.

***

  
I woke up very slowly. My surroundings were difficult to take in, and it even took me a while to realize I was laying on a cot in a darkened room. Standing next to me was a pole holding a bag full of some kind of fluid. A hose attached to the bag ran down the length of the pole towards me, ending in a needle that was stuck in my arm. The needle didn’t hurt or anything. Honestly, the area around it just felt numb. The person who had put it in probably used some sort of painkiller or something.

…Wait, who was it that had taken me, again? 

My brain was moving quickly enough that I figured whatever was in the bag wasn’t some sort of drug, but it was painfully slow at recalling the memories that would help me out in this situation. I remembered collapsing, feeling like I was about to die, trying to fight it, and then…a woman? 

I shook my head, confused. What woman would be trying to find me at this point? There wouldn’t be a reason for any specific woman to try to-

“ _Len, you’re really overdue for a counseling session._ ” My heart felt like it stopped at the sudden memory.

No. That couldn’t be the answer. Not after all this. If it was her, then it would have been better for me to have been turned into cinders the moment the bomb had exploded. Please, anything but-

The door opened, and I screamed instinctively. 

“I’m sorry! Please, let me go! I-“ I stopped as I realized that I wasn’t looking at Francesca. The woman’s hair was lighter, much lighter. A blonde-pink instead of dark brown. And her eyes were lighter, too. It took a moment to click in my head, and I sulked back onto the bed. Seeing Junko Enoshima was better than seeing Francesca, but not by much. I was still annoyed with her.

“What do you want? I don’t really want to talk, least of all with someone like you.”

Junko pouted. “Well, that’s a little rude, don’t you think? I mean, I saved your life, you know? The least you could do is say ‘thank you’, unless you actually wanted to die?”

My lips turned sourly. “Yeah, well. It’s kinda partially your fault I’m in this situation, yeah? I thought general public wasn’t going to get the documentary. And I doubt I would have gotten the bomb Hope’s Peak sent if that documentary wasn’t leaked.”

Junko’s lips met in a thin line. “Wow, reaching much? It’s not like I’m to blame for all your problems, and how was I supposed to know what would happen when I posted it? If anything, I’d blame Hope for everything you went through.” She tossed her hair, looking off to the side. “Geez, and here I was, ready to give you some actual news for once. But if you’re in that bad of a mood…”

That piqued my curiosity. I leaned in. “News? What do you mean, news?”

I was so hooked I didn’t notice the ghastly grin that filled Junko’s face. “Well, I may have just so happened to find a lead on your brother dear you’ve been missing so much. He’s the only person you have left, right?”

“Ah…” I nodded miserably. “Yeah.”

“Wonderful!” Junko walked over to me, helping to prop me up. My legs were a bit unsteady, but otherwise I felt…stronger than I’d felt for a while. “Just walk with me a little bit. The media room is just a little ways down.”

Media room? Ah, maybe she had noticed something on T.V. and wanted my confirmation before acting. That made sense, right?

The walk was short, but the silence between rooms was still awkward. Something about the building we were in made my skin feel like it was running slightly cold. 

“All right, and…here we go.”

Junko se me down, closing the door behind us. Instinctively, I felt myself go on guard. What was she…?

“All right, Izuru. Show our guest what we’ve been working on since his little misadventure took a turn.”

The screens in front of me flickered. The room they depicted was just as dark and impenetrable, but I could see well enough to notice a lone standing figure in the center of the room. They weren’t moving, and they seemed splayed out in an odd position. Then the lights flooded the room, and I let out an involuntary scream.

The figure was very obviously my brother. His hair was grown out longer than usual at this point, and he had small burn scars across his face torso, but it was definitely him. His eyes were blank and unmoving. Now that the lights were on, I could see he was tied in a cross-like position, his arms spread out to the side with his feet stretched down. He looked like he was barely able to breathe in that position. But that position, his burns, even the lifelessness in his eyes…those were the least I was worried about.

Long needles were buried under each of his fingernails, leaving the ends of his fingers looking bloody and infected. How long had they been like that? Parts of his ribs and legs looked bent and twisted, as though they were broken from blunt force. A few of his toes were missing. And the ugliest of all to me were the scars crisscrossing the forearm. I didn’t need to look twice to see they perfectly mirrored the scars that were on my own arm on the still from my concert. For someone to do this…for anyone to do this, was…

“Yu…” I turned to Junko, horror in my eyes. “What…did you do?” The look in Junko’s eyes was back. That horrible, ugly look that made me want to die. 

“Oh, I didn’t do anything at all. You can blame your little brother’s nightmare on a product of Hope’s Peak. Izuru, show yourself for the camera, please.”

A teenage boy stepped in front of the camera, and I found myself floored again. This “Izuru” was a long-haired, moody eyed deviant dressed in a filthy, bloody suit. He didn’t look evil or malicious, just…bored.

“This is Izuru Kamakura, a pet project Hope’s Peak got involved in. He was supposed to be the Ultimate Hope, but honestly, the scientists behind it kind of botched the job. It was so totally easy to bring him to the side of despair, I was honestly kind of shocked.” I shook my head, confused and terrified. Project? Despair? Scientists? What was-

“Oh, right. You probably don’t get all that yet. See, Hope’s Peak had a grand old goal of filling the world with hope by using a single student. Of course, they had to pick from Reserve Course in case it didn’t work out, so they had one of those Hope fanatics sign their life away to try and become the Ultimate Hope. Let’s see, I think this one’s name was…”

“Hajime.” I realized it the more I stared him in the face. His eyes were different, and his hair, but that face was totally recognizable. And the story Junko just told made…too much sense…

“Bingo! Hajime Hinata! Though nobody really cares about that name now, least of all him. He’s just another servant of despair now.”

A servant of…what?

“Despair…why would you want to follow something as stupid as that?”

Junko laughed. “Why? Duh-doy, because hope is super lame. Why believe in something just because you think it’s gonna work out in the end? I mean, you can probably tell me about how well that idea works out.”

I didn’t have a response to that. But it didn’t matter at that point, because before I could have made a response, there was noise from the screens.

“U-uh…L-len…” I moved before I realized it, slamming into the screens.

“Yu!” I shouted fruitlessly, knowing myself that he couldn’t hear me. I turned to Junko. “Wait, please! I’m begging you, this isn’t-“ I stopped, seeing the look on her face. She knew what she was doing.

“Wait! No, please!” My brother’s voice echoed across the screens as he saw Hajime…er, Izuku, walking towards him. In spite of the damage he had already sustained, he was still fighting against his bonds. “Please, let me go home! I wanna see Len! I want my dad! Please! PLEASE!”

“No!” I slammed my hand against the screens as his own screams echoed out. “Stop, please! He’s only eight, Junko. This isn’t fair!”

“Oh, I know it’s not fair,” Junko said dismissively. “But why does that have to matter? The world makes it so things aren’t fair, so why should I?”

I turned back to the screen. Izuku was next to my brother now. Next to him were two instruments: a dagger and a hammer. Picking up the latter, he didn’t even hesitate to slam it into my brother’s shoulder. A sickening crunch rang throughout the speakers, followed by a pathetic wail. Izuru moved down, expertly targeting weak joints, thin parts of bone, anything that would cave and fracture easily. My brother could only sob as his body was wrenched and beat apart, and I was just as helpless.

Once he appeared satisfied, he moved in with the knife, digging into skin. At this point, I had to force myself to look away. The groans, the agonizing screams, followed by the nauseating sounds of squishing, tearing, pulling. Every sound made me feel like I was dying a little more. I lunged against the wall again.

“Stop it! Stop it!” I was beating the screens repeatedly now, forming small cracks along the surface. “That’s my little brother! I have to take him home, he needs me!”

Junko clicked her tongue. “Ah, is that really true? I mean, come on, he wouldn’t even be in this situation if it weren’t for you. If he needed you, would just being your brother have caused him this much harm?”

I turned towards the Fashionista, horrified. “What are you…?”

Junko’s stare held me. Or rather, the look in her eyes was terrifyingly captivating. “I mean, look at your history. All you’ve ever managed to do is cause people who try to get close to you pain. Rin, your dad, and our dear little Yu all suffered for trying to make your idea of hope a reality. Don’t you think this all would have ended so much quicker and easier for them if you had just given up? Let the world swallow you up instead of trying to conquer it? I think you’re lying when you say Yu needs you. Look at what you made yourself just to find him again. It’s pretty obvious that it’s you who needs him.”

I looked at my reflection back in the screen I had shattered. The person looking back…wasn’t an Ultimate Idol. His skin was burned and marred, but also sunken and thin from a lack of care and nutrition. His hair was burnt, shaggy, and clumped. His whole body shook with terror, and fear, and anger. And his eyes were sunken, wild, and filled with that look Junko had given me multiple times. I had never been able to give that look a name, not until now. But those eyes were now so clearly filled with despair, on the brink of insanity.

“And yet, you’re still latching onto hope, huh?” Junko tilted her head as she looked into my eyes. “Why do you Ultimates always become so resilient at the very end? Don’t you think it’s easier to just realize hope isn’t realistic and give in? Don’t you have even just a little bit of that feeling?”

In honesty, I felt completely empty of any feeling. That was, until I heard my brother screaming again. That snapped me out.

“Yu!”

I leapt for the screen again, but a sharp blow sent my flying to the side again. I rolled over to see that Junko stood over me.

“Quit being dumb! You can’t reach your brother, and even if you could, you wouldn’t be able to save him. You can’t make this end quicker, you can’t make it stop. So if you’re going to beg, just go ahead and beg for despair to come and take you already.”

She left me, sobbing against the ground, to resume her seat. The torture lasted for a long time, and I lost track of it. I could only lay there, waiting for it to be over. Waiting for the death to come. Because hope was already gone, right? So the moment that despair finally set in, I could finally relax and…

And nothing, right? After Yu was gone, there was nothing left for me. I had nothing to go to, nothing I wanted to do with my life. If this was where I was, then the world, everything inside of it, everyone was going to be worthless. That was it. Life was just…worthless, now. And that was when I realized that the feeling had already overcome me.

Despair isn’t a mindset that happens from just one event happening. Sure, the breaking point can be a single event, but the despair itself is something that develops slowly, over time. When had I first started receiving this feeling? Was it when I submitted to Francesca after counseling, when I started at Hope’s Peak, or when I had first realized I had to give a part of myself up to be an idol? Or had it been even sometime before that? All this time, my fighting and working to keep this feeling away, to find a new way to give myself hope had all ended in just more misery, more despair to have to fight against. Finally, I was just too exhausted. I had lost too much. Hope…just wasn’t worth it anymore.

At some point my sobbing became laughter. Even when the screams stopped, and there was nothing left on the screen but a lingering view of my brother’s mangled body being propped up. He was either dead or almost there, but I didn’t even look to check. Because if he was alive…that was just more hope to end up getting crushed, in the end. The thought of such a thing existing made me want to throw up. At this point, it was just easier to accept that my worst despair had been realized. Junko leaned down next to me, grinning broadly.

“Hey, Len. Do you mind if I ask a question?” 

I laughed, a quick and harsh bark. This crazy…psychopathic…I smiled instead of trying to tear her head off. “Go ahead.” 

“This feeling of despair…don’t you want others to feel it?”

Others? Of course I did. Namely, the people who put me in this place to begin with, but I somehow doubted that was what Junko meant. I nodded.

“Awesome! I think…we can become very good friends if that’s the case. Come on, follow me out.”

Junko lead me from the room, out to a grander lobby where a few people sat. Izuru was there, now in a fresh suit with no blood on it. Next to him was a girl who had a similar face to Junko’s, but with suspicious eyes that appraised me sharply and much shorter, dark hair. Sitting down around them were…some of my old classmates. As I looked at them, I realized they all had the same look in their eyes that I had seen in Junko’s and my own. Fuyuhiko, Komaeda, Ibuki, Akane, Mikan, Peko, and Teruteru…they were all here, all with that same look. The look of despair.

“Say hello to my newest member in the group of Ultimate Despairs!” My old classmates grinned broadly. I smiled in return. Junko squealed, spinning around me in a wildly uncoordinated dance.

“I think…we are going to make so many good memories together!”

***

My mind was empty. I felt like there was nothing left inside me. Was…I going to die? 

My body was only pain. I couldn’t move my hands, or my legs, and trying to move my body made me feel like I was on fire. That monster looking like a human who beat and cut me hadn’t let up on a single part of my body. Even my eyes…he had made them his last target, and that was what had caused me to finally lose consciousness. Desperate, I used the only part of my body that wasn’t flared with pain when I moved it. 

“Len…big brother, please…” I croaked out, but it barely registered even in my own ears. There was…no way my brother could hear it, no matter how close he was. I could only feel myself wallow in the darkness as my life continued to drain away. Maybe that Junko lady was right, the day this first started…there was no hope left for me.

Faintly, I heard pounding footsteps behind me. Pounding…that meant it wasn’t the monster, right? He was always slow and methodical. I felt pressure loosen around my wrists, and I dropped to the ground, feeling my leg twist under me. Thankfully, I had already lost sensation there.

“Oh! I’m so sorry, Yu.” That voice…it was familiar. A guy’s voice, but it wasn’t my big brother. Who…?

The ropes around my feet were cut next, relieving the awkward position I was in. I felt myself being scooped up.

“It’s all right, Yu, just relax. You’re going to live, okay? You’ll live.” His voice was getting fainter, but even I could tell he was having trouble believing his own words. I was really tired. Sleepily, I waved my hand in the air, trying to direct him.

“Want…Len. Big…bro…ther…” 

I faded away.


	15. Deadly School Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life as a Despair doesn't have it's ups and downs. You're either always up or always down, and the interpretation is up to whoever you ask. Myself, I think it's a pain, in the most wonderful way possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just as a fair warning, this chapter as well as the next two are basically Len and his classmates living as the Ultimate Despairs. If that ain't your tea, I'd advise kicking back until chapter 18.

Junko wanted me to return to Hope’s Peak Academy in order to continue the plan of despair she intended to bring about. I didn’t really care enough to have any objections. It was more like I just figured it would all end up being a pain, which it was. The moment Len Kagamine revealed himself back to the world, media and social outlets exploded trying to talk to me. 

“How are you holding up, Len?”

“What can you tell us about your family?”

“Do you have any words for Hope’s Peak Academy?”

“Do you know what happened, or why?”

“How do you intend to move on?”

It was too much trouble to answer every question thrown at me, so I just played the recluse most of the time. Privately, doctors connected to Hope’s Peak tried operating on me to “fix” what the past month and a half had done to me. My skin was “nourished” and “revitalized” to their best possible ability, and the scars they had to wait for time to heal were altered to become more attractive on stage and in public. They pumped nutrients back into my body to fill me out again, but limited them somewhat. Apparently a healthy level of malnourishment gave you abs, and who knew when that might be useful, hmm? They even trimmed and fashioned my hair to fix the parts that were too mangled or burned to be usable. Their feigned concern and worry was so predictable and annoying that I almost wanted to blow the cover Junko had given me then and there to show them a taste of despair. But…that had to wait, right?

Doctors and psychiatrists followed my whims pretty simply, to the point of almost being amusing. Acting out emotions made them easy to control and manipulate, getting them to force reporters out if they pushed too far, and even browbeat some policemen who asked a question I would be uncomfortable with. Junko was right; trying to play up to people sucked, but when you became the puppet master, it was so easy to see where everyone would allow you to manipulate them. And for her cases, that was so much the better.

Questions about my family stopped abruptly enough. Everyone already knew about Rin and my dad, so the account I gave matched up reliably with what they already knew. I got sickening amounts of sympathy for Rin’s sacrifice, but I didn’t want to hear it. Wallowing in the knowledge that she was gone was more comfortable than hearing about how amazing she was or how much she loved me, anyways. When people asked about Yu, I simply responded bluntly that he was dead, and that I couldn’t save him. That was close enough to the truth that it didn’t have to be a particularly creative deception. Nobody questioned me further after that.

Jin Kirigiri refused to speak to me. Which was fine, since I didn’t want to talk to him either. It would be too much of a bother to try to keep up a front when talking to him, anyways. Since my home and family were now part of ground zero, I housed with my new manager, Kaito. Talking to him was a bother, too. He always tried to bring up Rin and our relationship in boring and cliched ways, probably trying to give me some sort of purpose or reason now that she was gone. It was almost comical how little he realized I had actually changed.

“You know, Rin…really admired how strong you were always able to be. How much you were willing to take upon yourself to keep others from trouble.” His calm blue stare did its absolute best to see pierce me, but I gave him nothing. What did he even want to accomplish, talking like this? Talking about the dead like this, trying to achieve sympathy through memories…it was completely pointless.

“Yeah, I’m sure that she, dad, and Yu are all looking down on me super proud and happy after my “strength” got them all killed. Wouldn’t that just be a happy dream?” Kaito frowned at me.

“Len, if the account you gave is right, Rin gave her life to save you. And by all accounts, she did love you greatly. I don’t see any reason why she would hold anything against you in the afterlife, if one believes in such things.”

I chose not to respond. Kaito sighed, rummaging through a collection of papers.

“Here. Rin would have wanted you to have this.” For someone who wasn’t Rin, he seemed to say and do a lot of things on her behalf. I wondered how much was truly presumption and how much was him just being an idiot. 

The paper he handed me was a song. There were tiny hearts dotted across the top, and the names across the top were scrawled: “Kagamine Rin and Len.” That alone was almost enough to nearly break the façade. The reminder that the one person I had feelings for in this world was nothing more than a memory now gave off a despair high that almost made me burst out in giddy laughter. Seeing what could have been, had I not dared to hope for so much…it was like a knife being twisted inside my stomach in the best of ways. The song itself was titled “Bring it On”.

“Rin wrote this just a little before her passing.” Kaito said somberly, as if I didn’t already understand how delightfully painful this scrap of paper was. “She wanted to sing a duet with you once…you felt you could overcome everything. It’s supposed to be a song about facing the world, no matter what trials you have to face. Rin felt it embodied the two of you perfectly.”

 _And now that the half that kept me standing is gone, the song rings even more hollow._ I thought to myself. Such a thing as this…truly was worthless. 

Kaito and I talked a while more about plans for the future, songs I might want to sing. I kept my darkest ideas to myself. Those would be best suited for a later time, after all. For now, I went with what Kaito would expect from a troubled, darkened teen who would want to vent his frustrations and emotions. Nevertheless, he still looked troubled when he took his leave. He paused at the door, turning to me.

“Len…about Yu. I shouldn't say, but I feel you ought to know that-“ he stopped himself as he looked in my eyes. Maybe I had accidentally let something into them that turned him away, or maybe he just decided better of himself. Either way, he didn’t continue. “Sorry. You…have my condolences, is all.”

He walked away looking perturbed. I sighed to myself in response.

“Really, what a worthless guy.” I crumpled up the song he had given me and tossed it into my bag.

But...for some reason, I didn’t throw it away.

  
***

  
Classes at Hope’s Peak were a pain, too. All the talk about hope, how much it could abound from the events of the past few months, how gifted we all were to see I progress in our lives…it was sickening. Our teacher had to be the dullest person on the face of the planet to not realize that half his class was full of people who were entrenched in despair, but I was happy for that. It made it so much easier to help get the rest of our classmates closer to Junko. She was able to work her magic flawlessly behind the scenes, breaking people in their own intimate and personal ways. Nekomaru being reminded of all his worst failures and inability to help his classmates in meaningful ways, Mahiru realizing what all her advice and coverups had led to, Kazuichi being broken down from his "tough" persona back into the terrorized crybaby he always really was. By the time the second year was half-over, the entire class had fallen to despair. And our teacher was none the wiser.

Around that time, I got a letter from Junko in my locker. In it were simple instructions, followed by an address and four names:

Francesca Allbright

Gackpo Kamui

Yato Harukawa

[name redacted] (Steering Committee)

_…tonight. 7:30 P.M. Broadcast is already set up._

I marveled at the Ultimate Fashionista. If the instructions she had written down were correct, and everything was fully planned out already, then she truly was a mastermind of the highest order. The third name down almost made me laugh. I had seen it so much, and still seeing it made me have to think about who it was talking about. I rarely used the name myself, but it was the name of my previous manager. Along with the other three…if these were the people, then I couldn’t wait to carry through with her plan.

The address was the same place I had stayed when Junko had kept me alive and turned me to despair. It was a massive warehouse, someplace that Junko had apparently made her own personal “Despair HQ”. It was also where a lot of my classmates settled after classes had ended, working with Junko to formulate different mechanisms, plans, and theories to help maximize her plan of throwing the world into despair. Kazuichi had his own department to create machines and robots that would help bring about mass chaos and despair; Gundam similarly had his own area of training animals to pursue the exact same outcome. Sonia, Fuyuhiko, the Ultimate Imposter, and Izuru took up a meeting room to spell out plots and international schemes that could be undergone, and Mahiru, Ibuki, Hiyoko and I had access to media rooms for concerts and displays that could evoke major feelings of despair.

Tonight, however, I had control over part of Kazuichi’s department. It was the biggest part of the warehouse by far, and I needed that to do what Junko was asking of me. The layout for tonight’s game was fairly simple; there were four raised platforms at the maximum height of the warehouse. There, four individuals were restrained, naked except for a hood covering their heads for their reveal. On a lower-level platform to the side was a broadcast station that had already been set up; at 7:30, it would send out a signal that would override all major networks and stations, as well as negating external stimuli for the system. In short, people would be forced to watch the broadcast, and couldn’t change channels or turn the power off. 

I myself was dressed in a sort of costume, if you could call it that. It mostly comprised of a black body suit that completely obscured any of my characteristics, topped with a sort of bear-head costume. It was black on one side and white on the other, with a toothy grin and red eye bringing a sinister appearance to the black side. There was also a device inside of it that made my voice sound different, a nice touch on Junko’s part. I recited my lines in my head as took my place on my side of the stage, at the bottom of the floor. My chest was tight with anticipation. This was so…exciting!

Light flooded the room, and I couldn’t help but gasp in excitement. It was time!

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to…Monokuma’s Sideshow Killing Game!” My voice was higher and sillier than I had anticipated. Right off the bat, I was starting off with a sort of despair; that this would be forever the way I remembered my first gift of despair to the world.

I checked the broadcast signal off to the side. It confirmed that every television in Japan (we didn’t have worldwide coverage yet) was seeing this broadcast, alongside a fair number of outside viewing sources. Was Japanese television particularly popular outside of Japan? 

The contestants at the peak of the building began struggling and squirming again as they realized the game was about to begin. Did they realize just how much trouble they were in? 

“First off, let’s introduce the contestants!”

The first hood was pulled off. “The Ultimate Disciplinary, Francesca Allbright!” The contestants weren’t blindfolded, but they were all gagged with giant rubber balls that strapped around their head. It was amusing to see my former torturer try to shake the thing off. She knew how it worked, so didn’t she know that it didn’t work like that…? I had to admit, a certain thrill went through my chest seeing her struggle. It was…fascinating. 

“Next, the Ultimate Exotic Dancer, Gackpo Kamui!” Compared to Francesca’s fighting, Gackpo was relatively demure. He simply stared straight ahead, his pupils dilated and his breath heaving and labored. I remembered that he had probably gone through the same breaking that I had under Francesca. Maybe, in his last moments, he could be turned to despair, too.

“Next…ah, who cares about next, I’m bored already!” Junko had obviously been in one of her fits of boredom while writing this. I imagined she was just writing down what was on her mind at this point. The last two hoods were pulled off. “It’s a member of the Steering Committee and a big-time Idol Manager. Big deal!”

Music began to ring throughout the warehouse. That was the signal to get the killing game started. “All right, viewing audience! It’s time for you to decide these contestant’s fate!” The victims of the game stopped, staring at the camera in complete confusion. That was short-lived, however, before they immediately started up again, fighting and begging towards the camera.

“As some of you may have noticed, you’re completely unable to move away from this specific broadcast. Volume and channel buttons not working? Well, they’re not supposed to, idiots!” I almost laughed at how brazenly annoying I sounded. This was a blast.

“These buttons are, in fact, to be used for your “voting time”. One by one, you’ll vote for a contestant here to become blackened. When that happens…it’s punishment time! I’m sure you all can understand what that means, right?”

Next to the broadcast display, a feedback moniter began rolling with comments from the audience.

“Punishment time?”

“Killing game?”

“Does he mean…execution?!”

I laughed. “Yippee! A right answer! Yup, yup! If you vote for a blackened, you’re gonna get them executed and stuff, isn’t that great? Now, without further ado, have at it! It’s Voting Time!”

It was astounding how many people didn’t hesitate to start voting. As I guessed, Francesca and Gackpo got very few votes initially. Most of the votes were diverged between my manager and the member of the Steering Committee. That was what Junko had said would happen, so I moved on to my next line.

“…by the way, I’m sure you’ve all heard of the Steering Committee by now?” The man stopped struggling again, staring down at me with an astounded look on his face. “You know, the people behind the goings-on at Hope’s Peak? I wonder if they have a singular member behind all the coverups that have been happening. Wouldn’t it be something to give someone like that a piece of your mind?”

The numbers for the Steering Committee member skyrocketed. 

I laughed, but the sound came out more as a “puhuhuhu!” across the distorter. “Wow, that made up a lot of minds! Just a little more…come on, baby, just give me a little…more…!” The Committee member’s line turned bright red.

“Yahoo! That’s it, folks! Time for the first…Punishment time!” The three platforms belonging to my manager, Francesca, and Gackpo all retreated. Sitting out in the open, the Steering Committee member struggled uselessly against his bonds. 

“Where will the Punishment come from? What is the Punishment? Even I don’t know! It’s-“

I was interrupted by a baseball bat swinging out from a contraption behind the member’s head. It slammed into his face repeatedly, eliciting groans of pain as he was abused again and again. Knowing what happened with his sister, I imagined this was referencing the cover up of Fuyuhiko’s and Mahiru’s struggles. Once more behind him, a scalpel and needle rose up over his head. Wasting no time, they plunged themselves into his brain, working themselves in and out. That would reference Izuru, right? The cries he gave off…awoke something inside me. Now I was crying out too, in full-on despair. 

Then he blew up. Or rather, his face did. The rest of his body remained on full display, rapidly draining blood as it slumped to the side. That one, I was more than familiar with. The recurring memory only added to the feeling of-

“Despaaair!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. “Have you ever seen such a riveting display? Come on, come on! Who’s next?”

The answer, of course, would be my manager. I didn’t even have time to say anything before his line went red as well. 

“Geez, guess being unpopular really has its draws, huh?” I taunted. My manager glared down at me, which only made me feel more brazen. I opted to rub it in his face. “Guess you didn’t 'do what you needed to' in order to stay in the game. Whoops!”

My manger’s punishment was relatively straightforward, but nonetheless exhilarating because of it. A rotating machine with iron balls attached to it rotated slowly in front of him. They gradually began to pick up speed as the neared his face, and he made a garbled, strangled sound as he tried to push away. Quickly enough, they were spinning around at a blazing speed, finally getting close enough to make contact with his face. As soon as they started, another set moved into place around his gut/pelvis area, brutalizing him in two areas.

It was immensely satisfying watching the iron balls tear his face and body apart. Before the buzzer rang him out to be dead, the machine near his face rotated, spun, and extended a single iron ball out. Like a slingshot, it slammed back in the opposite direction with rapid power, colliding powerfully with my manager’s head, which burst like a ripe watermelon.

“Two down!” My voice had changed a little bit now. Instead of sounding cheerful and innocent, there was a rasp there now. I was hungry, I realized. I was hungry to see so much more despair. This feeling, watching the despair I felt so keenly be brought onto other people, was like a high. The most dazzling, starry feeling I'd ever felt before.

Francesca and Gackpo were brought out again. By this point, Gackpo was a sobbing mess, and had even soiled himself. Francesca was just…staring off into space. I wondered if I had broken her by having her watch this go on. I certainly hoped I had. 

“All right, it’s time for the final round! The Ultimate Disciplinary against the Ultimate Exotic Dancer! Commenters, please make your arguments! We’ll broadcast them live for the home viewers!”

At this point, the feedback system was a madhouse.

“Francesca is a witch! I can’t tell you how many people she’s ruined with her discipline techniques. My husband will never be the same again!”

“Gackpo had his way with me and three of my friends! He’s a vile slut that deserves to die!”

As I watched the comments go by, an idea surfaced in my head. Using a mechanical lift to rise up level to the contestants, I made my way over to Gackpo and unhooked the gag around his mouth.

“Hey, Gackpo. Why don’t you show all these viewers at home how happy you are to be reunited with your Ultimate Disciplinary again, hmmmm?”

Gackpo performed even better than I expected him to. His eyes finally filled with clarity as he looked over to Francesca, and then immediately spaced out as he reeled away, screaming at the tops of his lungs.

“No! Please, no more! I promised I’d be good, and serve whoever asked me, right? I did it, I did, I swear! Please, leave me alone!” He didn’t even seem to realize she was in a similar situation to his own.

The feedback became a bit confused. People started asking questions. The numbers for Francesca surged forward slowly.

“Oh, yeah, did I forget to tell you all? Francesca trained up Gackpo all nice to be a sex toy at Hope’s Peak’s behest. Poor Gack here’s as broken as an old record player thanks to her, puhuhuhu!”

Francesca screamed behind her gag as she shook her head. Her eyes filled up with tears. I continued laughing as her score trekked onward, up and up and up…

It flashed red.

I buckled the gag back around Gackpo as we lowered down together onto the floor. What happened next was brutality on a level I had never seen before.

Some sort of mechanism was inserted into Francesca from the rear. It had a sort of hammering function that slammed into her repeatedly as it traveled on further in. I stared, fascinated as her sounds ranged from terrified discomfort to tense pleasure, and then to grunts of pain as the machine went further in. And still, it kept pounding further on. I began to see streaks of red, hear tears of skin as the machine went too far, too wide for it to be normal or healthy. Francesca began screaming behind the gag. 

RIIIIP

It was a slow, agonizing, and despairful death. I watched in awe as she struggled helplessly, begging for the end. And yet the mechanism continued to hammer and tear her apart, until the only thing left keeping her moving was the machine itself. Eventually, it died down with a pathetic whir, and slick sounds and squishes echoed through the room as it extricated itself from Francesca’s body. By the time she had managed to die, it had burrowed through half of her torso. Fresh blood and intestines spilled out from where she had been impaled. 

“Wooow.” I couldn’t keep the trembling awe out of my voice. “That was so…despairful.” Was that a word? It probably wasn’t, but I was keeping it anyways. “I don’t think anything can top that, do you? But hey, just for fun, what do you all think we should do with poor, broken Gack here? Keep him, or let him go? I’ll just have my fun with him while you decide.”

Gackpo was laying on the ground now, his platform having risen back up to join the rest. He was sobbing, desperately humping across the floor to get away from me. 

“No, no. Not yet, little Gack.” I weighed on top of him, straddling him as I pushed him against the floor. Looking up, I realized we were right beneath the mechanism we had started at. An idea hatched.

“We aren’t leaving until you get the thing you want the most, yeah?” I traced my hand down his chest, his abdomen, down to his dick. He groaned as I lightly traced it.

“Oh, you make such good sounds when I go there,” I murmured. “Franny really taught you well, hm? You’re doing so good for me.” Gackpo flushed and keened at the praise. Francesca really had completely broken him. It didn’t take long at all for him to get hard.

“Let’s see what the poll says here, hm?” I looked off to the side of the feedback station. “Punishment Time” was outlined in red. 

The real world was harsh.

“Well, we’ll leave that for later. Now, let’s see what our reward for winning is.” Without Gackpo noticing, I reached behind my back and clicked a button. He didn’t hear the release lever began to initiate. From there, it would be about a minute before the platform raised above us was set to release completely into freefall.

“Come on, Gack. Show me how good of a boy you are.” I pumped my hand against his member, drinking in his anguished, moaning sounds as he helplessly tried to push himself further. This feeling, both of pleasure and knowing what was about to happen…the perverseness of it all was a thrill. I grinned broadly down at my victim.

“Come on, Gack. You’ll have to do better than that if you really want it.” Thirty seconds.

Gackpo groaned and pled, pushing himself against my hand. His eyes and dick were both leaking streams of fluid. Fifteen seconds. 

I stopped moving my hand. Gackpo screamed, humping furiously against it in order to achieve some form of release. He didn’t hear the release switch fully activate, or see the platform begin to fall. I moved slightly out of the way, keeping my hand firmly planted. His only focus was on it, staring furiously as he got closer, closer, to finally-

Gack screamed as he neared the very edge of release. He pushed his hips in hard, one last time, in the same moment as the platform slammed into his head, crushing it completely. His body spasmed in response, and something must have contracted down in his genitalia because a hot stream of semen erupted from the head of his penis. 

“Woah!” I was left breathless by the display. “Gackpo managed to get off even after dying, huh? That’s really impressive!”

A part of me wondered if he had felt even a little bit of that release. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted him to have felt it or not, honestly. It seemed so fucked up either way, I could have gone with it. Satisfied, I switched the broadcast off. The media was going to have a field day tonight. I changed out of my costume in the middle of the floor; after all, there was no need for modesty at this point. Seeing all of that, and especially the stuff at the end had left me rock-hard. I rubbed out over Gackpo's body, moaning out words of despair as I came. This sort of game...was truly magical.

The last part of the instructions was to burn everything; the bodies, restraining equipment, even the Monokuma costume. I would also completely sanitize all the mechanisms, making absolutely sure nothing could come up if they were thoroughly examined. I had already let Kaito know I wouldn’t be home tonight, since I was going to sleep over at Nagito’s place instead with some of the other guys. If the police even got suspicious of me in particular, they were all ready to back me up with an alibi. After all, what else could Ultimate Despairs rely on each other for?

The media did have a field day indeed with the Sideshow Killing Game. Speculation was cast as to who the mysterious Monokuma could be, and if they were tied to some other despair-related antics showing up in recent history around Hope’s Peak. Kaito and I watched the entirety of the news coverage together. When he looked at me, I saw in his eyes that he knew. I could have killed him there if I wanted to. I knew he cared too much about me to kill me himself, especially just off of an educated guess. Instead, I simply absorbed his excuse of running to the hospital to make sure an acquaintance of his was going to be all right. I felt certain when he left that I was simply never going to see him again.

Oddly enough, there was little mourning for the people who died. I suppose the general public and media was okay with the idea of people like that dying.

I was called into Hope’s Peak office a few days later. For the first time since he had been involved in my “therapy”, Jin Kirigiri acknowledged my existence.

“Len, I’m here because I want to ask about that awful Killing Game business that occurred recently. You know what I’m talking about, right?”

I faked a shudder, recalling the incident. “Of course I do. I was staying over at Nagito’s when it happened, and we were forced to watch the entire thing. It was…a complete nightmare.”

The headmaster nodded. “I see. Well, I waned to ask you specifically about hw you knew the victims. I understand Miss Francesca was involved in your therapy, correct? And that Harukawa was your manager before you changed over to Kaito.” 

I smiled thinly. “Yes, sir. And don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t exactly mourn either of their deaths.”

“And Gackpo Kamui,” Jin continued. “Your classmates said you named him as one of the people who…assaulted you, correct?” My smile thinned into a grimace. I could tell the headmaster was suspicious of me, at the very least.

“Yes.”

Kirigiri folded his arms. He looked like he was trying to be a detective, which was a laughable idea for a school headmaster.

“Len, please understand that I mean no disrespect when I say this. But having had so many people directly related to you…gone in such a short period of time concerns me. Is there something you need to tell me?”

He was peering at me suspiciously. Incredibly suspiciously. That was enough for me. I dropped the façade around my face, looking deep into his eyes.

“Headmaster, have you ever lost someone close to you? And not someone you left behind to do this, someone you had torn from you for no other reason than because someone else thought it was necessary.”

Kirigiri looked away. 

“I watched the three closest people to me die. For my dad and Rin, it was quick. For Yu, I had to see it drawn out, bit by bit.” I leaned in close, staring him in the eyes. “I hoped for so many days that I could save him. Even when I knew he was going to die, I hoped. And then, I realized that wasn’t doing a damned thing. Look into my eyes. What do you see now?”

The headmaster’s face was completely pale. He knew what the look in my eyes was. He knew what I was now. But he also knew that he couldn’t act on it, because he had no way of damning me. That was the real kicker. The traces of despair, buried in his own eyes...that made me smile more than anything else. I turned away from him, walking out.

“That’s all I have to tell you, headmaster. Anything else, you can believe for yourself.”

A few days later, a video leaked showing a slaughter of Class 77-A by Izuru Kamakura. Of course, by this point everyone knew who that was and why he existed. Protests rang throughout the school. Jin Kirigiri announced that Hope’s Peak would be shutting down at the end of the year, indefinitely. In that manifesto, he announced his suspicion of a group of Ultimate Despairs having infiltrated the school. But it was too little, too late. By that point, we were already making our moves, solidifying our influences. Junko's plan was being set in motion flawlessly.

Despair was finally beginning to reign.


	16. Tragedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ultimate Despairs are banding together to begin the Biggest, Baddest, most Awful even in human history. The Tragedy is about to strike, and we are primed and ready.

The Reserve Course students were in an absolute state, but that only made sense at this point. The past few months had basically comprised of them being told their main reason for living was a corrupt, greed-filled corporation that covered up the tragedies and horrors that befell its students with no real care for them as people. They had slowly begun to lose faith and hope for their future, especially after the academy had announced its eminent closing. And now, instead of their teacher entering their classroom to instruct them (he was currently either bleeding out or dead in a nearby storage closet), they were being confronted by four second-year students of Hope’s Peak Academy. Fuyuhiko, Mahiru, Izuru and I all faced them, either smiling or stoic in the face of their torrent of questions.

“What are you all doing here?”

“Where’s our teacher?”

“What’s going on at Hope’s Peak?”

“Hey, you guys were involved in the stuff Hope’s Peak covered up, yeah?”

“Why all the secrecy? What is Hope’s Peak doing?”

Mahiru, Fuyuhiko and I all simply smiled and turned to Izuru. Unfortunately, Junko wasn’t here to keep things under her own control; Hope’s Peak had basically quarantined class 78, deciding that they at least were clean from despair and safe to keep from whatever was going on outside. The despairing irony of that line of reasoning was delicious. But due to that, as per Junko’s instructions, this was Izuru’s show. He knew the best way to get these people shaken up, after all. We were just here to watch and mediate, if necessary.

“Honestly, you’re reacting exactly the way we expected to you. How absolutely boring.”

The room went quiet as the students all stared at Izuru. Apparently, they hadn’t realized he was there.

“H-hey…you’re the guy who slaughtered class 77-A, right?” One of the boys near the front stepped forward, eyes wide with terror. “Don’t tell me…it’s another killing game, right?”

Izuru scoffed disdainfully. “Of course not. First of all, I was instructed not to harm any of you. It would defeat the purpose if I did. And anyways, me harming you would accomplish nothing. Class 77 brought despair to the world through their deaths. You being brought harm wouldn’t cause nearly a similar reaction. You’re all practically worthless, after all.”

I smirked at Izuru’s brutality.

“Hey, fuck you!” A girl near the back shouted. “Who are you to tell us whether or not we’re worth something?”

Izuru tilted his head. “I’m Izuru Kamakura, the Ultimate Talent. Or, as you would recognize me…that name would be Hajime Hinata.”

A few of the students reacted to that. The lead boy tilted his head. “Hajime…? But, what…how? And what does that have to do with us being-?”

Izuru interrupted him, obviously already bored. “The two questions are the same, really. Or do you all not know what the Reserve Course is actually supposed to be about?”

Silence once again.

Izuru sighed and clicked on the computer behind him. A screen was displayed at the front of the classroom, and the computer booted up to display screenshots of release waivers, one by one. Each had a different student’s name on it, followed by a series of instructions, precautions and assertions to inform the signees of what to expect. At the bottom of the paper was a signature for a parent or guardian, but none for the actual students in question. The title at the top of the form was “Kamakura project Release Waiver”.

“Each and every one of you was admitted as per your parents’ desire to see you transformed into the Ultimate Hope. All of you were signed away with the full expectation...or hope, even, that your personality, identity, and sense of self would be fully replaced by that of Izuru Kamakura. In short, those closest to you sold you away with the full expectation and desire to lose all of who you are forever. That is what I mean when I say causing you harm would serve no purpose, especially now that the project has been resolved as a failure.”

As I expected, the assertion was left with plenty of opposition. The boy at the front continued to protest. “There’s no way this is true. I mean, my parents…they wouldn’t…” His eyes simply stared as he saw the pages flash across the screen. “And…what about the time we spent at Hope’s Peak? What was all that?”

Izuru answered again. “All that was simply preparation to see who would best act as a vessel to Izuru Kamakura. Exercises to build hope, ascertain talent, analyze abilities…all those were tests to see who best lined up with their requirements. Students who best filled them were put on a fast track to enter into the project.”

“Students…as in, plural?” The lead student looked on with terror in his eyes. “So…you weren’t the first, then.”

For the first time, I saw Izuru smile. It was a ghastly look. “Of course not. I could tell you how many times they botched it, how many students I saw reduced to a vegetative state. I could even tell you that they pondered scrapping the whole class and starting over from scratch. Who knows, they may make yet another cover-up to keep the Kamakura Project under wraps.”

I smirked again. Izuru’s terror-striking was truly evil.

“So…what do we do now?” Izuru shrugged. 

“Like I said, I doubt anyone cares. Riot in the streets, jump off a building, leave and do something else…it doesn’t really matter, does it? Like I said, you’re all worthless enough that it won’t affect anyone what you do.”

“Leave and do something else? What would we even do? Getting into Hope’s Peak, finding success in our lives…that was the only thing we had to live for! We don’t have anything else.”

Fuyuhiko barked a laugh. “Then kill yourself, shithead. If you’re still worthlessly asking us to do, it’s just a result of how weak and helpless you all really are.”

“Really, people like you asking Ultimates for help all the time…don’t you think that’s what makes you so unworthy of what you’re asking for?” Mahiru scoffed. “Geez, it’s no wonder you guys are totally hopeless.”

“Honestly, it’s not like it matters either way,” I said condescendingly. “I mean, the way the world’s going right now, don’t you think your lives are doomed anyways? If anything, this is an opportunity to join the fun or leave before it gets worse.”

“If you truly have no options, at least muster up the courage to do the only thing you have left.” Izuru sneered. “Don’t ask us anymore, and stop being so worthlessly boring. This is your decision to make now.”

The room became deathly still. The boy leading the students stared straight ahead, eyes wide and dilated as his body trembled. It seemed they would all just be frozen, completely unwilling to move one way or the other. Quietly, I raised my hands up to cover the grin on my mouth. Whatever was about to happen...that would outline the path of despair from here on out. The world would be forced to see this, forced to react and acknowledge it. And depending on what happened, that reaction could effect the entire Tragedy.

The boy ran forward. At first it seemed he was running towards Izuru- a suicidal tactic- but he veered off to the side at the last second, running headlong towards the window leading out to open air.

The classroom was at the very top of the building, several stories high. There was nothing below but hardened concrete. Survival chances at this point were negligible. Still, the boy’s laughter as he leapt through the window echoed out long after he had slammed into the concrete below.

The tension broke.

I watched in utter amazement as the Reserve Course stampeded towards the window. None of them hesitated. None of them had a second thought. Screams of laughter, despair, anger, and defiance rang in a chorus as they leapt from the building. Sickening crunches, sometimes screams of pain as some died slower than others echoed out. And still, they leapt.

As the four of us walked out of the student building, the ground was littered with bodies, the concrete of the school grounds stained permanently red. I grinned, thrilled with the atmosphere of despair and perfect conclusion to this pivotal moment. This was something the entire world would see, a concept that all would soon be acquainted with. 

The Tragedy was truly on its warpath.

***

After the quarantine of class 78, the Ultimate Despairs were given less than a year to fully transform the world before Junko’s game began. She could only monitor our progress from Hope’s Peak instead of giving any input or encouragement, but that suited us just fine. In spite of popular belief that persisted after we revealed ourselves as Ultimate Despairs, none of us were particularly fond of Junko herself. Nagito openly expressed his outright hatred of her, while Izuru often appeared annoyed by her. Gundham, Fuyuhiko, Nekomaru and I all existed somewhere along the spectrum of disdain as well, often having antagonistic relationships with her. We were all after the common goal of despair, but that didn’t mean we all had to love the person who had brought us to that mindset. We all preferred to work independently of her, instead partnering together for our projects of Despair.

As Ultimate Despairs, we had to work in the background until the world was convinced of our point of view. Sonia and the Ultimate Imposter worked together to strain international relations and forge videos and statements that put countries at each other’s throats. Teruteru sometimes worked with them, creating dishes and culinary masterpieces for international feasts that often went haywire in some way or another save for one member of his feasts, casting suspicion on their country for such actions. Fuyuhiko, Peko, Akane and Nekomaru took to the streets, creating riots and brawls in major cities that often resulted in displacements of public influencers and figureheads. And of course, those removals often facilitated even further chaos and outrage.

As the world became a darker and harder place to live in, Fuyhiko and Gundham kicked in with their projects. Mechanical bears razed towns and cities, wreaking havoc and despair. Hiyoko, Mahiru, Ibuki and I performed concerts and created propaganda that supported ideas of chaos. Izuru and Nagito were twin powers of despair that worked flawlessly together; Izuru used his talent and natural proficiency to effortlessly produce despair among the people, while Nagito’s luck tipped the scales of chance towards the absolutely most despairing opportunities. Meanwhile, Mikan kept mostly to herself; she merely asked for test subjects and lab rats, and would then retreat for weeks without so much as a word. When she came forth with a new disease spread that could influence people’s minds, I suddenly felt just a little sorry for the people she had experimented on.

Just a little.

I walked out onto a stage out in a city we hadn’t touched yet. Kazuichi had worked wonders on national and international media, being able to disrupt the vast majority of updates about how despair was spreading and who was involved. Because of that, most places I visited expected an earnest former Hope’s Peak student trying to spread Hope in a world that was senselessly crumbling into despair. The fact that I offered it free of charge certainly helped. But they didn’t really expect the Len Kagamine that came onto stage now.

Even if I was still disguising as a proponent of Hope, I had completely shed my old appearance of an innocent high schooler at this point. After all, everybody knew at least that I wasn’t innocent anymore. As such, my aesthetic had changed completely. I strutted out on stage in a black, open-chested and sleeveless vest with black pants that were ripped and torn along the knee and sides. Black, fingerless gloves covered my hands, but the burns and scars on my forearm were on full display. Around my neck was a dark choker that had a repeating symbol that looked like jagged red. To someone who knew what was going on in the streets of Japan, that would be easily recognizable as a Monokuma eye. The only holdover I had from my original costume was the headphones, now tattered and loosely fit around my head.

My songs and audience were completely different, too. Instead of starry-eyed teenagers clamoring for ideas of hope and romance, I appealed to those normally shut-in and downtrodden. My songs welcomed those from the slums, the crack houses, the whorehouses…anywhere people looked down on someone for being who they were. 

“Law Evading Rock” was a popular new hit of mine as a result. Singing about embracing those aspects, fighting back against those systems, and letting the depravity overflow into death made the audiences go wild. It ridiculed the idea of hoping for passive change from people who controlled our circumstances, and many of my fans commented they believed it was better to die than believe in that false hope. And it all worked like a charm. Even before I gave my speech, they already seemed like they were ready to go riot in the streets. 

The crowd I spoke to now loved hearing about how I was raised. Speaking out on my history living around whores and drunkards really brought them out in full force. Talking about how much revolution the world needed had them surging in the stands. And when I called for us to make a change, to take our cities and towns by force to change the world from the false hope it always gave us…

The riots were always the biggest thrill of my concerts, especially after Mikan released her “Despair Disease” formula. It was fascinating to see how many people joined in full-force, and how ready they were for such mass destruction. Sometimes all it took was a hint from me about how a politician or businessman’s home was nearby, and all I had to do was wait to hear the wails and screams as rioters would have their way doing whatever they wished to them. Security was often terrible, as local police were often on watch from the more external sources of despair they had been warned about. Before they were able to make a move on riots, we were often already too far gone.

This time, we went as far as to overtake a local hospital. Most crowds weren’t generally willing to go this far, but the mob was truly crazed now. In a complete ecstatic rush, I raced up the stairs as I heard, floor by floor, the sounds of nurses fruitlessly trying to protect patients, doctors having their tools turned on them, Kaito chasing after me and calling my name with a worried look on his face…

Wait, what?

I whirled around to see my manager following me up the flight of stairs, panting and wheezing as he approached me.

“Len…thank goodness…I was wondering where you were when they locked down. What are you doing?”

“Ah…” I wasn’t sure how to respond to Kaito. Certainly, Kazuichi had done an excellent job obscuring information, but he had seen me, right? He knew what I was. “I feel like you know the answer to what I’m doing already, don’t you? Why ask such a pointless question?”

Kaito waved his hand distractedly. “I know, I know. But I’m not concerned about that. Why here, though? Don’t you think it’s…” his voice trailed off as he saw the confusion in my eyes. “Oh, never mind. Come with me, real quick.”

“Why should I?” I sneered at Kaito as he tried to lead me away. “Why should I listen to anything you have to say?”

“Because I know something you don’t.” Kaito said plainly. “And because I want to talk to you.”

I let him drag me up the stairs, but I still protested. “Why? Why would you want to talk to me? You don’t have anything to gain from it, and all I have to give you is-“

“Because Rin cared about you, and because I care about both Rin and you. You matter to both of us more than you realize.” Kaito said sternly. 

“Like hell you care” I growled. “How do you even know Rin? Do you care about us beyond us being your clients?”

“It’s because I cared about both of you that you were my clients.” Kaito responded huffily. “Or did Rin not tell you a single thing about me?”

I was silent. Kaito sighed. “I will never understand why that girl was so afraid to talk to you about these things. All right, then.” We reached the top of the staircase, and Kaito spun around to face me. 

“My goal as a manager is to give my idols the best possible lives they can have, regardless of whether they’re successful or not. This was my goal with both you and Rin. As a matter of fact, at one point the two of you were not even remotely different. Do you want to know how I found Rin?” He barely paused for a response that I didn’t give. “She had very much the same styles of song as you before I met her. That attracted a lot of attention, often unwanted, and she found herself in a lot of bad situations. I actually found her when she fought off Gackpo for the last time. Had I not intervened, the two of you would have shared a very similar fate at his hands. And after, I told her to split from her manager immediately and put a restraining order on Gackpo. I acted as her witness when she appealed for the court order. And I made sure that every single offer she was given for a song would fit what she wanted to do as an idol from that point.”

He paused now, looking me solemnly in the eyes. “When Rin first heard your music, she thought you were just like Gackpo. She refused to sing with you, at first. But the more I delved into your music, the more I saw similarities to who Rin was before I found her. And the more I saw someone who needed help. When Plus Boy’s advertisements released, I showed her the differences between the injuries you clearly received and what stage makeup could realistically replicate. Nothing I could have proven in court, but it was enough to changer her opinion of you. Before she met you, she already knew about your abuse and trials. But we worked with you because we wanted you to live a hopeful life and find something beyond that cycle.”

I felt myself get pulled in. Kaito was hugging me. And that was exceedingly gross. “That’s why I think Rin would want you to live a better life, and why I refuse to stop pursuing your hope.” He released me, and turned towards the door at the top of the staircase. 

“You should know that all of your hopes aren’t completely gone yet.”

The door opened, and my heart went still as I beheld a small figure lying on the hospital bed. He was covered in scars that had barely healed, even after this period of time, and burn marks. His hair was completely shaved, maybe as some sort of health concern. His limbs were wrapped in casts, seeming to have been surgically repaired from their mutilation. And there was a sort of cloth over his eyes, perhaps to protect them after their final abuse.

It was my little brother, of course. I felt a certain giddy air upon beholding him. Kaito had no idea the gift he had given me.

“He’s still in a mostly vegetative state, unfortunately.” I heard Kaito say distantly. “I’m afraid the trauma he received affected him terribly. However, he’s consistently getting better in that regard, and I’m sure he’ll be able to fully recover in due-“

Kaito stopped when I lunged forward. There was a long scalpel at the end of the nurse’s table, and my hand wrapped around it easily. My blood rushed as my knife plunged forward, ready to finally rid myself of any last shred of hope.

It pierced Kaito’s arm as he lunged between my brother and I. I gripped the knife fiercely as I lunged back, glaring at my manager.

“What the hell are you doing?!” He shouted. “That’s your brother, Len. Yu is supposed to be your hope! Why are you-“

“That’s exactly it!” My voice was hysterical with despair as I lunged again. Kaito caught it with his shoulder. “If Yu’s gone, I can get rid of hope, once and for all. Don’t you get it by now? Hope is completely worthless to me! It’s a disgusting, trivial lie that will never actually be achieved. All I have left for myself is despair, and getting rid of Yu means I can finally have it! Get it through your thick skull!”

As I spoke, I repeatedly slashed and stabbed at my brother’s body. Still, Kaito intercepted each and every blow. He didn’t fight back, or even push me away. He simply blocked my path every time, until his body was cut into shreds. Even then, he propped himself up against Yu’s bed, glaring me in the eyes.

“I…won’t.” 

I gripped my knife even harder now. “Why are you giving so much for him?” I spat. “You barely even talked to each other. You know I’ll kill you to get to him. You have no reason to-“

“Because…whether or not you’re willing to acknowledge it, you treasure him.” Kaito said heavily. “And…I won’t give up on your happiness. Rin and I…never did. Throughout the entire time we were with you, we never gave up on you having hope. I won’t give up even now…even if you’ve given up on finding happiness yourself. Because when you find it…I want you to have your brother here, waiting to share it with you.”

I scoffed. “You’re an idiot.” I moved forward again, but Kaito shot up, grabbing my wrist. He turned the scalpel out of my palm, grabbing it in his hand. In one fluid motion, he tossed it out the door, where I heard It clatter and snap as it fell fully down the stairwell. 

Kaito turned to glare up at me. “Perhaps. But I’m an idiot who won’t give up on you.”

I sighed with annoyance. Suddenly, this entire endeavor had just grown into a pain. I walked towards the exit of the room.

“Believe whatever the hell you want. If you want to throw your life away for hope, do as you please. Just know that you’re never going to survive what’s coming if you do. Despair will consume everything, mark my words.”

As I exited the room, I heard Kaito slump against the bed. I didn’t turn to see what happened to him. If he was lucky or truly idiotic, he fought to the end with hope on his mind. If he survived, then he was in for the time of his life upon returning back to the real world. 

After all, the real fun was just beginning.

**

“There has been no word from Izuru Kamakura regarding the state of the world at this point, so our knowledge of the despair spread is somewhat lacking.”

I was in America, calmly resting against a building girder in the middle of New York as I watched the news broadcast. Almost a full year had gone by since the Tragedy’s beginning. Despair had spread worldwide, and was still going strong despite the beginnings of some sort of foundation group trying to fight back against us. The Ultimate Despairs were similarly spread worldwide, working our magic if any detectable resistance came up, or otherwise just having fun watching our own disciples crumble to dust beneath us. To be honest, I didn’t particularly care about the news going on at this point. Rather, it was the interruption to the news broadcast that was supposed to happen in three…two…one…

“Well, hello, people of the world! Puhuhuhuhu!” Junko Enoshima addressed the world through her broadcast, smiling happily out from Hope’s Peak Academy. The time had come.

“I hear there are still some pesky outbreaks of hope going on in the outside world, is that right?” I grinned sarcastically. Junko had only been able to open up communications a few weeks ago, and the constant mines of information we had given her only resulted in that one statement.

“Well, I have the perfect solution for all you big, bad hopefuls out there on the rise. Some particularly abrasive individuals have tried to come to the rescue of Class 78th of Hope’s Peak Academy, and I’m sure you’re all wondering why we’ve been holding them for so long. Well, we’ve decided to just make a clean slate of these students’ memories, so now they’re complete strangers in the Ultimate Academy together! There, we’ll intercept them with Monokuma as our guide for a thrilling adventure. And what kind of adventure, you ask? Well, the answer is…” Junko spread her arms wide, rolling back to display the sleeping bodies of fifteen students. 

“Danganronpa!”

And so the game began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so just going to admit that low key I got a little of my inspiration of making this fic by looking back at the official video of “Law Evading Rock” and realized that Len’s eyes in that video looked like Danganronpa despair circles, and that the lyrics actually had decent tie in to despair themes. Good times, good times.


	17. Hope Rises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danganronpa is a colossal failure. Hope is moving out, and stronger than ever now. The Future Foundation is growing, and soon the world will be filled with that disgusting feeling. 
> 
> But...we can have a little fun before that happens, right?

Sayaka was the first to fall victim to the killing game. 

I expected it, of course, but it still left me feeling rather disappointed. The fact that she was willing to fall head over heels to commit to the killing game just to hear that most of her friends had died was bothersome, to say the least. And then her weakness at the end, her soft heart giving way to kindness…it was like some sort of bad romance cliché. She didn’t even properly follow through with her death properly, writing out a dying message for that Makoto guy, who otherwise was most likely to be labeled as the blackened in his classmate’s eyes.

I also wasn’t entirely shocked to see Junko kill off her own sister. We had witnessed her attempts in several of her fits of despair, and to be quite blunt Mukuro was the type of person who wouldn’t catch people’s attention for more than a few hours anyways. She wasn’t particularly convincing, exciting, or in-depth. Compared to the rest of the cast, she…existed. Still, seeing the spears spike through her brought a rush. I imagine Junko was probably having a major despair breakdown in her little control room.

The majority of the killing game was fairly boring. The students squabbled and cried over being mean and dramatic towards each other, and ganged up on one snobbish asshole who tried to rule the show. In fairness, I would have hated the guy myself; a know-it-all rich kid who looked down on people less than him, complaining that they ruined the competition if they didn’t want to join in. Not to mention that, despite his assertions that he worked hard to get into Hope’s Peak, at the end of the day he was just another rich kid who got born into a title. He was like Sonia if Sonia was a queen bitch all the time.

At a certain point, I just began watching them for the killings. It fascinated me to see how the student’s minds worked when they succumbed to despair and killing. Mondo’s breakdown, as well as Chihiro’s valiant attempts to get stronger resulting in his death, had a massive effect on the public who watched the game. My particular interest was intrigued by Togami setting up the crime scene to make things more interesting, however. He knew so much, and yet he continued to antagonize his classmates for his own personal satisfaction. He was such an interesting specimen…

“He does not seem to realize that this killing game is less logcal than he believes it to be.” Sonia conversed with me. She was one of the few despairs who consistently traveled the world to check up on progress, and was dropping by America to ensure “He believes that logic and reason will win him the game every single time, and that if he gets in a bind he can simply reveal his truth and shut everyone else up. However, I don’t believe he anticipates the lack of logic that true despair will bring to a killing game. He will be certain to falter when someone finally makes a move purely driven by despair.”

Sonia’s words proved prophetic a short while after she left, in the fourth trial. Though I had to admit, even I was put slightly off guard when I saw the emotional, illogical move that Aoi made. Trying to trick the group into a mass suicide by blaming everyone but the actual culprit, herself included…something like that was something an Ultimate Despair would try to do. My heart was beating rapidly as her plan was progressively exposed.

“Impossible…that just…doesn’t make any sense!” Byakuya’s horrified, confused voice echoed across the monitor, and I cheered at the chaos that had overtaken the trial. Whether she knew it or not, Aoi’s sudden fall into despair was fuel for the masses, and a brilliant display of high hope crashing into the deepest despair. This was the kind of stuff the killing game was for.

But then…that damned Makoto.

He was slowly tying with Kirigiri for the most dangerous person to keep alive in the game. Kirigiri was recovering her memories, Makoto was inspiring the students and the outside world…at this point, it was beginning to become something terrifying. 

A part of me relished that terror.

Still, it didn’t surprise me that Junko tried to kill off Makoto and Kirigiri after that episode. Their antics were slowly becoming too much to be able to control, and if they kept going then Junko’s warpath of despair would crumble. As the Ultimate Mastermind, Junko carried off her plan near perfectly. The class trial’s suspicions dancing between Makoto and Kirigiri brought me close and closer to the edge of my seat, and even I was beginning to feel an intense fascination as voting time approached, desperate to see the answer. When Makoto was announced, I felt intense relief. Kyoko could do well enough to find the answers for the academy, but when everything was said and done, she was still susceptible to despair. Makoto’s absence meant that finally, his classmate’s hope could fall apart.

And then Makoto’s execution was botched. 

Chihiro Fujisaki’s face filled the screen, and the crusher that was to end Makoto’s life ground to a halt. As he dropped to a height that was unlikely to cause even extensive injury, I realized that the game was finally beginning to side in the students’ favor. And that feeling only got worse as the final class trial proceeded. Junko tried to pull every twist and turn, make everything into a game of despair for the students to fall into. And yet, Kyoko disproved every lie, while Makoto brought hope to every despair. My only real satisfaction came from seeing the condescending rich kid have a breakdown once he realized his precious corporation was nothing but a bitter memory. Still, it did little to soften the end blow.

When the final voting time came, Hope won out.

Watching Junko’s death didn’t inspire any particular feeling inside of me. Rather, it was a sense of…resignation. This was the way the world was going to go, the path that our despair had led us to take. All of our hard work, our preparation, our heinous actions had led to what was ultimately nothing. The remaining Ultimates would be released out into the world, the Ultimate Hope leading them. The Future Foundation would grow on the rise. In all likelihood, order would be restored to the world. That was the thought that broke me. I didn’t want the world to go back to the way it was. The thought was enough to open new wounds; for a few days I did nothing but shut myself away and claw at my skin and hair until it burned and tore. That, at least, inspired a moderate amount of despair. 

Junko’s plan regarding the successor to despair failed in a similarly devastating manner. Nagito and Monica were both useless, and their attempts at masterminding Komaru failed at nearly every turn. No war within the Future Foundation broke out, and Towa City became a relatively stable haven with Komaru acting as a willing hostage. All that was left now was Izuru’s secret plan, that he would never tell us about. I had to admit…the silence from him ultimately piqued my curiosity and gave me an actually disgusting amount of hope for what could come to us. Or was it despair? I wasn’t sure what to consider the feeling. But I still anticipated the day he would reveal it, giving the despairs one last push before being overtaken by hope.

And meanwhile, I could still have my fun, anyways.

*

“Why do I sing? Paradichlorobenzene

I sing without meaning or understanding, Paradichlorobenzene

I ran off seeking answers, Paradichlorobenzene

But when I got there none were waiting…”

I waltzed lazily across the stage, in front of hundreds of despair disciples kneeling in front of me. The front row of my disciples all crawled towards me; eyes wide and pleading, mouths open and begging. A few were being held by members in the back row, limbs tied to their bodies and their mouths being held open by ring gags. Their eyes were instead filled with terror, their heads jerking away as I walked across the stage with a bottle in my hand. I didn’t particularly care about their willingness at this point; a disciple of despair was a disciple of despair, regardless of whether they really wanted to be. As I walked along the line, I poured a liberal amount of the chemical into the mouths of the people in the front row, watching them swallow it greedily. Those less willing had hands clamp over their mouths, preventing them from expelling the liquid.

“C'mon, let's sing, let's dance Paradichlorobenzene

C'mon, let's scream, let's shout Paradichlorobenzene.

Dogs, cats, cows, pigs, everyone Paradichlorobenzene

C'mon, let's go mad, let's go to sleep till we rot away, yeah!”

To be honest, the song meant nothing. It was directionless, pointless, a focal point only centered around despair and nothing else. There was a certain beauty in that fact, I felt. And from the way my disciples swayed, danced, and jittered on the ground, it was clear they felt the same.

Or, wait. That was just the chemicals kicking in. It was poisonous to humans, so of course the people who greedily lapped it up were having adverse effects now. Those who were tied down, unwilling, and hesitant to swallow could only look on in terror at the fate that awaited them, before they too were consumed and joined into the deathly dance.

“Ah, that was so much fun!” I breathed heavily into the mic. “Come on, come on, who else wants to join in? I want to sing and dance more with Paradichlorobenzene!” Several followers surged forward, some dragging behind their own unwilling “guests” alongside them. My heart raced as I unscrewed the bottle once again. Time for the second round…

“I think not.”

An annoyingly condescending voice rang out across the stadium. My disciples looked around, panicked, as men and women in dark uniforms surged into the audience. I could only watch as they tried to fight each other off, knowing full well what the outcome of that struggle was going to be. Maybe if I turned away now-

“Len Kagamine, of class 77th, right?” I turned right into the face of that snob I hated to watch on TV. Geez, of all the Future Foundation members to try and hunt me down…

“That’s me. And you’re the former Ultimate Prodigy of Class 78th. Baka…something?”

Togami’s face flushed at the insult, but his voice remained calm and condescending. “You know full well my name is Byakuya Togami. Just as I’m sure you know full well what I intend to do here. If you don’t want to get hurt, you’ll come with me.”

_If I don’t want to get hurt…_

I burst out laughing. “Wow. You guys just really don’t get it, do you? What do I care whether I get hurt or not? I’m losing either way, so why not just lose in the worst way possible? Or do you pretend that you’re willing to give me hope? You, of all people?”

Byakuya snarled. “Don’t act all high and mighty with me. I know all about you, and how easily you managed to fall into despair. You’re pitiable, even among those who have been affected by the Tragedy.”

I tilted my head, wondering at his wording. “Oh? Pitiable? Rather, don’t you mean, ‘pathetic’? Unless your heart’s grown a size or two since I last saw you.” I cruel smile filled my lips, and I pretended to swoon. “Oh, Byakuya, how very crude of me! I didn’t notice how kind and compassionate you’ve become!”

“Shut up.” The annoyed tone came back into his voice again. “I’m not here to play games with you. I’m just here to bring you in. So stop being a nuisance and just come with me already.”

By this time, the arguing in the stadium was beginning to quiet down. My followers were being restrained, and the captives were being taken care of as well. I needed to act soon.

“Hey, don’t you think it’s a little rude to talk to a superior like that?”

Byakuya faltered. I could see him try to cover it up quickly, but the brief look of confusion crossing his face showed how uncomfortable he really was with the situation. “W-what?”

“I mean, come on. I’m still an Ultimate, you know? All my talent is still together, while everything you were born to become is…well, let’s be polite and say it’s in a bind. That, and I’m an upperclassman to you, anyways. You think I should just stand here and let you talk down to me like that?”

Byakuya was annoyed again. His face turned into a scowl, and he sneered at me. “I don’t need someone like you telling me who’s superior. I worked hard to get what I needed to in order to achieve my status, and I’ll do it again. That’s far better than the likes of you ever did.”

The look of defiance on his face was what got me. I burst out laughing again. “ ‘far better than the likes of me’, huh? I thought you said you knew all about me. Or,” I looked up at him, a knowing look in my eye. “Were you just handed a sheet of paper with my basic information and decided that was all about me worth knowing?”

The look on his face confirmed it, but I hardly had time to relish my victory. My disciples were being transported, and soon Byakuya’s underlings would be ready to take me on.

“I…worked with everything I could. It’s not my fault you have such little information.”

“Oh?” I moved towards Byakuya unnaturally quickly. It was barely a moment before I was standing right next to his ear. I leaned in and whispered. 

“I could tell you all my dirty secrets like this, Baka-ya. Just like an innocent little schoolgirl telling secrets in a playground? I could tell you all about how hard I worked, the people I pleased, the boots I licked, and even worse than that, if you want.” Byakuya tensed up beside me. I had successfully thrown him off guard. I leaned in even closer.

“I can even show you the little ways I gave them pleasure, if that’s what you want.” My mouth was right next to his ear, and yet he seemed frozen. Was he uncertain, or just so weirded out his mind had shut down? Either way, I took advantage.

“Just. Like. This.” Byakuya was probably expecting something dirty or sensual. I had framed myself so he would expect that, of course. That made it super easy to throw him off. I blew into his ear, making him instinctively reel backwards. Now that he was off-balance, I took the opportunity to shove him, hard. He stumbled off the stage, leaving me the perfect exit to run out.

Mr. Ultimate Prodigy, indeed. As confident a persona as he exuded, he had a ways to go in order to be as truly unshakeable as he pretended to be.

Unfortunately, I didn’t really have time to celebrate my small victory. I had barely rounded the corner of the street I performed on before being assaulted by another mysterious individual. Before I realized it, I was being slammed into a wall, my arms forced into the cement, and-

“Ah! GAAH!”

My hands were pinned to the wall by two pairs of…scissors?

“My, my, what do we have here?” That voice…it couldn’t be.

I opened my eyes to see a wild-haired high school girl with violent red eyes and a long, protruding tongue that rolled out from her face. But, that was impossible, because…

“Genocide Jack?” I grunted. “But…you’re supposed to be in Towa City.”

Jack laughed uproariously. “Kyahahahaha! Well, since little Makoto decided to go despair-hunting anyways, I was granted what you might call “temporary leave” from Miss Komaru’s side. After all, my talents could be useful to catch some of you Ultimate Despairs, and then I can be by Master’s side once Towa City is finally free of its hostage! And in cases like yours, it’s almost a win-win! If only I could-“ she leaned her face in close to mine, then blinked once and backed away again.

“No, no, no! Komaru and Master both told me not to go this far! But daaaaamn, I want to so bad.”

I smiled easily. Maybe this was another opportunity for me. If I couldn’t escape in the one way, maybe there was chance for “escape” in another way. And this way could serve its own measure of despair if it worked out correctly, anyways. I looked Jack in the eyes.

“Are you sure they’d be so upset? I mean, they probably just want to execute the Despairs all together anyways, right?” Jack looked back at me, completely dumbfounded.

“Eh?”

I pushed. “Come on, go ahead and vent your frustrations. It’ll be easier in the future if you just let loose this once, yeah? And I won’t even be upset about it. I’ve even been trained to make good noises specifically for people like you. I can moan in pleasure or in pain, whichever you’d like more.” Jack’s eyes went wide.

“Heeey, what are you saying? You know what I do with the boys I play with, right? Don’t try to tempt me, or else I’ll-“

“I’m saying this because I know what you do to them.” I leaned in as far as I could in my position, ignoring the pain in my hands. “Do it, Jack. Now! Let your desires run their course. Have your way with me, please!” Jack looked me in the eyes, an unreadable expression in her face.

Then she leapt back, as far away from me as possible. “Gross! That look in your eyes is tooootally not cute at all! What’s even the matter with you? Geez!” I felt my heart drop. So, she was going to deprive me of my last hope…or was she? I hadn’t thought about it until now, but still tucked into my vest was…

“Jack! We need you to move, the despair has-“ Togami’s voice filled the alleyway, and I sighed to myself. I wasn’t going to have a very large window of time.

“Wait. You already managed to capture him?”

“Well, duh!” Genocide Jack ripped the scissors from my hands, and I crumpled to the ground. Shaking, I reached behind my back. My hand painfully closed around the object in my vest. “It’s easy to find delinquents like this when you’re as skilled and beautiful as I am!” 

I wasn’t sure what being beautiful had to do with it, but I didn’t particularly care to stay and find out. Slowly and carefully, I moved the bottle of chemicals from my vest around my torso. Slowly, without them figuring out…

“Well, we have him, at least. Now we just need to get him to Naegi.”

I needed to act now. Swiftly, I popped to bottle open, swinging it around directly towards my mouth. The liquid spilled out, sloppily splashing over into-

Byakuya’s hand shot over my mouth, and the liquid splashed off harmlessly. “Disgusting.” He growled. “Now I’m going to have to wash off before we can get moving again.” I was pushed into the arms of Byakuya’s followers as he walked away. My hands were cuffed behind my back. Togami’s hand was replaced by some sort of mask that fit over my mouth and hooked under my chin, locking my jaw in place. As a gag, I thought it was super disappointing. It didn't even have something for me to bite down on like most of the stuff people gave me. But before I realized it, I was being thrown into the back of some van, completely alone. My last chance for despair was completely and thoroughly thwarted.

Now, I just had to wait and see what “Makoto Naegi” had in store for me.

*

“Byakuya…did you really have to restrain him like that?” Makoto Naegi stared up at me as Togami led me off the transportation ship. After my incredibly uncomfortable ride, I had been removed and put on a boat to travel to some unknown location for the Future Foundation’s purposes. All of this, of course, was still done with me trussed and gagged the way it had all started, not that I wasn’t used to that sort of thing by now. Honestly, though, what even was the point? If they were just going to execute us, then why bother?

“He kept being annoyingly tricky and tried to ingest poison as a last resort. I felt these restrictions were relatively necessary, unless you don’t actually want to go through with this harebrained scheme of yours?”

Makoto reeled back as I passed by him. “No, no. I appreciate it. Just…make sure you’re careful with them, all right? You know they’ve all had It pretty rough in their own pasts.”

“So you keep saying, but the Future Foundation never went that far in-depth. I assume it would be more Kyoko’s sleuthing that’s giving you that impression?”

Now that was interesting. Future Foundation and Makoto Naegi had separate plans?

“Yeah. The notes her father drew up while we were quarantined talked a lot about who Class 77th was, and what they had been through. I think…if we can utilize the Hope Restoration Plan properly, we might be able to help them. That’s…something I really want to be able to do.”

And my stomach turned sour again. More hope, trying to be forced onto me…the thought was enough to make me ill. I growled behind the mask.

“It doesn’t seem our Ultimate Despair here disagrees with your assessment.” A girl walked up next to Makoto, her purple hair tied back behind her head. That would be Kyoko Kirigiri, daughter of the headmaster and Ultimate Detective. Somehow, that idea just made me feel worse.

“Well, of course he does! He’s been brainwashed, just like the others. Listen, let’s just get him in the pods and we can work out the rest. Izuru and Nagito are being brought in by Hiro before he heads back to help Aoi cover up, so we’ll be able to start really soon.”

It turned out that “the pods” were in a small building that frankly resembled a beach shack. Most of the pods were filled with my classmates, strung up and connected to a large central computer that seemed to have several programs running at once. The center program held the face of that damned AI that had messed up Junko’s attempt to execute Makoto, but the other programs were mysteries. One looked like a giant rabbit, the other a normal high school girl, and yet another looked like a beach similar to the one we were on. What exactly was Naegi planning with this “Hope Restoration Program.”

“I know it doesn’t mean much to you, but we’re going to try to convince the Future Foundation that the members of class 77 have the ability to break from the despair Junko put you in,” Makoto explained. I scoffed behind the mask. He was right, that meant absolutely nothing to me. “In order to do that, we felt we had to bring you back before any time we thought either Hope’s Peak or Junko could have influenced any of you; in short, before any of you entered the academy. That’s what this program is for. You’ll be transported digitally back to before you entered Hope’s Peak, before you were ever influenced. Then, maybe having you all work together as classmates and grow closer and stronger could help influence your conscious and subconscious, and allow us to upload those Avatars into your current bodies to wipe away the despair.”

I rolled my eyes at the kid. Basically, he was fighting brainwashing with brainwashing. Something like that…wasn’t it a little hypocritical?

“Ah, I know that probably sounds bad at a time like this. But all it’s supposed to do is bring you back to before Junko made you despair.”

Though... I had to admit, the idea sounded somewhat interesting. A passive part of me wanted to see if Makoto’s program could actually bring me back to the mindset I had so long ago. Wouldn’t that be something…

Another part of me was so disgusted by the idea that I wanted to throw up into my mask.

“Naegi, Hiro just arrived with Izuru and Nagito. Should we go ahead and begin?”

Nagito and Izuru weren’t tied up like I was. Maybe they had been more passive in their capture; it certainly suited their personalities. Makoto ran through his entire idea again with them, though neither looked particularly impressed. The trio remaining on the island led us to our respective pods, and Togami unclasped my restraints to settle me in. I looked around the room one last time and wondered.

When I next saw this room, how would I think? What would be my mindset as time went on? Should I savor the look I was taking now, as an Ultimate Despair?

Something caught my eye.

It was small, really. Barely noticeable unless you were trying to catch every detail of the room, and even then it was just the symbol that stuck out to me. A small microchip, barely sticking out of one of the computer systems. It looked like it was mid-processing, as it slid in and out with small whines. Finally, the computer seemed to accept it, and the microchip with a Monokuma eye scrawled across it slid in.

I craned my neck around to look at my classmates. Nagito and Izuru were also being lowered in, but eye caught Izuru’s eye before he was sealed in. He simply looked at me sharply, nodded his head once, and then was gone. I grinned fiercely as the pod was lowered over my head now, happily anticipating what was to come.

It seemed that this turn of events was going to be very fun, indeed.

_WELCOME TO DANGAN ISLAND!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing despair was more fun than I thought it would be, but I think it's time we got back to the basics. 
> 
> Next time: Dangan Island: Huge Panic at the Heart-Throbbing School Trip?


	18. Jabberwock Island

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have to write down everything I can remember from my time at Jabberwock Island. I can feel my memories already fading, the realities of my past as an Ultimate Despair filling in their stead. If anything happens, I need for this to at least be out there, so people can know there was a chance...

The following events are my major memories from the Hope Restoration Program. I’m…kind of embarrassed to say that I spent a lot of time looking around, being questioned, and generally feeling useless. I think we can all agree, actually, that the person who did the most was Iz…er, Hajime. Still, I felt the need to write down all that I remembered happening the moment we escaped. Without examining how I feel, without thinking about Hope against Despair, I need to write all this down. Kyoko said that it was entirely possible for our memories to fade quickly, and already I’m having trouble recalling some minor details. If I wake up tomorrow morning and find myself without my memory, and fully back as an Ultimate Despair, I at least want to be able to look and see what I went through to keep that from ever happening again.

So, here’s the experience of Len Kagamine at Dangan Island.

I was the third-to-last person to meet in our classroom. The only people to arrive after me were Nagito and Hajime. Everyone was confused, and nobody really had any idea what was going on. My last memory was…probably walking up to Hope’s Peak on the first day? I still remembered the beginning of my idol career, meeting Rin, the stuff with my manager, all that stuff. Thinking on it, they really did just cut off at the moment that Hope’s Peak started influencing us. But I still remembered the stuff surrounding Plus Boy, Gackpo assaulting me, everything like that, so it wasn’t just that they were trying to remove all my trauma. Maybe they were just scared of going back too far and erasing parts of my identity they didn’t have any information on.

Memories aside, things got weird pretty quickly. Shortly after Hajime arrived, a weird, pink rabbit who called herself “Magical Girl Usami” came in and made things even more confusing, talking about school trips, building hope, and even more. 

And then we found ourselves on an island, and Hajime passed out.

Usami told us to try and grow closer as classmates during our stay on the island. Apparently, that was all we really needed to get off the island and back to Hope’s Peak. Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. 

“You’re Len Kagamine, right? The Ultimate Idol who writes super pervy songs? Ugh, stay away from me, please!”

I tried to get to know Hiyoko and Ibuki first. Unfortunately, they were completely opposed to talking to me, and largely ostracized me because of my early songs. I sort of expected as much, but I was still discouraged from talking to them. Eventually, Hiyoko wandered off somewhere else, and I remained with Ibuki to try and talk music. Things got slightly better from there, and we were actually somewhat cordial by the time Hajime and Nagito came in to check on us.

“Hey, Hajime! Are you all right after that tumble?” I raised my hand earnestly in greeting, and Hajime raised it unsteadily. He still seemed a bit shaken.

“Hajime, this is Len Kagamine, the Ultimate Idol. He was recruited by Hope’s Peak for singing powerful songs that blew audiences away with their passion.”

“Ah, but, I’m not sure the type of passion he sings about is so good.” Ibuki muttered. I simply glared at her.

“Ah, it’s not really that I like singing about stuff like that, Hajime. It’s all a big performance scam to draw in viewers, and that’s mostly my manager’s idea.” I couldn’t keep the bitter edge out of my voice.

Hajime was quick to pick up on it. “Ah, you don’t like your manager very much, then?”

I scoffed. “Hell, no. He’s a massive pain in the ass, and I’ll be happy to be rid of him once the year’s over. I’d rather sing songs that are more fun and relaxed, like what I sing under different contractors.” 

Hajime nodded his understanding, though I doubted he really understood that well. He was probably just playing along.

“Ah, but couldn’t you just find a different manager? I doubt it’d be a big deal if you changed, right?” 

I shrugged. “When I found my manager, my family was kind of in a bad way. He made an offer, and it seemed good enough to get us out of a rough spot, so I took it. Things just worked out from there.” I felt a little annoyed by the blank stare on Hajime’s face. “Hey, don’t give me that look. Did you think Ultimates were just people who were outstanding from the very start? Hope’s Peak can pick from the slums just as easily as they can from middle- and upper-class people. We just have a little bit of a harder time getting on the map, is all.”

“Ah, sorry!” Hajime bowed his head. “I didn’t mean to offend you or anything.”

I tried to force a smile. “It’s fine, it’s fine. I get you didn’t mean it. But hey, it’s the first time talking, we’re bound to hit some awkward spots, right? Don’t let it get to you.”

After I talked to the rest of the Ultimates, we were called together in the beach, where several of the students had fun changing into swimsuits and playing around. I declined, but watched as they had fun…until…

“Ahem! Excuse me! This is an announcement for everyone to meet at the Central Park for an important announcement!”

That was what started the Killing Game. 

Monokuma entered into our lives by destroying Usami in brutal fashion. Hajime got slightly injured in the process, which resulted in Mikan freaking out over him after the “execution” had been performed. He told us all that we were to participate in a killing game, where we would work to slaughter each other without being caught in a class trial. Our only way of escape…was to successfully kill our classmates and win the class trial, or otherwise survive long enough for…something. We were given an initial motive of our memories, as well as what happened to our loved ones. Yu…Rin…even dad, even though he was barely recovering from being a vegetable…I was terrified to know what happened to them.

Byakuya Togami took the lead from there. He organized us, helped us band together, and otherwise acted as a leader to ensure our safety. I almost hated to admit how safe I felt around him. I didn’t have much of a parental guidance figure for most of my life, so he felt really comforting to be around. He even helped organize a party for us to help band together and keep surveillance after a threat circulated throughout the party.

As we prepared for the party, Chiaki and I came up with an idea to help relieve tensions during the party. I had some spare mics and stereo equipment, and I wondered if I could put on some karaoke during the party. While we were preparing, we ended up running into Teruteru, who…I was not fond of. He hit on everyone he talked to, both guys and girls, and once all the girls had pretty harshly rejected him he had set his sights on me. When he did that, I was reminded of…him.

No, best not to remember that.

The chef mostly left us to our own devices, until I left to use the restroom. As I was making my way back to the main hall…

“Hey, Len. A moment, if you please.” Teruteru always talked in a weird way, like he was forcing himself to be formal.  
  
“What is it, Teruteru?”

Teruteru crept closer to me…uncomfortably close. “I know this may seem forward of me, but I was thinking that maybe you and I could have some alone time before you joined Chiaki? I know you’re not averse to putting out, and I’m more than willing myself. And we’ve both been so stressed and all…”

My heart traveled into my throat. Instinctively, I pressed myself against the wall. Teruteru followed. 

“Oh, come on, Len. At least give it a chance. I promise, I’m not bad. I’ll be very good to you.” Teruteru pressed himself into me just as Chiaki turned the corner. 

“Teru, please get off me.” I whispered shakily. I wasn’t sure if he could see my eyes, but I shut them tight all the same. I didn’t want anyone to see me crying yet.

“Uh…what are you two doing?” Chiaki’s voice was filled with concern. Teruteru jumped away from me.

“Chiaki! Oh, ah…nothing! Nothing at all! We were just having a bit of fun, right? Len?” 

I didn’t respond, even after Teruteru left in a huff. It wasn’t until Chiaki asked me the seventh time what had happened that I told her about my interaction with Gackpo. It wasn’t a pleasant talk, but she helped me through it. I really appreciated that.

The party itself was a mix. On the bright side, we had a great time for a while. Karaoke was a hit, the food was incredible, and everyone was really happy. On the downside, the power went out.

And then Togami was revealed to be murdered.

When it came to investigation, I wasn’t much help. I didn’t have Ibuki’s ears that could hear so much, or Mahiru’s picture taking skills that put a place and time to everything. I didn’t even have the ability to piece things together like Hajime did. I suppose I was able to help get a grip around the idea of what happened with the power; since I could track the karaoke machine’s power levels, I could see that the result was a surge rather than a flat outage, and that someone had suddenly turned on a lot of power in order to overload the power grid. With that, Hajime was able to tell that Nagito had influenced the scene of the crime, and helped uncover him as…

…not the murderer? Nagito’s reveal as being completely bonkers was scary, but the fact that he wasn’t the murderer was even scarier. When Teruteru finally slipped up and confessed, I was blindsided, but not necessarily unhappy. The guy was still a major pain, after all. I was also minorly annoyed that he was so shaken by the motive. I understood more than anyone how painful the idea of losing a loved one was; if I didn’t have Yu or Rin, I’d be completely lost. But still, that didn’t excuse what he did. I forced myself to watch the execution. It was horrible and disgusting, but I still forced myself to watch it. And after that, even though everyone was horrified, we promised to do our best to keep what happened from ever occurring again. 

I did my best when Nekomaru and Kazuichi came to me with a plan to take care of Nagito. I knew a few things about being tied up, so I tried to make as decent a balance between secure and comfortable as I could with him. I did my best when Monokuma revealed the new motive, making a point to stay as far away from it as possible. I did my best to help Sonia and Peko with their research, looking into Jabberwock Island’s history and a killer called Sparkling Justice. I did my best when Mahiru was found dead some time later, telling Hajime all that I knew about the serial killer case Sonia mentioned. I even did my best in the class trial, helping fill in gaps about Sparkling Justice and what their role was in this game.

It didn’t stop us from almost getting killed, or Fuyuhiko from almost sacrificing himself to help Peko. It also didn’t stop Peko from dying, or the fact that Mahiru herself was murdered. Even when Fuyuhiko rejoined us, I felt like we were in a deeper slump than we had ever been in as a group.

Hajime came up to me around that point, holding something behind his back. “Hey, Len. Do you think we could spend some time talking about your life as an idol?” 

I was a bit surprised by the offer, but I acquiesced. We spent some time talking about the logistics of being an idol, and how it really was more than just getting on stage and singing. Maintaining appearances, figuring out sound checks, learning new moves and acrobatics to wow audiences…it was all a part of the deal. Somehow that slipped into my interactions with my manager, and I had to balk away from the darker parts of our interactions. It wouldn’t do for Hajime to know about that…at least, not yet. At the end of our talk, Hajime finally brought out the thing behind his back. It was a little gift box, wrapped up nicely.

“Here. Kazuichi mentioned that you were something of an expert in this field, and I wasn’t sure who else would like it here, so…” I grinned at his thoughtfulness, but the look vanished once I peeked inside. Sealed inside the box was a large rubber ball with two straps hanging on either end. I had seen it once before, of course. Images of Gackpo leaning over me, whispering in my ear, touching me as I could barely force a sound past the ball in my mouth to fight against him filled my mind.

I slammed the lid shut.

“Ah, thanks for the thought, Hajime, but I don’t actually have great memories associated with stuff like this. If you’ll…excuse me…” I rushed away before Hajime could say anything.

We tried our best to have fun despite our circumstances. Ibuki held a concert for everyone to show off our talents and spirit. A lot of people didn’t like her music, but I was sort of fond of it. It was expressive and eclectic, something I had thought about going towards in my own music. Perhaps it was a little overboard, but something about that was so charmingly Ibuki that I felt like I understood it completely.

I didn’t really remember much after that. I was told later that Akane and Monokuma had a fight, which resulted in Nekomaru tanking a missile for Akane’s sake. After that, I had apparently come down with some sort of disease that affected my personality, alongside Nagito, Ibuki, and Akane. I had apparently taken on characteristics of the “flirtatious disease”, which I didn’t want to think too much about. Very few people were willing to look me in the eyes after that.

Oh, and Ibuki and Hiyoko were dead.

I managed not to be less than useless in the upcoming class trial, which was somewhat of a shock to me. I had to ask about nearly every detail since I was so out of the loop, but I filled in some basic details about the performance studio since Ibuki and I both spent time there. Chiaki, Nagito and I all supported Hajime when he confronted Mikan as a possible killer. I didn’t know why, but I didn’t get the same feeling towards Mikan that everyone else did by wanting to protect her. To me, she seemed more like the girl that would snap at any moment. So, I wasn’t particularly surprised when she was revealed to be the murderer, as well as someone completely entrenched in despair.

Hajime approached me again the day after the class trial. Apparently my time as a “flirtatious despair” had revealed some things about me to the rest of the group, so there wasn’t really any point holding back. I told him all about my history with my manager, the recording companies, and Gackpo. He was suitably horrified towards the end. But I also told him about my time with Rin, and how being an Ultimate Idol wasn’t all bad. We vented through our music, and had even made several series…

I stopped. Something suddenly nagged at the back of my head. I was talking about the Servant of Evil song, and how I interpreted my own character, but something about that seemed…off, now. I had never liked the ending of the evil series, but I had a hard time putting my finger on why…

“Len? You all right?” Hajime startled me from my stupor.

“Ah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, got lost a moment there. What’s up?”

Hajime handed me another present, this time a “Message in a Bottle”. I grinned broadly at the gift, unsure if Hajime knew how accidentally relevant it was. Seeing it reminded me of Rin…quite a bit.

“Hajime, I don’t know what to say! You’re really giving something like this to me?”

We talked a little while more about this and that, and Hajime made his way back.

After a certain period of time, we made our way to an amusement park at Monokuma’s behest. I wanted to ride on the boat the entire time, but it was closed off until our group explored the whole area. Aside from the mandatory roller coaster ride, I stubbornly waited by the boat the entire time. I wasn’t really interested in anything else.

Of course, that meant it was a trap.

I didn’t like the Funhouse. It was annoyingly over the top and sucked as a way to get us to kill each other. Granted, I was relatively used to hunger compared to most of my remaining classmates, but it didn’t change much. I preferred to just curl up in my room and wait the whole game out. Monokuma wouldn’t actually starve us all here…right?

I talked with Nekomaru a bit while we waited it out. For some reason, he seemed to be a little off-kilter the entire time. I had to keep reminding him what time it was, keep his mind on track towards the end of our wait, and remind him what our plan was and where everyone was at any given moment. If he was part robot now, wasn’t he supposed to be more on top of stuff like this?

I woke up to a lot of noise. Ceaseless ringing, a huge crashing noise, and my classmates all freaking out over a clock. Then we heard the announcement that Nekomaru had been killed. Nagito took point on the investigation, which I didn’t mind. I was too tired and hungry to do anything about it at this point. I just gave the facts as I knew them to whoever asked. That mindset continued even into the class trial, and I snapped at Hajime when he pressed me about Nekomaru’s behavior.

“Listen, all I know is that his clock was off and that he always had something else on his mind. What more do you want from me?”

Apparently that statement was worth more than I thought it was, because Hajime came up to thank me after the trial. I just waved him away, too hungry and depressed to care. 

“If you want, thank me when we’re all fed and well-rested. I don’t want to think about it right now.”

Nagito became even more of an asshole after that trial. He was condescending, above it all, and hateful, all the things that made me want to slug him. He was like that for pretty much the entire time, and as it went on the things he said sounded more and more scary and dangerous. Eventually, a small group of us decided it would be best to subdue Nagito again, for everyone’s safety. Around this time, I came up to Hajime for a talk. I wanted to talk to him about the Evil series.

“The entire time I sang about the Servant, I felt something was missing,” I pouted. “Like, I wanted him to be able to respond to his sister’s message, but what would he say? Would he be hateful, or self-destructive, or hopeful? I tried putting myself in his shoes, but I always struggled to see things from his way. Willingly doing horrible things for someone else’s goals, and then dying for it…would seeking atonement even be worth it at that point?” Hajime considered the question. 

“Len, do you think people who do horrible things can be forgiven?” He looked at me curiously.

I sighed, leaning back. “I guess that’s the crux of the question, huh? Before all this started, I’d have probably said no. But after talking to people who would become murderers, making friends and then losing them…I kind of get it. Maybe…the servant should get a second chance, yeah? Just like…”

Just like I can get a second chance at this whole Idol thing once I get out of here.

I didn’t give voice to that thought, but Hajime seemed to understand. I thanked him, and we went our separate ways…him going to lure Nagito to our base.

I was positioned behind Kazuichi to capture Nagito. Or rather, I would have captured him, if Akane didn’t take care of it completely. She wrapped him in a headlock, keeping him secure as Kazuichi approached him with a rope. I found it odd how calm Nagito was.

Then my world was absorbed in heat.

I woke up a good while later in the hospital. Apparently, I had absorbed a lot of the blast from a bomb Nagito had set up. The result was a lot of minor burns across my body, but nothing permanent, or so Monokuma said. I was out for a while, though, and apparently Nagito had been found dead during the group’s investigation. A class trial was currently going on, but the Monokuma addressing me (apparently there were several working copies?) surprised me by telling me that I wouldn’t suffer the consequences if my classmates failed the trial. That concerned me more than I thought it should have. Why now, of all times, would my death not be linked to that of my classmates…?

The trial took a long time. When everyone ended up leaving, they looked…devastated. When I didn’t see Chiaki with them, I understood why. I cried with the rest of the group as we all absorbed that reality. Chiaki, the one who had always managed to reassure us, talk with us, somehow target all our insecurities and make us feel whole despite them, was…gone. The fact that she didn’t mean to do it made it worse, somehow. But after that night, reality as we all knew it changed.

For just a little bit, I had actually thought everyone was miraculously back with us, cheering us on as we escaped the island. Nagito revealing our way of escape, Byakuya accounting for everyone, Chiaki cheering us on…when we woke up at Hope’s Peak Academy all alone, it felt like a whole new twist of cruel fate.

We were tasked with figuring out the truth behind our beach stranding and the reality of Hope’s Peak Academy. With such a broad range of things to address, I couldn’t really wrap my head around what all to consider. I settled on trying to see what I could find from the records lying around the classrooms. One piece of paper made my blood run cold. There were parts of the record too garbled to understand, but I tried to decipher it as best I could.

_Len Kagamine_

_Status: Alive, At large_

_Background: Worked as Ultimate Idol at Hope’s Peak for two years until ---------, resulting from the unfortunate tragedy of losing his father and -------. He has since been observed creating havoc and despair by inciting riots with his music and performance, resulting in the loss of life of several major political and influential figures, including -------._

I motioned Hajime over and showed him. “There’s stuff like this for…everyone. Well, everyone except Chiaki, anyways. Problem is…I don’t remember doing any of this kind of stuff. What gives? Is the Future Foundation trying to pin a bunch of crimes on us, and this is some sort of method for detainment? What do you think?”

Hajime didn’t respond. His eyes just looked even darker as the investigation went on. It wasn’t until the class trial that I realized what was making him so on edge.

“A…virtual reality game?” I asked, completely taken aback. “What…gives…?”

“I know it sounds weird, but it’s the only thing that makes sense at this point.” Hajime responded. “And I have reason to believe that the reason we’re here is on behalf of certain members of the Future Foundation, not to keep us detained, but to protect us.”

I had a hard time wrapping my mind around that. But of course, things only got stranger from there. We learned about the Tragedy, the rise of Despair, and the survivors of the incident born from that. From there, we got interference into the game, and Monokuma took the opportunity to transform.

Into the form of a giant, 50 foot tall woman with a cell-phone copy of Junko Enoshima. She congratulated us on making it so far, and told us the easy way to exit the game now that we had everything figured out. We just had to…press graudate…

“Hold on a second!”

No, of course it couldn’t be that easy. The game was infiltrated by the Ultimate Hope himself, Makoto Naegi, as well as two of his friends from the killing game, warning us against following Junko’s plan. And that was when the truth came out.

I’m sure I don’t need to write about the fact that we’re Ultimate Despairs. Even now, just moments after we escaped the game, I can feel those awful memories creeping back in. I’m sure when I wake up tomorrow, it’ll be as though I never entered to begin with, right? But Junko took immense pleasure in reminding us of everything we did. We all broke down as we realized the truth of who we were, the reality of the situation we were in, and how we manipulated ourselves in order to reach this evil point. I remember, in complete desperation, screaming out to Junko about our past.

“So, wait! What about the people back home? What about my dad, Yu, Rin? What…happened to them?”

Junko had laughed. “Oh, those idiots? Well, I can tell you straight up that your bumbling excuse for a parent and useless singalong partner burned to cinders in an explosion. You can blame Hope’s Peak for that lovely little piece. And sweet little Yu was what Hajime here ended up butchering in order to turn you into despair! Think about that, isn’t it the greatest, most despairing irony that one of your closest friends did something like that?”

“You don’t know that!” Makoto argued weakly. “After all, we never confirmed what happened to Yu, so…he could still be alive…?” His weak argument could barely be heard compared to someone else’s breakdown.

“No!” Hajime had shouted from his stand. “That…can’t be true! That’s not possible, I would never…!” 

Those words were hollow, of course. None of us knew what we would or wouldn’t do in the time where our memories were missing, least of all Hajime. Still, we tried to hold on to some sort of hope, some way we could come out on top. Yet, with every turn, we continued to be flustered by our inability to change our circumstances. As it was, it seemed we could only stay forever, return as Despairs, or upload Junko into all of our bodies. The Future Foundation members tried to convince us, but what did they know about this decision? Surely, it was just…hopeless.

“Hey, you’re not supposed to give up now, right?” I snapped up when I heard the voice. Hajime was yelling now, his words incomprehensible as he argued with the despair in front of us. All of my classmates looked just like me; eyes distant, questioning as we looked on without any real direction. But the voice wasn’t from any of them, I knew that. It was…

“Hey, hey. We promised we would all do our best and trust each other when we started going through tough times, right?”

 _Chiaki_. I couldn’t see her but hearing her was enough. I almost felt like I could cry. Just hearing her voice made me feel so much happier, so much more relaxed. Ah, since she was part of a hope restoration program designed by the Ultimate Therapist, that probably made sense. Listening to her reminded me of good times, happy memories, declarations of hope and persistence…but the next voice almost broke me. It wasn’t one of my classmates. I had no clue how Chiaki or Alter Ego managed to get a hold of it. But there was no question. The voice was definitely…

“Listen, Len. I know that you’re scared, and hurt, and want to run and hide. And I know…if you follow Hajime, you’re going to remember some things that…will hurt. But you’ll also remember things you said and did that remain true even now. And with your friends supporting you, I’m sure you’ll feel it even more. So, remember…even if you think you’re down, and don’t have anything left, you’re never without power, yeah?” As the voice faded, I saw just a hint of the blue eyes, the blonde hair that perfectly mirrored my own.

“Hey, so…I just press this button, right?” Suddenly things seemed to be back to normal now. My classmate’s eyes were clear, and Hajime and Junko both were staring at us in complete shock. Slowly, a large smile crossed Hajime’s face. As I listened, it seemed my classmates had all gotten similar experiences to what I had done. We went around, affirming our decision.

“I know…we’ve lost a lot.” I said hesitantly. “And I know we’re probably going to have to deal with a lot when we get out. But…believing in power, and the ways we can help each other through hard times…that’s what she was trying to do the whole time, right?”

We all pressed the button in time with each other. As the world around us crumbled, we were treated to a view of Usami completely obliterating the Alter Ego Junko, which brought me some measure of peace. If nothing else, we were wiping one tragic existence from history. But then the members of the Future Foundation left, and we were all alone.

“Hey…do you really think this will work?” I asked, unable to keep concern from my voice. “I mean, I know we acted all confident there, but…I’m honestly terrified right now.” 

Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one with doubts. Truthfully, we were all terrified about what was to come. But still…we were doing this as classmates. As Hajime reassured us, I tried to remind myself of that. We had gone through so much together. Surely, if we gave it our all and worked full-on to be better, to let go of our past and move towards the future, we could change. 

I…had to believe that.

And so, I looked up with a smile on my face as the world around us dissolved and we were transported back to the world of hope and despair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, it's time for some restoration after the insanity. I hope everyone's doing well and staying safe after the craziness that's been going on this week, and hope this chapter was a good distraction if otherwise! I was honestly torn between making this one or two chapters, but when I split it into two I realized I was just kind of reiterating most of the facts of the game that are already plainly stated, and I wanted to focus more on Len's specific contributions and interactions throughout the game. I'm not sure if I succeeded super well, but I gave it my best shot! After this, we're going to try to full-on heal from the despair, so hope for a happy ending! Thank you for reading the whole way through!


	19. Rising from the Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len and his classmates have to undergo the process of recovery and rehabilitation once they escape from the Neo World Program. The road is long and tough, but they can only travel on as they hope it's all worth it in the end.

If anyone were to say that recovering from despair was an easy or simple process, I would probably try to beat them senseless. The recovery we had to endure was one of the most miserable periods of my life, and that would be including my memories as an Ultimate Despair.

As far as I could tell, the minds of the survivors were pretty much fractured after the first night of us being back in the real world. Kyoko, Makoto, and Byakuya could barely keep us under control with how violent and crazed our moods could become. One moment we could be doing our best, working to achieve hope as students of Hope’s Peak, and the next we would be tearing ourselves apart, figuratively and literally, as Ultimate Despairs. Hajime was the worst among us, at one point disappearing for several days and provoking a mass search party to ensure his and everyone else’s safety. It turned out he had gone recluse out of a mixture of intense boredom and self-loathing from a sudden resurgence of his memories. Stuff like that was sort of the norm for a while.

Self-loathing was a massive problem across the board for us. Of course, I now remembered brutally murdering my past tormenters, committing riots and mass murders, as well as fatally wounding Kaito and attacking my little brother. I asked Kyoko at one point if she knew anything at all about their survival. She said she wasn’t sure but had sent a message to her former classmates to see if they could have any luck locating them. Now that the Ultimate Despairs were (somewhat) out of the picture, Komaru and Toko had been told they were safe to leave Towa City without any major repercussions, and they were joining in on the hunt to find people that members of Class 77 could interact with in the outside world. If anything, at least the realization that so many people were working to help us out gave me a little relief in my worst moments.

When I was lucid, I talked mostly with Kyoko. She interacted with Akane and I, while Makoto took Kazuichi and Hajime and Byakuya talked with Fuyuhiko and Sonia. We usually talked separately, which gave me ample opportunity to talk with her about things I didn’t want to talk about with other people.

“I’m…sorry about your father.” I felt awkward talking about it in general, but I felt like Kyoko could figure out what I meant. “I wish I could say more, but he and I didn’t really…um…” I wasn’t sure what to say to her. Jin Kirigiri was still a mystery to me, completely and totally. How caught up, exactly, was he in what I had experienced?

“I could say the same to you.” Kyoko muttered. “After all, my father was aware of the danger your family was in after Junko’s video released. He even sent out your counselor to try to warn you of what was going to happen the day the event occurred, but he seemed to have forgotten just how much you had already experienced by that point.” She let out a sigh. “On that note, I also wish to apologize for what my father’s forgetfulness made you go through. We talked about your class during our investigation of Ultimate Despair, and he told me how much he regretted not acting with you sooner. He couldn’t openly contradict the Steering Committee, and he didn’t have any viable proof to display your abuse. By the time he could act, it was already too late for us.”

Kyoko turned to me, a hardness in her eyes. “That was what he said, anyways. Personally, I believe he should have acted regardless. You experienced too much for him to have stood by solely on principle of legalities. For that, I am really sorry.”

I let out a deep breath at her apology. I still wasn’t sure how to think about all that. Like, I understood her father a bit more now that I had looked through all that Hope’s Peak was going through in the background and the ways he could and couldn’t work, but I still wasn’t sure what that meant for how I viewed the man. Honestly, I was still a bit hurt that he just seemed to forget about me. Granted, given how things turned out, maybe it would have been better if he had never even noticed me in the first place.

Oh, no.

I could feel it coming on this time, and instinctively curled up. But it wasn’t like I could shield myself from my own mind. The thoughts jumbled up in a horrible cacophony of endless self-loathing.

_It would have been better for you to have never had hope than to have ended up like this._

_All you’re doing now is pushing off and delaying the inevitable. There’s no way things will work out the way we want them to._

_Your friends are dead because of the path your life took. There’s no way to get them back._

_You’re a murder. A whore. A useless sex toy. Worthless, hopeless, worse than a pile of garbage._

And of course, it couldn’t just be words. Painful memories of Francesca, Gackpo and Junko invaded my head. Sticky white memories mixed with flowing red ones, and my past of death and depravity blended together. I was screaming, and Kyoko was doing all she could to help.

“Just hold on a little longer, Len. We’re almost there.”

I tried to take comfort in that, but the worst always came before we could get all the way back to the shack. My only question now would be who it was I was going to see, what it was I was going to experience in my mind.

_“Come on, Len. It’s not fair to us for you shut yourself away like that.” Francesca whispered as she tilted my head back towards her. Gackpo stood behind her, licking his lips seductively. I wanted to move, but I was frozen…no, tied down, unable to move or speak as they looked down on me._

“U-ugh…” 

“Len, please, focus.” I couldn’t register Kyoko’s voice. To me, it was someone else entirely.

_“Len, please, focus.” Francesca chided me. An easy thing to say when she was the one assaulting me, while I was reliving my worst nightmares. Her face was quickly replaced by Gackpo’s as he beheld me with a look of perverted fascination in his eyes. His fingers traced my cheek, wiping the tears gently from my eyes and traveling down to caress the cloth covering my lips._

_“You’re so beautiful, Len. You look so much like her, it hurts. If only she were here…”_

_His lips pressed against the cloth. His hand gripped my head, holding it in place as he passionately dove into the false kiss. His fingers brushed against the cloth as he pulled away, and suddenly my mouth was free. I didn’t have the chance to say anything before his lips were fully covering my own, his tongue pressing back into the back of my throat. I moaned into his mouth, and he shook over me._

_“All right, Len. It’s time for us to start now.” I heard a click and a whir and screamed as I felt unwelcome vibrations travel through and inside me around my cock and anus. Francesca laughed lightly, pushing the vibrator deep into my prostate and turning the intensity up on the one around my member. “You react so well to these, Len. I’m so pleased.”_

_Desperate, I tried to push and fight. My hips hiked and jerked as I tried to buck the two off. I yelled into Gackpo’s mouth. He responded by pulling away, slamming my head into the hard bedrest repeatedly to make me stop. The cloth went back over my mouth._

_“Naughty, Len.” Gackpo said, his voice quaking. “Don’t you remember what you did to us? Isn’t it your duty to serve us, since you did such awful things?”_

_My vision began to clear, and I screamed into the cloth. Gackpo’s face had changed, morphing to become cracked and shattered, his eyes and brains oozing out his sockets and ears, his skin torn away at various places to show the soft tissue and bone beneath. He removed the cloth again, pressing in for another kiss. This time, his tongue went back even further, filling my throat and branching off to fill my nose, ears, lungs…I couldn’t breathe or think, only struggle in complete terror. This was a nightmare. This wasn't real, I knew that, but still, I couldn't snap out of it. As his tongue pushed deeper, I felt a wet sucking around my nipples. Appendages branching from some obscure location opened, revealing mouths at the ends that wrapped over the small buds, isolating and sucking them with intense longing. I shuddered and whined and was rewarded with more intense sensations in my anus and dick._

_I looked down to see Francesca, naked and torn in half from her lower ribs down, dripping body fluids and organs as she looked at me. “You don’t have a purpose anymore, other than to serve us. Let go of reality and serve us, Len.” She laughed as she cranked the intensity up further. The vibrator shoved into me shifted, transforming into a large cock that rubbed against me, raw and painful. And then it was several, all clamoring to get inside me, to fill me up. The familiar sensation of being rammed and pushed filled my mind, and I screamed as warmth spurted inside me. And yet, a part of that scream was being transformed into laughter. That sick, twisted part of me that loved how fucked up this was laughed without restraint, but with full despair and welcoming. As I laughed, I looked down to see blood pouring from where they were assaulting me. Blood that washed over my nightmares, covering them in a sticky glow that made them moan and shout with glee._

The hallucination faltered as I felt headphones wrap around my head. A part of me wondered if this was the next part of my delusions. Sensory deprivation, perhaps? But no, this was familiar in a way. My muscles instinctively relaxed as I eventually began to recognize the calm sounds of the beach, the familiar words of comfort and encouragement.

Despite its mangled state, the Hope Restoration Program could still act as a therapy program. Granted, it wasn’t even close to the same level of quality it was before the viral attack; at this stage it could at best give minor relief when we were in our worst states. But beta programs for Chiaki, Usami, and Alter Ego were still stored there, and being able to see and listen to them encourage me and fill me with hope again made things a little more survivable. Gradually, the nightmares and memories began to taper away. Not disappear completely, but rather slowly crawl back into the recesses of my mind. It was better that way. Kyoko watched me remove the headphones, her eyes filled with that odd concern that popped up every now and then.

“Are you okay, Len?” I waited a moment before nodding. My body was still shaking uncontrollably, and I felt like I barely had the strength to stand on my own.

“…Yeah. The program really helps with stuff like that. I appreciate you coming by to talk, but…I’m really exhausted after that. Is it okay if I go lie down?”

Stuff like that happened more often than we liked.

Slowly, though, we began to heal. We weaned ourselves away from the program, focusing more on compiling data and information from it to restore our classmates rather than using it to calm ourselves down. We talked more freely with the Future Foundation members. We talked with each other more too, talking about how different things were now. We tried to do our best to cheer Hajime up, since he was often either overly apologetic or just distant when we talked. But that, too, began to loosen up over time. 

We were all hurting, really bad, but we at least had each other to help get through it now.

After some time, the Future Foundation members had to leave and report back. I was worried for Makoto, but he told us not to fret. True to who he was, the Ultimate Hope fully confident everything would work out on his return. 

“Just make sure you contact us before you head back, all right?” He pressed a communication device into Hajime’s hand. “When you guys return, it’s really important that you meet with us before you see Future Foundation.”

Hajime smiled, pressing his hand warmly against Hajime’s. “Of course, we will. And thank you so much for helping us out this far. It really means a lot to us.”

After that point, we were dedicated to bringing our classmates back from the “technically not dead yet.” I wasn’t entirely sure of the mechanics of what Hajime and Kazuichi were doing to bring them back. Given my past, most tech stuff just went over my head anyways. A lot of it seemed to be related to retrieving their Avatar data through all the glitched and corrupted programing we were up against, as well as stimulating their nervous system to try and recover it from the shock they had all went through. We had a lot of struggles with it. Frankly, there were several times where we simply sat together and stared at the screen, crying tears of frustration as we tried to continue hoping that we could bring our class back together again. I wasn’t sure if it was weeks or months before we made our first major breakthrough.

Mikan, Peko, and Nekomaru were the first three we were able to retrieve. I didn’t have any fantastic theories about why exactly those three were easier, but Kazuichi explained that Mikan and Nekomaru’s data was relatively preserved thanks to Monokuma having to restore Nekomaru anyways and Junko apparently being prepared to revive Mikan regardless due to her already being despair. Peko…I guessed that her ease of revival was perhaps due to the possibility that the shock to her nervous system was less than with the other students. It wasn’t the best theory, but it was all we could come up with. After that, it was a relative stream. Gundham, then Byaku…er, the Ultimate Imposter, then Ibuki, Teruteru, Mahiru, and Hiyoko. Finally, after a long and annoying struggle that resulted in Hajime having to go into the program and drag the weirdo out personally, Nagito returned to the real world.

I wouldn’t say our classmates didn’t have as many struggles as we did; rather, their struggles were entirely different. None of them had any real breakdowns into despair, since they left the program in a different state than we did with their avatars and conscious state affected differently. They all still had memories of the tragedy, but they didn’t lapse like we did early on. Instead, they had periods where they seemed to go almost completely blank. They didn’t kick, scream, tear at themselves, or lash out. They just…sat still, their eyes unmoving and unblinking, their minds in some unknowable world that they struggled to come back from. Sometimes, they seemed to lose themselves a bit, laughing or crying at weird moments. And sometimes their personalities seemed to jumble a bit, Hiyoko flirting like Teruteru or Nagito laughing uproariously like Nekomaru. We were all together, but also not at the same time. With the therapy program we had been left, they were able to reduce their symptoms too, but it wasn’t completely gone. We ended up having to face the reality that there was a part of our friends that just wasn’t there anymore.

It took us a while to build up the courage to contact Makoto again. We trusted him and his friends to do all they could, but after learning completely about what Future Foundation wanted to do to us, we were all terrified about what would happen. Finally, Hajime, Sonia, Akane, Kazuichi, Fuyuhiko and I all decided that if worst came to worst, we could at least tell them that the rest of our classmates had different circumstances than the rest of us and didn’t have the potential to revert back to despair like we did. If they still wanted restitution, we could willingly offer ourselves up in the stead of the rest of our classmates. Paired with the other members’ recommendations, they would at least have to consider it, right?

The boats came without much persuasion. This time, it was Aoi and Hagakure that greeted us to bring us back the Foundation. 

“Sorry the others couldn’t make it,” Aoi pouted. “They got chewed out pretty badly by the Foundation, and Makoto’s still pretty much on house arrest until you guys get back. But!” She quickly turned to us as she saw fear spread across our faces. “It’s almost completely fine! Most of the Foundation is just worried about whether you’ve really been able to change. From what I’ve seen so far, I’m pretty sure you’ve got nothing to worry about, I think.”

Aoi’s words weren’t incredible at inspiring confidence, but I admired the spirit she had. She stumbled when speaking, but the feeling I got from her brimmed with positivity. That, at least, was a far cry from the depressed and suicidal girl I had seen during the Killing Game. For his part, Hagakure was mature and capable as well. He certainly acted a bit scared around us, but he quickly realized we were pretty much harmless. By the time we had made our way to Future Foundation’s headquarters, he was bordering on becoming an annoyance with how much he was willing to ask and provoke us about. It was almost a relief to be stepping out to our potential imprisonment and/or execution.

We weren’t exactly received to the Future Foundation with open arms. Open handcuffs and leg chains, sure. Hajime, Sonia, and the Ultimate Imposter led efforts to keep everyone calm and controlled as they worked. I could feel my heart hammer with a familiar terror as the cuffs closed around my wrists, but I was otherwise shocked at how calmly I was able to handle what was happening. We walked single file as a group, chained together along our legs to ensure there would be no individual escapes. As we walked through, we were informed about what was currently going on in the Future Foundation to best prepare ourselves; apparently, some sort of Killing Game had occurred here as well, resulting in the loss of life of several prominent foundation members. Kyosuke Munakata (the name meant nothing to me) was now the head of the Future Foundation until they could figure out what was going on and who could act as a suitable replacement.

I learned very quickly that I did not care for Kyosuke.

We entered into what I supposed was the judgement room for the Future Foundation, and the first two things that I noticed were Makoto Naegi, surrounded by a personal squad of agents keeping him from reaching out or approaching us, and a very pretentious-looking blonde man sitting at a desk at the far end of the room. As we entered the room single-file, or leg restraints were removed so we could stand side to side and face the man who was supposed to decide our fates. Silence ensued as he glared down at us. He seemed to have been in a very recent fight, his body appearing somewhat mangled and scarred from either one or a series of recent skirmishes. Something deep and ugly was in his eyes as he addressed us.

“So. You are the Ultimate Despairs I’m supposed to have some level of sympathy for, hm?”

My breath caught in my chest. In that moment, it took every ounce of hope I had to not shut down and tell myself that we were completely and utterly doomed. Thankfully, it was Hajime who elected to respond to him.

“We have been known as Ultimate Despair, yes. But please, if you’ve listened to Makoto’s report then you surely understand that we’re different from those who sought to wreak havoc on the world. I know it doesn’t seem realistic, but-“

“Realistic?” Kyosuke barked out a harsh laugh. “I’d sooner believe the Ultimate Hope himself was twisted into despair! How could you possible convince me that monsters like you managed to change in an instant?”

“It wasn’t an instant.” I growled without thinking. Kyosuke looked at me now, complete disinterest on his face. I tried to make my tone less antagonistic, with moderate success. “Didn’t Makoto’s report tell you about that? We’ve spent so many months trying to get better from being Ultimate Despair. Even now, it’s still-“ I was cut off by Hajime’s glare before I said too much. I was already forgetting that we were in a place where one wrong word could result in us being destroyed completely.

Unfortunately, Kyosuke’s smirk told us what we already needed to know. “Oh, I’m well aware of the situation you’ve been in since your time in the program. And that even the crowning jewel of our therapy program barely even made a dent in your progress, in spite of several assertions that it was our best bet, our winning strategy against those entrenched in despair. Forgive me if that doesn’t spell out my complete trust in your current appearance. I have no willingness or desire to trust a class full of students about to turn to despair at any moment. Now-“

Kazuichi interrupted, just like we planned. If there was any point to play our trump card, this was it. “Hey, not everyone here is like that, you know.” Kyosuke’s eyes darted up in a question, and Kazuichi shrunk back a bit, looking to Hajime for guidance. Hajime nodded slowly. 

“I mean…” Kazuichi coughed. “When we rescued our classmates from the program…those that had died in-game, that is…they didn’t have the same characteristics we had.” Now even Naegi looked confused. But of course, he did, he didn’t experience our classmate’s state. “They don’t fall into despair like we did. They’re still messed up, I guess, but it’s stuff like overlapping personalities, blanking out, dizzy spells…you know, stuff that isn’t dangerous world-wide. If anything, they shouldn’t be the ones suffering any sort of punishment.”

Kyosuke’s eyes narrowed. “So…say I’m willing to release your friend’s charges on that respect. Would those remaining with despair be willing to take on a harsher sentence for that change?” 

My classmates looked away. We had already told them about our plan, but nobody was comfortable with it. They still had their memories, after all, and felt some measure of responsibility. But in the end, we had managed to convince them not to speak up.

“We are.” Sonia said confidently.

“Ah, but wait! Len and Sonia, you probably wouldn’t have to-“ Makoto began, but quailed under Kyosuke’s glare.

“What exactly are you saying, Naegi?” 

Makoto stammered as he looked up at his superior. “A-ah, well… it’s sort of a legality thing with those two, right? I mean, Sonia is a foreign entity, and Len was underage for all of his documented crimes, so isn’t there some sort of…reduced sentence for those two, or something?” I groaned internally. For someone supposed to be sticking up for us, Makoto was having a hard time sounding anything close to convincing.

Kyosuke, for his part, seemed similarly annoyed. “Naegi. These are two individuals who helped bring the world to its knees, participating in war crimes, mass murders, riots, and worse for nothing more than the sake of despair. Are you seriously asking me to consider a reduced sentence for nothing more than the sake of a technicality?”

“Ah, um. Well…”

“That won’t be necessary.” Hajime’s voice rang out across the room. Everyone looked at him, complete confusion on our faces.

This wasn’t something I had anticipated.

“If you already know all the facts about who we are and what happened to start and perpetuate the Tragedy, then you already know who the most culpable person in this room is.” Hajime said, completely seriously. 

“Hajime…?” Makoto’s voice was soft and questioning. Everyone’s eyes were unshakably fixed on Hajime now. 

“The first Despair that Junko recruited, the person who helped create tragedy for each and every one of the people here in order to create her team of Ultimate Despairs…you know that was Izuru Kamakura, right?” The rest of Class 77, me included, began to protest. Suddenly, we knew where Hajime was going. But he cut us off.

“Not to mention, I was the one who helped mastermind the majority of the tragedies after Junko went into hiding. I was behind Towa City, as well as the corruption of the Neo World Program that would have completely cured my classmates. If any of the world’s major disasters could be attributed to anyone, it would be me, first and foremost. And I am completely willing to pay any price and receive any punishment necessary to ensure the safety and well-being of the rest of my classmates, to the highest possible degree.”

Kyosuke’s eyes narrowed further, but he didn’t have a chance to respond.

“Hold on!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, finally catching Hajime’s attention. “Hajime, what the hell are you saying? Don’t tell me that’s been your big plan this entire time?” Hajime turned to me, and I saw that his eyes were dark and blank. This couldn’t be…

“Tell me it’s not a fair argument. I know what I’ve done to every one of you. Receiving punishment for it is-“

“Complete bullshit.” Fuyuhiko scoffed. “Unless you want to argue that Junko turning you to despair wasn’t as bad as when she turned us? Like there was more of a part of who you are now who wanted to do that than there was with us, or that you deserve more because of it? Give it up.”

“Hajime, we made a promise that we would bear this burden together, did we not?” Sonia asked politely. “To abandon that now for all of our sakes…I do not think that I could tolerate that reality.”

“And don’t forget that you’re the entire reason we were able to fight back in that program to begin with,” I reminded Hajime. “Even if you did help turn us to despair, you also turned us to the Future. You helped us fight back. So, don’t go saying that you deserve more punishment than us. We’re supposed to be in this together, okay?”

Some light returned to Hajime’s eyes. He nodded reluctantly and turned back to Kyosuke. 

“Hey, Mr. Head of Future Foundation.” Akane growled. “Strike what Hajime just said from whatever record you’re keeping. If you’re going to punish us, just go ahead and decide to punish us together. We promised as much, anyways. Whatever you do, we’ll face it head on, and we’ll conquer it. That’s what we decided as a class.” The air was deathly still as her words echoed out. I could feel my heart racing. Somehow, without intending to, we had played right into what Future Foundation wanted us to-

“Well, Makoto. It seems you were right, after all.”

None of us expected the genuine smile that filled Kyosuke’s face. The agents moved away from Makoto, and he stood up to face us. 

“Yeah, thank goodness. But you guys had me worried for a second, all right?” He walked up to Hajime and placed his hands over my classmate’s. “Hajime, I know your classmates already said about as much, but don’t feel like you need to take on the burden of everything, all right? Your classmates are there for you, if you’re willing to rely on them. Don’t be afraid to do that.”

“Wait…huh?” I couldn’t muster up any emotion in my voice, I was so confounded. What exactly was going on?

“I’m sorry for all the smoke and mirrors.” Kyosuke said as he bowed slightly in our direction. “The truth is, after the killing game Makoto and I became joint directors of Future Foundation. I won't lie and say I'm welcoming of this idea, but I am aware of the hypocrisy of disallowing forgiveness for you after what we've experienced.” The co-leader of the Foundation's thin smile melted into a brief grimace. "That is not to say I fully trust you at all. If you are to gain even a measure of that, you will have to abide by some rules."

Kyosuke snapped his fingers, and our restraints were immediately unlocked by the agents. In their place, each of us were given a wristband with a blinking light on it.

“As a precaution until we’ve further been able to monitor and have a better understanding of your mental and emotional states, you will need to keep these wristbands on at all times as trackers. These will simply update Future Foundation of your day to day movements and interactions. We ask that you confer with us when you intend to meet, cooperating accordingly if we need you to meet with other individuals. You will also be required to remain in a singular vicinity until further notice. Is that acceptable?”

I studied my wrist, completely fascinated. The difference in demeanor I had witnessed a few minutes ago and the one now was like…night and day.

“Thank you, but…why are you being so…?”

Kyosuke’s eyes darkened somewhat, and Makoto looked at him with a look of…sympathy? Maybe pity?

“The Killing Game made me realize some harsh truths about my own mindset. I won’t deny, even when I heard you would be coming to us my first instinct was to order your extermination. But…my survival ended up being reliant on trusting those I didn’t initially intend to trust and having hope in what seemed intangible at the time.” He smiled thinly and looked up at Hajime. “Value those you have to support you, Izuru. That is all that I have left to say.” Even if he accepted us, the subtle disgust in his voice was entirely evident.

With that, he got up and left. Makoto hurried over to us, leaning in. 

“Please be patient with him, guys. It took a lot for him to get to the level of _wanting_ to see you guys succeed and rely on each other, and this was hard for him to do. I’m working on him, so just…be patient, okay?”

We ended up having to be patient for a while. Despite his forgiving proposition, Munakata was very clearly hesitant to trust us completely. We were to check up with a Future Foundation member at the end of every week to update them on our progress in aiding them to spread hope. We were allowed to settle wherever we wished, but once we settled there we were to remain there unless the Foundation decided we needed to move elsewhere for a brief assistance in a particularly hostile area. I decided to settle back near my old home. It was nostalgic, and besides that there were things around there I wanted to investigate a little bit, though I hardly ever had the time to try.

In return for our constant updates and investigations, we got depressingly little back from the Foundation. We were allowed to interact with each other remotely on a daily basis, but it always had to be monitored by a member of the Foundation. We met face to face every week, but it was brief and often hardly conclusive. My agent, an older gentleman by the name of Hiro Yasuhiro (perhaps the least creative name I had ever heard of), barely checked up on me, only coming to my aid whenever I had an attack. Thankfully, that wasn’t horribly often.

I received a summons from Makoto a few months into our working with the Foundation. At that point, I was already exhausted. The lack of communication was beginning to take its toll, and my morale was completely low. It didn't help that I was having trouble working through a concert that would be cast worldwide coming up in a short time, desperately trying to find a core piece to tie the concert together. I had most of the songs already lined up at this point, but there was still that missing piece to stand out in the concert. There were some ideas, of course, but I was still having trouble grouping my ideas together. It took all my willpower to meet the Ultimate Hope at the old site of Hope’s Peak Academy.

“We’re still in the process of rebuilding and modifying it from being a glorified death trap,” Makoto said apologetically as we made our way into the school. “But most of our facilities are still functioning correctly and have been used as a way to aid the general public. As a matter of fact, our kitchen and nursing facilities are near equal to what food shelters and hospitals are able to provide at this point.”

He said that so positively, but didn’t that just mean food shelters and hospitals were in such a bad spot right now?

“Actually, that’s how we managed to find this one. Apparently, his caretaker died during the Tragedy, and he’s been stumbling around without anyone to help ever since. We thought you might want to meet him, since he seemed to fit your situation.”

My situation? I shook my head. It was probably a despair-filled ultimate or prominent artist who got hurt at some point and needed me to work with him. That was close to the type of thing the Foundation was having us do; working with those filled with despair to help them see hope again. We were uniquely gifted to help those who had hit their lowest point, after all. But I realized that wasn’t the case at all once Makoto opened the door.

The person in the room…if it was who I thought, he had changed so much since we last saw each other. I could still see traces of wounds, and the way he stood and turned when I entered showed me he was incredibly weak. A scar ran down each of his eyes where they had been hacked and gouged, but the sockets were filled with what appeared to be genuine eyes, though they were wide and staring, certainly not seeing. Still, when he heard the door open, he turned directly to me, as though he knew I was there. His hair was grown back and long, though it fell lighter around his face than it did on that horrible day. His face was thin and gaunt, but set and powerful all the same. He had definitely aged a few years…was he in his mid teens? No, I was eighteen bordering nineteen at this point, so that would make him eleven. God, he looked so much older.

“Who’s there? Who is it?” The boy asked Makoto. He didn’t answer instead looking to me. I realized he was waiting for me to answer. I opened my mouth, but no words were able to form. I was suddenly struck by a torrent of realizations.

_My brother was alive._

_Kaito had successfully protected him._

_My brother was alone, so Kaito was almost certainly dead._

_My brother knew what I was at this point._

_He knew to hate or fear me._

Makoto gripped my arm. “It’s all right.” He said softly. 

I swallowed. Took a deep breath. Maybe he didn’t hate me. Maybe…he would be patient, and hear me out, and learn to forgive how awful a person I had been. Finally, I managed to choke one word out.

“Yu…?”

The expression on his face changed instantly. His eyes didn't dilate, but the socket around them expanded disturbingly as his eyes would have grown wide. He tried to rush forward, but his body wasn’t strong enough. Instead he collapsed against me, and I held him as he started sobbing.

“Len! Is that you, big brother? Please tell me it’s you!” He shouted through the tears. I stroked his hair softly. 

This…wasn’t real, right? It was just a dream, some sort of fictional reality where I could be happy. Maybe the Future Foundation had just trapped us in a Restoration Program again, and I’d stay like this forever. Or maybe it was another trap from Junko, and he’d be taken away from me in an even more painful way.

Honestly, even if that was true, that could be fine. I could settle for this for as long as possible. I hugged him closer.

“Yeah, it’s me, little brother. I’ve missed you…so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I may have decided to rewrite Kyosuke just a liiiitle bit, as well as some of the finer details of the Killing Game itself. I felt that balancing out Makoto's intense "hope for everything" PoV as well as being a joint head of the still somewhat-functioning Future Foundation would suit the way this fic wrote out better, and everything else fell into place along that line. Most of the deets like who ended up surviving and dying are still the same, but obviously Class 77 B doesn't come in a blaze of glory and completely save everyone, half because I'm piss at writing action scenes. :P


	20. A Song for Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Len settles into a new life under Future Foundation, he finds himself preparing for a new concert to pave the way for his integration back into the world. But there's this one feeling, a song that's almost coming to the forefront but barely out of reach. Is there any chance of realizing it on stage, and being able to show what his heart really feels to the outside world?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, before this chapter begins, I just want to give a huge thanks to everyone who's read this roller coaster this far, and an even huger thanks to the people who gave feedback. I really appreciate all of it as I splurged out this odd hodgepodge of a story, and I really hope you guys have enjoyed it. I'm not sure if I'll really do anything related to this in the future, though I have considered doing short slice of life mini-fics after the end of this. I dunno, I'm capricious and I suddenly have a lot more time on my hands given that I'm basically stuck inside 24/7 now and only doing online college stuff to keep me busy. Or I may just spend that time going back to edit some of the earlier parts of this fic that I looked back and saw mistakes with leading up to this. We'll see. So yeah, hope you enjoyed this trip, and thank you all for reading!

I stood in front of the doors to the chapel, waiting for the first person to arrive. I had only been there once before, when a girl dragged me there to question me about what was going on in my life and why I was hurting myself the way I did. I wasn’t sure if she was known here, or even that anyone who would know her still remained. But if any of those possibilities resulted in an answer, I wanted to at least know something. Anything, really. Maybe something here could give me a little more peace, or at least help me figure out the distant words of the song that refused to fully take form in my head.

“…May I help you?”

I jolted as I realized I had gotten lost in my own thoughts again. The man questioning me looked down with concern full in his eyes, and it wasn’t hard to imagine why. I had dressed to conceal my appearance some, since most people still saw me as an Ultimate Despair. A hood was pulled over my hair and part of my face, attached to a jacket that covered most of my body. I even wore sunglasses to cover my eyes. To him, I probably looked like some sort of punk or rebel, if not a secret civilian in despair. I held my hands up hurriedly.

“Ah, sorry. I was just wondering…would you happen to be a member of this church, or anything?”

The man simply stared at me for a moment, then laughed heartily. “Well, I would certainly think so! I happen to lead services here, after all.”

Ah, so he was the…chaplain? Priest? Pastor? What kind of religion did this chapel even belong to, anyways? Was chapel even the proper word for it? But that wasn’t the question at the front of my mind.

“If you led services here, please…did you know anybody by the name of Rin going here?”

The man’s eyes eased at the question, and he leaned back against the stair rails. “Ah, Rin. That’s a name I haven’t heard in some time, now. Yes, she attended services here every now and again, though I’m not sure I’d particularly call her devout. I would say she was spiritual, rather than particularly religious.”

I tilted my head, confused. Half of what the guy had just said didn’t make any sense to me whatsoever.

“Did you talk with her often? Do you know if she believed in…any sort of afterlife?” That question had been bugging me ever since I returned. I had never considered the possibility of life existing beyond the one I had right now, but if there was, then…

“You know, I’m not sure, completely. I know she believed that there existed a life beyond our own, but I couldn’t tell you if she believed in an actual afterlife or rather in some sort of reincarnation. She never expressed that part of her beliefs terribly openly.”

“I think maybe...no, probably reincarnation.” I blurted the words out before I thought. It clicked in my head, suddenly. The words of “Regret Message”, plain and clear.

_“If we could be reborn…”_

Then, what? What had Rin been thinking of as she wrote those lyrics down? 

“Yes, now that I think on it, that makes sense.” The man responded thoughtfully. “The songs she sang and the attitude she had certainly follow that ideology. Though, I wonder why you’re so concerned with her, so long after she passed on.”

I blushed, turning my face away a bit. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to look close at me, for risk of seeing who I was.

“I…was close to her, when she was alive. But now that she’s gone, I don’t know what to think. I wish I could see her again, but I just don’t…” I stopped, and the religious leader smiled down at me.

“It’s all right to say you’re not comfortable with belief, or prospects of the afterlife. Many people aren’t, and even I myself struggle with the idea at times. But that isn’t the only aspect of religion Rin was interested in. She valued the ideals of forgiveness, love and care that we strive to teach here, as well as the innate value we all have in this world…er, not that religion is the only institution that values those things. I believe there was someone she valued highly herself, who she thought could learn a thing or two by coming here.” He looked at me knowingly.

I stared down at the ground, completely unable to keep myself from blushing. “I’m…not sure about all that.”

The pastor sighed as he knelt down on the stair below me to look up at my eyes. “Len, what would it take for you to be able to forgive yourself?” He smiled wryly as I stumbled back in shock. “Oh, come, now. Your face is one of the most recognizable faces in the world at this point. I knew who I was talking to the moment I struck up conversation. Please, answer the question.”

I felt my stare sliding back towards the ground again. “For forgiveness…I honestly don’t think I can do anything to be 'forgiven' at this point. I just have to live my life the best way I can, and maybe at the end, it’ll…” I shrugged. “I don’t know, balance out?”

The man shook his head kindly. “If you’ll allow an old fogey some preaching, I don’t believe that to be remotely necessary. From our teachings, the only thing fully required for forgiveness is simple repentance and realignment. Turning yourself from the actions and life you lived and dedication towards a new path. No god worth following in my book purely judges actions. Matters of the heart and soul are what carries over into the afterlife, not individual actions. And any individual willing to change their lives is worthy of that salvation.”

I shook my head, more confused than ever. “I’m sorry, really. I just think this is all going over my head, or something.” I looked up to him, and I could feel tears welling in my eyes. “For now, is it all right if I just try to continue changing, and believe that maybe I’ll see Rin again?”

The man’s smile looked broken, and when he gripped my shoulder, it was a soft and warm touch. I wasn’t sure if I agreed with him, or even understood him really well, but I liked him well enough from the things he had said. “Len, my goal in preaching is to give people hope, and spread love and compassion to any who will receive it. If believing in just that much inspires such in you, I could hardly ask for more. And please, if you have any questions, feel free to ask.”

I left the chapel feeling better, but still really confused. It only dawned on me after I got home that I didn’t even know the man’s name or figured out what religion it was that was taught at that institution. 

“Len! Welcome back home, it took you a while.” I heard the soft pit-pat of paws as my brother made his way to greet me. Through all the chaos of the world practically being built from the ground up, we had somehow managed to get him a seeing-eye dog, which was pretty much the only way I was able to trust him going a little bit outside at this point regardless of how quickly he was regaining strength. There was just too much going on for me to trust it. And anyways, the dog was absolutely adorable and sweet, managing to fulfill a dual role of calming me down somewhat during my attacks.

The start of living with my brother had been incredibly shaky. My agent had started off confident that the two of us living together could take some of his burden off, but things weren’t really that simple. Yu was completely blind, so we needed to alter and move around pieces of furniture and appliances to make it easier for him to move around. We learned that when I had a panic attack and Yu tried to be by my side and comfort me, only succeeding in slamming into a wayward chair and hurting himself, which didn’t help. Hiro was patient and tried to work things out in the best possible way for us, but he was on the older side and was obviously struggling a bit.

  
I suffered a despair attack a little while after Yu first moved in with us. The poor kid didn’t really know how worried I was consistently going to be about him, so he had decided that it was a good idea to go “explore” while I was away working on the different projects Future Foundation held. Of course, when Hiro and I arrived to find that my little brother was missing, I went into a complete panic. The older man tried to calm me, but I still went and slipped so far that I had another hallucination. I could hear my brother’s screams echo out as I relived his torture, watching him beg for my help as I sat unable to do anything. When Yu found his way back through his own resources, he found me shuddering and sobbing into Hiro as my agent continued trying to soothe me. He tried to seclude himself inside for my sake after that, but I knew that wasn’t healthy for him, either.

That was when we decided to get the dog, who brought me much greater comfort towards Yu’s well-being. Paired with the area around Hope’s Peak being high security and touting an incredibly low crime rate at this point, I was at least able to convince myself that Yu would be somewhat safe venturing out. He decided to name the dog “Kai”, after the person who looked after him during the tragedy. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that naming pets after people wasn’t always meant as a compliment. and it was clear that he meant it as the highest of honors.

*  
As I took off my jacket and made my way towards the couch, I decided it was time to finally bring up the subject I had been so curious about with my brother since his return. After all, if I was going to try and attempt change, what better way to start then with my brother?  
“How did you end up getting found by Makoto?” I asked his as the dog guided him next to me on the couch. “What even happened since…?” I stopped. I wasn’t sure what Yu knew about the last time I had seen him.

“Since the hospital attack?” Yu asked bluntly. The look he gave me was innocent enough, though. “It’s okay, Len. I know that was…a different time. I don’t blame you for it, really.” He paused, then continued.

“It wasn’t too long after that when I woke up. Kaito survived the attack, but he was never in really good shape after that. He protected me after that; he kept saying that it was what you needed, and that he cared too much about the two of us to do anything else. He ended up deciding that we needed to go to a safe haven, someplace not really affected by the Tragedy. There were a few places that seemed relatively unscathed from what you all were doing, so we settled in the nearest one, a place called Towa City.”

My heart dropped. I immediately knew where that was going.

“Things were peaceful for a while, but then things hit harder than we had ever seen it before. Kaito protected me during that time, doing his best to hide me from the Monokumas that prowled the streets. There was only one time that he left me alone, and I got taken by a bunch of kids. They wanted me to join this group they had, but at that point I was still functionally useless. I couldn’t even stand on my own, really. I could barely talk. They decided they didn’t really have a use for me, so they tossed me back onto the streets. After that, Kaito didn’t leave my side.”

Yu leaned back on the couch, sighing. “Then it was just a bunch of hiding. Fights broke out on the street a lot, and apparently adults were fighting kids that controlled Monokumas. If Kaito even heard the beginnings of something starting, we would be out of there and hiding in the best places we could find. We survived for a really long time like that. And then all-out wars started happening.” He leaned forward, holding his arms close to his body, and a tremor entered his voice as he recalled the memory.

“I don’t know what happened. I heard…tremors, screams, stuff breaking and falling down. It sounded like there were giants fighting in the middle of the street. The worst was…the explosions.” He bit his lip and grimaced. “They reminded me of that day, you know. And…the stuff after, too. Kaito did his best to protect me, even then. And I think, that…” Yu shook his head. 

“One time, after I freaked out, Kaito just…wasn’t there anymore. I looked all over for him, but I never did find him. Even when the Future Foundation found me, I asked them about him, but they didn’t say anything. A while later, they came back and told me they had found a body completely crushed by one of the giant Monokuma robots that rampaged in the town, and that it fit Kaito’s description perfectly. I didn’t even know it, and he just…” Yu choked, curling in on himself. “He just…died. Like…that…”

My brother let out a strangled sob, and my heart sank. I touched his shoulder, and he flinched. It took a moment, but he leaned into me, shuddering heavily. Kai whined softly, resting his head on Yu’s lap, and my little brother reached down to tousle his fur softly. We sat like there for a little while. A year ago, I would have relished the horror on my brother's face, invited self-loathing to overwhelm me at what I had helped cause him. Now, I simply breathed deeply, feeling the horrors of the past slowly drain from both of us as we sat together.

“Ah, anyways, um…” Yu sniffled, desperate to change the subject. “Oh…by the way. Did you happen to figure out what you wanted to do for your song?”. I frowned. The concert was only a week away at this point, and nearly everything was set aside from the placeholder song. Kazuichi and Ibuki had even surprised me with a piece of technology that I hadn’t anticipated in the slightest.

_“You better be ready for this!” The Ultimate Mechanic had warned me. “This is gonna knock your socks off. Oh, but, I couldn’t have even come close to doing it without Ibuki. It was her ear that made any of this possible!”_

_He had led me to the front of the stage, where a blank screen filling the entire background was displayed. I scoffed, believing it to be just another theatrics scheme that Kazuichi was always showing me about the concert. Slowly, the screen came to life, pulsing slightly with a strange sort of liveliness. A figure’s outline began to be traced around the screen, brimming with light and energy._

_I rolled my eyes. Kazuichi had probably come up with some sort of weird technological background dancer, or movie display, or something else that-_

_“Ohohoho! Kneel before me, peasants!”_

_That voice._

_The screen had flashed, and suddenly I beheld Rin standing haughtily before me._

_“You remember when you said you heard Rin’s voice in the Neo World Program?” Kazuichi had asked, his voice brimming with excitement. “Well, I thought that was weird, so I asked Ibuki if she could help me isolate that, see if it was a phenomenon or anything. Turns out, the program’s data banks actually have an entire vocal section for Rin, as well as some other artists and talents related to our class. I guess Future Foundation was just ready for us to encounter loved ones, or something?”_

_I shuddered as Rin’s voice echoed out over the stage again, singing out from her solo of “Daughter of Evil”._

_“With Ibuki’s help, we were able to create a digital sim and musical voice banks for performances! So I guess she’s sort of your background vocal…oid? Maybe? I don’t really know what you’d call it. Maybe even after your voice runs out, we can do the same with you and you’ll be, like, immortalized as an idol!” The thought was too weird for me to think about at that point, so I just waved him on. He pressed forward, unabashed. “Let me tell you, working to create all these sounds and vocals was a hell of a job. You better thank me a lot for this!”_

  
The fact that they went so far to help me out had really touched me, but I wasn’t exactly sure what to do with it. Sure, Rin and I could perform more of the songs we had together, but our best songs like the Evil series would probably be strictly taboo because of the message they had. Apparently, the despair uprising had “Servant of Evil” as one of its anthem songs; I doubted Munakata would take very kindly to me singing that onstage. Especially with the ending being so unsatisfying as it was…

All of a sudden, sitting there with Yu and mulling it over, it clicked in my head, and I wasn’t sure if I was a genius or an absolute idiot for not having thought of it sooner. I shot up from the couch and ran over to Hiro.

“When’s the quickest possible time I can meet up with Makoto Naegi? I want to talk with him about the concert coming up next week.”

“Len? What’s up? Do you have an idea?” Yu got up off the couch shakily, half-supporting himself on Kai. I ignored him for the time being, my mind racing at what felt like a hundred miles an hour.

“Let’s see…Makoto should be free down here the day after tomorrow. He’s coming down to inspect Hope’s Peak progress, but I’m sure he could open up a time slot for you if I asked.”

I clapped my hands together. “Awesome! Yu, come with me. We’re going to go brainstorm.”

Yu paused, staring at me in confusion. “We? Len, I’m not exactly a talented musician. If you have any ideas, I’m sure they’d be fine on their own.”

I shook my head, then stopped as I realized he couldn’t see what I was doing.

“I need someone to talk ideas with me, and you’re kind of the only person left who knew both me and Rin really well. You don’t have to know any fancy musical terms or technical stuff, just tell me if something sounds right, yeah?” That was true enough, at least. I researched survivors of the tragedy as thoroughly as I could and was devastated at just how many people I had considered close to friends were dead now. My old stylist under my first manager, the models I would make videos with, stage crews I worked with in the concert…so far, I had yet to find a single one that survived. Apparently even Kyoko, who I had assumed was perfectly fine and just busy when we met with the Future Foundation, had been presumed dead for a time before suddenly appearing at Hope’s Peak to join up with Naegi again. I wondered how many people in the world even associated with me at a personal level aside from my classmates at this point.

Yu frowned. “That sounds like you’re oversimplifying it, but…I guess I’ll try…?”

We spent the next couple of days practically cooped up in the old music boardroom Rin and I had shared in the past. If Makoto did end up allowing the song I had planned, then we needed to start preparations for it immediately, especially since we were so far behind. I put out ideas, messages for the song I wanted to get across, feelings that came from talking with Rin and the old man at the chapel.

“So, it’s sort of a…redemption song, I guess?” Yu asked, his head tilted quizzically. “That makes sense, and I think Rin would approve of it. But about the idea you mentioned earlier, the red and the blue…is there any reason for those colors in particular? Or is there something in the lines I forgot?”

“Ah, right!” I clicked my tongue as I scrawled words in between the lines I had written down. “Yeah, the colors are supposed to be symbolic, I just forgot to spell it out in the lyrics. Here, see if this sounds good…”

Talking through the song with Yu gave me a familiar sort of warm feeling in my chest. It had been so long since I just had someone like this, talking out song ideas and bringing them to life. And thinking about the idea of bringing this song on stage, using my voice to convey ideals that I wanted the world to feel…I felt a blush rush over my cheeks as I grinned stupidly. I was really excited for this, and really hoped Makoto would approve the idea.

As expected, though, it didn’t come without some resistance.

“You want to add a song to the Evil Series for your concert?” Makoto winced a little as he considered the question. In fairness, it wasn’t an unbelievable response given the series’ notoriety over the past years. 

“Please, hear me out.” I fumbled over the music sheets and notes in my pack to lay them out in front of the joint head of Future Foundation. “Rin and I had a lot of ideas going on with the series, and it never really did get completed. Hell, I doubt she would have considered it complete after this song, either. But I think it could change the entire way people view the series and turn something used for despair into something hopeful. Don’t you think we could try that?”

Makoto sighed, then started scanning the lyric sheet. Slowly, his eyes brightened, and a smile crept onto his face. “Actually…this is pretty good, Len. You come up with all this yourself?”

I rubbed at the back of my head. “Well, Yu definitely helped a lot. But yeah, that was something I came up with this past week.”

Makoto nodded, then directed his eyes back down to the page. “I like a lot of this, though this line at the end concerns me a little. ‘I will be coming to see you very soon.’ Is a little…” He stopped as he saw my face go pale.

“Oh, right. I didn’t even think about that, but it sounds kind of ominous, huh? It’s supposed to be relative from the point of view from the Servant, so I figured it would work out well, but it would probably be better to say something like ‘I will see you in the next life,’ or…well, actually, that doesn’t sound much better, huh?”

Makoto stopped me. “Len, relax. I’m not telling you to rewrite it or anything. I just wanted to be sure I didn’t have to be concerned about you. Don’t worry, it doesn’t detract from the meaning of the song at all. I’d actually be really happy if you added the song into the concert with the Evil Series, completely as is.”

I smiled broadly, grasping both of Makoto’s hands with my own. “Really? That’s incredible, thank you! I promise, I won’t let you down!”

*

It felt a little odd, prepping for a large concert mostly on my own. Ibuki was helping handle music prep and Kazuichi was working stage mechanics, but I didn’t have any background singers or support. Well, none that were actually alive, anyways. I could only wait as the crowd settled, though I could tell just by looking out at the audience that they seemed completely unaware of what to expect. Frankly, I didn’t know what to expect, either. With just a minute left in the show, I had already prepped a speech, walked through all the steps and lyrics in my head, even mentally introduced Rin, but I still had no idea if anything would work out the way I wanted. I didn’t even have Yu, Hiro, or Makoto to have my back before things started, since they were all busy with their own preparations to help.

It was with a deep, nervous breath that I walked into backstage as the call to begin started up. The song we were starting with wasn’t even mine; it was something that I had kept in my bag for two years, a song written by Rin that I had been disgusted by, but never had the heart to throw away.

With a sharp burst of music and a soft riff on my behalf, the music for “Bring it On” started. Rin’s song was definitely the easiest for Future Foundation to approve, if not in part due to how blatantly the song protested entropy, helplessness, and succumbing to the world. 

“The past, the sins, punishments, all of it   
With my bare hands, my love, I'll live through it all and serve a payback.” 

I flushed as “Rin” and I sang together. She was definitely more of a computerized background than a person singing by me, and her voice was clearly digital in nature, but it still sounded so much like her that I felt myself blush with just pure happiness. I drank it in so much that I had already uttered the final lines of the song before I realized it. 

And then Rin was gone, leaving me to face the audience alone. At the very least, they seemed receptive of computer-Rin. Cheers erupted throughout the crowd, and several of the more concerned-looking members of the audience seemed visibly relaxed. I took a deep breath in, taking in the feeling, ready to give my speech to the-

“Murderer!” The cry rang out at just the right time for me to hear it. I wasn’t the only one, since the crowd went deathly still in an instant. 

“You sick, twisted murder! What are you doing on stage? Who gave you the right? How are you going to pay for what you did to us? To the whole world?!”

Boos erupted from the crowd, and my heart sank. This, it seemed, was the way the world felt about us, after all. But I started as several members of the audience instead flocked towards the voice, saw fights beginning to break out, saw-

“Wait!” My voice echoed out over the crowd, and they stopped. I felt all eyes on me, and I directed my eyes towards where the most activity seemed to be occurring. Shaking, I knelt down to rest on my knees. Then, I leaned forward, touching my forehead to the stage.

“I’m sorry.” I said, as clearly and calmly as I could manage, which wasn’t very clear or calm. “I wish I could do anything that would atone. If I could give up my own life to bring back the people lost to despair, I would. In fact, there have been so many times I’ve had to be persuaded from doing exactly that just out of self-loathing. But I can’t do anything that will just suddenly fix the things I’ve done wrong in my past.” Rocking back, I stood myself back up and looked at the crowd with a stern gaze.

“But what I can say, what I can do, is show the world how I’ve changed from the despair I used to be. From the evil I used to do. I won’t be able to overwrite everything wrong I’ve done with any action or series of actions that I could ever do. There’s just too much wrong caught up in that. But what I hope I can do is show that none of that is who I am now, and that the only thing I can and want to do is work to spread hope, spread love, spread joy to any place that I can. Maybe it isn’t enough. I know it’s not. But that’s how I’m going to live my life from now on.”

I paused, completely unable to form more words. My mind was completely blank, but it didn’t matter. Cheers and roars of approval erupted from the crowd. But…was it my imagination, or were there looks of disappointment and boredom there as well? I grimaced at the ugly thought but tried to realign my thoughts. If there were people entrenched in despair, even here, wasn’t this the perfect opportunity to try to reach out to them, here and now?

Most of my songs contained a blend of my own songs and songs I sang with Rin. The majority of the songs that were made before the Tragedy were either gateways to despair or perverted disasters I couldn’t bear going back to, but there were a few gems regardless. Despite being arguably my most pervy song, I didn’t have any bad memories with “Giga O.T.N.”, and it was genuinely fun to perform in front of the audience. I sang a song I made after Rin died, as well; “Soundless Voice” was a tough song for me, but I followed it up with a more conclusive song I had written upon coming back. As I sang the end of “Endless Wedge”, I felt my heart constrict in my chest, thinking purely of the last song I would be singing tonight.

“What you gave and what I have given, I will never forget.

Your voice is here, even now. Even now, I love you.”

I expected the tears from the audience and myself, but I had to keep myself from breaking down completely when I turned to see Makoto, Yu, and Hiro all sobbing just offstage. I could even hear Ibuki bawling. It just served as a reminder of how many people felt so keenly the loss that the Tragedy had brought on, and how helpful songs like this could be to assist them in moving on.

Eventually, it came time for the Evil Series to finish out the concert. I watched the audience carefully during Rin’s initial performance, taking care to note the consternation across several people’s faces, and the looks of tortured glee on others. When I came out to sing “Servant of Evil”, I felt a brief tremor of terror as the crowd uproariously sang along. Was I making a mistake doing this, after all? I looked back to Makoto for affirmation, but he looked just as nervous as I felt.

Sometimes, the guy wasn’t quite as reliable as people built him up to be.

My side of the stage grew dark, and I had to perform a very quick costume change during Rin’s song. Thankfully, her part was slow, sad, and sweet, which allowed for a bit larger of a gap. I grimaced back painful memories as the props were fastened around my wrists and ankles, but I didn’t even notice Yu creeping up on me.

“You look pretty serious, Len. Everything all right?”

I sighed, staring down at my wrist. A red band was fastened to it, leading back behind backstage where it attached. It was mirrored with another band on my wrist, and two blue bands on my ankles. They were supposed to be thematic to the song in a certain way, but still…

“I guess I’m just worried about these, is all. I’ve just…spent so much of my life as an idol being tied down, doing things I didn’t want, and no matter what I did, I wasn’t able to really break away in any form that actually felt freeing. I know it’s silly to think this way, but I’m worried that when the time comes, I won’t even be able to break these, you know? And wouldn’t that just be the ultimate irony?” That was probably waxing a bit too poetic, but it sincerely mirrored how I felt.

Yu simply stared down at me blankly...more blankly than usual, anyways. “Len, the chains are attached to a release contraption in the back. Once you get to that point, all we have to do is release the switch and the chains will be broken right off.”

I ducked my head, smiling dumbly. I didn’t figure my brother would get what I was saying. He was eleven, after all.

“So…if something like that happens, and you can’t break the chains, you just let us know and rely on us. You knew that when you wrote the song, right? Since you weren’t able to break the chains until you heard Rin. You’re not supposed to break the chains on your own, even in the song, but the people around you… we can help with that if you ever need it.”

I looked up weirdly at my brother. Who was this kid? I couldn’t quite tell if he was being genuine and not realizing it or was waxing overly poetic to tease me. “When did you become a wordsmith, Yu?”

The kid grinned broadly. “Hehe, who knows? Maybe it’s just an innate talent that popped up, and I’ll attend the new Hope’s Peak as the Ultimate Poet!” Okay, now he was teasing me.

I shoved him lightly as Rin’s song reached its peak. “Aren’t you supposed to be able to write in order to become a poet? Sounds like a lost cause to me.”

Yu pouted. “That’s just mean, Len. And besides, wasn’t Beethoven an awesome musician despite being deaf?”

“He could still write down the music he wanted to play.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I can change your community service to be my scribe to write down my perfect poetry when I get into the Academy. Personally, I think it would be an honor for you.”

Rin’s song was wrapping up, so Yu had the perfect opportunity to spring up and dash off before I could make a retort. Instead, I was forced to focus my attention towards the song I was about to sing.

“Re_Birthday” was, just as it sounded, a song centered around the concept of rebirth and renewal. I incorporated some beats from Servant of Evil and vocals from Rin, trying to draw inspiration as it seemed fit. The flow from “Regret Message” hopefully helped with that.

I started the song with my eyes empty, staring, and soulless. The camera closed up to see the face of Len Kagamine, almost a mirror of who he was in deepest despair. My lyrics were depressed, cold, and withdrawn. 

“On both of my hands were red chains.

They must be the color of someone’s blood that was spilt.

On both of my legs were blue chains.

They must be the color of someone’s tears.”

I crossed my arms in front of me, staring the audience down with that same, doleful expression. My movements were slow and ghostly as I dragged my chains along the ground. Beside me, the screen crackled slightly, and Rin’s outlined form began to glow. As the song went on, she began to sing along with me, and my movements became more vibrant as the song picked up, the servant beginning to heal and find his own hope in the afterlife. I looked briefly out into the audience and smiled as every face I beheld showed a look of awe.

“The red chains come off and say to me 

‘You will soon be reborn’”

I snapped my wrists forward and heard a sharp crack. I looked down to see that on my right arm, the chain had separated earlier than it was supposed to. I still needed the release for the left one, but I had broken the right one on my own. 

I grinned.

“The blue chains come off and say to me

‘Today is your new birthday’.”

I kicked forward with a surge of energy, and the blue chains snapped off easily. The crowd cheered with screams of joy and approval, and even among those who had seemed put-off and bored there wasn’t a single dry eye. So, the audience understood. That made me glad. I didn’t pretend that it was going to permanently cure any of them, but it at least affected them enough in that moment. That was enough for me. 

With my last song over, I gave a quick thanks to the audience and retreated offstage. Makoto, Hiro, and my brother all congratulated me on my performance, and Makoto suggested going out to eat with Kazuichi and Ibuki after the concert was fully closed up.

“That sounds great, but is it okay if I meet you guys there?” I asked, handing Makoto a slip of paper. “I want to stop by this place really quick; I’ve been meaning to for a while, but…well, I haven’t had time.”

Makoto studied the paper, and a smile broke out on his face. “I approve, sure. But can I ask where…?” I motioned to my arms, and he nodded knowingly. “All right. Can’t wait to see how it turns out!” He turned away with Yu and Hiro, waving farewell as they went on ahead.

*  
I sat down in front of the gravestone, clasping my hands in front of my chest. It had been a few weeks since the concert, and since then I had visited my mom several times. I used it to talk to Rin and dad as well; their bodies were never really able to be recovered, and they were grouped in with a bunch of others in a memorial of the Tragedy set up in the middle of Japan. I didn’t want to visit there, really, half because it was always so crowded. On places like this, it would only be me and Yu, who was currently roaming the site with Kai. He promised to be back before soon, and I often awaited his presence much more than expected. On this day in particular, since I was going to have a visitor.

“…and please, watch over me and Yu as we work to carry on the family. We both want to make the world a more hopeful place together, so please guide us as we work towards that goal.” I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see my brother had come back, currently settling down to sit next to me.

I wasn’t great at “praying” to the deceased, but I figured it was just like a more respectful way of talking. I visited the chapel every now and then to get a better idea, and to talk to people who knew Rin more personally. They were nice people, if not a little stiff and old-timey in some ways. I didn’t associate really closely with them or even pretend to be closely invested in their beliefs, but they accepted and cared about me more than I had expected. It wasn’t anywhere close to a second home, but I didn’t mind talking with them every now and then.

“Excuse me, Len?” A woman knelt down next to me on the mat I had laid out. A recording device was in her hand, and she was dressed up in a very professional manner. That meant she was the reporter I had decided to meet. Future Foundation was releasing a series of reports and interviews of the former Ultimate Despairs, in part to help generate more awareness of the mentality we had undergone as well as inspiring a story of youths who were able to overcome that mindset. I had practically leapt at the opportunity.

I nodded my affirmation and shifted myself and Yu aside somewhat to give her more room.

“I know a lot of the Ultimates aren’t really fond of media, so I want to go ahead and be clear. This isn’t supposed to be for views or shock value, and I don’t even want to ask you any questions to lead you on. This is just supposed to be your story…” her voice trailed off as she looked down at my arms. “Are…those new?”

I rubbed my arm lightly, looking down on the tattoo I had gotten. I wanted something to overshadow the scars that served as a reminder of my trauma, and so I replaced them with a memory that gave me far more hope. A red and blue circle wrapped around each of my wrists, with similarly multicolored chains colored over the scars on my forearms. They wrapped around and around, all the way up to my forearm where they sharply broke off, the ends clearly shattered from where they would be restraining. Circling beneath my elbow, a single phrase wrote: “I will be coming to see you, very soon.”

I smiled at the reporter’s interest. “Yeah. I got it after the latest concert. The last song meant a lot for me, and so I wanted to commemorate it…have something to remember when I struggle again.”

She smiled genuinely. “Well, I can’t imagine a better song for you to commemorate. Given recent reception, I really do believe it’ll be a hallmark for future creation of hope.” I nodded my appreciation, and she set her recorder out.

“Now, on to the interview. Don’t overthink it, and don’t rush it. I want you to be relaxed, open, and ready to say anything you want. Yu, if there’s anything you want to add as well, please feel free. All I want to hear is your story.”

My story…What was that supposed to be? My time as an idol? My entire history, or just what people would be interested in? Should I start when I became a despair, when I started Hope’s Peak, or before?

I felt a hand squeeze my shoulder. I turned to see Yu looking up at me, his eyes soft and steady. I decided to just pick something. Letting out a long, soft breath, I began.

“My name is Len Kagamine. Class 77-B of Hope’s Peak Academy. My talent is ‘Ultimate Male Idol.’” The reporter smiled as she nodded, silently encouraging me forward. I took a breath and continued.  
  
“Originally my talent was supposed to be just “Ultimate Idol”, but the talent ended up being in such high demand, and the heads of Hope’s Peak realized that “Ultimate Male Idol” and “Ultimate Female Idol” actually tended to attract slightly different crowds regardless. As such, the title was technically divided into two separate categories, though both of them are generally deemed “Ultimate Idol”. It’s a confusing distinction, but I managed to make it work…”


	21. Rin's Story Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My name's Rin. You can call me Rin Kagamine, I don't really mind. That's how I think of myself, anyways. I may be dead, but it's not like "dead men tell no tales", right? There's stuff I want to say, too, feelings I want to convey. Especially if there's a chance that he sees it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm boooooooored and this exists now. I'm making a couple of bonus chapters covering Rin and her role during parts of the main story. Nothing to revealing, just a couple of...well, extras. If you're not interested, super fine! This is partially closure, partially just something for me to...do. This is part one of two for Rin's side of the story. Enjoy!

I dragged the dumb idiot by the arm as we walked through the darkened night. The one that wasn’t bleeding profusely, of course. It would sort of defeat the purpose of helping him if I was just squeezing his wound the whole time. The wound that also meant I should just talk to him and bring him back home instead of dragging him to somewhere I know he’ll feel at least a little safe talking. But it doesn’t look too bad, so maybe it’ll be fine? I grabbed at my forehead, my thoughts completely distant from listening to Len blabber. I felt like a mess, doing this to him after it’s clear he wasn’t well, but what else was I supposed to do? If I was right, then reporting to Hope’s Peak or his therapist will just make things worse.

“This building isn’t really put into use until Sunday mornings. Nobody should really be able to hear us once we get inside.”

I walked through the doors to the religious center I frequented sometimes, closing them behind Len as I tried to calm my breath and thoughts. 

I turned around to see Len, swaying slightly as he stared at me, his face as red as a beet. Was he already beyond wasted at this point? Was talking to him even going to do anything?

“Geez, how drunk did you get? You’re already red as a tomato and we barely even got here.”

“Uh…” The look on his face shifted slightly, and suddenly I was aware that it was just the two of us alone in here…no, no. I needed to focus on Len, not my own weird crush. I huffed and crossed my arms.

“What’s going on?” I tried to focus myself, and swung my gaze around to meet Len’s as best I could. God, that lost look in his eyes made it so hard to keep contact. “The past few months you’ve been really withdrawn…even more than usual. You disappear from practices the moment we’re done, without so much as a goodbye or talking about what you want to do next. You’re virtually absent from the world on weekends, and it all seems to just get worse. Is it _us_? Are _we_ doing something wrong?” I grimaced, suddenly thinking back to the look he had on his face. That miserable laugh, at first appearing jovial but hiding underneath several layers of despair. “And then…I see you with a broken bottle, tipsy and trying to jam a shard of glass into your arm like…like some sort of…” The memory caught in my mind, and it felt like my breath was choked out. Len ducked his head, and I felt a pang in my heart. I was sure he didn’t like doing that stuff, not really, but still…what was going on?

“I…knew it was happening, to some extent.” I tried to speak clearly, but my voice wouldn’t work “I…talked to your family on the weekends you had therapy. I looked after Yu while your dad did his own therapy sessions, and then your dad and I, we’d just…talk. He…knew about you getting drunk while he was out, you know. He could smell it. On your breath. But neither of us knew about you cutting yourself, and we just thought…” And we just thought what? That as long as he was just getting drunk and we weren’t contributing, it’d be fine? That everything would work out in the end? No, we knew it was a bad idea. We knew not doing anything was making it worse. And now it was just as much our fault as anything. I knew that, and still… I wanted to vent. And so, I attacked rather than supported.

“Is it something we’re doing wrong? We’re getting you the help you need, we’re trying to talk about things every time we meet up, but you just slip away before we say anything important. Is it us? Do we need to do something to change?” I closed in on him. I knew that wasn’t right, I knew pestering him and guilt-tripping him wasn’t fair, but I was just so worried, so angry, so heartbroken, I…

The terror in Len’s eyes grew as he backed against the wall of the church. “Ah, n-no, it’s not. It’s…it’s not, I-“

“Then what?! Why are you doing this?” I slammed her hands against the wall, one on either side of Len, barely managing to hold myself up. Desperately trying to feel like I could control this, like I could contain this. 

Not even realizing I was trapping him, just like everyone else had done.

I didn’t see his eyes snap out of focus, or his breathing hike as he began gasping for air. I was too caught up in my own emotions. I was too caught up being aggressive. “I’m just doing this because I care.” I grabbed his shoulders, pulling us closer. I wanted to look him in the eyes, to see what was going on in his head, or so I thought. “So, please, at least say something!”

“Please…let go…”

I had been looking at Len this entire time. Of course I had, right? That only made sense. But I wasn’t actually seeing him. If I had, I would have noticed, so much earlier on. Tears were brimming at the edges of his eyes. He gaze was lowered like some misbehaved animal, his head bowed in subservience. His face blushed ever so slightly as he…begged. That was what this was, wasn’t it? Begging, like some sort of pet or slave. This was what he had been reduced to, after all.

I felt disgusting.

I immediately removed my hands, turning my back away from him. I didn’t mean to bring that side our of him, of course I didn’t. I just wanted to protect him, but I was utter shit at it. Instead, I was just making things so much worse. There was something wrong, and I had to find a way to do this without being so aggressive.

Wait…a roundabout way of figuring out an answer from someone. It was a childhood game, a teasing quiz at best, but…was it possible that could help, just a little? Something to bring the truth out, even just by asking him…

“Let’s play Twenty Questions.” 

“…what?” I turned to look and see the completely baffled look on his face. It made sense he was baffled, this was a completely absurd request. But I tried to maintain a semblance of confidence.

“Twenty questions. I ask you a question, one that can be answered with ‘yes’ or ‘no’, and you give me a response. My only rule is you have to look me in the eyes. If you don’t want…you don’t even have to say anything. Just let me see your face when I ask it.” I was confident in that, at least. If I could do anything at this point, it was read Len’s face…when I was actually taking care to pay attention to it, that is.

And that was the key to all this, right? Pay attention to Len, be aware of what’s going on and act on it if you can. That was how I was going to win this game, I had decided.

“Okay.” I honestly didn’t expect him to agree so quickly. But he met my eyes, and my mind ran without warning. I asked a stupid first question.

“Is it your manager?” The confusion in Len’s eyes didn’t even warrant response. I kicked myself mentally for starting off in such a way. With only twenty, I had to make each question count.

“Is it involved in Hope’s Peak?” There was the wavering I was looking for. Len’s eyes went out of focus, and it suddenly seemed hard for him to look me in the eyes. His face even flushed slightly. I nodded and decided to explain. “I figured. Things only started changing when they got involved. Does it have to do with your retreats?” This was another I was fairly certain of. After all…

“With how much worse things got each weekend, I’m not surprised. Were any of the changes supposed to happen?” I was mildly surprised to see his eyes grow dim as he nodded slightly, almost as if he didn’t realize he was doing it. My gut twisted in disgust.

The questions kept on coming after that, and each one made me more and more angry, more and more like I wanted to take to Hope’s Peak with a Road Roller.

“Did it involve…you know…that?” I wasn’t surprised it did; everything involved in making Len’s life miserable involved sex.

“Do you feel like you can act like yourself with other people?” No to that. They’ve probably messed with him to the point that he didn’t feel safe. That’s probably why he refused to talk…and still the questions went on, until:

“Do you still want to keep going?” He jumped at that one, and looked at me with confusion in his eyes. I decided to press him.

“If I’ve got this right, the people in charge of Hope’s Peak did…something to drive you into submission until you thought you needed to do what they wanted.” Len’s eyes dropped again in that submissive, terrified look, and I growled in spite of myself. This damned institution…“In spite of all that, do you actually…do you seriously want to keep going? Deep down, knowing that’s basically disregarding everything Hope’s Peak has you doing.”

It was almost like a comical tragedy, the look he gave me. There was so much determination in that broken stare, I almost wanted to laugh in complete dumbstruck awe if it wasn’t for how much I wanted to cry. “You don’t need to answer verbally for that one. I don’t get you, Len.” Sighing heavily, I sat roughly onto the pew behind me, resting my head on my arms. Suddenly, I felt…so very tired of this topic. “I really just don’t get you at all.”

The silence spread. Len apparently didn’t seem inclined to comment on his mindset. I didn’t really blame him, since it was a complete mystery to me.

“Is it just that you’re an Ultimate? Is there some secret quality you guys have that makes you be super resilient about stuff like this? Like, there are people who just shut down completely, and here you are still chasing the dream that’s making your life a living hell. What gives?” That was probably it, I realized with a sigh. There was always something about Len that just seemed so focused and hopeful in a way I never felt inclined to be towards music. “Maybe that’s just why I’m not an Ultimate like you. I couldn’t bear something like that if it was too much trouble.”

The little idiot grinned as if he were in the clear. “Well, actually, you’re not an Ultimate because Sayaka blows you out of the water. I mean, have you heard some of her latest hits? I was half worried she might take my title, and I was already in before they scouted her!” 

The little twerp. Honestly, if I didn’t have the biggest crush on him, I would have decked him for saying something like that. As it was, I still hit his arm, mindfully ignoring his forearm at the last moment.

“Ha, ha, ha. You got a crush or something?” I tried to tease back, but in truth I was slightly concerned. Sayaka was incredibly attractive, talented, and nice. I wasn’t sure I could compete if she tried to make a test out of it.

“Uh…”

God damn it, that wasn’t the response I had been looking for. Of course, it was dumb for me to make a relationship joke with Len being the way he was. I flushed and turned away. “I mean, between you and Sayaka. Sorry, just a joke. I know you’re not really wanting any relationship stuff right now.”

“Ah…no, it’s all right.” We lapsed into an uncomfortable silence until decided I had enough, standing up and stretching my arms out. “So, I think it’s late, and your dad’s probably getting worried. Go ahead and head on, ‘kay? And I promise I won’t tell a single other soul about anything I might have guessed from our talk. My only thing is that you have to play twenty questions with me whenever we meet up again. We’re not going home without it happening, or the next day it’ll be forty questions. And I will hunt you down to play it, ‘kay?” The smile Len gave me weirded me out. Honestly, sometimes I couldn’t tell if I was completely in sync with him or just a dozen steps behind. I never felt like I could understand him.

I walked Len home from there. As we walked, I looked him up and down. His arm was a bloody, scarred mess, but aside from that he seemed reasonably healthy. He wasn’t starved, or sick, or covered in bruises and blood. It burned in my mind what exactly Hope’s Peak did to him, but I didn’t dare ask. There is one thing I wanted to mention to him before we left though, even if It was just a trifle.

“Oh, Len. Before I forget.” He turned to look at me, and I couldn’t help the playful grin across my face.  
“I like the new haircut you got. Looks cute.”

**

“ ‘ _Looks cute?!_ ’ Gah, I’m such an idiot!” I stormed back and forth across the board room where Kaito and I worked. Though, to be honest, “work” was kind of a generous term for what we did. My singles didn’t sell much anymore, so Kaito and I had mutually agreed to focus more on working with Len. On the side, we talked about life. Given who my life was slowly beginning to revolve around, that meant a lot of-

“Len. It’s Len. Why would me flirting with him and calling him cute ever be appropriate?” I wondered aloud to my manager. “And yet I did, just like some dumb fangirl who doesn’t know a thing about him. Honestly, I’d expect him to get with a fan girl over me just because of how dumb it was to say that! Not that I expect him to ever get into a relationship, because freaking everyone decided that exploiting a teenager for sex favors was somehow a good idea.”

Kaito sipped his coffee slowly. “I think you’re being just a little overdramatic, Rin. Er, about Len’s reaction, not the sex favors.”

I glared a message to Kaito. Not helping. He received it with equanimity. He always did.

“I just want to know things are going to work out.” I huffed. “I want to be able to be there for him, forever, but I don’t want him to have to feel like that’s a relationship if it makes him uncomfortable. Or would it just be a relationship regardless? Am I just asking too much from him, or something? Am I being selfish?”

“A little, perhaps.” Kaito said with a smile. Somehow, the most crushing things he said were with that same smile. “But it’s with good purpose. You want to do it because you want him to be happy. For as long as I’ve known you, that’s been the sort of person you are.” 

I sighed. “Right. It’s just…with Len, I never feel like he wants to open up. He’s too ready to hide the truth and bear the burdens he feels like are his own, without really bringing anyone else in. Every time I see him hiding something, it’s because he’s scared that us knowing the truth will be a burden for us, even if it means he’s happier. Or that we’ll see him and think he’s lesser for being weighed down by so much. Everyone else is already so unfair to him, and it makes it even worse when he’s not fair to himself.” 

I sighed, collapsing against the chair my manager was sitting on. “I just don’t know, Kaito. I figure once this concert’s done, maybe we can be more involved? He won’t have his manager anymore, but if Hope’s Peak is supplying the manager then things could be even worse.”

“Well, actually, I have an idea on that front.” Kaito said as he beamed to me. I was never sure exactly how to interpret looks like that. “I’m not sure if it’ll work out, since it’s ultimately up to Len, but I think we can manipulate that to our favor if everything goes right.”

We focused more on preparing for Len’s concert from that point on, but it wasn’t until a few days later that I was actually able to visit him at his studio. He asked me to sing for his headliner there, and I got so flustered that I couldn’t really focus for the rest of the session. Desperate to find something else, I rummaged through the papers he had for his songs. 

“Nakapapa…what?”

“Nakakapagpabagabag.” The look on his face was profoundly self-satisfied. “It’s…foreign lyrics. I had to get some help translating, but one of the third years was giving me suggestions and they said that making a foreign song early on would score really well with Hope’s Peak for a more branching audience and outreach group.” I was still completely lost. The song made absolutely no sense to me, but more than that, the look on Len’s face had me concerned. It was mischievous, with a hint of that bitter, distant look that made my heart hurt when I saw him.

“Yeah, okay…what does it mean?” I frowned, squinting to scan the page. “It’s kind of a mouthful.” 

“The literal translation is something the lines of ‘something that is worrisome’, I think. The song itself is…” Len stopped, and didn’t seem particularly inclined to continue. But that dark, bitter look had entered his eyes again, and I could immediately tell that whatever this song was, it wasn’t one that was supposed to leave a positive impression. That almost freaked me out more than anything. I decided to change the subject.

“I can’t make heads or tails of these lyrics.” I pretended to huff in an annoyed fashion and tossed the song aside. “What else you got?”

Unfortunately, each song from there only served to further confirm my suspicions. A song called “Chilledren”, where disillusioned orphans and delinquents committed crimes and other murders but were forgiven for being young. “Tokyo Tokyo Teddy Bear”, where a runaway sang disturbing thoughts about their own depravity and their discontent with the world. “Vampire Pathos”, where a sardonic hunter mocked humanity for their proclivity towards science over the natural world. Every song rang with discontent, malice, and bitterness.

“Ah, Len, do you have any…lighthearted songs in your list? These all seem pretty dark.”

I gently fingered the last song, my eyes squinting as I caught hearts and an underlined title. “…Fire Flower?”

“W-wait! Nononononono!” I felt the paper almost tear as it was ripped from my hand, but I didn’t really mind that. I was too busy thinking about how heavy and raw my heart felt inside my chest.

“Len…do you have a crush?” 

“Ah…no?” Len was terrible at hiding things, as usual. Still, this time I was finding it hard to look him in the eyes myself. Len likes someone? But…when did he start…? I shook my head, trying to refocus.

“You sure? Because most people don’t write songs about love without having romantic interest. Thought you weren’t into that sort of stuff.”

I could feel myself turning before I even heard him respond, feeling my face burn.

“Ah…I’m not.”

I tried my best to look him in the eyes. It was so hard, with my face burning like this. “All right, then. Today, I’m shortening the game. One singular question. Are you actually completely disinterested in having a relationship with someone?”

His face said everything. Of course he was. That look in his face was so obviously stricken, it made me want to throw up. I knew it wasn’t fair to be upset. I knew it wasn’t fair to be mad. In fact…

“You don’t have to lie about stuff like that, you know. I’m happy if you’re deciding to branch out and do this stuff after everything you’ve been through.” That was a lie. Honestly, I was so upset that he was keeping it from me, and that…it wasn’t me. Because he wouldn’t keep it from me if it was, right? “You don’t have to be concerned about me being overprotective or anything, yeah?”

I tried to smile. I tried really hard. But still, I just…

“I think I’m going to be pretty busy from here on, so it may be a while before we can get back together and perform again. But the concert’s not too far away, right? So I’ll definitely at least see you then.”

“Ah…wait, Rin, I-“

“Please, don’t.” I couldn’t bear it anymore. I knew this was bad of me, I knew I was wrong. But still, I stormed away from him, slamming the door to our studio open as I walked out. “I’d rather be alone for a little bit, if you don’t mind.”

_Len likes someone. Good for him, right? Shouldn’t I be happy that he’s not so scarred that he’s been completely ruined for relationships?_

I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes as I walked home. As I worked with Kaito. As I lay in my bed, knowing how awful and petty I was being but also realizing that I wasn’t changing anytime soon.

_I’m the worst for feeling this way. It’s selfish. It’s cruel. He doesn’t deserve someone who thinks that way about him, anyways._

Even when the concert started, I was a mess. I barely managed to keep a smile on my face through the whole performance, and I felt like I brought the entire concert down. Len shone like a star, though, singing every song with such powerful intensity that blew me away. Was this…the kid that had been blushing and begging to me just a couple weeks ago? The way he sang…at times it was distantly powerful in a way that made me want to be drawn in, to see the full range he could give, the full intensity of his emotion. And then, at the perfect moment, it was like a scream that wasn’t a scream; a true venting of the emotion that was as evoking and beautiful as it was powerful. At so many times, I almost cried just hearing his voice and knowing where his emotion came from. And he was so unafraid, it seemed. He didn’t even hesitate at the end of his near-last song, ripping off that sleeve that exposed his arm to the world.

On the sideline of the stage, I was a nervous wreck.

_What is he thinking?!_

I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t focus. Now that he did this, it would be impossible to avoid repercussions, especially if I understood everything going on in his life correctly. Especially with that evil woman as his therapist. This was complete and total hell for him if-

“Rin, could you come here for a moment?” Len turned to me, and his eyes went wide for a moment. Wait, what was going on? I wasn’t sure, but I tried to put on a confident smile as I walked back onstage. Was he going to say something about me, or condemn me for being so aggressive with him, or-?

“Rin has been…the biggest reason why I’ve been able to make it through every small thing that’s come my way this past year. I don’t think I would have been able to make it without her by my side. So…with that, Rin, I have something I want you to hear.”

The music started up.

Wait, but the only song left was…oh.

My face flushed red as Len began to sing. I was sure the camera could pick it up. Suddenly, I felt like a complete and utter fool for not noticing. How had I managed to be so completely blind that I didn’t understand what he had been trying to convey this whole time? Was I really just that dense?

The lyrics faded into obscurity as I stared at his face. He looked so happy, so completely peaceful compared to the look that had been on his face for the rest of the concert. Was the reason for that joy…me? My heart felt like it was fluttering. Presently, I realized that the song was finishing up, and Len was looking at me expectantly. Was I supposed to respond, or do something for the audience? It didn’t really matter, since at this point I only wanted to do one thing.

I leaned in and kissed him. And he responded. 

I was disturbed by how good he was, and how I knew why he was good at it. But I forced that out of my mind, since this was supposed to be a happy moment. Thinking about sad stuff, depressing stuff, angry stuff. Now I just wanted to ignore that, focusing instead on this boy, this boy who liked me and kissed me and wanted to spend his life with me if we could. That made my heart soar more than anything.

I helped Len hobble offstage and went to get him some water. We sat in comfortable silence for a while, before he spoke. It was a soft, croaking sound, which was to be expected after how much he wrecked the night.

“Uh, Rin…?” 

I put a finger to his lips, smiling softly. I wanted to talk to him, so much, but he wasn’t done yet. “One of the judges is supposed to talk to you as soon as they’re done evaluating, right? We can talk after.” 

I had to force myself away, walking backstage to talk with his father and Yu. They had nothing but happy things to say, of course, and I relished seeing Mr. Harukawa have a silent meltdown at how ruined he was going to be with all the scandal rumors that were going to pop up from this concert. That made me happier than it probably should have, but I didn’t care.

Len passed the exam with flying colors, of course. None of us hesitated to rampage out of the stadium, intent on having a night of partying ahead. But then…

“Hey, where’s Len? Where’s big brother?” Yu searched desperately around the restaurant, completely confused. “There’s no point holding a party if he’s not here.”

I racked my thoughts. Come to think of it, I didn’t remember Len leaving the stadium when we left. I flushed, suddenly completely abashed at how thoughtless we were for leaving the star of the show behind. Some friends and family we were.

“I’ll go get him. You all wait here.” I rushed back to the stadium, which was now completely abandoned. If Len was still here, then where had he gone off to-?

“NGAAAAAAAAH!” The scream threw me off, and I whirled around to see a figure sitting against the front of the stage. He was huddled up close, tearing at his arm with that same intensity I had seen once before. But unlike last time, he wasn’t laughing. Instead, angry tears streamed down his face. I raced down as quickly as I could, still hearing the unbearable screams and sobs.

“GAAH! UUH….uhhh…*hic* uuuuh….”

I sprinted around behind him, not even thinking. I wrapped myself around him as fully as I could, tucking his head under my chin.

“I…I’m so sorry. About getting mad at you, forgetting you, leaving you. Listen, if something’s going on, please remind me to just listen to you, okay?”

I jumped as I felt a hand touch my face. Len had stopped crying, and was now staring straight ahead. I looked down around to him to look him in the eyes. His gaze was hard and distant. 

“I can’t do this anymore.” 

My heart stopped. What…did he mean. Was he talking about our relationship? No, that was silly. Then...being an idol, or something…darker?

“…Len?”

“Being the Ultimate Idol, or being Len…I can’t do this anymore. And…I can’t keep shutting everything that’s bottled up inside of me. I think…something needs to change.”

So that was it. I rested my head on top of his, thinking distantly. He was right. Things needed to change. And if anyone was going to change it, it would be us, right? Len leaned into me, and I smiled, suddenly confident. More than anything, I wanted to protect this kid. More than anything, I wanted to help him change. I wanted him to finally be able to feel comfortable.

“Then let’s do it. Let’s change something.”


	22. Speaking from Beyond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the final part of Rin's journey, and the true end of this bonus segment. What goes on in the world of those who have already passed on...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the very verrrrry end of this fic! Mostly because from here, I have a couple of different projects lined up to think about. The first is another Danganronpa-themed crossover piece (with what other series, I wonder?), while the second is a more original work that I've had in the back of my head. Thank you to all who followed, and I hope you enjoyed it!

We had said we were going to change something. Of course, I had fully meant for us to change something, too. I mean, why make a promise you didn’t have any intention of keeping? Still, the plan we had crafted left me feeling uneasy. Junko Enoshima was a popular name, and by all rights an admirable fashionista, but when Len told me about his encounter with her, I couldn’t help but feel a chill run down my spine. By all accounts this woman seemed…not right. No, she seemed horribly, horribly wrong. I didn’t want her around him at all, especially since he couldn’t bring himself to talk about what he went through when he was just with us.

Still, the knock on the door came, and we let her into Len’s home. 

“Heloooooo, there!” She entered the room in a singsong voice, happily prancing around the dingy home to set up the interview with perfection. “The name is Junko Enoshima, but I’m sure you already knew that, right? I’m here to interview Len, of course, as well as ask everyone else some questions if you’re interested.” Her eyes looked me up and down, and I saw something horrible in her eyes. I automatically wanted her out of the house. 

“You’re Len’s little girlfriend, yeah? I can’t imagine what a train ride this has been for you, really.” Her tone oozed sympathy, but I couldn’t help being disgusted by the look in her eyes. She looked like the type of person who was always planning something, always a couple of steps ahead. And the things she planned…I felt like I didn’t want to see what that was. Maybe it would be best if I just left…

“It should totally be cool if you guys want to stay with Len. Family and emotional support, yeah?” Her eyes glinted as her helpers stood seats next to where Len was, and I could have sworn she was looking directly at me with that…look. This was bad. This was really bad.

**

  
The interview went about as poorly as I expected. Junko played a masterful conversationalist, seamlessly stringing Len along any point of conversation she wanted to entertain. He dove into each topic wholeheartedly, saying exactly what I knew she wanted to hear. I tried to override her attempts to show the absolute darkest parts of his life, but it didn’t amount to much. 

“…it’s what my manager likes doing. He has a lot of the power in the relationship, you know? So, alongside doing that, I…” Len stopped mid-sentence, and I immediately went into analysis mode.

His face was like a sheet. He was beginning to shake. His eyes were distant and terror-filled, and I could tell he was battling himself to not give in right away. This was exactly what we had been wanting to avoid. I had to intervene, immediately.

“Len? Len, hold on…” I turned to address the interviewer, but I was almost stopped solely by the look of poorly concealed delight on her face. Was she…enjoying this? “Can you cue the cameras away, Junko? We-“ I didn’t expect the protest from the boy just beside me, and I jumped when Len touched my shoulder.

“No.” In spite of himself, Len coughed, expulsing white foam from his mouth that dribbled onto the floor. He was barely functioning, but still…he was protesting? “Keep it…rolling.”

There was no way this was healthy. Absolutely no way it was smart. This was a terrible idea, and I should tell Len to shove off, get some rest, and…

_“I can’t do this anymore.”_

I bit my lip, taken aback by just the memory of his words. For most of our relationship, I had been the aggressive one. I had been the one telling Len what he should do, how he should act, what he needed to say to me. The few times I hadn’t been that one…he had swept me away, made me rethink everything about him, and everything about me. And with something like this, something that was solely for his own peace of mind, for his own benefit…did I have the right to tell him a certain point was too far? Surely not…right? I took a breath, and forced myself to compromise.

“You sure?”

The way Len nodded didn’t ease my nerves, but I took a breath. Now was the time to trust him…right? 

“Okay.” Junko sat back, looking oddly satisfied. “Now, moving on…”

The topic quickly moved to Hope’s Peak, and now I felt myself drawn in. Even I, as much as I tried to guess, tried to understand…I didn’t know the whole truth of what Hope’s Peak had done.

“When she took me for a retreat, she told me that Hope’s Peak…or, a committee that controlled Hope’s Peak, anyways, had gotten her to basically make me be more compliant towards doing that kind of stuff as the Ultimate Idol.”

“Oh?” Junko looked at Len with that look in her eyes, and my stomach dropped. Somehow, I knew. Something awful was about to come out of my boyfriend’s mouth.

“She…was instructed to break me. I wasn’t allowed to cry or talk back, I wasn’t allowed to refer to myself as anything other than the Ultimate Idol. She introduced me to sexual concepts, and then proceeded to…” I knew what he was about to say. I could hear the words even as he struggled to get them out. It was awful, but now that it was all but confirmed I almost wanted to hear him say it himself. But why?

“…rape me with them.” There it was. That word. The word that set a line beyond the vague mentions of abuse, the talks about awkwardness and doing weird things in songs you didn’t want to. This was the line that Hope’s Peak had crossed, that would serve as its condemnation at Junko’s hands. The moment that word was spoken, it would only have been a disservice to Len to take it back, even if we wanted to.

I was terrified at the sense of relief I felt at the spoken word. It was a reality we had so often walked around or tried to tread lightly, but now that it was said, I felt such a huge weight off my shoulders. It was a disgusting feeling.

“Did you two…know about any of this?” Junko asked innocently. I shook my head.

“Not…really. We had an idea something messed up was going on, but we could never confirm with Len what exactly it was. As best I can tell, the way Len’s therapist worked with him in some way ensured he wouldn’t feel safe or comfortable revealing the truth to his friends and family. Only just now was he able to be strong enough to even say that word.”

Junko nodded her head, as if that was such a simple explanation for everything. I decidedly did not like her. She asked a few other minor questions for us, since Len had practically shut down, and the interview didn’t last long after that. I watched her leave with disgust filling the entirety of my body. I felt like I needed a shower just standing there.

“Hey, Len. I’m going to head home, if that’s all right.” The poor guy hadn’t fully recovered from the debacle. His eyes were distant, and when he looked at me, there was an immense…sadness? I couldn’t quite nail down the feeling I got when I looked at him. I didn’t like that. But still, I leaned down and hugged him, pressing my lips against his. 

He was warm, and when he finally decided to return it, it was passionate and…comfortable? That felt like the right word. When we broke apart, a little bit of light had returned to his eyes. That made me feel happy.

Junko’s video ended up sparking a much larger reaction than I anticipated. It wasn’t just Len, of course. Reserve Course families were featured as well, and I even recognized a couple of Len’s classmates talking about their own scandals. Was Hope’s Peak really this messed up of a place? It didn’t seem possible for such a corrupt place to have been as lauded as it had been for this whole time. I part of me almost wanted to just see the place destroyed and built from the ground up.

Though I did end up getting that wish, it never was something I got to see myself, or at least in the way I expected.

**

It may not be the same for everyone, but I think that in that moment when you die, you replay everything back in your head to see what you could have done differently. And maybe, what you did right that makes you feel more at peace. It was good that I told my parents I loved them before I left, but I always did that. I didn’t call Kaito that day, since it was just supposed to be an off day at Len’s house. Len’s dad was entertaining me and Yu with stories about Len’s mother, who seemed like a really swell lady. He also talked about some of the more comical neighbors in the slums; apparently, there were a lot of lighthearted weirdos in the area who made for a good time once you got to know them. Seeing Len’s dad talk in such a carefree and happy way, especially remembering the way he had used to be, was something that gave me a little bit of hope day to day. If a guy like him was able to bounce back…

A knock rang out at the door.

“Oh? I wasn’t expecting any visitors. Is it Len back, already?”

He wasn’t. Standing at the front door were two well-dressed individuals with a Hope’s Peak logo on their suits. They weren’t very talkative; after briefly inquiring about Len’s whereabouts, they shoved a package into Mr. Kagamine’s hands and bowed curtly.

“We apologize sincerely for the inconvenience your son has received from Hope’s Peak Academy. Rest assured, we are doing all we can to uncover behind the truth of these incidents and await potential cooperation with you in bringing justice to your family. Please, accept this in the meantime.”

I wasn’t impressed with them. It was very obviously a PR tactic, but I couldn’t just call them out immediately. Maybe it would be worth it to wait for now and see what Hope’s Peak was willing to do? I wasn’t entirely sure. But the moment I wanted to tear into their retreating backs, the back door shut behind me.

“Ah, Len! How long have you been there?” Mr. Kagamine asked as he rummaged through the package. “Some people from Hope’s Peak just came looking for you. They said they wanted to talk and bring you for a formal apology from the president, but I told them you were out. But they gave us this, as a sort of means for mending the broken trust, as they said. Seems Hope’s Peak got a lot of flak, so they’re reaching out to affected families to ensure good relations.” Annoyed, I picked up the package myself and walked over to Len. The thing was…weirdly heavy? I figured it would be something light, but this was odd. I shrugged.

“They’re basically covering their…butts.” I almost cursed, but Len’s house had a strict no-cursing policy. Thankfully, Yu seemed otherwise occupied so it wasn’t much trouble. “I mean, who would actually believe they’re being genuine when they-“

_Beep._

That sound. I had seen enough dramas to associate it with something similar, but there was no way, right? Even Hope’s Peak wasn’t so awful that they’d be willing to-

_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-_

I felt a presence over my shoulder, and a hand tense and pull me back as I dropped the package. Suddenly, everything seemed to echo.

“Get out!” 

Time slowed.

I did the only thing I could find sense to do. I grabbed Len, tugging him as he resisted slightly. I knew we were going opposite his father, but the door was right there. If we just went a little further before the thing detonated, we’d be fine, right? Len twisted in my grip, and the resistance lessened. My heart felt light. We were going to make it. We were-

I felt heat. 

I didn’t have to turn to know the world behind me had already filled with a bright, deadly light.

There was barely time to react. I knew that if Len felt the same thing I did, he would do the first thing on his mind. We had come so far with him being so self-sacrificing and conscientious, it was only inevitable he wouldn’t care about his own life in this situation.

But, that meant it was time for me to finally do something for him, without being too aggressive or overbearing, right? This would be…my pure act to him.

The burst was coming too quickly. There was nothing left to do. Desperate, I summoned all my strength, determined to beat Len in this life-determining fight. In one last moment, I pushed.

As the flames caught up with me, and I heard Len’s voice echo out, the thought occurred to me. Doing this, saving him in this sort of way, I was still committing an aggressive act, and overriding what he wanted to happen with what I wanted to happen. 

_Oh, well._ My final living thoughts went. _I think…I can forgive myself for being like that, just this once._

**

“Yu…Yu…”

It was a lie that your spirit went to an afterlife or some sort of reincarnation immediately after death. Or, at least, that was how it was for me. Was this what happened to spirits that didn’t die peacefully? And if so, then for what reason was I not at peace?

Well, the answer to that last one was probably obvious.

I was set to follow Len, apparently around the entire countryside as he searched for his brother. I was happy both the kids were alive, of course, but Len seemed absolutely broken. The look in his eyes was always…so blank and empty. It hurt to see him like that. I wanted him to be happy, but no matter what I did, nothing seemed to register with him. Hugging him, kissing him, talking to him…all of it was useless. If spirits were allowed to prevail after death and follow their loved ones, then what was the point if they couldn’t do anything?

“ _Hey, stop looking a moment and eat an actually good meal_.” I tried shouting. He never listened to me. “ _You’re not going to be any good to your brother dead in some alleyway because you starved to death._ ”

Of course, he ignored me. I wondered if he was going to join me sooner rather than later, and if that would bring me enough peace to move on. That was probably why I was here, after all. That much I had gathered from the others I met along the way. I wasn’t the only spirit in the world; as Len and I journeyed, I found several guardians that looked over others. It was disconcerting, but at least I wasn’t the only one. Most of them were a lot older, though.

When Len collapsed, I thought it was bad. But it was so much worse when I saw that girl approach her. Futilely, I tried to fight her back as she and the black-haired girl alongside her picked Len up and carried him into the next building.

 _“Hey, leave off! What do you think you’re doing, taking him like that? Hey!_ ”

Of course, I ended up regretting being able to follow them. The torture they lined up for Len was unbearable for me, too. I looked into the screen to see Yu sobbing and begging as that horrible young man went at him. I could also see, even through the screen, the spirit of an angry older man trying his best to fight off the assailant, even though he had no tangible means of doing so. Of course, it was Len’s dad, but I wished it wasn’t. Both he and Len ended up in a desperate heap at the end, though Len was beginning to…laugh?

“ _Hey, Len…what’s going on?_ ” I tried to touch him, but my fingers passed right through. He shuddered, but then immediately continued the crazed laughter. “ _Len, please stop. This isn’t funny. This isn’t you, please just…_ ” I stopped. What exactly could I do here?

“Hey, Len. Do you mind if I ask a question?” Junko walked forward, and I turned in a fury. 

“ _You bitch._ ” I lunged at her, my incorporeal hands theoretically tearing through her skull as I pounded in equal parts relentlessly and fruitlessly. “ _If I have any power in this world, I’m going to curse you to the deepest pits of hell. I hope you suffer every ounce of pain that you’ve inflicted on the rest of the world, and that nothing any of these plans of yours are directed towards ends up ever working out. You don’t deserve a damned thing in this world, and I hope you-“_

“Go ahead.” I whirled around. That couldn’t possibly be-

“This feeling of despair…don’t you want others to feel it?”

I was about to laugh in ridicule. Did Junko not know who Len was? She should know he wasn’t some psychopathic, sadistic-

Len nodded. 

Len nodded, and all of a sudden, I felt the fight leave me. I sank to the ground, staring out at him with complete disbelief. What…had he just…

“Awesome! I think…we can become very good friends if that’s the case. Come on, follow me out.”

I was going to get pulled along eventually. That was inevitable, but it was just a matter of when. But for that moment, I simply sat and stared, fully dumbstruck. 

“ _…Len?”_

**

I was pulled along by Len for a while. I quickly learned I was less than powerless to do a damned thing about his situation. Sometimes that was fine, and other times it was downright infuriating. I knew how much he was suffering: it was like a distant feeling I could understand myself, but couldn’t fully quantify. Still, it didn’t make me want to beat him senseless any less. Even if he wasn’t in his right mind…murder? Killing Games? Sadistic riots and threats to the heads of governments? This wasn’t the Len I knew, or the Len I liked. How could he possibly have changed this much? Sometimes it was fine, and I could just follow him like usual. But slowly, I began to feel distant. Apathetic. The world grew more and more fuzzy and secluded, like my own apathy towards who Len had become was dragging me away from the world as a whole.

“Yu?”

I snapped back to reality. 

I was in a hospital, for some reason. Len was standing next to me as usual, but next to him was a familiar, blue-haired young man. That would be Kaito. Why…did I feel such complete apathy beholding the man who had practically given me a second chance at becoming an idol? He meant so much, but I just didn’t care. Maybe I was becoming more desensitized to everything after all the death I had seen. A part of me just didn’t want to be here anymore.

“ _Ah, but you’re still here, aren’t you, Rin?_ ”

I whirled around to see the unexpected face of Ray Kagamine. His eyes were brighter than I remembered, yet at the same time he looked so much more tired. He floated by the bed where a young boy lay, the look of the child’s spirit wavering in and out. Ray raised his hand in greeting.

“ _You were cutting out so much when you got here, I almost thought you’d disappear altogether before I had the chance to say something. You felt it too, then?_ ”

I shook my head, confused. “ _Felt…what?_ ” But even as I asked him, I recognized the feeling. When Len had asked the single word, I felt a glimmer of a feeling. Something had awakened me from the daze I had been in for…days, or weeks? What was that feeling, then?

My thoughts were interrupted as Len lunged forward, rushing towards Yu. He grabbed a knife, lunging forward desperately. Before he got the chance, however, Kaito was in the way, blocking him. I wanted to stop him, but I knew already that it was pointless. More importantly…

“ _You’re not doing anything to stop him?_ ” I questioned. “ _You’re here because you’re trying to look after Yu, right?_ ”

Ray shrugged. “ _As far as I can tell, that’s all I can do. You and I both probably know we can’ tangibly affect the world around us. I talk to him, sometimes. Try to comfort him, or care for him, or something. I also try to thank Kaito whenever he drops by. Apparently he was hunting for Yu and Len after the explosion, and found Yu where he was tortured. I’ve been here ever since, actually._ ”

We both watched rather helplessly as Kaito and Len struggled. 

“ _Do you know why spirits are put here to follow people?_ ” Ray questioned, almost lightly. “ _Even though we have no tangible means of protecting or assisting the people we hold dear? It seems almost cruel, does it not?”_

I nodded distantly. Particularly in moments like this, cruel seemed like an understatement.

“ _And yet…it’s undeniable that we’re here for a reason. That’s something I learned as I continued staying here, talking with spirits as Yu continued to recover._ ” He grinned thinly at me, his eyes filled with indescribable sadness. “ _I believe that’s what you felt, just now. That purpose that we exist to fulfill._ ”

We directed our eyes back towards the pair. Kaito was standing over Yu’s body, eyes wild and staring. Len simply looked back emptily in return. If it hadn’t been for that sudden surge of emotion I had felt from him the moment we walked in, that brief falter in emotion…I wouldn’t have guessed he was any closer to hope than when I had been about to fade.

“ _I believe we’re here to keep a part of who they were, a part of their past joy and hope tied to them. That is something I saw among all the spirits as they worked; they gave them comfort and peace when called upon, and awakened feelings that would otherwise never have remained dormant before. I think…that’s what you and I can do now._ ”

I stared down. Somehow, those words didn’t really inspire much in me. It was all well and good for me to want the best from Len, but I felt like I had done so little since he had fallen into despair. Was it any use for me to stay here?

“ _Ah, you’re beginning to fade again_.” Ray teased. “ _It’s okay if you do. You can go on ahead, really. I think I can leave Yu with Kaito, and watch over Len myself. You don’t hold any obligation to this family if you don’t want to._ ”

The thought was tempting. Even if I had been dead for such a short time, I was already…so tired of being in the world. I could feel something distant calling to me, trying to drag me back, trying to-

I heard the clatter of a knife. It echoed outside the door, distantly clattering down the stairs. Kaito was barely standing over Yu, and I doubted it would take any force for Len to knock him over. Len seemed to know that, too. For a brief moment, he seemed to hesitate. It wouldn’t take much for him to attack Kaito and his brother, and be completely immersed, right? So, then…

Almost as if unconsciously, Len took a step forward. Without thinking, I lunged, my arms spread wide. I didn’t really know what to do, but I was desperate to reach him in any capacity. I plunged my arms into his head, burying my face as deep into him as I could. I had no way of knowing if it would be effective, but I tried.

“ _Len, if you so much as take another step towards your brother, I will never forgive you. I’ll resent you, even after death and beyond. This is your only chance._ ”

Len stopped, and I moved back. His eyes were unfocused, but only briefly before they snapped back into clarity. He scoffed and turned on his heels.

“Boring,” he muttered as he walked towards the stairwell.

I turned to look at Ray, who simply smiled and raised his eyebrows. “ _I take that means you’re decided, then?_ ”

I nodded, shaking his hand gratefully. “ _I’ll watch over Len. And I completely expect you to take care of Yu, as well. If anything happens to him, I’ll-_ “ my voice faltered. I wouldn’t feel anything negative towards Len’s father. I never could bring myself to.

He grinned easily in response. “ _Understood. I’d never do anything to upset someone like you, Rin._ ” He grasped my hand earnestly, staring me in the eyes. “ _Take care of my son, okay_?”

**

I wasn’t able to do much for Len after that. Nothing I said from that point ever really seemed to register or function with him, and he never really seemed to care about anything aside from his precious despair. All things considered, I was effectively as useless as I was before that moment in the hospital. 

And yet, I stayed.

I stayed, even though I knew I probably wasn’t going to do anything helpful past that point. Even though I would be seeing all the same miserable outcomes that Len’s despair drove him to. Even if I was completely helpless and worthless…

“ _I’m still not giving up on you_.” I whispered. We were in an abandoned home torn apart by the Tragedy. Len was huddled in a corner, tearing away at himself and screaming. Junko Enoshima had been declared dead, and the world was already beginning to react, pushing against the Ultimate Despairs and trying to take back their lives as their own. For someone like Len, as he was now, that was the worst possible news. But, even so.

“ _I’m staying by your side until you get better, or until you die. That’s…what I decided. I know it’s going to hurt, for both of us, but I’m not giving up on you anymore. I know you can make it through this._ ”

Even though I said that, it was more to reassure myself than to reassure Len. I wasn’t really certain a good outcome could come from this, particularly for Len’s future. At this point, it seemed like he really was all out of options. I could understand that feeling seeping from him, that cruel and bitter despair that somehow managed to give him such a high. I could only watch as he continued his reckless destruction, seeming intent on destroying himself completely.

But then came that island. That beautiful, terrible island.

Suffice to say, I couldn’t imagine that a therapy program advanced and perfected enough to cure a whole group of despairs could possibly exist. The thought that Len, who I had seen so heavily changed from the person he used to be, could be cured so easily almost bordered on the extreme of disbelief. That was what I thought logically, anyways. But the more I looked on, saw Makoto and Byakuya talking with such animation, such hope…I almost believed in it completely myself. So when the pods were all closed up and silence filled the shack the Despairs were being kept in, I knelt down beside Len’s pod.

I wasn’t the only spirit there. When we arrived, several spirits surrounded the respective pods of the Ultimates. A pretty young girl sat next to the pod belonging to the Ultimate Gangster, speaking softly and kindly in a way that didn’t seem to suit her. Next to her was an older man, dressed in a fine suit with a cigar in his mouth. That would likely be his father, the former head of the Kuzuryu clan. Across the room from them were an older woman with a camera slung around her neck accompanied by another young girl, this one much plainer and more sorrowful. They also spoke gently to the occupant of their pod, who I recognized as the Ultimate Photographer who took photos for me earlier that year.

All around the room were similar spirits who approached the occupants of their pods. The only one with nobody watching over them…was the one who had started it all, the Ultimate Talent. It burdened my heart to see that, but I wasn’t here for him. Instead, I lay next to Len, grasping his hand as I watched the feed play.

“ _You see that, Len? That’s you, back before this whole mess._ ” It was stunning to see the contrast of the happy, spiky-haired boy on the screen against the bitter young man I was laying next to now. They were one and the same, and yet…

“ _You’re probably still hurting, even at this point, right? If this is just before Hope’s Peak, you’re probably hurting a lot. But…_ ” I rolled over on my side to stare the real Len in the face. Somehow…I felt like I could talk to him more. I tried what I did before, bringing myself as close into him as I possibly could. Was this being intimate, or just a form of communication from spirits? I couldn’t really tell, but I maintained it.

“ _This is the kind of boy I fell in love with, you know? The one who was willing to stand for what he wanted to do, and who he wanted to follow. Even though you were frustrating, and secretive, and I never felt like you trusted me…I knew it was never your fault, and that you genuinely wanted to do what was best. And…I really love that about you. You want to help everyone, so you took so much upon yourself, even though it hurt. And I don’t want you to get hurt, but…I admired that so much about you._ ”

I didn’t know how much time I spent there, simply talking to Len as the world went by. I comforted him, encouraged, him, and sometimes just watched him as he grew closer to his classmates, as he struggled to survive, as he figured out what he wanted in life. It felt oddly nice, being able to see him live life as someone with dreams and aspirations, who did everything he could to help. In a weird, morbid way, it made me smile. I wanted to see that boy again…somehow.

Eventually, I became lost in that train of thought, and the world around me faded away.

**

“…Honestly, even after talking with Kazuichi about it, I don’t understand how Rin was implemented into the Hope Restoration Program.”

Len was sitting in the middle of the graveyard, chatting with a reporter there to give an update to the Ultimate Despairs and where they were now. Next to him was his brother, as well as an adorable black lab named Kai. In between them, the shimmering forms of two spirits rested their hands on each of the brothers’; one was a man, bright eyed and smiling with a fresh wave of blonde hair flowing down above his eyes. He looked years younger than I had ever seen him, and happier as well. Next to him was a gorgeous woman, with kind blue eyes that sparkled against the sky behind her and flowing red hair that was tied back behind her head in an ornate knot. As the interview had gone on, they grew warmer and brighter, now appearing almost human next to their own children. It was almost like a real family, sitting together and just enjoying each other’s company.

Seeing them like that filled my heart more than I could ever dream of.

I didn’t understand myself what happened with the Hope Restoration Program. My world had faded away, and I heard a voice. It was soft and gentle, persuasive and kind. I talked with her, but I didn’t even remember what it was about. We just talked, and I believe I even sang for her a little. And then, before I knew it, I was back with Len on the island again. And then for some reason, I part of me had been integrated into the program. Was that just a coincidence, or had something there happened between the program and us spirits? I couldn’t understand.

But since then, I had happily followed Len, who seemed to be recovering at an incredible pace. He was horribly self-deprecating through the entire interview, acting as if he couldn’t decide whether he was utter scum or a complete redemption story. Honestly, I doubted the interviewer even understood what was going on at this point.

“I just…don’t know what to think about it her, now.” He groaned, tossing his head back. “What would she think if she saw everything now? Would she hate me, or be proud of me? Is there anything I could do to make up how awful I was?”

The reporter seemed to falter with the question, and Yu looked similarly disturbed. Ray Kagamine looked over at me, his eyebrows raised. He expected something from me.

I huffed, stomping over to Len.

“ _Honestly, you make things so much harder on yourself than you need to._ ”

I leaned in forward as I knelt next to him, bringing our faces close together. I doubted that he ever felt anything when we “kissed”, other than some sort of tingling sensation or weird chill, but it made me feel more comfortable. I could feel it as a kiss, after all. And right now, I felt like being a little selfish. I pulled away slowly and stood up as I turned away.

“ _Just so you know, I’m head over heels over the fact that you’re back like this, and I couldn’t care less about what happened. What matters to me is that you’re okay, and that you want to be the kind of person you were before this tragedy even happened, if not a better person than that. Proud wouldn’t even begin to describe how I feel about you right now, so I’d appreciate it if you stopped being so damn self-deprecating._ ”

I turned around, expecting him to have directed his attention back to the interview. Instead, he was staring directly towards me…no, directly at me. His eyes were locked onto mine, and even as I moved they followed me, filled with disbelief and some other emotion that couldn’t be described.

I instinctively felt myself flush.

“ _Oh, come on! All the time I spent trying to get your attention since I died, and this is what finally gets you?! What was all that time before now, then, hm? Do you realize how worried you made me?_ ”

Len’s face flushed red, but he didn’t respond. I forced myself to calm down; my first chance to talk to my boyfriend since I died, and I was already yelling at him just like I always did. Honestly, I was just the worst. I walked back towards him and knelt down again, looking him in the eyes.

“ _What I mean to say is…I couldn’t be happier that you’re finally back. I always believed in you, even when you were in the pits of despair. I think…you’re a really strong person for being able to make it out of something like that, and I couldn’t be happier that you’re living your life this way. I want you to be as happy as you could possibly be, yeah?_ ” I felt a strange chill down my spine, as though what I was began faltering. Len’s eyes slid out of focus briefly, but they remained trained on me.

I was running out of time to talk to him. I tried to speak calmly and happily, but I still felt myself rushing my words.

“ _Hey, I’m going to stay here for a little while, okay? I don’t think…I need to watch over you anymore. But you better visit me whenever you can, and tell me all about your life. And I want to know about your concerts, because I want to be able to cheer you on and sing along with you. And I want to know about your friends from Hope’s Peak, and Yu, and Naegi and the rest. And tell me if you find a cute girl you want to date, and let me know about her. I won’t accept anyone less than perfect for you as a replacement, all right? And…And…_ ”

I felt my breath hitch, and a weird substance stream down my face. Could…spirits cry? I didn’t really understand how if they did. Regardless, I smiled broadly, stretching my hand out to stroke the side of Len’s face. Was it just my imagination, or did he put just a little force against it…?

“ _And I want you to spend the rest of your life thinking only about happy things. Hopeful things. And when you can’t, then talk to me. I promise I won’t ever judge you for crying to me. That’s…what I want to promise._ ” More sharply then ever, I felt the world turn. Len blurred out of focus, and I could feel the scene return to normal. I called out, but it felt soft and happy as opposed to the bittersweet feeling burning in my stomach.

“ _Goodbye, Len_.”

*

“Len? Is something the matter?”

The boy looked around, seeming briefly confused, before refocusing on the reporter. 

“Ah, sorry. No, it’s nothing, I just…suddenly feel really positive, you know? Like I’m a little more at peace with the way things are, how they turned out. But that’s besides the point. What was the next question…?”

Kai sighed beside Len, nosing the space between the two boys as though something were there. He had been like that since the two had settled down for the interview, but nobody had really been able to find anything tangible that would have bothered the poor dog. Yu supposed he was just in one of those moods. Nobody mentioned the weird spacing out that Len had, or how he smiled and touched his lips every now and then from that point on. Nor how weirdly comfortable the gravesite had become, almost as though it were a familiar home. And of course, nobody saw the three spirits sitting and waving as the interview wrapped up and the three departed.

“ _We don’t have to stay here, you know._ ” The red-haired spirit said calmly. “ _Spirits are allowed to come and go from here as they please. We can travel and see the rest of the world, or go to the beyond if we so choose. I doubt we need worry about those two from now on._ ”

“ _I’d rather stay here._ ” I replied dreamily. I watched as the young man’s retreating form disappeared into the streets and traffic beyond. “ _I want to see what they do from here, actually. And I want to see him become as happy and successful as he can possibly be. And I want to hear about it as often as he’s willing to come by, too._ ”

Ray nodded agreement. “I _think we can afford to wait a while longer. After all, it’s our kids, you know? I wouldn’t mind moving on as a family._ ”

The woman squeezed his hand tightly, then moved up from the ground. “ _Well, I at least want to move around a while; there are some old friends I haven’t seen in some time back to visit. Care to join me?_ ”

“ _Of course._ ”

The two adults moved up from the grave hand in hand to begin roaming the site, leaving me alone. Sighing, I grabbed a small, white rose from the bundle laying on the grave site and leaned back, resting against the ground. My lips tingled gleefully as a reminder of the kiss, and I touched the rose to my lips in response. I really liked the song Len sang. He sang it to me before the concert, when he came by to ask us to help him find the courage to do it. I had cried so hard when he sang it then, but I couldn’t remember the emotion now behind why I had been crying. Maybe it was just seeing the boy I loved grow up in such a way, while remembering those songs we had made so dear to ourselves.

He was going to remember us. He was going to remember us, and keep us in his heart alongside all that hope I had always wanted him to have.

That was the thought that made me blush, repeating in my mind as the flower petals floated off into the wind.


End file.
